The dreaded breakup

[combat]

I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 10 months and everything has been good (no fights/arguments, etc). It's my first real relationship to speak of.

But the last couple of weeks all I've been thinking about is that we should break up. I've also been heavily crushing on another girl I know for a while now, so much so that even when I'm with my girlfriend I constantly think about the other girl. I don't think it's really fair to her for me to be wanting another girl while I'm with her, so I suppose that's another reason. Maybe it's even the main reason I've been wanting to break up. I really don't even know. I can't really explain it, I just don't want to be with her anymore.

I know that the right thing to do is to break up. Stringing her along is unfair. I just hate the thought of breaking her heart. She is such a sweetheart, I dread hurting her like this. But my own heart just isn't in this relationship anymore.

Any advice on how to do this the "right" way? I know there's no way to go about it that won't hurt, but what's the most non-douchebag way to approach it? I couldn't do it to her before she finished her semester finals and I can't do this to her over Christmas, but after new year's I think I need to pull the trigger. I really dread doing this.

 

[Silatuyok]

Hmmm, that's a good question. I've broken up with others before, but it was usually because there was some sort of problem or unhappiness in the relationship. It's much harder when you don't have a concrete reason, but just aren't feeling it anymore. I think you are right, that you shouldn't continue stringing her along.
This may not be the best solution, but if I were in your position I may try talking to her about your feelings, discussing whether or not there are ways you guys could possibly find a way to work things out to where you are happier in the relationship. Whether or not you actually think it's a possibility to work things out, this will alert her to your waning feelings, and who knows, maybe she will have some ideas on how to make things better. If not, then you two can eventually go your separate ways and it will be more gradual (but not necessarily easier).
Just a suggestion. Depending on your preferences, it may be easier for you to just pull the plug and call it quits all in one sitting.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Relationships take two. Beginning one and ending one.
Definitely include this person with what you feel, lack of feeling. Marie is right. Try talking to her about it.

 

[coyote]

...I know that the right thing to do is to break up. Stringing her along is unfair. I just hate the thought of breaking her heart. She is such a sweetheart, I dread hurting her like this. But my own heart just isn't in this relationship anymore...

this is the worst feeling

i've been there before myself a couple of times

unfortunately, one time i ended up going through with the wedding and 12 years of marriage before i finally got the nerve up to call it quits

it probably would've been a good idea if i'd said something sooner

 

[Darryl]

The grass is always greener on the other side.

I wouldn't do it, I would show the person who loves you, the same respect.
If your not compatible well, that's different, if it all because you like this new girl over your current one.... that's rude, and you wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Sorry for sounding hard.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

after a period of time the "lustful" stage isn't as strong, are you guys friends? Do you do things? I mean you guys might not even know eachother that well yet. For me i look for something stable and loving and even if i get asked out by a "hot" guy i could care less now. There will always be someone you think is better no matter what.... if you're really not happy you have to end it

 

[Moa]

When my last boyfriend broke up with me, he told me he wished he had done it months sooner, but didn't want to hurt me.

Knowing that you were kept around because they didn't have the courage to break up with you just adds insult to injury.

 

[SAM2011]

When my last boyfriend broke up with me, he told me he wished he had done it months sooner, but didn't want to hurt me.

Knowing that you were kept around because they didn't have the courage to break up with you just adds insult to injury.

Agreed.

You should really be honest about your feelings with her, its not fair to drag her on, sooner the better.

 

[combat]

The grass is always greener on the other side.

I wouldn't do it, I would show the person who loves you, the same respect.
If your not compatible well, that's different, if it all because you like this new girl over your current one.... that's rude, and you wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Sorry for sounding hard.

You don't have to apologize but I'm not sure I follow what you're saying. You're saying I should stay with her out of respect? I also don't know that this is necessarily *all* about the "new" girl (who isn't all that new, as I've known her longer than my girlfriend and I strongly liked her before I started dating my girlfriend, for whatever it's worth). But I'd say it certainly does play a part in this. And I'm not really sure how it's "rude" though, as I'm not exactly choosing to feel this way. I actually feel terrible about it.

 

[combat]

after a period of time the "lustful" stage isn't as strong, are you guys friends? Do you do things? I mean you guys might not even know eachother that well yet. For me i look for something stable and loving and even if i get asked out by a "hot" guy i could care less now. There will always be someone you think is better no matter what.... if you're really not happy you have to end it

Meh. It's almost like a casual relationship. We see each other about once a week, never talk on the phone, and occasionally text message during the week.

Maybe we gave each other a little too much space. I have no frame of reference with which to measure what a relationship should be like as I've never been in a real one before this. But I do know that I no longer feel like I should be in this one.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Meh. It's almost like a casual relationship. We see each other about once a week, never talk on the phone, and occasionally text message during the week.

Maybe we gave each other a little too much space. I have no frame of reference with which to measure what a relationship should be like as I've never been in a real one before this. But I do know that I no longer feel like I should be in this one.

Once a week seems okay unless you live close then maybe twice a week? You should try talking everyday, just to try it out. If it feels forced then end it. I had a similar problem like with all my relationships not hanging out a lot. I tried doing free associaton which is asking eachother to say 20 random words so you can know eachother better. ::

 

[Felgen]

I've been there before and if she doesn't feel right after 10 months, she'll never feel right. As cruel as this sounds, you're gonna have to hurt her feelings. Just don't tell her that you've been stringing her along all this time.

 

[Silatuyok]

Meh. It's almost like a casual relationship. We see each other about once a week, never talk on the phone, and occasionally text message during the week.

Maybe we gave each other a little too much space. I have no frame of reference with which to measure what a relationship should be like as I've never been in a real one before this. But I do know that I no longer feel like I should be in this one.

Relationships have their ups and downs, but I personally believe a relationship should never be "meh." It's pretty clear you two have lost your spark. But you know that already.