Time to feel sorry for myself

[Iseesky]

I feel like I'm slowly losing control of my life. High school was great now that I think about it. I'm in college now. I'm 19. An adult. But, I have no job...no license...no friends...crappy grades...

Friends...I've lost contact with the people I used to hang out with in high school. I have two friends and one of them I don't trust at all. The other is in a similar predicament as I am. I've made aquaintances in college, but no friends. I'll have classes with great people one semester, and then in the next semester I'll either never see them again or they look at me and look away when I see them in the hallway.

Job...I don't have a job and I've never had one. It terrifies me to get one. I have places that I'd like to apply to, but that would require calling and asking if they're looking for help or going into the place itself. There are plenty of jobs available, but they all seem to require constant human interaction and that scares me.

Grades...I've never had any problems with my grades until now. I got a c- in English, one of my favourite subjects. It's just getting so much harder. I switched subjects from fine arts to psychology. I'm doing well in psychology, but did MUCH better in fine arts. I love art, but I just can't see myself making a living out of an art related career. I love to paint and draw at home for fun...Being forced to do it just wasn't something I enjoyed. I want to be able to help people like me...Like us. Kids in particular. But I'm always doubting myself. How can I help mentally ill people when I'm mentally ill and can't help myself? I'm constantly being reminded by my parents how I need to start working harder and they NEVER make comments on my grades.

License...I also need my license. I've had my learner's permit for years now. My dad actually bought me a car. He thought it'd inspire me to go out and start driving. To be honest, I thought it would too. But, now that I have the car I can't drive it and my dad takes it to work everyday. I'm scared to drive (I have before and I really don't like it) and I'm scared to get into a car with an instructor that I don't know. My little brother is 17 and he's already tried and failed his road test...But it's a lot more than I've done! Next year my youngest brother will be able to get his learners. ::

Basically these are the things that are important to me right now. I've literally stopped being anxious over everything else and this is what I need to focus on. It just scares me. I see many people my age with jobs, with apartments of their own, with boyfriends and girlfriends, with CONFIDENCE...and I have none of those things. It makes me feel so bad. One thing connects with the others it seems. I want to get a job. But then to have a job I need a car or some form of transportation. I could take the bus, but it takes twice as long in some cases.

Anyway, I'm just feeling really down lately. One thing keeping me going is the start of school in September. Hopefully I'll be able to bring my grades up. Hopefully I'll be able to meet some new people that I could consider friends. Hopefully I'll gain some confidence to get a job and finally get my license.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Quite the read. I never did well in English myself. Never understood the point.

'Here, read this book and do a report.' What about nouns, pronouns, or those adjectives? Never was taught any of that. Useless.

I see you don't like to be forced either. Just takes all the fun out, it now has to get done. No room for the mystery what if.

Confidence will arrive. Maybe not fast.

You seem to be looking forward to meeting new people. Find this odd to me. I look forward to walking past them.

 

[fitftw]

You seem to be looking forward to meeting new people. Find this odd to me. I look forward to walking past them.

this needs to be in a book. And I feel the same way. It's like I tense up and breathe differently when a person is walking towards me, and I feel like I can be myself again after I pass them.

 

[Sial Axetder]

this needs to be in a book. And I feel the same way. It's like I tense up and breathe differently when a person is walking towards me, and I feel like I can be myself again after I pass them.

What kind of book?

Walking past many people, too many and ... blank slate? Example, mall setting.

 

[panicsurvivor]

The best therapists are the ones who have either had, or still have their own mental problems. They have more empathy, understand better, and usually want to help much more than your garden variety detached condecending Pchyciatrist (Both words spelled wrong:. Once you have your license, I would not work, if you can swing it financially, and focus on your grades. And stick with psyc. maybe it was meant to be. Art will make you the most educated man at taco Bell. Stick with helping people, and I bet you won't be sorry for yourself very long.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

i feel similar like, i tried getting a job, but got so nervous during the interview, so it didn't go well..so yea it's hard. i also go to college, but not sure what i'm going to do with it yet. the future isn't exactly straightforward. you might end up finding lots of things you like,which can cause some confusion. it's not like each person has an ovious destiny. try not magnify everything.. with time, i'm sure you will get a job, license, and some new friends. the wonderful thing is, you have goals and perhaps you will discover new unexpected interests never give uppppp..there's no limit to how many times one can fail and there's always something else to try

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

Don't feel sorry for yourself just yet.
Wait until you're almost 30, bald, and getting gray hair with the exact same story, only less college.
Focus on and have fun in college. I'm sure you'll be fine. After all, you're in college to GET a good job aren't you? Don't worry about not having one now. Friends will come. You're still young!

 

[zav943]

I got my license and first job (at a big oil company) when I was 20. Have some patience!

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I think your post sums up perfectly how many of us here feel, even if we're not in exactly the same position as you - the sentiments you express still apply.

It's good that you're looking forward to September, and have real hope of achieving your goals in the near future. That says you still believe in yourself, and know deep down inside that you can do the things you want to do.

 

[Dronee]

You know... In a lot of first world and even developing countries, there's a number of artistic jobs available that don't necessarily require you to produce masterpieces... Illustrating, designing, working on the web... etc... there's ways to make a living. My uncle's a graphic designer and he's doing quite well. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's really possible especially if you're already quite good in it which you seem to be.

 

[Kinetik]

Sadly, life gets worse. The only difference is that you start to care a little less with each year that goes by. I'm learning more and more that building up your resilience to life's setbacks is the important thing, because changing who we are is very difficult. It's not like you get your driving license and life gets better - you're still the same person. It may seem like you can cross off little achievements and feel more satisfied with yourself, but the anxiety and day-to-day problems never really go away. So I think the best thing you can do is try to deal with it all better internally (ie. be less fazed by everything). Easier said than done, but it's easier than trying to endlessly improve situations that can't (easily) be improved.

 

[fitftw]

I hate my ****ing life.

**** having friends. **** NOT having friends.

**** staying home all god damn day.

**** not having anything to go outside for.

**** my entire existence.

**** every single thing in this ****ing world.

**** money.

**** love.

**** sex.

**** material possessions.

**** people who live exciting lives.

****. I can't wait to finally ****ing die. Too bad I'm too scared to end it myself.

 

[Sial Axetder]

I hate my ****ing life.

**** having friends. **** NOT having friends.

**** staying home all god damn day.

**** not having anything to go outside for.

**** my entire existence.

**** every single thing in this ****ing world.

**** money.

**** love.

**** sex.

**** material possessions.

**** people who live exciting lives.

****. I can't wait to finally ****ing die. Too bad I'm too scared to end it myself.

We all hate our lives at some point. Just have to keep moving through. Eventually you'll turn around. Find something you like to do and keep hold of it.

Too bad I feel it's the cheater's way out. I'd rather go out fighting anyway.