The 30-year-old virgin

[Megaten]

Sorry but I honestly cant read that without laughing. What does a sex therapist do though? Surely they don't "work with you" if you know what I mean

I imagine to help him get past feeling negative about his sex life. Though I don't think sex therapists are for that lol. I think they're for people that are already active but having hang ups.

 

[Rumplestiltskin]

As I said, it's about their value system too. I know I'll be laughed at as well, but since i have a different set of values, I don't care. The point is that if you set their standards and values as your own, and you try to keep up to it, despite your shyness/social anxiety coming in the way of it, you're gonna feel unduly depressed when you fall short.

I don't blame you for keeping it to yourself. I don't go telling everyone I'm a virgin, even though I'm ok with it. I don't know why people look at it like some kind of personal achievement to have slept with as many people as possible. But as some have pointed out if you don't tell anyone, then no one will know. If there are people out there who go around keeping score as to who is a virgin, and who isn't, based solely on one look of that person, then that's someone I'd rather avoid anyway.

I think we have to ask ourselves if it truly matters to us, because it's important for us to have had sex, or is it because it's important to have had sex, to the people who we feel will mock and ridicule us?

I wish I could think like you, but sadly that's not how things work in my world.

The main problem here is that you can't just create your own set of values outside of those already established by society. Society demands, and if you don't deliver what it asks for, you're instantly left out. Once that happens, you come to the instant realization that your own set of values serves no purpose. You may well have tried to convince yourself for quite some time that we're all the same, that kindess is more important than appearance. You might even have felt good for a second there. At some point, though, reality kicks in, and then you realize that it was all nothing but smoke.

While out in the streets, I've been laughed at for being ugly in countless occasions. Any respectable psychologist would advise me the same to confront each one of these moments --"just shrug it off and get on with your life as if nothing had happened, just be aware that it's them who actually have a self-esteem problem, if they need to go around walking all over people". No, dude, they don't. I do. After all, the fact remains that I'm less capable than them, less valuable as an individual in the eyes of society. So in my mind I tell them to go f*** themselves to try and vent my frustation, but in the unlikely event that I were given the chance to swap roles with them, I wouldn't even doubt it for a second.

Well, that will certainly not happen. What will is that I'll be going over the moment when I was insulted for the next following days, maybe weeks. I'll feel like shit.

It just doesn't work like this.

 

[Bronson99]

Only one thing is for sure here: all this negativity is destructive for you, and it will only increase the likelihood of loneliness, indefinite virginity, and any other thing you'd rather avoid.

So yes I'm asking you to embrace the idea that you're a worthy individual, even if you don't have much to base that on. This is precisely what the average person does, in fact. Most people are nothing special, but will act otherwise and they will embrace optimism relentlessly. While people like us can see the artificiality of it, it's actually something we need to learn and/or emulate. You don't improve--in anything--if you think you're inferior or undesirable or whatever it is. That's just a fact.

 

[planemo]

I wish I could think like you, but sadly that's not how things work in my world.

The main problem here is that you can't just create your own set of values outside of those already established by society. Society demands, and if you don't deliver what it asks for, you're instantly left out. Once that happens, you come to the instant realization that your own set of values serves no purpose. You may well have tried to convince yourself for quite some time that we're all the same, that kindess is more important than appearance. You might even have felt good for a second there. At some point, though, reality kicks in, and then you realize that it was all nothing but smoke.

While out in the streets, I've been laughed at for being ugly in countless occasions. Any respectable psychologist would advise me the same to confront each one of these moments --"just shrug it off and get on with your life as if nothing had happened, just be aware that it's them who actually have a self-esteem problem, if they need to go around walking all over people". No, dude, they don't. I do. After all, the fact remains that I'm less capable than them, less valuable as an individual in the eyes of society. So in my mind I tell them to go f*** themselves to try and vent my frustation, but in the unlikely event that I were given the chance to swap roles with them, I wouldn't even doubt it for a second.

Well, that will certainly not happen. What will is that I'll be going over the moment when I was insulted for the next following days, maybe weeks. I'll feel like shit.

It just doesn't work like this.

You're right. I'm sorry for coming across as "if it's easy for me, it must be easy for you". I'm lucky virginity isn't a problem for me, but my lack of contact with the fairer sex most definitely is.

I've felt the cold shoulder of society pretty much all my life, and for various reasons. You're right, it's not just something you can shrug off. I have other issues which make me feel lesser than your average joe, when it comes to social status.

I can try to convince you to feel better about yourself. To know that your lack of sexual experience is in no way a criticism of your worth. The thing is you have to believe it, and if you're being fed info that it is indeed something to be ashamed of, then my words and those of others may prove fruitless.

To have a mind of your own in today's world is tough. Again though, I have to ask you is it a problem for you personally or is it a problem for others, which you measure yourself by? Either way one has to make one's own mind up about how they measure their worth. Good luck. I really hope you don't find this a problem anymore. Fixating on our own flaws only seem to deepen our plight of being from the wrong side of the tracks.

 

[Rumplestiltskin]

Again though, I have to ask you is it a problem for you personally or is it a problem for others, which you measure yourself by? Either way one has to make one's own mind up about how they measure their worth. Good luck. I really hope you don't find this a problem anymore. Fixating on our own flaws only seem to deepen our plight of being from the wrong side of the tracks.

It's both, actually.

I consider myself a faulty individual since I have been unable to achieve something everyone else has, and at the same time everyone else can easily hurt me for not having achieved something as basic, essential and life-changing as that. I deem myself less worthy than the rest (it is a fact that I am, in that aspect), and at the same time they can easily consider themselves above me.

That aside, sex is a basic human need, an instinct that can't be repressed. I don't see how a person can happily live having to completely neglect that.

Oh, and it looks like fun.

(Sorry to bring up my post, but I just wanted to comment on that.)

 

[Bronson99]

It's both, actually.

I consider myself a faulty individual since I have been unable to achieve something everyone else has, and at the same time everyone else can easily hurt me for not having achieved something as basic, essential and life-changing as that. I deem myself less worthy than the rest (it is a fact that I am, in that aspect), and at the same time they can easily consider themselves above me.

That aside, sex is a basic human need, an instinct that can't be repressed. I don't see how a person can happily live having to completely neglect that.

Oh, and it looks like fun.

(Sorry to bring up my post, but I just wanted to comment on that.)

As others have suggested for you before, if you're unable to naturally improve your confidence, find other ways to fill in the blanks. For instance, learn to fake being confident.. fake it till you make it.

This is likely the most obvious reason you can't get any action.

 

[Xervello]

Full disclosure: I'm 38 and a virgin. A few years back I resigned myself to the reality that having sex isn't something that'll happen anytime soon, and may never happen. As of now, I'm okay with that. In my 20's I wouldn't have been. Anyway, the one question I have is, if you could have sex with someone tomorrow for certain but only once and never again OR continue to wait until you find someone to be with, which would you choose? My point being, having sex just to rid yourself of virginity is kind of silly if you think about it. If it's the stigma, you could always lie about it. Though if you were to own up to your virginity and think of it as a virtue, people might respect your confidence and the principle of it. And if it's because you want to experience it and get that over with, doing it just once or twice isn't going to solve that appetite. You're better off coming to terms with it and working on building your self-confidence. Take ownership of who you are, your personality and the good things about you. Once you have pride in those things, it'll shine through and people will see that. Women find confidence attractive. That's where it starts. Then again, I'm a virgin, what do I know.

 

[Odo]

Sex is one of those things that's only a big deal when you're not having it... sort of like food. If you're starving, you get weaker and weaker until finally you get some and it tastes and feels like the best meal you've ever had. But if you have lots of food to eat every day, you just take it for granted and don't really think so much about it.

So while it doesn't make you happier in the long run, I can definitely understand why someone would be upset about not getting it.

Anyways, I was in the same boat for a long while.

It wasn't so much that I wasn't able to attract women as I would hide away all the time feeling sorry for myself... and when I did go out I would sabotage my own chances because I didn't feel worthy, which in turn made me want to hide away again. To be honest, I think I felt even worse when someone found me attractive because I felt like I would have to either reject them to protect my 'space' or my privacy, or try to live up to what I thought their expectations of me were-- and the expectations were always probably too high.

This eventually lead to me trying to convince myself that it was fine to be this way, that I could still be happy and of course the usual hostility towards 'mainstream' society... basically, I would tell myself and others anything I could to attempt to avoid the shame and that sense that I was wasting my life.

Finally, I had an opportunity, decided I had been a virgin long enough, and went for it. It wasn't exactly the special, loving, tender moment I had always pictured, but it happened. It wasn't some big exciting change that made me think of the world in a different way, either... but I have to say, it was good to get it over with so I would stop worrying so much about being a virgin, stop being so afraid of being judged for it, etc.

So in some ways, it was a good experience that helped me to feel more confident. As much as people want to portray FWB or 'casual' sex as something that causes only despair, being a older virgin is probably worse... though I suppose it depends on whether or not you can be okay with it. I know I wasn't okay with it, even though I constantly told myself that I was. And in the end, it really wasn't such a big deal... sort of like ripping off a band-aid. And it definitely doesn't mean that I'm incapable of giving or receiving love.

Others might not agree, but I think that loneliness is probably the worst form of agony there is. I'm saying this as someone who is definitely an introvert, uncomfortable at large social gatherings, and anxious as hell in situations that others wouldn't be. Human beings need each other... I'm not saying they need EVERYONE else, but they do need at least one other person to feel complete and be happy. At least, that has been my experience.

I'm not saying go to a prostitute... but you might want to consider looking for a different type of girl.

 

[myke]

i can teach how to have sex pick up girls just ask me on forum

 

[Hellhound]

i can teach how to have sex pick up girls just ask me on forum

 

[Bronson99]

i can teach how to have sex pick up girls just ask me on forum

Ok, I'd be curious to hear your strategy. Put on your teaching hat, mate!