The whatever journal (part 2)

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
#41
These days my anxiety is like a roller coaster with its high and lows. Yesterday, I was very awkward again at my 2nd job. A coworker actually acknowledged how quiet I am and so I started blabbering about me being naturally quiet and that I’m bad with small talk blah blah blah blah. That coworker is a really nice lady though and I never hesitate asking for help. She’s very patient with me. But it’s really hard for me to connect with people. I am that awkward. It’s hard for me to have a conversation going. This ‘social interaction/expectation’ at work is stressing me more these days than the actual job. I hope people stop telling me I am quiet. I already know I am. It’s like telling a loud person constantly that he/she is loud. *sigh*

Today I have a shift at my first job and I’m actually looking forward to it. These days my 1st job is becoming an anxiety reliever. Lol it’s weird how I used to dislike how that job is so ‘emotionally exhausting’. But now that social environment is becoming my therapy lol.

I remember how I used to think my 2nd job will be my comfort from that 1st job. Work wise, it is still more ‘thing focused’ than people focused but my being a ‘recluse’ seems more obvious there and I’m not surprised if they are talking about me at work. They are such happy people and that makes me stood out as different. For an average, healthy minded individual, my workplace is a bliss.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
#43
So yesterday while my hubby is driving me to work, I told him about how I feel left out and socially awkward in my 2nd job and how I feel more comfortable and normal in my 1st job.

He said, if that’s the case then do something about it because people won’t always adjust on me...but don’t bring it to a point when I will exceed so much effort to fit in. He said I am more comfortable in my 1st job because I’ve been there so long and I have developed rapport with my colleagues. He also said my 2nd job colleagues will eventually get used to my personality. He reminded me how I’ve been awkward in my 1st job and now I’m handling myself better with them.

It feels good sharing all these things to hubby and getting advice from him. I know I’m not that open to him about my social anxiety but this issue is bothering me so much these days that sharing in this thread is not enough.

On the positive side, yesterday’s shift at my 1st job was really good (as expected). We finished early and had extra time to have fun like practicing for Tiktok (not my idea) LOL.

How I wish I can have this same interaction in my 2nd job. But it will be difficult in that work environment to build rapport with them. Until then, that staff room will always be the bane of my anxiety.

Compared to my 1st job which is a highly social environment, so I’m forced to interact closely with people which helped me develop relationship with them. Although my SA hinders me to get really close and create friendship atleast our interaction is friendly, relaxed, some teasing and funny banter here and there... like... I belong.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
#44
Finally finished my 3 days shifts to that second job this week. Today is my shift at my first job— Just in time to recuperate from my stress to that 2nd job.

I’m tired to give details on how miserable I feel in that 2nd job. Basically, I feel the same way everytime I meet the same colleagues I have issues with. Like my supervisor complimented me about my performance at work... then at breaktime this colleague told me ‘You did a good job.’ I said ‘Thank you’. Then she said ‘Do you feel good about it?’ I find the question weird because why would I not feel good about it right? So I gave her a confused look while replying ‘Yes?’ ... And she pretended talking to herself saying ‘Oh c’mon of course she did well. Don’t give her a hard time’ — like she’s supposed to be joking. But then in my I’m like is she trying to make me doubtful about myself? It somehow reminds me of that Mean Girls scene when Regina said ‘You’re pretty’ and the girl said ‘Thank you’ and Regina responded ‘Oh so you think you’re pretty’ .... such an uncomfortable question.

And then yesterday, another colleague (who’s friend with that colleague I mentioned above) said the same thing to me and I’m like ‘Thank you’ pretending not to be weirded out this time.
And it feels like she’s indirectly throwing shades at me when one male colleague asked another female colleague ‘Are you ok?’ And then she said ‘You’re asking the wrong person man’ and both of the female colleagues giggled like they both understand an inside joke. The girl even responded ‘I’m fantastic!!’ Then laughed again.
These subtle things can ruin my day and I cannot react to these things because they can always pretend that these inside jokes has nothing to do with me and I’m just being sensitive.

I’m just waiting for that perfect timing to get even to these people. Something that I can be sure of that they’re attacking me and I’m not just being paranoid.

On the positive side, There is one female colleague that I’m starting to get along with. We walked to the bus together and we had a nice and fun chat. You know like something I only do at my first job
 
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