The whatever journal (part 2)

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
I’m here again which means I’m sad.

Remember when I was so anxious about having a 2nd child? Now silly me is anxious about not having a 2nd child. It’s almost July and still no pregnancy happening. I’ve been using calendar apps but now I’m actually using an ovulation test kit and it’s been days since calendar says I’m in my fertile window but ovulation test says I’m not fertile still.

Every morning I see that test result turn negative, I get more hopeless. This morning I actually cried silently. I’m having remorse for not trying earlier for a second child. I’m crying for my son who might not have a chance to get a sibling. I’m crying that we will be the only close family he will have because all our family members are in our home country. I’m crying that I’m not sociable at all to make him attend more parties or hold his own party. I’m crying that he will be lonely…. There is so much regret that I wish I can rewind back time so I can fix this. At the very least I should have frozen my egg while I was still younger.
I’m turning 35 next month and it feels like a death sentence now.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
What makes it worse is that everything is reminding me of that frustration.
I have 2 pregnant coworkers and 1 is even a friend. Like we were talking about pregnancy this year and now she is actually pregnant and I’m still not. Then I see Facebook pics of friends with their 2 kids. Then there’s people asking us when we’re planning for a second. Even a friend messaging me saying about not to have an only child and how she is an only child and grew up lonely. Like damn I know she meant well but she’s just adding to my own frustration. Then I see my sister and think of how nice that I have a sister to lean on and even if we’re far apart it’s a comfort to know that I can talk to her anytime. How when dad got sick and She was there for support.
I’m thinking of all these things my son would miss without a sibling and much worse living in a place where no other family members are nearby. Maybe you’ll say ‘well then go back to your home country or make them migrate’. It is not that easy to do when it comes to financial matters.
And turning 35 I’m not even sure if it is still wise to have a 2nd child knowing that there’s a higher chance of miscarriage or genetic abnormalities.
I dont know what to do anymore. It is so sad to think that maybe I should just accept things as it is. 😞
 

SoScared

Well-known member
It's too early for most of this. Give nature a chance. Relax, 35 is just fine, especially for a second child
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Adding to my pregnancy frustration I’m also feeling down because a lot of my co-workers are leaving. I’ve been ignoring it and acting like I’m not affected at all. But deep inside I’m sad. In my past job I never felt this way. Co-workers come and go and I’m just used to it.

But this new workplace feels like one big family. I know I used to get stressed with people here when I was new but eventually I’ve warmed up to them and created some unexpected friendship. Even the senior coworkers have accepted me and they’re now used to my personality. It used to be happy here. But there were some changes at work, coworkers became more pressured, better opportunities showing up from other companies so a lot of them are now leaving.
At first I was like, ‘Eh that’s life people come and go’. But I’m getting butterflies in my stomach these days, I’m lacking appetite yet I’m eating comfort food just to fill in the emptiness in my stomach and my feelings. I felt lazy and tired even during days off. ☹️

I thought I’m immune to these changes but I guess this is the sad reality of having good relationship with coworkers: it’s sad when they leave.
 

F0AM

Well-known member
Adding to my pregnancy frustration I’m also feeling down because a lot of my co-workers are leaving. I’ve been ignoring it and acting like I’m not affected at all. But deep inside I’m sad. In my past job I never felt this way. Co-workers come and go and I’m just used to it.

But this new workplace feels like one big family. I know I used to get stressed with people here when I was new but eventually I’ve warmed up to them and created some unexpected friendship. Even the senior coworkers have accepted me and they’re now used to my personality. It used to be happy here. But there were some changes at work, coworkers became more pressured, better opportunities showing up from other companies so a lot of them are now leaving.
At first I was like, ‘Eh that’s life people come and go’. But I’m getting butterflies in my stomach these days, I’m lacking appetite yet I’m eating comfort food just to fill in the emptiness in my stomach and my feelings. I felt lazy and tired even during days off. ☹️

I thought I’m immune to these changes but I guess this is the sad reality of having good relationship with coworkers: it’s sad when they leave.
Try to keep in touch with those you feel more attached to, is always nice (and healthy) having a conversation or meeting up with those we like whenever is possible 😬, even if it is from time to time to catch up or disconnect from our daily stuff!

A healthy work environment is extremely important for its quality, and co workers play a fundamental role there, so it's normal that you feel down.

And turning 35 I’m not even sure if it is still wise to have a 2nd child knowing that there’s a higher chance of miscarriage or genetic abnormalities.
I dont know what to do anymore. It is so sad to think that maybe I should just accept things as it is
My mother had me when she (and my father) was 32! And 0 problems (in fact i was extremely healthy, my gosh how many times im using that word) ☺️
Then there’s people asking us when we’re planning for a second
God, you ain't Netflix! xD
she is an only child and grew up lonely. Like damn I know she meant well but she’s just adding to my own frustration.
Well, there's also ppl with siblings who are lonely too beacause their siblings end up doing their life and following their own path. SO don't you worry about this! Even if your son doesn´t have a sibling, whether it is on school, extra activities, work, social media, etc. He will surely meet others and develop bonds, have friends, family, etc. Even us ppl with social anxiety/phobia are able to do that (even if sometimes harder). And your son has the luck of being born in a time where being in contact with others is easier than ever!

As SoScared said, trust in nature 😊

No matter how you look at it, nothing is lost 👍
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Try to keep in touch with those you feel more attached to, is always nice (and healthy) having a conversation or meeting up with those we like whenever is possible 😬, even if it is from time to time to catch up or disconnect from our daily stuff!

A healthy work environment is extremely important for its quality, and co workers play a fundamental role there, so it's normal that you feel down.


My mother had me when she (and my father) was 32! And 0 problems (in fact i was extremely healthy, my gosh how many times im using that word) ☺️

God, you ain't Netflix! xD

Well, there's also ppl with siblings who are lonely too beacause their siblings end up doing their life and following their own path. SO don't you worry about this! Even if your son doesn´t have a sibling, whether it is on school, extra activities, work, social media, etc. He will surely meet others and develop bonds, have friends, family, etc. Even us ppl with social anxiety/phobia are able to do that (even if sometimes harder). And your son has the luck of being born in a time where being in contact with others is easier than ever!

As SoScared said, trust in nature 😊

No matter how you look at it, nothing is lost 👍
Try to keep in touch with those you feel more attached to, is always nice (and healthy) having a conversation or meeting up with those we like whenever is possible 😬, even if it is from time to time to catch up or disconnect from our daily stuff!

A healthy work environment is extremely important for its quality, and co workers play a fundamental role there, so it's normal that you feel down.


My mother had me when she (and my father) was 32! And 0 problems (in fact i was extremely healthy, my gosh how many times im using that word) ☺️

God, you ain't Netflix! xD

Well, there's also ppl with siblings who are lonely too beacause their siblings end up doing their life and following their own path. SO don't you worry about this! Even if your son doesn´t have a sibling, whether it is on school, extra activities, work, social media, etc. He will surely meet others and develop bonds, have friends, family, etc. Even us ppl with social anxiety/phobia are able to do that (even if sometimes harder). And your son has the luck of being born in a time where being in contact with others is easier than ever!

As SoScared said, trust in nature 😊

No matter how you look at it, nothing is lost 👍
No matter how good the bond I had with a coworker, things will be different when I don’t see them anymore. It takes a much deeper and mutual relationship to make me comfortable to see them outside work. We have group chats but I know eventually that conversation will dwindle (lol is that an appropriate term? sorry English is not my native language). I know by that time they say goodbye, that will be the end of my relationship/connection to them.


Thanks for the comforting words. Technology does help my son in some ways to connect with my husband’s family. He loves calling them frequently. My son is quite a talker and loves being with people. He likes going to childcare and even looks forward to it. Honestly I’m a bit relieved that he took his dad’s trait. But that also makes me sad for him coz I can tell that he is craving for kid’s company. I can play with my son at home but it’s different when it’s a child he is playing with like that of a sibling.
He also likes babies and he often tells me how he’ll take care of babies. So even my own son constantly reminds me of that ‘sibling’.

I still feel down but I’m doing my best to heal and rest. I’m having butterflies up to now. It helps that I’m off today.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Anxiety is kicking in again. I woke up feeling butterflies in stomach just because I have to get up and face another day. I have to feed son and cook and go to work. How I wish I can freeze time just so I can have more free time for myself.
I’ve been eating shtty because of this. I’m grabbing all comfort food I can to make myself feel a little better. I’m avoiding any caffeine even my usual green tea or matcha. I’m already looking forward for the weekend. That’s how horrible my anxiety is today.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
So I started feeling better after the weekend. But now some coworkers have started saying their advance goodbyes. One coworker has talked to each of us to bade his farewell. I effin cried when he came to me. 🥺 Sometimes I wish they just go so their disappearance will be instant and no heartaches 😭. I’ve never been like this with my previous job.
This will be a long month of me being ok and then crying at random times when one is about to leave again.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
I feel so insecure and worthless. Like I’m a liability to my son and husband because I could not be social like other wives.


When he said Maybe if I’m a social person it would be easier for him to connect with other families. Like he won’t feel so guilty attending parties while I’m at home.…. And it would be easier for our son to mingle with other people too.

I know I’m the one who opened this kind of conversation and he was just being honest but it still hurts and the feeling of wanting to live alone is coming back. Like maybe it was better off if I remained single my entire life. I can just live being me and not get pressured from social expectations or obligations. Coz when he said that, my insecurity became more maximized. Like before I’m insecure coz I’m different but it’s fine coz atleast I have family, I have a job and I’m still functioning as part of society. But now after hearing those words I feel like a glitch… like my weakness is a major flaw of a system and I’m weakening the rest of the parts. Like I should have stayed to where I belong- in isolation. ☹️

But it means not having to meet my adorable son too. 🥺

This is such a conflicting feeling.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Just a quick update:

First: I got a new job and I’m starting next week.

Second: I wanted to keep my previous job as a casual but the new company has a ‘conflict of interest’ policy which means I have to declare this casual job & they’ll decide if I can keep it or not.

Third: It’s a government company which means better benefits and salary. Contract says I’m permanent part time but probationary period is 12 months.

Fourth: I just learned yesterday that I’m pregnant. I am happy that finally we’re successful but at the same time this is a case of bad timing. Remember I had a deadline for myself, that as soon as I have my birthday then we’ll stop? We’ll that last attempt for a baby finally did it. Lol.

Fifth: But overall I’m happy and it’s too early to celebrate but I’m hoping that my pregnancy becomes successful.
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
Just a quick update:

First: I got a new job and I’m starting next week.

Second: I wanted to keep my previous job as a casual but the new company has a ‘conflict of interest’ policy which means I have to declare this casual job & they’ll decide if I can keep it or not.

Third: It’s a government company which means better benefits and salary. Contract says I’m permanent part time but probationary period is 12 months.

Fourth: I just learned yesterday that I’m pregnant. I am happy that finally we’re successful but at the same time this is a case of bad timing. Remember I had a deadline for myself, that as soon as I have my birthday then we’ll stop? We’ll that last attempt for a baby finally did it. Lol.

Fifth: But overall I’m happy and it’s too early to celebrate but I’m hoping that my pregnancy becomes successful.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
To the few people who bothers to read my journal post lol, Happy New Year Everyone! I hope you’re doing fine despite this pandemic.

Nothing much to say but pregnancy is doing well so far. I’m 20 weeks now so only a few more months till my due date. I stopped working at my previous job and focused on my new workplace. I’ve told my manager and coworkers about my pregnancy so no other issues.


My only wish is this covid situation to end. It’s getting tiring with all the restrictions and health concerns especially I have to go for my regular appointments. It also takes away the fun of things like with ultrasound appointment, my husband and son can only get inside for the last 15 mins of the appointment (they initially don’t want my son to be there because he’s a 4 yr old unvaccinated. Jeez) . And now, with these 1 support people restriction, we’re worrying what about during my delivery, will they allow my husband to be in the room with my son? We don’t have a close relative to leave our son with. Why is this an issue anyway?
 
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