The whatever journal (part 2)

[w*n*c*a*m]

I’m here again which means I’m sad.

Remember when I was so anxious about having a 2nd child? Now silly me is anxious about not having a 2nd child. It’s almost July and still no pregnancy happening. I’ve been using calendar apps but now I’m actually using an ovulation test kit and it’s been days since calendar says I’m in my fertile window but ovulation test says I’m not fertile still.

Every morning I see that test result turn negative, I get more hopeless. This morning I actually cried silently. I’m having remorse for not trying earlier for a second child. I’m crying for my son who might not have a chance to get a sibling. I’m crying that we will be the only close family he will have because all our family members are in our home country. I’m crying that I’m not sociable at all to make him attend more parties or hold his own party. I’m crying that he will be lonely…. There is so much regret that I wish I can rewind back time so I can fix this. At the very least I should have frozen my egg while I was still younger.
I’m turning 35 next month and it feels like a death sentence now.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

What makes it worse is that everything is reminding me of that frustration.
I have 2 pregnant coworkers and 1 is even a friend. Like we were talking about pregnancy this year and now she is actually pregnant and I’m still not. Then I see Facebook pics of friends with their 2 kids. Then there’s people asking us when we’re planning for a second. Even a friend messaging me saying about not to have an only child and how she is an only child and grew up lonely. Like damn I know she meant well but she’s just adding to my own frustration. Then I see my sister and think of how nice that I have a sister to lean on and even if we’re far apart it’s a comfort to know that I can talk to her anytime. How when dad got sick and She was there for support.
I’m thinking of all these things my son would miss without a sibling and much worse living in a place where no other family members are nearby. Maybe you’ll say ‘well then go back to your home country or make them migrate’. It is not that easy to do when it comes to financial matters.
And turning 35 I’m not even sure if it is still wise to have a 2nd child knowing that there’s a higher chance of miscarriage or genetic abnormalities.
I dont know what to do anymore. It is so sad to think that maybe I should just accept things as it is.

 

[SoScared]

It's too early for most of this. Give nature a chance. Relax, 35 is just fine, especially for a second child

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

It's too early for most of this. Give nature a chance. Relax, 35 is just fine, especially for a second child

Thanks for the comfort

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Adding to my pregnancy frustration I’m also feeling down because a lot of my co-workers are leaving. I’ve been ignoring it and acting like I’m not affected at all. But deep inside I’m sad. In my past job I never felt this way. Co-workers come and go and I’m just used to it.

But this new workplace feels like one big family. I know I used to get stressed with people here when I was new but eventually I’ve warmed up to them and created some unexpected friendship. Even the senior coworkers have accepted me and they’re now used to my personality. It used to be happy here. But there were some changes at work, coworkers became more pressured, better opportunities showing up from other companies so a lot of them are now leaving.
At first I was like, ‘Eh that’s life people come and go’. But I’m getting butterflies in my stomach these days, I’m lacking appetite yet I’m eating comfort food just to fill in the emptiness in my stomach and my feelings. I felt lazy and tired even during days off.

I thought I’m immune to these changes but I guess this is the sad reality of having good relationship with coworkers: it’s sad when they leave.

 

[F0AM]

Adding to my pregnancy frustration I’m also feeling down because a lot of my co-workers are leaving. I’ve been ignoring it and acting like I’m not affected at all. But deep inside I’m sad. In my past job I never felt this way. Co-workers come and go and I’m just used to it.

But this new workplace feels like one big family. I know I used to get stressed with people here when I was new but eventually I’ve warmed up to them and created some unexpected friendship. Even the senior coworkers have accepted me and they’re now used to my personality. It used to be happy here. But there were some changes at work, coworkers became more pressured, better opportunities showing up from other companies so a lot of them are now leaving.
At first I was like, ‘Eh that’s life people come and go’. But I’m getting butterflies in my stomach these days, I’m lacking appetite yet I’m eating comfort food just to fill in the emptiness in my stomach and my feelings. I felt lazy and tired even during days off.

I thought I’m immune to these changes but I guess this is the sad reality of having good relationship with coworkers: it’s sad when they leave.

Try to keep in touch with those you feel more attached to, is always nice (and healthy) having a conversation or meeting up with those we like whenever is possible , even if it is from time to time to catch up or disconnect from our daily stuff!

A healthy work environment is extremely important for its quality, and co workers play a fundamental role there, so it's normal that you feel down.

And turning 35 I’m not even sure if it is still wise to have a 2nd child knowing that there’s a higher chance of miscarriage or genetic abnormalities.
I dont know what to do anymore. It is so sad to think that maybe I should just accept things as it is

My mother had me when she (and my father) was 32! And 0 problems (in fact i was extremely healthy, my gosh how many times im using that word)

Then there’s people asking us when we’re planning for a second

God, you ain't Netflix! xD

she is an only child and grew up lonely. Like damn I know she meant well but she’s just adding to my own frustration.

Well, there's also ppl with siblings who are lonely too beacause their siblings end up doing their life and following their own path. SO don't you worry about this! Even if your son doesn´t have a sibling, whether it is on school, extra activities, work, social media, etc. He will surely meet others and develop bonds, have friends, family, etc. Even us ppl with social anxiety/phobia are able to do that (even if sometimes harder). And your son has the luck of being born in a time where being in contact with others is easier than ever!

As SoScared said, trust in nature

No matter how you look at it, nothing is lost

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Try to keep in touch with those you feel more attached to, is always nice (and healthy) having a conversation or meeting up with those we like whenever is possible , even if it is from time to time to catch up or disconnect from our daily stuff!

A healthy work environment is extremely important for its quality, and co workers play a fundamental role there, so it's normal that you feel down.


My mother had me when she (and my father) was 32! And 0 problems (in fact i was extremely healthy, my gosh how many times im using that word)

God, you ain't Netflix! xD

Well, there's also ppl with siblings who are lonely too beacause their siblings end up doing their life and following their own path. SO don't you worry about this! Even if your son doesn´t have a sibling, whether it is on school, extra activities, work, social media, etc. He will surely meet others and develop bonds, have friends, family, etc. Even us ppl with social anxiety/phobia are able to do that (even if sometimes harder). And your son has the luck of being born in a time where being in contact with others is easier than ever!

As SoScared said, trust in nature

No matter how you look at it, nothing is lost

Try to keep in touch with those you feel more attached to, is always nice (and healthy) having a conversation or meeting up with those we like whenever is possible , even if it is from time to time to catch up or disconnect from our daily stuff!

A healthy work environment is extremely important for its quality, and co workers play a fundamental role there, so it's normal that you feel down.


My mother had me when she (and my father) was 32! And 0 problems (in fact i was extremely healthy, my gosh how many times im using that word)

God, you ain't Netflix! xD

Well, there's also ppl with siblings who are lonely too beacause their siblings end up doing their life and following their own path. SO don't you worry about this! Even if your son doesn´t have a sibling, whether it is on school, extra activities, work, social media, etc. He will surely meet others and develop bonds, have friends, family, etc. Even us ppl with social anxiety/phobia are able to do that (even if sometimes harder). And your son has the luck of being born in a time where being in contact with others is easier than ever!

As SoScared said, trust in nature

No matter how you look at it, nothing is lost

No matter how good the bond I had with a coworker, things will be different when I don’t see them anymore. It takes a much deeper and mutual relationship to make me comfortable to see them outside work. We have group chats but I know eventually that conversation will dwindle (lol is that an appropriate term? sorry English is not my native language). I know by that time they say goodbye, that will be the end of my relationship/connection to them.


Thanks for the comforting words. Technology does help my son in some ways to connect with my husband’s family. He loves calling them frequently. My son is quite a talker and loves being with people. He likes going to childcare and even looks forward to it. Honestly I’m a bit relieved that he took his dad’s trait. But that also makes me sad for him coz I can tell that he is craving for kid’s company. I can play with my son at home but it’s different when it’s a child he is playing with like that of a sibling.
He also likes babies and he often tells me how he’ll take care of babies. So even my own son constantly reminds me of that ‘sibling’.

I still feel down but I’m doing my best to heal and rest. I’m having butterflies up to now. It helps that I’m off today.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Anxiety is kicking in again. I woke up feeling butterflies in stomach just because I have to get up and face another day. I have to feed son and cook and go to work. How I wish I can freeze time just so I can have more free time for myself.
I’ve been eating shtty because of this. I’m grabbing all comfort food I can to make myself feel a little better. I’m avoiding any caffeine even my usual green tea or matcha. I’m already looking forward for the weekend. That’s how horrible my anxiety is today.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Jeez this anxiety is giving me IBS. I’ve been going to the toilet like a 3rd time now. Saturday pls come quickly!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So I started feeling better after the weekend. But now some coworkers have started saying their advance goodbyes. One coworker has talked to each of us to bade his farewell. I effin cried when he came to me. Sometimes I wish they just go so their disappearance will be instant and no heartaches . I’ve never been like this with my previous job.
This will be a long month of me being ok and then crying at random times when one is about to leave again.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel so insecure and worthless. Like I’m a liability to my son and husband because I could not be social like other wives.


When he said Maybe if I’m a social person it would be easier for him to connect with other families. Like he won’t feel so guilty attending parties while I’m at home.…. And it would be easier for our son to mingle with other people too.

I know I’m the one who opened this kind of conversation and he was just being honest but it still hurts and the feeling of wanting to live alone is coming back. Like maybe it was better off if I remained single my entire life. I can just live being me and not get pressured from social expectations or obligations. Coz when he said that, my insecurity became more maximized. Like before I’m insecure coz I’m different but it’s fine coz atleast I have family, I have a job and I’m still functioning as part of society. But now after hearing those words I feel like a glitch… like my weakness is a major flaw of a system and I’m weakening the rest of the parts. Like I should have stayed to where I belong- in isolation.

But it means not having to meet my adorable son too.

This is such a conflicting feeling.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a quick update:

First: I got a new job and I’m starting next week.

Second: I wanted to keep my previous job as a casual but the new company has a ‘conflict of interest’ policy which means I have to declare this casual job & they’ll decide if I can keep it or not.

Third: It’s a government company which means better benefits and salary. Contract says I’m permanent part time but probationary period is 12 months.

Fourth: I just learned yesterday that I’m pregnant. I am happy that finally we’re successful but at the same time this is a case of bad timing. Remember I had a deadline for myself, that as soon as I have my birthday then we’ll stop? We’ll that last attempt for a baby finally did it. Lol.

Fifth: But overall I’m happy and it’s too early to celebrate but I’m hoping that my pregnancy becomes successful.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Just a quick update:

First: I got a new job and I’m starting next week.

Second: I wanted to keep my previous job as a casual but the new company has a ‘conflict of interest’ policy which means I have to declare this casual job & they’ll decide if I can keep it or not.

Third: It’s a government company which means better benefits and salary. Contract says I’m permanent part time but probationary period is 12 months.

Fourth: I just learned yesterday that I’m pregnant. I am happy that finally we’re successful but at the same time this is a case of bad timing. Remember I had a deadline for myself, that as soon as I have my birthday then we’ll stop? We’ll that last attempt for a baby finally did it. Lol.

Fifth: But overall I’m happy and it’s too early to celebrate but I’m hoping that my pregnancy becomes successful.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

To the few people who bothers to read my journal post lol, Happy New Year Everyone! I hope you’re doing fine despite this pandemic.

Nothing much to say but pregnancy is doing well so far. I’m 20 weeks now so only a few more months till my due date. I stopped working at my previous job and focused on my new workplace. I’ve told my manager and coworkers about my pregnancy so no other issues.


My only wish is this covid situation to end. It’s getting tiring with all the restrictions and health concerns especially I have to go for my regular appointments. It also takes away the fun of things like with ultrasound appointment, my husband and son can only get inside for the last 15 mins of the appointment (they initially don’t want my son to be there because he’s a 4 yr old unvaccinated. Jeez) . And now, with these 1 support people restriction, we’re worrying what about during my delivery, will they allow my husband to be in the room with my son? We don’t have a close relative to leave our son with. Why is this an issue anyway?

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Update: I gave birth 2 months ago. All is well except now that my anxiety has been triggered. Hence why I am here.

Our family friend told my hubby when they can visit us. My hubby set the date. He told me about the upcoming visit. I did not like it but I said it’s fine thinking he will only invite 2 families - our closest ones. Now, I learned that he’s gonna invite more people. So from a casual visit, it’s now becoming an effin party. Hubby said we’ll treat it as house warming celebration since we have never held one last yr when we moved in our new house.
I made a vain attempt to disagree & say having a party is not a good idea since our baby is only 2 months old & it’s winter & there’s another covid surge, flu & rsv.
He simply said ‘They’ll most likely won’t come if they know they are sick’

This totally ruined my day & the rest of the days before Sunday. I literally cannot eat now because of butterflies in my stomach. Not to mention that I particularly feel less confident These days so I don’t want people to see me. Like I look haggard due to sleepless night plus I gained weight. And now my effin hubby just made it worse for me by inviting like more people.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So the party was not held because my objection was obvious but we proceeded with inviting our close family friends (5 people). It went well. I had some awkward moments with the guests but not something that would make me recurrently think about & leave butterflies in my stomach for days.
I’m thinking maybe it won’t be so bad to have guests again as long as the numbers are limited.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Seeing that my last entry was Aug last yr is a real progress lol. For update, everything is ok in general. But of course, I won’t be here today if I have no rants right?

I’ve started the New Year doing pretty well. I was in control of myself & I’ve been productive. However, as February entered, I’ve started to go downhill again. Nothing really majorly bad happened but like I’m starting to feel disorganized, overwhelmed, bored, stagnant & I’m losing grasp of what time or day it is. Like time is running with me doing things I have to do for my family but I’m left with an icky unsatisfied feeling.

I tried getting comfort from reading books & playing games but it’s only a distraction, it doesn’t solve that icky uncomfortable feeling in me. The cloudy humid weather makes it worse too. Like I wanted to have the energy to be productive, to organize & be in control again but I end up procrastinating & feeling lazy. My schedule is not hectic at all but whenever I have the free time to actually be productive, I wanted to use it to just rest, lie down in bed & waste my time.

I think it all began when I started to go back to work again. I’m only doing part time & I love my job but balancing work, taking care of the kids, adjusting my time with hubby’s work, adjusting my schedule & my moves to take care of kids, having less me time, not having the energy to take care of myself (like basic hygiene, i know it’s eeew but yeah I do it less than i should), it’s draining me. And I should not be coz hubby helps me, hubby asks me if I want to shower while he tends for our kids but I say no because I choose to lie down instead & do nothing… I guess I wanted that time to just be my me time. To not do things at all.

I have to get ready to work… I’ll continue ranting later.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Sigh it’s 2023 but I’m still the same old scaredy me. Anyway, my routine got better now that my baby is older & less clingy. We subscribed to a ready meal delivery service so it lightened my burden from cooking & planning meals. Generally, everything was good.

But I’m here now right, which means something is worrying me again & am about to dump it all here.

You see, my eldest, like a normal kid gained some friends in school. He’s been doing typical social stuff like getting invited to parties, play dates etc. My hubby, of course, is the main person to support him. Now the problem is my hubby decided to invite my kid’s bestfriend at home including the parents whom I’ve never met. I’m pissed that he arranged this meeting without telling me & I don’t understand why they can’t just meet at the park or play centre nearby.
Now I told my hubby that I’m going out that day as well. I’ll bring our baby with me so he can focus entertaining them at home.
He argued that I wasn’t supporting him & my sudden plan is insulting. Even saying that he accepts me as I am but also guilt tripping me that I’m the reason why he could not invite his friends to our house even if they’ve been bantering him about it. It just made me feel more miserable being me.

So I responded by saying I’m already supporting him by cleaning the house & agreeing to his plan but if he also wanted my support by being present on that day & embarrassing myself red faced & awkward to those visitors then Fine!

I know I’m being irrational because it’s just a short visit. But these people are from different cultural background so it will be 10x more triggering my anxiety. I can just imagine me getting red the rest of their visit and me revealing how socially awkward I am (yes it happened before & I was teased about it).

My feeling right now is a mix of guilt that I’m being unfair & selfish,

At the same time I’m pissed that he was also being inconsiderate.

I am so tempted to tell him that I’m losing sleep because of this, that it will affect my mood, my appetite for the rest of the week until saturday & maybe another week after because I’ll be pondering & having butterflies in my stomach for reliving all the awkwardness & embarrassment I’ll be doing that day. But nah I’m not gonna tell those to him because I don’t want to be more toxic than my already toxic self.

It must suck to have a spouse like me.

 

[SoScared]

Seems to be a lotta self hate and avoidance at the mo. Any anxiety reduction or better coping strategies work going on

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

After my rant and sleepless night, I decided to just suck it up & go on with hubby’s plan. I kept reminding myself that it was mainly for my son meeting his friend & not about the parents.
Surprisingly, it went fine. Better than I expected. I think it helped that the couple were easy to talk with. The kids had a really fun day too. I felt relieved after this like I survived a frikkin challenge.

Now my 2nd child’s 1st birthday is coming up. Me & hubby decided not to throw a party at all. We will go out and celebrate as a family. Practicality wise, I totally agree. He won’t really remember it nor appreciate it. A 1 yr old party will be more for adults than for the child.

I can’t help but feel a little guilty since we held a birthday party for our eldest on his 1st birthday. We were a new parent & that party was more for social expectation & also like a trial run for us. Although we did appreciate the guests & celebration, we both agreed that we could have skipped that party.

I am worried that people will judge us & think we’re taking our second child for granted when we as a parent think that this time we’ll be properly celebrating our son’s 1 yr old by making it a very mutual family celebration. Sigh it’s hard when the people around you are into parties & stuff.

Another guilt I’m having is that now that our eldest is old enough to enjoy parties & he has his own circle of friends, we are now seriously considering holding a party for him (as per his request too). This time we will invite his friends & not just people that we know. I feel guilty because people might think we have favouritism.

Maybe we should stop minding what other people think. Still can’t help that I’m having those guilty feelings especially for our 2nd child.