The whatever journal (part 2)

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Hi, you may not remember me but I used to be very active in this site. I started the 'whatever journal' thread when I was in College and finished it after I got married. Now that I'm a mum, I decided to make another part 2 journal thread so I can collect all my thoughts in this new SA journey. I prolly wont be as active as before but I think it will help me to use this thread again as my personal therapy for my SA struggles.

Obviously I'm in my low mood again which is the main reason why I'm back here.

Anyway, my son just recently celebrated his 1st birthday party. The main host is my husband. I am so relieved that the party's over but I still have my post party anxiety mood. I feel a mixture of crappiness, self pity, frustration and... I can't explain it but I feel guilty like butterflies in my stomach has been going on after the party. *sigh*

I'm telling myself I'm overthinking and there's no sense dwelling about the party. Afterall, it wasn't so bad and I kept telling myself that I wasnt the one who organized it. But as a parent I felt like I should be responsible as well. I think I am more worried about what people thought about me....

Pause:
Son's awake. I'll continue later
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Continuation:

I'm not very organized in expressing my thoughts so I'll randomly write it down.

- The majority of the guest are my husband's friends. TBH all of them are from my husband's social network and I only became acquainted to them because of him. So that party only reminds me of my Social incompetency *sigh*

- I did try to mingle with the guests but the majority of time I sat at the corner with the people I'm most comfortable with. It was a buffet party at the hotel and my husband forgot to get drinks. One of the guest initiated serving drinks and I seriously felt like crap, that I should have thought of doing it. I should be helping my husband but I'm too focused on my comfort to be even aware of properly hosting guests.

- My son loves playing with kids, strangers likes playing with him and he gives a shy smile but he doesn't like to be held by people whom he doesnt see often. I believe this is normal for some kids and it doesnt automatically make my son socially doomed like me. However, I feel like people are secretly blaming me when my son shy away to people. One of the guest even told my son "Oh you shouldnt be shy like your mum. You should be like your thick skinned daddy". I just smiled but TBH it hurts even if it's true. I'm afraid people will give him too much pressure to become like his dad. For me, I want him to grow up confident in his own pace. Afterall, my husband said he was a very shy guy up until in College. I take my son to play activities and his grandma takes him outdoors and mingle with local neighbor and kids everyday.

- I feel really fake and awkward during greetings and goodbyes. Saying hello & how are you's and goodbye are no problem but husband and MIL and most of the people I see, shakes hand, hugs or kisses cheeks when doing it. I really really dread doing it. It's weird how my hubby and MIL initiates those actions and I'm there giving my lame Hello/ Goodbye. The only time I hug or shakes hand is when it's the other person who initiates it. I couldnt for the life of me do those things voluntarily. And that makes me feel crappier.

- I really hate parties not only because of the people but because I will feel the same inferiority & shts after. If it's just me, I'm contented with being a bit of a social outcast as long as I'm with the people whom i matter most. But then party slaps me the reality of my social weakness. If there's only no need for me to host parties then I wouldnt feel so sht like this. *sigh*
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Hello hello! So I'm back with yet another rant or issue lol.

This time it's about my opinion about parent's responsibilities to their kids. I hate it when it comes to rearing children, people seems to always point fingers to the mum. They seem to forget that there is also a dad. I'm not expecting total equality. I just want people to realize that a child is not only a mother's responsibility.

So why am I mentioning this? It's not really about me but about my hubby's sister in law.

Just to give a background, the wife is a country girl who came from a big family of 10 siblings. They're poor, didnt finish highschool and worked as a maid. She's very quiet and soft spoken.

Hubby's brother is unemployed and known to be quite immature and entirely dependent to their parents.

Now, the sister in Law (SIL) just gave birth and now lives with my husband's parents.

Although my hubby's family is generally nice to the SIL, there are times that she's being discriminated based from my hubby's stories. He said that SIL is sometimes snobbed by hubby's grandma because she's just a maid. Hubby defended SIL though and reminded his grandma not to look down on SIL because basically my hubby's mum (MIL) also worked as a maid overseas.

If you remember from my previous posts, I mentioned before that MIL has a tactless mouth and her joke can be quite offensive. Now MIL sometimes jokes SIL that she can return to their home because she eats too much. My hubby asked MIL if SIL doesnt get hurt with that joke but MIL just laughs it off and says SIL is used to her.

MIL helps SIL and hubby's brother in caring for the baby. But recently, there is an issue that SIL seems to leave most of the responsibility to MIL.

Now I heard hubby talk to his dad about the issue. He asked if SIL also cares for the baby, the dad said yes but she still does things that MIL doesnt agree about. It:s like the topic was focused on SIL's doing or not doing. So I couldnt help but say something and whispered to hubby "How about your brother, is he also helping?"

So after hubby and his dad talked, hubby suddenly got upset and said that he was offended with my question. He took it personally and asked if I think he is biased. I told him no, I just wanted to remind them that his brother is there to share the responsibility. That's it.




.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
TBH I have great sympathy for the SIL. Maybe because I kinda relate to her. Based from what I hear, SIL mostly stays in the bedroom and acts very timid. She cares for her baby but they said she lacks effort.

I'm not giving any excuse for SIL but it's so easy to misjudge timidity to laziness. Maybe she doesnt feel comfortable in that house. Maybe the lack of effort for her baby is because she's intimidated with MIL and uncomfortable in making decision.

There is also another issue that they havent' elaborated yet but according to hubby's stories SIL sometimes threatens MIL that she's returning home with the baby. And that makes MIL get upset. I dont know what triggers SIL to say those things but clearly, there is some conflict on their relationship. I wont be surprised if SIL said those things because of MIL's offensive joke or tactless attitude lol.

Another point is, let's just say that SIL is an incompetent mum. It doesnt make sense that they only focus on SIL's fault because MIL's son also lacks effort. Like spending too much playing games on the computer lol.

It's funny when I somwtimes hear MIL rant to hubby about SIL and then hubby would say 'What about my brother, why not share the responsibility with him also. He doesnt have a job. He can take care of the baby too". And MIL seems to not speak too much about that. She just says that his brother is too immature and they cant really expect much from him. Lol

To be fair with the brother, he does the cooking sometimes and also tends with the baby. It sounds like he is not doing much as well and yet they dont criticize him as much as SIL's lacking.
 
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w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
My hubby is starting to get homesick. He's been overseas for more than 3 years now and haven't gone back to our home country since then. I understand him because it's almost Christmas season and he prolly miss celebrating it with his family. Moreover, he doesnt have close friends here.

I know I'm selfish to say this but I'm getting affected with his longing. I couldnt help but take it personally. Like is he not happy enough with just me and our son? Is he not mature enough to accept that sometimes as we grow old and have our own family, we settle and live in other places?Does he prefer living back there with the comfort of his family than think about our better future here especially for our son?

Yes maybe I am selfish because in my case, my parent is working overseas and my siblings have their own family so there's really no 'family get togetherness' to expect to. I miss them and we group videocall with my dad and siblings every now and then and we are perfectly ok with that. The only time I wanted to go back home is when dad is on leave coz that's the only time we can bond together as family.

Anyway, I asked him if he wants to take a break and travel to our home country. He said he doesnt want to without me and our son. But it is not practical to do it now. I dont want to travel yet with our son this young. Plus we have an upcoming 1 week vacation and I dont want to spend more for another vacation soon.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
I think I am having some depressed episodes again. It’s not obvious from the outside and I am still functioning like doing the usual stuff and routine in life. However, it’s been a week and I could not relieve this feeling of anxiety. Like everytime I wake up I feel anxious for no reason at all. Like there’s something wrong when there is none. What makes it worse is that I am forced to ignore this feeling to get by. If it’s up to me, I want to go to a quiet place without people and responsibility so I can properly recharge myself.

I don’t feel like cooking, going to work, doing the laundry, even tending my son but I still do these things because I have to. My depressed signs are subtle but I’ve been eating a lot to the extent that I sometimes feel sick, I’ve been binge using my phone to entertain myself, I’ve been sleeping for only 4 to 6 hours, I dont put effort with combing my hair or brushing my teeth and washing my face.... I just feel so tired and I wanna lay down all the time.

This feeling started last Sunday when my hubby asked me to watch his games with our son. I eventually forced myself to do it and went to sports gym. I have mostly done it for the benefit of our son whom i dont want to be stuck all day at home.

I dont know what happened because I have done alright. Despite my anxiety, I managed to interact pretty fine with my hubby’s mates and their families. But after that, the anxiety haven’t gone. I feel crap and fake just because I tried to go out of my comfort zone.

I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. Right now I am on the way to work and I still feel crap and I’ll feel crappier coz I have to pretend and act fine... then the cycle continues with me feeling more exhausted.

Oh well... ranting here kinda helped unburden my feelings
 
I think I am having some depressed episodes again. It’s not obvious from the outside and I am still functioning like doing the usual stuff and routine in life. However, it’s been a week and I could not relieve this feeling of anxiety. Like everytime I wake up I feel anxious for no reason at all. Like there’s something wrong when there is none. What makes it worse is that I am forced to ignore this feeling to get by. If it’s up to me, I want to go to a quiet place without people and responsibility so I can properly recharge myself.

I don’t feel like cooking, going to work, doing the laundry, even tending my son but I still do these things because I have to. My depressed signs are subtle but I’ve been eating a lot to the extent that I sometimes feel sick, I’ve been binge using my phone to entertain myself, I’ve been sleeping for only 4 to 6 hours, I dont put effort with combing my hair or brushing my teeth and washing my face.... I just feel so tired and I wanna lay down all the time.

This feeling started last Sunday when my hubby asked me to watch his games with our son. I eventually forced myself to do it and went to sports gym. I have mostly done it for the benefit of our son whom i dont want to be stuck all day at home.

I dont know what happened because I have done alright. Despite my anxiety, I managed to interact pretty fine with my hubby’s mates and their families. But after that, the anxiety haven’t gone. I feel crap and fake just because I tried to go out of my comfort zone.

I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. Right now I am on the way to work and I still feel crap and I’ll feel crappier coz I have to pretend and act fine... then the cycle continues with me feeling more exhausted.

Oh well... ranting here kinda helped unburden my feelings
I feel for you. I've had similar feelings to you, I can really relate. It's tough when things are like this. Maybe you could go see your doctor and tell him about it? It's so much worse when you feel you can't confide in anyone about how you're feeling.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
On the day I was beginning to recover from my depressed mood is also the day I learned that my father is diagnosed with cancer. Now I’m sinking back worse than before. My dad is still young. We’re continents away from each other. I haven’t seen him from a long time. I’m now thinking how many days I am starting to lose with him. I am wondering if he’ll ever meet his grandson. I just want to stop work, go to him with my hubby and son and hug him again and pat his belly like I used to. I want to preserve every memory that I can. I am waking up these days with a big sinking feeling in my heart and my gut.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Guess what? I’m feeling down again that’s why I am here. A lot of things have happened since then and it’s mostly positive things. First, I got a new job apart from my current job. It’s the job that I really wanted to have and fits my personality.
Second, we’re building our own house pretty soon. I am excited.

Now you may wonder what I am so stressed about. Well, these things are taking a lot of my ‘me’ time. My anxiety has been nonstop since the beginning of the year. It’s about everything.

About the house, I had to make several appointments, I have to take phone calls, I have to do lots of research just to make sure we know what we’re doing. I’m just glad that email is there as my communication preference. Fitting in appointments with my already busy schedule.

About the job, I had sleepless nights of anticipating for the interview, asking for references and waiting for progress of the interview. I got the job and now I’m adjusting really early in the morning (I’m never a morning person), meeting new people, learning tons of things about the job, having to force myself ask questions to not screw up in my shift, feeling the pressure of this fast paced job , feeling like disappointed every after shift because I’m paranoid and overthinker like that. I haven’t balanced my time these days so I’ve been working like 6 days a week and for that one free day I still have to go to house appointments.

im just glad my MIL is here. I know I said crappy things about her here but she’s actually a very helpful person. She is not overbearing in person as she is when we talk to her on the phone.

I may sound like a whiner and I definitely doesnt want to lose all these opportunities but I just want to release my stress here. I am not a normal person and adulting stuff does stress me and trigger my anxiety especially my social anxiety.

another crappy thing is I have gained weight so I also look crappier on my standards and I dont have the motivation and energy to exercise. Im actually binge eating these days to comfort myself. Like seriously eating potato chips and puking afterwards coz of guilt. Ordering Uber eats to buy milk tea and pizza and sometimes snacking at 2 am.

Hopefully I get to manage my time better next month. And oh I’m also stressing about sending my son to childcare soon when MIL returns home in May.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
My frequent posting says it all. I’m not ok. I thought I was fine yesterday at work. It was pretty busy. I did alright. But at the end of the day my social anxiety gave me that uncomfortable feeling again. I can’t explain it properly but I always have this pressure to ‘react’ or ‘make small talk’ and I sometimes speak and try to be friendly but my voice is thin, like they always ask me to repeat what I’ve said then the conversation gets awkward. If I try to speak louder I sound ‘angry’ or ‘unfriendly’ but it’s my natural monotone voice. If I try to sound ‘sweet’ I feel cringey like I’m pretending to talk to a child. And then I hear comments about me being too quiet. It bothers me because afaik I always speak when necessary. I ask questions and communicate information required for my job.

That pressure to act and talk like the common people is what makes me stress so much. It doesn’t show much at work but the awkwardness is there during staff breaks or when it isn’t too busy and they are chatting with each other. It’s those simple things that I feel different or alienated. Personally I dont care much about being me. My anxiety only gets triggered when I’m around people in a social and quite intimate situation.



This pressure, this social expectation, is what always give me this feeling of not doing enough. Maybe it’s worse because I overthink and I am too conscious of what people say about me. But I can’t help being me. There’s always an internal conflict inside me. I’m feeling anxious at the same time I try to comfort myself.
 
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w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
My confidence at my new job is getting a bit better. It helps that people here are very helpful and approachable.

Having said that, my anxiety still kicks in every start of the shift and even the night before. It is still that bad.

The positive thing is that I am getting more comfortable with some of my colleagues. I had a normal less awkward conversation which is a bit of a progress.

It’s becoming a routine that every morning I stay in the toilet because the butterflies in my stomach is literally affecting my bowels lol.

My schedule is still jam packed. I can’t wait to return to ‘normality’.
 
Keep at it mate. In my experience it's best to prove yourself as a good worker by staying focused and doing a good job first. If people know you're a good worker, you'll gain some respect in that sense. Having respect is a major foothold in the workplace. After that you can slowly build workplace relations.
Anyway, here's something to take your mind off it;

 
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