The whatever journal (part 2)

[w*n*c*a*m]

These days my anxiety is like a roller coaster with its high and lows. Yesterday, I was very awkward again at my 2nd job. A coworker actually acknowledged how quiet I am and so I started blabbering about me being naturally quiet and that I’m bad with small talk blah blah blah blah. That coworker is a really nice lady though and I never hesitate asking for help. She’s very patient with me. But it’s really hard for me to connect with people. I am that awkward. It’s hard for me to have a conversation going. This ‘social interaction/expectation’ at work is stressing me more these days than the actual job. I hope people stop telling me I am quiet. I already know I am. It’s like telling a loud person constantly that he/she is loud. *sigh*

Today I have a shift at my first job and I’m actually looking forward to it. These days my 1st job is becoming an anxiety reliever. Lol it’s weird how I used to dislike how that job is so ‘emotionally exhausting’. But now that social environment is becoming my therapy lol.

I remember how I used to think my 2nd job will be my comfort from that 1st job. Work wise, it is still more ‘thing focused’ than people focused but my being a ‘recluse’ seems more obvious there and I’m not surprised if they are talking about me at work. They are such happy people and that makes me stood out as different. For an average, healthy minded individual, my workplace is a bliss.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I’m tired having this same emotion over and over again. You can tell how frequent I’m posting here these days. I don’t want the pressure of having to fit in with people.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So yesterday while my hubby is driving me to work, I told him about how I feel left out and socially awkward in my 2nd job and how I feel more comfortable and normal in my 1st job.

He said, if that’s the case then do something about it because people won’t always adjust on me...but don’t bring it to a point when I will exceed so much effort to fit in. He said I am more comfortable in my 1st job because I’ve been there so long and I have developed rapport with my colleagues. He also said my 2nd job colleagues will eventually get used to my personality. He reminded me how I’ve been awkward in my 1st job and now I’m handling myself better with them.

It feels good sharing all these things to hubby and getting advice from him. I know I’m not that open to him about my social anxiety but this issue is bothering me so much these days that sharing in this thread is not enough.

On the positive side, yesterday’s shift at my 1st job was really good (as expected). We finished early and had extra time to have fun like practicing for Tiktok (not my idea) LOL.

How I wish I can have this same interaction in my 2nd job. But it will be difficult in that work environment to build rapport with them. Until then, that staff room will always be the bane of my anxiety.

Compared to my 1st job which is a highly social environment, so I’m forced to interact closely with people which helped me develop relationship with them. Although my SA hinders me to get really close and create friendship atleast our interaction is friendly, relaxed, some teasing and funny banter here and there... like... I belong.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Finally finished my 3 days shifts to that second job this week. Today is my shift at my first job— Just in time to recuperate from my stress to that 2nd job.

I’m tired to give details on how miserable I feel in that 2nd job. Basically, I feel the same way everytime I meet the same colleagues I have issues with. Like my supervisor complimented me about my performance at work... then at breaktime this colleague told me ‘You did a good job.’ I said ‘Thank you’. Then she said ‘Do you feel good about it?’ I find the question weird because why would I not feel good about it right? So I gave her a confused look while replying ‘Yes?’ ... And she pretended talking to herself saying ‘Oh c’mon of course she did well. Don’t give her a hard time’ — like she’s supposed to be joking. But then in my I’m like is she trying to make me doubtful about myself? It somehow reminds me of that Mean Girls scene when Regina said ‘You’re pretty’ and the girl said ‘Thank you’ and Regina responded ‘Oh so you think you’re pretty’ .... such an uncomfortable question.

And then yesterday, another colleague (who’s friend with that colleague I mentioned above) said the same thing to me and I’m like ‘Thank you’ pretending not to be weirded out this time.
And it feels like she’s indirectly throwing shades at me when one male colleague asked another female colleague ‘Are you ok?’ And then she said ‘You’re asking the wrong person man’ and both of the female colleagues giggled like they both understand an inside joke. The girl even responded ‘I’m fantastic!!’ Then laughed again.
These subtle things can ruin my day and I cannot react to these things because they can always pretend that these inside jokes has nothing to do with me and I’m just being sensitive.

I’m just waiting for that perfect timing to get even to these people. Something that I can be sure of that they’re attacking me and I’m not just being paranoid.

On the positive side, There is one female colleague that I’m starting to get along with. We walked to the bus together and we had a nice and fun chat. You know like something I only do at my first job

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

This constant stress these days is affecting my health. I’m having palpitations now.

 

[SoScared]

Wonder if you have any therapy options away from the work place(s) or home?

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Wonder if you have any therapy options away from the work place(s) or home?

Probably but I still refuse to seek any professional help mostly due to finances.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Hi I’m back. Amazing how it’s been months since I last posted here.
For update, I quit my first job and I’m now permanent in the second job.
Obviously I’m not ok hence I’m here.
It’s that time again when I feel generally down and anxious and unmotivated. The trigger has something to do with my petty mistakes at work which an average person wont really mind much. I keep telling myself I’m not perfect and it wasnt a big deal but it is a big deal for me.
During meetings, the supervisor frequently compliments me. I appreciate it but I rather not be in the spotlight. I can sense some of my colleagues disliking that I seem to be in favor of our supervisor. I can see their subtle eye gestures. And because of that, my simple mistakes seems to become more a of a big deal to them like I feel they love criticizing me with those simple mistakes. I feel like they think I believe so highly of my skills because I always say Thank You to my supervisor’s compliment but really I only say it out of politeness.
I can’t change peoples mind, what I need to change is my attitude towards it. I have to stop being too sensitive and toughen up. But it is easy to say than do.
I even behave dumb than what I really am just so stay away from added responsibility or to feed my colleague’s ego. I dont care. I just dont want to be seen arrogant or proud. I think it’s going against me because I feel like our supervisor is baby-ing me hence the compliment and encouragement. And colleague might be thinking I’m a suck up or something.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So yesterday at work, I actually did something embarrassingly stupid. I did say I dont mind if they think I’m dumb or inferior to them but to actually do something stupid hurts my ego. I pretended to laugh about it but deep inside I was so frustrated with myself. I’m just glad that the team leader that time was a nice guy and responded cool about it. I didnt see or feel any judgement from him.
But I didnt get a good sleep last night. All my previous petty mistakes topped with this one embarrassing mistake made me feel like I’m a total idiot and it bothers me sooo much.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

So yesterday at work, I actually did something embarrassingly stupid. I did say I dont mind if they think I’m dumb or inferior to them but to actually do something stupid hurts my ego. I pretended to laugh about it but deep inside I was so frustrated with myself. I’m just glad that the team leader that time was a nice guy and responded cool about it. I didnt see or feel any judgement from him.
But I didnt get a good sleep last night. All my previous petty mistakes topped with this one embarrassing mistake made me feel like I’m a total idiot and it bothers me sooo much.

What happened?

I've done it all so don't worry.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

What happened?

I've done it all so don't worry.

I dont want to be too specific in case someone I know reads this post. But that mistake is a common sense issue. It did not make any damage or anything but it caused water to pool on those stuff. It was an easy fix as spilling the water out but it was still an embarrassing mistake. I was in auto mode while working that time and I basically missed to take those things into consideration. It was still a petty one but also a very stupid one like it made me a confirmed dumb idiot 100 percent. Ugh. Working there for nearly a year, I should have known better. I didnt need extra training just to know that anything without holes will make water to collect inside. But I was careless so I’ve done it anyway.

The weekends off helped me relaxed so I am feeling better now. I forgive myself. Like my usual motto ‘I’ll do better next time’. It’s annoying how I seem to tell it to myself almost everyday.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So today is my mom’s death anniversary. I didn’t know until my sister reminded me. She posted a message commemorating our late mother. She died when I was still 9 so it’s been a long time. Everytime my mom’s name is mentioned, people remember her as a kind hearted person and well loved by our neighbours. I remember her as being a conservative and religious mother.
But I guess you can tell from my tone that I’m not totally in favor of my mom. To be honest, the majority of things I remember about my mom is how she was physically abusive when I was a kid. I was an opinionated kid back then so I was the main target of abuse. I was hit with hanger, slippers and even a wooden stick to the extent that I was badly bruised and my grandmother threatened to call the police if she did it again. The more I mature, the more my resentment towards her grows because I started to learn that I did not deserve those things, that it wasn’t acceptable and it wasn’t ‘just’ discipline but abuse. I partly blame her for being like this — a person scared of mistakes, timid and submissive.
Seeing my sister’s post, I couldnt help but roll my eyes because I don’t share the same memories of having a ‘kind’ mom. She wasn’t evil but I don’t see her as a role model. Indirectly she’s my inspiration... my inspiration for not being that kind of mother.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel totally pressured at work these days. Our manager is assigning me leadership role which I really really hate. I do not want to lead because I still feel like I’m not competent enough for that role.
Today is really bad because I’m working with 2 newbies, 1 student and 1 older staff but it’s her first time to do a specific task.
In short they all ask me. I have my own task as well but I have to be interrupted frequently and I have to teach and guide them about almost everything. And then there’s phone calls that I have to answer as well. And because I dont know what I was doing, I did some mistakes that got someone angry and made the manager tell me off in return.
So there’s the pressure of managing these people and the pressure from being told off. I was close to tears earlier but I held it off.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So I end up crying. It started with one coworker asking if I’m ok. I was stupid to answer honestly and say ‘No’. So she comforted me. I felt like crying but I tried to be tough. Then that coworker told our manager. So the manager reassured me as well. I could not respond back because I am so close to tears. But she was quite pushy asking about my feelings so I started crying. I am grateful of her concern but I felt more terrible because now I feel like a crybaby. I hate crying at work. And that triggered my emotion the rest of the shift. I kept silent because every little thing would make me feel teary.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Obviously I am not ok. Yesterday I was like a robot at work doing things in a slow and calculating manner. My self esteem took a dip coz of yesterday’s happening. Today is not helping. It’s my off but hubby recently invited guests to our house. Now I am effin obliged to prepare food and entertain them which I really don’t want to do right now. I am so tempted to lie to hubby and say I have on call job so I can get out of this house and just go somewhere quiet and enjoy solitude.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So Thurday went just fine but my anxiety is now focused on work. Since I got assigned for leadership task, I’ve been having anxiety for a possibility of being assigned as leader again. I hate it. I’ve been so happy doing my own thing as a regular member of the team. I never wanted a leadership position.
Now I’m partly considering changing to another company just to avoid this stress.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I’m in depressive state these days. I really want to improve myself, move more, eat healthier, sleep well but everytime I try I get stuck with the same routine of lying down all day and being dormant. I only get up to cook, feed my son and go to work. My days pass with my lingering frustration of wasting my time doing routine stuff. I want to read books, play some games, learn something new, exercise outdoors, plant etc but I have no motivation. My energy only comes out occasionally but something will happen to disappoint me or I’ll feel lazy and I’ll get back to my sedentary lifestyle.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

It must be too early to tell but I might be pregnant with our second child. We’ve been trying since the start of the year so I am totally aware of my cycle. Anyway, I am excited and anxious at the same time but I am more anxious right now.

You see, my mind is already pondering about the future, specifically about how we’re gonna celebrate our 2nd child’s 1st birthday. It is taking me back the time when we held a party to our son’s 1st year and I end up in a quite low emotional state (which I also mentioned in this journal thread). I don’t want to feel that again. And this makes me feel bad because it sounds selfish. I will not deprive my 2nd child a party but I’m already worrying how to celebrate his/her birthday and whom to invite.
I’m so petty right? But my SA gets stressed to things like this.
You know what sucks more? That I kinda wish we will be on lockdown in that year so I have an excuse not to hold a party for our 2nd child. I know that sounds really terrible and selfish of me,right? Considering that covid is no joke.
How I wish our family is here so that we can celebrate it on our own. We only have to invite really close friends here (which is like only 4 people).
Oh well, maybe I’m worrying for nothing here since it’s not confirmed that I’m pregnant yet. But I really wish that I am.
I always get jealous seeing families with 2 kids. I want my son to have a sibling. If we’re rich, I would like 3 kids.

 

[SoScared]

Waiting for the confirmation..

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Waiting for the confirmation..

Just did the test. Negative. My emotion is a mixed feeling of relief because I have to stop thinking about the ‘future’ for now, and disappointed because I really want another child. It’s possible that period is just delayed or I took the test too early. I’ll update here.