The whatever journal (part 2)

[w*n*c*a*m]

So I’m back. Regarding my new work, I’m not as super anxious as before. I still spend like 15mins in the toilet before shift because of ‘nature’s calling’ (it became a morning habit lol) and also because I prefer the sanctuary of being alone instead of waiting in the staff room.
The positive thing is that I am becoming more competent at work. I now know what to do. The negative thing is my coworker’s attitude are now showing. Yesterday was the worst because of this female coworker showing impatience everytime I ask question. She actually snapped at me. I told her ‘well, who should I ask then?’ She didn’t answer back and even apologized to me after but I can tell she’s still pissed off.

It’s annoying that whenever she sees things that haven’t been done ‘yet’ are automatically assumed as negligence. It’s like I have to defend myself everytime so I can explain my side but I don’t have the opportunity to do it because they never effin ask. There’s 3 coworkers who seems to be bitchy actually and I’m glad I was skeptic at them. I knew not to trust people’s kindness the first time lol.
Anyway, I’m also kinda worried that they see me with ‘attitude’ because I kinda talk back as well. Not in a rude manner but in a passive aggressive kind of way I guess. It’s because I really really hate being ‘bullied’ and I learned from the past that if you ignore them they will keep doing it. On the other hand, I might annoy them more and I get to be targeted more.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So just an update about my previous post. Surprise suprise one of them actually apologized to me. That person heard me and a newbie sharing our experiences about unsupportive and bitchy staff. I think she recognized herself and asked that newbie whom we are talking about. I didn’t mention any names so the newbie didn’t know either.

Anyway, that colleague apologized and told me that whoever that person is, she still want to apologize because she is guilty about having the attitude and being a jerk herself. She seems sincere but I have trust issues so I’m not convinced 100 percent lol. I am skeptic like that.

The annoying thing is I effin cried when she apologized. I hate crying in front of other people when it comes to stuff like this. I dont care crying when it’s about someone dying but when it’s showing personal weakness, I hate that. Anyway, I kinda appreciate what she did. She kept asking me if we’re still buddy, she even said ‘I love you still’ which is so effin awkward for me but I responded ‘I love you too’ (eck!). Funny because my cringe is too transparent I guess because she said ‘That didn’t sound convincing.’
Anyway, I assured her that I may not be expressive but I do appreciate what she did.
I was honest when I said that but that awkwardness will never go I think because now she’s like super nice to me and even volunteering to teach me stuff (I just cant say that I already know most of them coz I did manage to learn by asking others lol).

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Well well well... for a change I’m posting here not because I have to rant something but because I am bored. So let me share my thoughts at the moment.
I realized that my anxiety these days have been more manageable. I figured out it has something to do with social distancing. I know it sucks that I kinda liked it knowing that this is happening because of the pandemic.
Anyway, this social distancing lessened the pressure of me socialising. Like now in the staff room, I can sit alone by myself without looking out of place because everybody’s doing it.
I don’t have to get anxious attending parties or going to hubby’s basketball game because now we aren’t allowed to. I don’t have to be pressured holding gathering for special occasions like birthdays.
Like suddenly I am in this world where being an introvert and having SA is not such a big deal.
The only thing I miss is shopping and eating out with family.
I sound such a shtty human being I know. I’m not happy with the pandemic but I am benefitting from this social distancing thing.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Well well well... for a change I’m posting here not because I have to rant something but because I am bored. So let me share my thoughts at the moment.
I realized that my anxiety these days have been more manageable. I figured out it has something to do with social distancing. I know it sucks that I kinda liked it knowing that this is happening because of the pandemic.
Anyway, this social distancing lessened the pressure of me socialising. Like now in the staff room, I can sit alone by myself without looking out of place because everybody’s doing it.
I don’t have to get anxious attending parties or going to hubby’s basketball game because now we aren’t allowed to. I don’t have to be pressured holding gathering for special occasions like birthdays.
Like suddenly I am in this world where being an introvert and having SA is not such a big deal.
The only thing I miss is shopping and eating out with family.
I sound such a shtty human being I know. I’m not happy with the pandemic but I am benefitting from this social distancing thing.

Nothing wrong with letting the id speak now and then. I too am enjoying the quarantine.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Ugh I’m having an anxiety attack again. I can’t do what I am supposed to do when my brain is doing this. I have a shift to that other job tomorrow and because I haven’t worked there for a week, that anxious feeling is back.

Nothing can relieve this feeling until tomorrow comes. My off day is wasted because of this. I can’t enjoy or relax because of tomorrow’s anticipation. Why why is my brain wired this way. Ugh

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I have survived today. My anxiety hasn’t gone. I think it got worse because now my mind’s playing back how awkward I was at work this morning. I have work again tom. I am planning not to pick any shifts after that atleast for 3 days so I can recuperate. This must be some hormonal sht again.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Last night, the butterflies in my stomach kept on going. It’s been like this for 2 days, actually more than that but it’s been worse these past 2 days. I’ve been taking comfort from food which I hate because I had lost weight and now my previous effort had been wasted. I’ve been ordering Uber Eats and eating much carbs and sugary stuff lately. Just last night I ate a big dinner and still asked hubby to buy me fastfood and ate them too. Like I want to fill this ‘butterfly’ with food instead. Can’t wait for tomorrow to start my off.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Last night, the butterflies in my stomach kept on going. It’s been like this for 2 days, actually more than that but it’s been worse these past 2 days. I’ve been taking comfort from food which I hate because I had lost weight and now my previous effort had been wasted. I’ve been ordering Uber Eats and eating much carbs and sugary stuff lately. Just last night I ate a big dinner and still asked hubby to buy me fastfood and ate them too. Like I want to fill this ‘butterfly’ with food instead. Can’t wait for tomorrow to start my off.

I have to get back on the low-carb, too. I had lost a lot of weight at the end of last year but I'm slowly creeping back up. "Feeding butterflies" is a great turn of phrase, by the way.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I’m suspecting this is really hormonal. I’m being extra sensitive today. One of my nice colleague said she’ll be retiring soon. And now I’m here at my break drinking coffee and I suddenly remembered what she said and I felt seriously crying right now... which is silly because I’ve only met her recently and we’re not close. We don’t even speak that much. I just felt sad that one nice colleague is going to retire soon. I am not normally like this. Like for some reason I am so overflowing with emotion and any small trigger would make me tear up.
Jeez....

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Finally I can have my off at the end of this day. Contrary to what I’ve mentioned before, I worked today because they offered me a shift. I can’t say no. That is still moolah for me. So I can tolerate 1 more work day and I’ll have my 2 days off starting tom.
Today’s not too bad. I feel more confident now than before but I’m buddying up with this person whom I’m not really comfortable with. We had an awkward conversation before. So it’s awkward working with this person now. I think he doesnt like me. We’re just being civil i giess

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

My shift was crap today. And I felt like I’ve been blamed for some mistake that I made because I never knew about that ‘thing’. And my colleagues were nice to teach me about it but I was thinking so many things at once that I was giving them a blank expression still absorbing the new information I’m just learning. Then this one colleague, our team leader today, did something that seems insulting. They were saying something about the T and I know what it is. I’m trying to understand how to do the documentation. But then this person wrote the letter T on the tag and said something like ‘This is the T’ those colleagues were like ‘No, you didnt’. And my mind was so confused that time that I did not even know it was meant for me. But then my colleagues were like asking me if I’m feeling ok and saying I shouldnt think about it at home. All along I thought they were comforting me because I mentioned that today’s shift was overwhelming.
Like so many things happening at once and I just can’t keep up. I know I’m still a newbie but I just can’t help feeling frustrated.
But then while travelling home I felt something is off. Like something happened that wasn’t right. And then I recalled everything that went today and I remembered about that incident. It suddenly made sense why my colleagues were being extra comforting to me.
I couldnt help tearing up while in the bus. At home I couldnt even properly express my depression because I dont want MIL and my son to see me crying. I just want to forget about work. I dont want my MIL asking me what happened. I wanted to cry but I cant show them.
This is not hormones. This is real depression I’m feeling. Maybe not considered as clinical but right now I’m just on my bed with ny phone. I dont care if MIL thinks I’m lazy. I’m grateful she did the cooking and now she’s feeding my son.
Why do people have to be mean? Here’s me always cautious to offend people but then how come there’s others who don’t even care about being rude to others. That person just made me feel stupid. I know im slow sometimes but I am not dumb. I want to cry again.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

And now I am blaming myself why I’m so sensitive. How come others can easily get along well with other people. Why am I born to be like this who can’t express myself well with people, who’s such an easy target for bullying and easily misunderstood.
I know that team leader was wrong to do that. But I can’t help but shift the blame to me for being slow and socially awkward. I feel crap in that shift and what that person did was like a salt added to a wound.
How I wish I’m a rich person. I don’t need to work. I’ll just invest my money to grow. I dont need to put up with things like this.
I admit I’m an unlikeable person. I dont have to torture myself by being social. I am different. I have some nice things about me but I’m not part of the majority so I will often be the odd one out. I hate feeling this everytime I have to deal with people.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel a bit better now

 

[SoScared]

w*n*c*a*m - you mention that you are different. Have you wondered that you might be somewhere on the autism spectrum? Turns out that i am. The diagnosis help me understand a whole bunch of behaviors from childhood till today.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

w*n*c*a*m - you mention that you are different. Have you wondered that you might be somewhere on the autism spectrum? Turns out that i am. The diagnosis help me understand a whole bunch of behaviors from childhood till today.

I have thought of that for a long time now. I even wondered if I have Asperger’s. I won’t be surprised if I have autism. I never had a professional diagnosis. Even my SA is only self diagnosed. My main hindrance for seeking professional help is finances and what my husband’s family will think of me especially that MIL lives with us every now and then. Mental health is perceived negatively in our culture and I’m afraid if my condition gets validated then they will see me as inferior. They are aware that I am a social recluse but they only perceive it as me being a shy and quite snobbish person. They only see me in my ‘comfort’ mode because I’m at home.
I’m not afraid to go out or be with people in public so they don’t see me as someone that is really afraid of people. They see me laugh, relax and even upset. I speak up my mind when I want to. My husband has seen me in parties and he says I’m doing fine and even thinks I’m enjoying it (it’s partly true though). So these are the only things I’m trying to hold on to to keep my ‘dignity’ intact. I rather be perceived to be socially incompetent but ‘normal’ rather than be seen by them as ‘mentally unstable’.

Out of curiosity. What autism spectrum are you?

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

It’s stupid how I couldn’t sleep over something that happened at work. Like now work is also invading my comfort at home. I quite accept that I couldnt have really done so much to control the things that happened. I could improve next time but I admit that my inexperience and stress have contributed to the chaos as well. I forgive myself in that aspect. But I just can’t stop thinking about that rude colleague. The humiliation he did to me. It keeps playing in my head and the things that I could have said to defend myself. I’m feeling down, having butterflies in my stomach, frustrated and pissed off. I hate that one person can give so much effect on me. I hate that my resilience is next to nothing. I’m this effin fragile. I know that I should sleep but I’m having this mental noise. I’m getting hungry but this butterfly is making me lose my appetite. On the positive side, I hope this helps me lose my weight. I’m using humor now. Maybe I’m starting to recover. Hopefully.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I slept. Like 4 hours maybe? Preparing for work to my first job. It’s funny how I miss working there again. I’m not planning to give up my second job but I’m glad I am working in 2 different environment. I never imagined I’ll say this but as much as the pacing in my second job is more relaxed and with less interaction to people, I feel lonely there. I know it’s partly my fault because I avoid sitting at my colleague’s corner during break but I also have a special corner in my first job’s staff room and I don’t feel lonely there. I still get to chat with fellow coworkers once in a while. I have a neutral distance from them where I can isolate myself but still immerse myself to conversations whenever I want to.
Anyway, I need that social vibe again. It exhausted me working there most of the time in the past but I realized that being in that environment is beneficial for me too.

 

[SoScared]

I was diagnosed at a center that i attend.

This site helped me understand a lot more. It's not all bad. I'm very dedicated to certain hobbies.

I'm level 2 and am the guy sat by himself.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-are-the-three-levels-of-autism-260233

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

So since the last post, I’ve been working at my first job and my anxiety have suddenly disappeared. I was at work and still remembering what happened at my 2nd job but the emotional pain was gone. It almost felt like that happened ages ago... like it was a only a distant memory.
I was still the same person but I felt more normal there. I even had long conversation with colleagues, laughed with them, joked with them and even the simple greetings or small talk had been a welcome relief for me.

But tomorrow, I have work at my 2nd job and the anxiety have started creeping in. I hate this because it happens when I’m off and I should be relaxing but now I’m starting to have butterflies in my tummy again.

You might ask me why am I still staying in this 2nd job. For many reasons, I do like this job and it is pretty convenient for our family. And even if I whinge here about some nasty colleague at my 2nd job, majority of them are actually fine. I just feel awkward with them especially at break time because they are so social and I feel left out at the corner of the room. Like I said it’s partly my fault for distancing myself but I can’t help it. It would look more weird if I suddenly sit with them yet I could not even contribute to their chat.

The anxiety has got to do with what happened last time. I think I am a bit traumatised. Sigh

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I’m at my second job right now. It’s busy but this time I’m prepared. I made myself more in control and not get overwhelmed. I made myself focus on one thing before going to the next. I got a compliment from our supervisor. She said that she always watches me and I said I’m doing great. It’s nice to hear words like that. She’s an observant lady. She sometimes approach me and reminds me to ‘breathe’. I’ve never told her about my anxiety but I can tell she has an idea and I’m actually glad that she’s there to comfort me.