The whatever journal (part 2)


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Hi, you may not remember me but I used to be very active in this site. I started the 'whatever journal' thread when I was in College and finished it after I got married. Now that I'm a mum, I decided to make another part 2 journal thread so I can collect all my thoughts in this new SA journey. I prolly wont be as active as before but I think it will help me to use this thread again as my personal therapy for my SA struggles.

Obviously I'm in my low mood again which is the main reason why I'm back here.

Anyway, my son just recently celebrated his 1st birthday party. The main host is my husband. I am so relieved that the party's over but I still have my post party anxiety mood. I feel a mixture of crappiness, self pity, frustration and... I can't explain it but I feel guilty like butterflies in my stomach has been going on after the party. *sigh*

I'm telling myself I'm overthinking and there's no sense dwelling about the party. Afterall, it wasn't so bad and I kept telling myself that I wasnt the one who organized it. But as a parent I felt like I should be responsible as well. I think I am more worried about what people thought about me....

Son's awake. I'll continue later


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I'm not very organized in expressing my thoughts so I'll randomly write it down.

- The majority of the guest are my husband's friends. TBH all of them are from my husband's social network and I only became acquainted to them because of him. So that party only reminds me of my Social incompetency *sigh*

- I did try to mingle with the guests but the majority of time I sat at the corner with the people I'm most comfortable with. It was a buffet party at the hotel and my husband forgot to get drinks. One of the guest initiated serving drinks and I seriously felt like crap, that I should have thought of doing it. I should be helping my husband but I'm too focused on my comfort to be even aware of properly hosting guests.

- My son loves playing with kids, strangers likes playing with him and he gives a shy smile but he doesn't like to be held by people whom he doesnt see often. I believe this is normal for some kids and it doesnt automatically make my son socially doomed like me. However, I feel like people are secretly blaming me when my son shy away to people. One of the guest even told my son "Oh you shouldnt be shy like your mum. You should be like your thick skinned daddy". I just smiled but TBH it hurts even if it's true. I'm afraid people will give him too much pressure to become like his dad. For me, I want him to grow up confident in his own pace. Afterall, my husband said he was a very shy guy up until in College. I take my son to play activities and his grandma takes him outdoors and mingle with local neighbor and kids everyday.

- I feel really fake and awkward during greetings and goodbyes. Saying hello & how are you's and goodbye are no problem but husband and MIL and most of the people I see, shakes hand, hugs or kisses cheeks when doing it. I really really dread doing it. It's weird how my hubby and MIL initiates those actions and I'm there giving my lame Hello/ Goodbye. The only time I hug or shakes hand is when it's the other person who initiates it. I couldnt for the life of me do those things voluntarily. And that makes me feel crappier.

- I really hate parties not only because of the people but because I will feel the same inferiority & shts after. If it's just me, I'm contented with being a bit of a social outcast as long as I'm with the people whom i matter most. But then party slaps me the reality of my social weakness. If there's only no need for me to host parties then I wouldnt feel so sht like this. *sigh*


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Hello hello! So I'm back with yet another rant or issue lol.

This time it's about my opinion about parent's responsibilities to their kids. I hate it when it comes to rearing children, people seems to always point fingers to the mum. They seem to forget that there is also a dad. I'm not expecting total equality. I just want people to realize that a child is not only a mother's responsibility.

So why am I mentioning this? It's not really about me but about my hubby's sister in law.

Just to give a background, the wife is a country girl who came from a big family of 10 siblings. They're poor, didnt finish highschool and worked as a maid. She's very quiet and soft spoken.

Hubby's brother is unemployed and known to be quite immature and entirely dependent to their parents.

Now, the sister in Law (SIL) just gave birth and now lives with my husband's parents.

Although my hubby's family is generally nice to the SIL, there are times that she's being discriminated based from my hubby's stories. He said that SIL is sometimes snobbed by hubby's grandma because she's just a maid. Hubby defended SIL though and reminded his grandma not to look down on SIL because basically my hubby's mum (MIL) also worked as a maid overseas.

If you remember from my previous posts, I mentioned before that MIL has a tactless mouth and her joke can be quite offensive. Now MIL sometimes jokes SIL that she can return to their home because she eats too much. My hubby asked MIL if SIL doesnt get hurt with that joke but MIL just laughs it off and says SIL is used to her.

MIL helps SIL and hubby's brother in caring for the baby. But recently, there is an issue that SIL seems to leave most of the responsibility to MIL.

Now I heard hubby talk to his dad about the issue. He asked if SIL also cares for the baby, the dad said yes but she still does things that MIL doesnt agree about. It:s like the topic was focused on SIL's doing or not doing. So I couldnt help but say something and whispered to hubby "How about your brother, is he also helping?"

So after hubby and his dad talked, hubby suddenly got upset and said that he was offended with my question. He took it personally and asked if I think he is biased. I told him no, I just wanted to remind them that his brother is there to share the responsibility. That's it.



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TBH I have great sympathy for the SIL. Maybe because I kinda relate to her. Based from what I hear, SIL mostly stays in the bedroom and acts very timid. She cares for her baby but they said she lacks effort.

I'm not giving any excuse for SIL but it's so easy to misjudge timidity to laziness. Maybe she doesnt feel comfortable in that house. Maybe the lack of effort for her baby is because she's intimidated with MIL and uncomfortable in making decision.

There is also another issue that they havent' elaborated yet but according to hubby's stories SIL sometimes threatens MIL that she's returning home with the baby. And that makes MIL get upset. I dont know what triggers SIL to say those things but clearly, there is some conflict on their relationship. I wont be surprised if SIL said those things because of MIL's offensive joke or tactless attitude lol.

Another point is, let's just say that SIL is an incompetent mum. It doesnt make sense that they only focus on SIL's fault because MIL's son also lacks effort. Like spending too much playing games on the computer lol.

It's funny when I somwtimes hear MIL rant to hubby about SIL and then hubby would say 'What about my brother, why not share the responsibility with him also. He doesnt have a job. He can take care of the baby too". And MIL seems to not speak too much about that. She just says that his brother is too immature and they cant really expect much from him. Lol

To be fair with the brother, he does the cooking sometimes and also tends with the baby. It sounds like he is not doing much as well and yet they dont criticize him as much as SIL's lacking.
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My hubby is starting to get homesick. He's been overseas for more than 3 years now and haven't gone back to our home country since then. I understand him because it's almost Christmas season and he prolly miss celebrating it with his family. Moreover, he doesnt have close friends here.

I know I'm selfish to say this but I'm getting affected with his longing. I couldnt help but take it personally. Like is he not happy enough with just me and our son? Is he not mature enough to accept that sometimes as we grow old and have our own family, we settle and live in other places?Does he prefer living back there with the comfort of his family than think about our better future here especially for our son?

Yes maybe I am selfish because in my case, my parent is working overseas and my siblings have their own family so there's really no 'family get togetherness' to expect to. I miss them and we group videocall with my dad and siblings every now and then and we are perfectly ok with that. The only time I wanted to go back home is when dad is on leave coz that's the only time we can bond together as family.

Anyway, I asked him if he wants to take a break and travel to our home country. He said he doesnt want to without me and our son. But it is not practical to do it now. I dont want to travel yet with our son this young. Plus we have an upcoming 1 week vacation and I dont want to spend more for another vacation soon.