Unlikeable

[Dusti]

Before I start, I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am not looking for pity here. I am an older woman and all of my life I have had problems with people disliking me. I am basically friendly, although superficially, and at work I am professional and pleasant. I am guarded with my personal feelings and only release my feelings to those that I trust. However, my family (mother, brother sister) and my daughter all seem to rather be someplace else when I'm around. Throughout my life I've overheard my family talking behind my back like I'm their enemy on many occasions and that makes me stay at arms length. I know a lot of people but can't really call any of them friends as if something happens and I need help (which is rare) I could not depend on them. It's always been my way to try at a relationship as much as I can to make it successful but in the end I believe that all relationships should be 50/50 effort. I always end up giving 75% and if I back off the relationship falls apart and ends up at the "Christmas card once a year" level. I try to be supportive to everyone that I feel needs support and am always around if someone needs me. However, I am not a pushy person and if I feel someone isn't making an effort, I'll back off thinking that they would just rather not have me be an active part in their lives. This has been going on my entire life and now that I'm an older woman, with all of the efforts I have given to all of the people in my life (male and female), I have no one that really cares enough to check in or see how I am doing if they haven't heard from me for a while. I am between hurt, anger and disappointment -- except at Christmas time when I get all those Christmas cards. Your thoughts?

 

[Richey]

One thing I have learnt is that people like relaxed, placid, nice conversation. Yes some people like competitive banter and sarcasm, especially strong personalities, they enjoy the playfulness. But I think generally, people like unintimidating conversation...

I think some personalities who try to make friends and are helpful, may be trying too hard or are perhaps a bit pushy. So just say an outgoing person wants to make a friend, but they are being pushy and using sarcasm, the mild mannered person may take that as offensive and won't realise the undertones of humour or playfulness....

So it depends on how making friends is approached.

I just try to be helpful and nice. I am not very good at banter, I usually end up making things awkward if I participate in what I call "building-site" banter. No matter where you work.....

I think just being interested, taking it slow, being helpful, mentioning a story or something funny, just being interested is enough....that will likely make you friends...but remember a lot of people resist friendship as adults because we live in a more independent orientated and insular society, where it is a bit of a shock that "a person seems to like me", *shock*....just because people tend to be quite guarded and living their own worlds....

It isn't easy.

 

[Lilly789]

For you to be here, and writing this post, I'm assuming this is a long term repetitive occurrence in your life and relationships with others. I hope you hear that - repetitive. Its not a coincidence. People aren't avoided by others over the course of their lives for no reason. So its one, or both, of two things -

1. either people are avoiding you because you're not as easy to get along with (for whatever reason) as you imply (whether you realise this at all or not is irrelevant to the fact)
2. you're imagining the avoidance.

Im 36 and have a personality disorder, (not defined, I don't fit into a "category", and many don't) and for me, its a combination of the two. For the first few months of knowing someone, or with people I don't see very often - I get along with people extremely well. After that, when they start to get a bit closer or get to know me, it all falls apart slowly but surely, due to my own insecurities, issues with intimacy (in friendships, not just relationships) and eccentricities (which are mild). I hear things said about me behind my back too (everyone does at some point!), but I often take it out of context, or take it too far (a mild type of "splitting" if you want to look that up). Its not a "paranoia", its a much milder behavioural response, but enough to make things difficult. Knowing something isn't quite right with your life doesn't help.

The second part of your post where you talk about your relationships is very similar to me too. Again, its not a coincidence that it is happening repeatedly to you.

My advice would be go to a psychologist (NOT a GP, and NOT a psychiatrist, they will just refer you back to a psychologist anyway), and tell them all about everything in your life - past relationships, how things "work" in your life.

personality disorders are generally NOT psychiatric conditions (with obvious exceptions). They are a combination of your natural personality combined with external and inner emotional experience and patterns of behaviour. None of these are necessarily "weird" behaviours, they are just patterns that interfere with your life. Behavioural responses can be changed and/ or managed when you are aware of them.

Nothing is going to change until someone with professional experience and chat to you and help you figure out what's going on, and help you develop methods to manage it. And if they confirm its not you, its everyone else, then great!

 

[ascendedOne]

Before I start, I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am not looking for pity here. I am an older woman and all of my life I have had problems with people disliking me. I am basically friendly, although superficially, and at work I am professional and pleasant. I am guarded with my personal feelings and only release my feelings to those that I trust. However, my family (mother, brother sister) and my daughter all seem to rather be someplace else when I'm around. Throughout my life I've overheard my family talking behind my back like I'm their enemy on many occasions and that makes me stay at arms length. I know a lot of people but can't really call any of them friends as if something happens and I need help (which is rare) I could not depend on them. It's always been my way to try at a relationship as much as I can to make it successful but in the end I believe that all relationships should be 50/50 effort. I always end up giving 75% and if I back off the relationship falls apart and ends up at the "Christmas card once a year" level. I try to be supportive to everyone that I feel needs support and am always around if someone needs me. However, I am not a pushy person and if I feel someone isn't making an effort, I'll back off thinking that they would just rather not have me be an active part in their lives. This has been going on my entire life and now that I'm an older woman, with all of the efforts I have given to all of the people in my life (male and female), I have no one that really cares enough to check in or see how I am doing if they haven't heard from me for a while. I am between hurt, anger and disappointment -- except at Christmas time when I get all those Christmas cards. Your thoughts?

It sounds like you need to stop worrying about other people and focus on yourself. You sound like your playing a victim. Stop. Stop thinking about how much other people dislike you and just live your life. You need to practice self love and self compassion, something other people can NEVER and will NEVER be able to give you, only yourself. If this means staying away from family and "friends" then so be it. You're allowing all of your energy to be taken up by these people instead of allowing the energy to help support you. Stop putting value on other people and place that value on yourself, period. No excuses.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Did they have pills back in Atlantis? How in the world did those people survive thousands of years ago?

I was not aware that there are historical records detailing medical care in Atlantis. :thinking:

 

[Lilly789]

ascendedOne - atlantis? umm ok... lol you are demonstrating very well the difference between a psychological disorder and a psychiatric one.

What part of my post implies that anything she is doing is "crazy"? in fact, I explained that its not. If you have comprehension problems, or don't undestand what a personality disorder is here - Google
find a dictionary.

 

[ascendedOne]

I was not aware that there are historical records detailing medical care in Atlantis. :thinking:

Sarcasm is negativity. They survived in the past without pills, there is no need for them now either.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

You asked if they had pills in Atlantis. The only way to know that is with historical records concerning this, which I am unaware of.

I am curious how you would know if they did.

 

[kihira]

They survived in the past without pills, there is no need for them now either.

Life expectancy was much lower in the past before modern medicine, the general trend was for people to have large families early and to anticipate at least some of their children dying in childhood. Many people did not survive illnesses that can be readily treated today

 

[WalkAlone]

You have to understand, you are not the problem THEY are. People who treat others like you describe are selfish, inconsiderate, etc etc. So when you are treated bad you think it has something to do with you. But it doesn't. You also will never change those people they are not wiling to change. I have been through it before with friends and family. I just got tired of it and stopped trying. I started making new friends and finding people who would appreciate me and enjoy my company and conversation. I don't do favors or allow those kind of people to take advantage of my kindness anymore. Learn to stick up for yourself more often and have higher standards. You deserve more respect and consideration. It also sounds like your family scapegoats you. If they are talking behind your back and team up against you and constantly blame things on you, then you are a scapegoat. Once again, don't put up with it. The best thing to do is avoid them. Don't get yourself angry and worked up it is only gonna hurt you. And like I say, you will never change people like this.

 

[Kiwong]

I am not very well liked. And a proportion of that is due to the person that I am. I do have problems relating to people, I am not that nice, I am over sensitive angry. I've also been fortunate to have encountered some people in my life that have made me this way. The bullies in particular. There are also some great people out there, and when my attitude is positive, I've been able to engage with these people who are kind beyond expectation.

 

[jc972]

I am not very well liked. And a proportion of that is due to the person that I am. I do have problems relating to people, I am not that nice. I've also been fortunate to have encountered some people in my life that have made me this way. The bullies in particular.

Hater's are gonna hate, dude. Don't let em bring you down. :thumbup:

 

[Kiwong]

Hater's are gonna hate, dude. Don't let em bring you down. :thumbup:

Cheers Jc, I think I am getting better at it. It's like dealing with online trolls, respond with a smile and a wave, or a peace sign.

 

[jc972]

Cheers Jc, I think I am getting better at it. It's like dealing with online trolls, respond with a smile and a wave, or a peace sign.

Trolls :thumbdown:

 

[Remus]

Removed some posts.

a reminder:

3. Violations The following types of posts are not permitted:

-armchair psychiatry (online drugs, unqualified diagnosis and treatment) webmaster rule

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/site-rules-26653/

 

[skins]

However, I am not a pushy person and if I feel someone isn't making an effort, I'll back off thinking that they would just rather not have me be an active part in their lives.

^this thought process is probably the only thing that is letting you down on the odd occasion...I have personally known of people who have spoken about very close friends that have become a very pivotal part of their lives, but in the beginning were initially thought of in terms indifferent, boring, or even annoying but it was only through persistence that this person "forced" themselves into their lives and for the better in the end.

 

[Dusti]

You give wonderful advice, however, I have already done that. Being a 60+ year old woman there are not too many things I haven't tried. I am totally content with being alone and content with who I am and extremely proud of my accomplishments especially since I have done mostly everything myself. There comes a time in life, however -- especially in later years, when you start to question areas of your life in which you have not been successful. As a matter of fact, I am so self-sufficient and independent that I have wondered if that may be the very thing that keeps me from having successful relationships. Thanks so much for your advice though.

 

[Livemylife]

Before I start, I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am not looking for pity here. I am an older woman and all of my life I have had problems with people disliking me. I am basically friendly, although superficially, and at work I am professional and pleasant. I am guarded with my personal feelings and only release my feelings to those that I trust. However, my family (mother, brother sister) and my daughter all seem to rather be someplace else when I'm around. Throughout my life I've overheard my family talking behind my back like I'm their enemy on many occasions and that makes me stay at arms length. I know a lot of people but can't really call any of them friends as if something happens and I need help (which is rare) I could not depend on them. It's always been my way to try at a relationship as much as I can to make it successful but in the end I believe that all relationships should be 50/50 effort. I always end up giving 75% and if I back off the relationship falls apart and ends up at the "Christmas card once a year" level. I try to be supportive to everyone that I feel needs support and am always around if someone needs me. However, I am not a pushy person and if I feel someone isn't making an effort, I'll back off thinking that they would just rather not have me be an active part in their lives. This has been going on my entire life and now that I'm an older woman, with all of the efforts I have given to all of the people in my life (male and female), I have no one that really cares enough to check in or see how I am doing if they haven't heard from me for a while. I am between hurt, anger and disappointment -- except at Christmas time when I get all those Christmas cards. Your thoughts?

I have overheard someone say they didn't like me...a total stranger. Anyway, I've concluded that my body language gives off a nonsocial vibe. Well, this body language is accurate. I don't want to socialize and do not like socializing. But if someone comes up to me and talks, I will put on a smile and respond back. Most will not approach though because they are deterred by body language. As a nonsocial human, I've learned that body language is very, very important to humans.

I think this body language is especially apparent when I'm simply in the same space as people (not necessarily interacting with them, just in the same vicinity). I am naturally disconnected from my social surroundings and "aloof." People do NOT like this. Maybe this is the same predicament you are in. People judge you as antisocial, or something about your appearance or demeanor just makes them think you're unlikeable. Your expression or tone may be "off" to them. I should add that you shouldn't feel bad about that at all because you didn't do anything wrong.

 

[jaim38]

You have to understand, you are not the problem THEY are. People who treat others like you describe are selfish, inconsiderate, etc etc. So when you are treated bad you think it has something to do with you. But it doesn't. You also will never change those people they are not wiling to change. I have been through it before with friends and family. I just got tired of it and stopped trying. I started making new friends and finding people who would appreciate me and enjoy my company and conversation. I don't do favors or allow those kind of people to take advantage of my kindness anymore. Learn to stick up for yourself more often and have higher standards. You deserve more respect and consideration. It also sounds like your family scapegoats you. If they are talking behind your back and team up against you and constantly blame things on you, then you are a scapegoat. Once again, don't put up with it. The best thing to do is avoid them. Don't get yourself angry and worked up it is only gonna hurt you. And like I say, you will never change people like this.

Agreed! That's what I was thinking too after being harassed at my grandma's funeral. There are billions of people on this planet that I have yet to meet. I won't meet them all, but I will find people who appreciate me and enjoy my company.