nightcrawler
Well-known member
When you started going out with someone did it boost your confidence? Did it make you feel "normal", and improve your self-esteem? Has it helped you to overcome your SP, or at least reduce it?
To those who have SP AND a girl/boyfriend
- Thread starter nightcrawler
- Start date
Was good, made me feel alot better. End result though is what hindered me the most though. Relationships are a dangerous game on the psyche.
Rembrandt Broam
Well-known member
Not really. It doesn't matter whether I'm dating someone or not - my SP is still the same. The two things aren't even slightly related for me.
sanitariumcalls
Well-known member
When my partner and I were first together and I didn't hear from him for a couple days (happened a few times in the first 3 months) I would have a massive anxiety attack, thinking he'd changed his mind. Hell, 3 years later I still have my moments here and there that he's gonna go back to his ex and drop me like a bag of trash, or when we go out to the range some weekends that he'll shoot me dead and take everything I have (I realize that's full blown delusional, but it pops into my head)...
But after I calm down, and get a grip on myself and reality, I remember why I love him. He understands, and never judges, when I get around to telling him (if I say anything at all) that its a part of who I am and he can't change it. He supports me as best he can, and that's all I can ask of him <3
But after I calm down, and get a grip on myself and reality, I remember why I love him. He understands, and never judges, when I get around to telling him (if I say anything at all) that its a part of who I am and he can't change it. He supports me as best he can, and that's all I can ask of him <3
coyote
Well-known member
It's not "one size fits all" I'm afraid
philly2bits
Well-known member
If affects different people in many different ways. It's not so simple as looking at a certain set of criteria and saying yes you have it or no you don't. Some people may have an easy time getting into romantic relationships but have no social lives otherwise. Others may be able to go out night after night and hang out with all kinds of people but are still as lonely as someone who never leaves their house. The list goes on.
What matters most is that someone feels they are inhibited in some way socially, not that they conform to some external standard.
Asherah
Active member
I met my boyfriend when i was still in mental hospital, i was doing quite good, been there for almost 2 years and got almost out the day i met him. He was in his brother in law's tattooshop and i came looking for a suitable tattoo and he helped me. I had to ask him if it didnt matter i was taking all kinda meds, incase youre loosing to much blood and that kinda things while being tattood. Thats how we came to talk, he was taking meds for depression at that time aswell, and thats how i ended almost everyday, after my therapyday, in the tattooshop talking with him about the things we felt, we had done etc. For about a year (we are together for 5 years now) it went pretty well with me and my anxieties, after that they came back and worse than ever.
For me having a bf doesnt make me more confident at all, because he has to find me attractive otherwise he will dump me, that makes me really nervous, although he tells me im beautiful. When i talk to him, im scared im saying something wrong, because its the worst hurting the most important person in your life, I dont want to loose him. So sometimes i think im better of alone, although i love him really really much, but my thoughts, my anxieties makes a relationship really really hard and im hurting him by being this way. Not only for me its hard, for him aswell, he sees in how much pain i am, because i cant do things i would love to do, that im never ever comfortable, even not when im alone, because i always think my neighbours can here me and think bad things of me or what ever weird things pop up in my head. I cant come along anymore when hes going to friends or family. All of that makes me worry more and more, why the hell does he love me? But he does, thats the weirdest thing.
So for me having a relationship doesnt make me more confident, i know i should, hes loves me the way i am, although it hurts him and he wants me to get better, but its still to hard to believe someone could actually love someone like me, im doing practically nothing, im sitting home all day long, never go with him when hes visiting people etc etc.
But i know i have to be greatful i have a bf who loves me and i am, but it doesnt make my sa go away nor my depressions and low self esteem.
sorry for the long post
For me having a bf doesnt make me more confident at all, because he has to find me attractive otherwise he will dump me, that makes me really nervous, although he tells me im beautiful. When i talk to him, im scared im saying something wrong, because its the worst hurting the most important person in your life, I dont want to loose him. So sometimes i think im better of alone, although i love him really really much, but my thoughts, my anxieties makes a relationship really really hard and im hurting him by being this way. Not only for me its hard, for him aswell, he sees in how much pain i am, because i cant do things i would love to do, that im never ever comfortable, even not when im alone, because i always think my neighbours can here me and think bad things of me or what ever weird things pop up in my head. I cant come along anymore when hes going to friends or family. All of that makes me worry more and more, why the hell does he love me? But he does, thats the weirdest thing.
So for me having a relationship doesnt make me more confident, i know i should, hes loves me the way i am, although it hurts him and he wants me to get better, but its still to hard to believe someone could actually love someone like me, im doing practically nothing, im sitting home all day long, never go with him when hes visiting people etc etc.
But i know i have to be greatful i have a bf who loves me and i am, but it doesnt make my sa go away nor my depressions and low self esteem.
sorry for the long post
It took me a long time to accept that somone found me attractive and genuinely wanted to be with me (I was used by a lot of guys before my husband). I still sometimes have a hard time believing he's physically attracted to me, but that's just my self-esteem issues. My self-esteem and self-confidence is through the roof compared to where it was when I first met my hubby. Because of this, my avoidance and shyness is reduced
I'm anxious in social situations, more so with small groups and much more with men. When I get used to people gradually that anixety fades, I'm at my best one to one. I gather some peoples SA is better in groups as they can hide.
Maybe you are mixing up love shyness with SA? there's some posts on that somewhere on here worth reading.
Back on topic, relationships do not cure SA, I had two in my 20's that were very damaging, so much so that I spent almost ten years avoidant of any kind of romance/intamacy.
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userremoved
Guest
Indeed. I've seen cases here where people have BFs/GFs but no friends. For me making friends isn't too challenging but anything more intimate is not going to happen. So I see how it's different for all of us.
tweetebird
Well-known member
Well, I am married now, and have had one other boyfriend before my marriage. I would say it didn't help my social phobia, though it helped my overall levels of happiness. Social phobia did affect my dating life overall, as I didn't have any experiences with the opposite sex until I finally went out with my first boyfriend at 20 years old. These two guys had just the right approach, not too aggressive, but not too passive either, that helped me feel comfortable with them. They were also both chatterboxes, taking the pressure off of me
HeadFace
Well-known member
My confidence went somewhat up... But then it went lower even more than it was before I went out with her, when she dumped me. And no, I still knew that I was an outcast/SocialPhobic and all of that stuff. I don't really want to feel "normal" either.
And... I'm not sure if it has helped my SP, actually xD I think my SP improved because of me alone. Though, back to the confidence thing, it kind of has gone up. I mean, at first it got worse. But I got used to it, and started being more confident in myself. Though that doesn't mean I'm at all a party animal or social butterfly or anything like that
Topofthemountain
Member
Although there are a lot of commonalities in our experiences with SA, every person's causes, experiences, symptoms and triggers can be very different. And the coping mechanisms we learn and our personal comfort zones are different and change over time.
I have been married twice. Actually, I still am married, although my wife and I have been separated for quite a few years, but remain friends. However, having SA can make a relationship much more difficult and put stresses on the relationship that a non-SA couple won't experience. It seemed as a couple that my circle of friends was larger when I was with my wife. She is very social and it was easier to make friends through her. She was the social part of me that I wish I had. Now that we're not together, my circle of friends is much smaller and it seems so much harder to meet people by myself. Although I am very lonely some times and really want to be with people. I just don't know how. And when I have the opportunity, I feel so uncomfortable, it rarely works.
Not to say that a couple where one has SA is more or less likely to live happily ever after than a couple without.
Damn! I sound like a flippin' therapist.......sheez!
I have been married twice. Actually, I still am married, although my wife and I have been separated for quite a few years, but remain friends. However, having SA can make a relationship much more difficult and put stresses on the relationship that a non-SA couple won't experience. It seemed as a couple that my circle of friends was larger when I was with my wife. She is very social and it was easier to make friends through her. She was the social part of me that I wish I had. Now that we're not together, my circle of friends is much smaller and it seems so much harder to meet people by myself. Although I am very lonely some times and really want to be with people. I just don't know how. And when I have the opportunity, I feel so uncomfortable, it rarely works.
Not to say that a couple where one has SA is more or less likely to live happily ever after than a couple without.
Damn! I sound like a flippin' therapist.......sheez!
LazyHermitCrab
Well-known member
i don't have one currently, but i really liked it.. i got too nervous to meet his friends and family and all that..thought something bad would happen it just feels better to be in a relationship, because it's nice to think of someone when your doing everyday things. it was nice to have something to look forward to each week..blah blah lol
it just feels better to be in a relationship, because it's nice to think of someone when your doing everyday things. it was nice to have something to look forward to each week..blah blah lol