Wanna know what sucks?

[schist]

That overwhelming feeling of anxiety you suffer when a girl you really like breaks up with her boyfriend, and there are other guys who talk to her a lot as well, even if they are just friends. ::

'S what's happened with this girl I've been close with for a couple of years. She was in a relationship with a mate of mine during this time, but we started joking around and being social with each other a lot. I know I stand a chance with her, because she's told me before that she doesn't think of me as "just a friend", and I've been there in the past to comfort her when she's feeling down. Also, everytime I put my arm around her during conversation, she always reciprocates, and there's definitely chemistry between us. We joke around and flirt quite a fair bit.

BUT

I can't help but feel like I'm being used and that I'll eventually be pushed aside for the next sod that comes by. It's not how I want to think, and in truth it probably won't happen, but I've become inured to being pushed aside by girls in the past, so I've come to expect the worst.

Not asking for help or anything, this is just a rant.

 

[MikeyC]

Sorry you feel that way, mate. It's terrible to have feelings for a girl, and for her to reciprocate, and know there's no chance. Maybe you could be the one to snag her next and you don't know it.

 

[Sora]

I'd just go with the flow, see how things go but then that is me lol. I am changing a lot lately with the way I react to situations. It all boils down to how much you are worried about the friendship being ruined if you do go further than friends. If you are both fine with risking that then go for it I say, why not?!

Just be cool and fun, don't get too serious then if she does move on you won't be as crushed. Make it clear from the start what you want, don't just jump right into a relationship, see how it goes first and see how you are together like that. I know you don't really want advice but thought I would share what I would do but then I am the type of person who would build on a relationship and never rush into it.

 

[schist]

Maybe you could be the one to snag her next and you don't know it.

I sure hope so.

@Sora: It's more the unwarranted anxiety that arises from being involved in such a situation (i.e. going after a sought-after female, regardless of how good my apparent chances with her are) that's the problem. I didn't say I didn't want advice per se, just that people weren't obligated to offer it.

 

[MikeyC]

I hope so, too. The two of you obviously get along so well so there's no real reason why you couldn't. Have you spoken to her about getting together? Maybe you just need to be more direct about it.

 

[Moa]

Oh wow, I would never act that way around a guy friend unless I was REALLY into him! She likes you, she wants you, and if you wait too long she'll think you're not interested and move on! Just speaking from experience.

 

[Sora]

I should probably do the same thing to be honest with a girl I know but somedays I can't tell if I personally want to because some days her mood stinks so bad that I don't want to be around her lol.

All I know is I would not "talk" about it with her, women from what I have seen don't want that, they want the guy to take action and show them how you feel, not tell...telling has never worked for me anyways, taking action always has given me the answer I need, sometimes it was rejection but that is still better than not knowing.

 

[schist]

Yep, friend-zoned ::

 

[schist]

UPDATE: Now she's spreading a rumour that I tried to stalk her. Guess she wasnt the girl I had thought her to be after all.

 

[MikeyC]

Ugh, that's not good at all. Your best bet is to cease any and all contact with her.

 

[schist]

Ugh, that's not good at all. Your best bet is to cease any and all contact with her.

That's what I've been doing, I haven't spoken to her in almost a month and have written her out of my life completely.

 

[MikeyC]

That's what I've been doing, I haven't spoken to her in almost a month and have written her out of my life completely.

At least one of you is making sense.

 

[she1slander]

That's what I've been doing, I haven't spoken to her in almost a month and have written her out of my life completely.

You know what? (and this is one of those 'easier said than done' piece of advice that you wouldn't like to read about but it still might be worth the try)Just tell her what you REALLY feel to make up for what she's trying to do, spreading rumors that you're stalking her. Oh yeah, that's really mature of her... She'd rather tell other people instead of being direct with you and demand you to stop. No matter how bad it's gonna turn out, I'd rather be up front and tell the guy to just leave me alone instead of letting him follow me around and giving him false hopes that he still has a chance. I never want to lead him on in any way because that is something I would never tolerate once I'm in a relationship.

You know how there are some things that are better left unsaid and some that deserve to be said loud and clear? Well, this is one of those times. Here's the thing: the more you force yourself to forget about HER because you just convinced yourself that she's not worth it, the less likely you're going to be confident about building another friendship with the opposite sex in the future. Why? Because you're more likely to look back on this experience as "Been there, done that. I'm just gonna end up getting rejected again, so it's not worth it." If you decide that it's better to just remain silent about what you truly feel about her and hope that time will soon eat away all the pain of rejection, then find a way to break the cycle of those self-defeating thoughts.
Did she even SAY to you, "No, we can never be more than friends"?
I'm not suggesting that you try and persuade her to take a chance on you. I'm saying that perhaps, being honest and sincere about what you felt about her all these years, that you've been waiting for the right time to LET HER KNOW that you really want to become more than friends might trigger like a feeling of nostalgia or something or a longing for "the way things were". Or at least say something along the lines of "This whole time I thought you were someone special but..." and go from there. (this is how it plays out in my head... I would consider this Stage3: the brutal honest truth)

I think giving her more clarity of your intentions, as opposed to attempting to pursue her in a more romantic level (asking her out, etc.), is not likely to scare her off. Well, to me, it wouldn't be a bad thing because all I'm going to see is a guy showing a lot of nerve to say what I needed to hear without expecting anything in return. Does that make sense? It's gotta be the most challenging thing you could ever do in your life but imagine the thought of "getting it off your chest" in order for you to just get on with the rest of your life.

 

[she1slander]

show them how you feel, not tell...telling has never worked for me anyways, taking action always has given me the answer I need, sometimes it was rejection but that is still better than not knowing.

That is something I really really try to accept because not knowing at all is what gives me hope but then forces me to keep holding on without being 100% certain that there's no need to... if that makes sense...
but you're also right that 'showing' takes more effort than simply 'telling' especially when it starts to go beyond friendship... actions speak louder than words.

UPDATE: Now she's spreading a rumour that I tried to stalk her. Guess she wasnt the girl I had thought her to be after all.

Then you have every reason to tell her straight out that this whole time she was just using you and it's unfair that she made you hope that one day it would turn into something more. Look, I know how difficult this is for you to do but I stand by what I said in my previous post and that is to tell it to her face. Don't be nice or try to sugarcoat any of it... I sincerely think that people like her deserve to hear what needs to be said in order for them to... I dunno... get a clue or whatever. It'll just be another learning experience for both of you.

On the other hand, if you decide not to give this a try and forever hold your peace... well, then she'll never know but there goes the idea of teaching her a lesson or two.

 

[schist]

Righto, just to clear something up:

I'm not shy around the opposite sex, and will have little to no trouble finding another woman when the time comes. This will be no hurdle in future romantic/potentially romantic encounters with women.

Also, I will not tell her how I felt about her, as I made it clear enough through my actions and conversations with her, and it would not be fair as I no longer feel that way about her.

Now - I had to find this out through her ex-boyfriend (who I am friends with), and he told me he felt insulted that guys were trying to go after her a week after they broke up. Had I known that they were still trying to work things out, I would never have tried to make a move. Also, there was another guy trying to get flirty with her at the same time, yet absolutely no mention of him or his actions was made. I call bulls**t.

Either way, when this is all said and done, there will be no relationship of any kind between me and her. I was distraught when I thought I had been officially friend-zoned, but having only just found out that there was a reason for it (like I said, they were still trying to work things out) and that I was not informed in any way, and that she's now attempting to single me out as a stalker, I am downright insulted. The bridge between us has been burnt, and the ashes evaporated.

And I will have absolutely no trouble telling all this to her face when she decides to come to me for an explanation.

Oh, and it's probably worth mentioning that I had a golden opportunity with her 2 years ago, but I blew it due to being an awkward insecure pussyfag (I'm a very different person now, and it took a lot of work to get there), so it wasn't like there was any potentially romantic history between us.