Terrified of getting close to people

[recluse]

Why am i afraid of getting close to people? I can talk more freely with people i don't know as well, for instance my workmates. With my workmates i got on well with them and could have a laugh but whenever i was invited to something which was out of work with them i got really uncomfortable. It's seems that this pattern occurs with everyone, it's as if i am happy keeping people as aqquaintances yet i am unhappy at the same time. Another example is a girl i have been visiting in her country a few times, the more i get to know her the more nervous i am, even chatting on line. WHy?!

Am i simply not meant to form close friendships?

 

[Joanne Bruce]

Hi, I have discovered that I am afraid to get to really know people and I am afraid to know myself and for others to know me. I m insecure and I was told that I am afraid that I am real. I hide behind obsessive thoughts. It is real frustrating. It makes for alot of anxiety. From Joanne

 

[madmike]

God, i feel the same. I'm often more nervous around the people i consider friends than strangers/classmates because i feel like then there's some sort of pressure on me to perform with friends, and if I don't then that's the end of the friendship :/ I once got on really well with this guy in my class and we'd spend all lesson chatting, so then he invited himself round to mine this one time (lol at that!) and we basically spent a day in silence because i was so worried about what I said/how it would affect the friendship. I know I'm judging myself too harshly though, cos even though i never felt that comfortable around him anymore, he remained really friendly with me, greeted me on the street etc. But i just felt like i'd done something terribly wrong...

 

[Tiercel]

I'm better at interacting with people I hardly know, too. Because even though I claim to not give a crap about what others think of me, I'm afraid that eventually they'll figure out that something about me isn't quite good enough for them. And it's not so much the unworthy feelings that bother me as the fear that someday they'll just be disappointed in me.

 

[Sure_whynot]

Why am i afraid of getting close to people? I can talk more freely with people i don't know as well, for instance my workmates. With my workmates i got on well with them and could have a laugh but whenever i was invited to something which was out of work with them i got really uncomfortable. It's seems that this pattern occurs with everyone, it's as if i am happy keeping people as aqquaintances yet i am unhappy at the same time. Another example is a girl i have been visiting in her country a few times, the more i get to know her the more nervous i am, even chatting on line. WHy?!

Am i simply not meant to form close friendships?

No, I'm the same way sometimes.

Your probably afraid they will actually get to know who you are, and you'll loose whatever "edge" you had before they really knew you.

or . If your like me...

You act differently around different people, for whatever reason, and your afraid different people will mix and discover something about you that you didnt want them to know. Also... being taken out of a comfortable environment that you can control, like an office, and being placed into a new one can be very awkward.

Who knows, were all just as ****ed up so dont feel bad.

 

[Perfidion]

Letting someone get to know you -- REALLY get to know you -- is like handing them a clip full of live ammunition. They can, if they choose to, shoot you in the face. They know your habits, your vulnerabilities, your hopes and your dreams... and those things you treasure most are easily torn apart and pissed upon by someone with malicious intent and an appropriately treacherous character.

Sometimes it's simply safer to keep people at arm's length, however much we might wish otherwise.

 

[this_portrait]

I'm the same way, except I've had a few bad experiences with getting closer to people, so it's made me a little bitter when it comes to getting closer to people in general. =/

 

[recluse]

I don't like people knowing too much about me. I'm pretty secretive.

 

[Reiji Moritsugu]

Letting someone get to know you -- REALLY get to know you -- is like handing them a clip full of live ammunition. They can, if they choose to, shoot you in the face. They know your habits, your vulnerabilities, your hopes and your dreams... and those things you treasure most are easily torn apart and pissed upon by someone with malicious intent and an appropriately treacherous character.

Sometimes it's simply safer to keep people at arm's length, however much we might wish otherwise.

THIS.

And it is something I learnt the hardest way, when two people whom I had known for more than 10 years and considered to be my friends betrayed me in the moment I needed them the most. Before that happened I wasn´t so scared of getting close to people, but that´s when I realized how things really seem to work in this world.

Anyways, such happenings led me to the following thought/theory/whatever:

"¿Why even bother getting close to people? they are just going to betray and/or abandon me anyway, like everybody else has done before them." I´m sure that used to be the cause of me being so terrified of getting close to people, at least on a subconscious level that has now been brought into conscience. And I noticed a pattern: it had the same characteristics of what you´re describing here along with something you may have experienced, or maybe not: I´ve noticed that I become increasingly more terrified when things are actually going well, to the point of irrationally breaking the contact in some cases. My guess is the fear of having another experience like the one of one year ago is far stronger than anything else.

Because if someone I don´t know/doesn´t know me well does the same thing, it isn´t nearly as painful as there´s no attachment whatsoever.

See you around

 

[danstelter]

Why am i afraid of getting close to people? I can talk more freely with people i don't know as well, for instance my workmates. With my workmates i got on well with them and could have a laugh but whenever i was invited to something which was out of work with them i got really uncomfortable. It's seems that this pattern occurs with everyone, it's as if i am happy keeping people as aqquaintances yet i am unhappy at the same time. Another example is a girl i have been visiting in her country a few times, the more i get to know her the more nervous i am, even chatting on line. WHy?!

Am i simply not meant to form close friendships?

There's always a reason people do this, and you are meant to have friends. You are playing some sort of game on yourself and acting out some past experience in life, I would guess. For me, I found that the reason I had a hard time forming relationships with women was that I had a very poor and adversarial relationship with my mother, and I shifted that experience with her onto every other woman in my life. Did you have distant relationships with your parents? Could there be other reasons based on past experiences, perhaps bullying or other harassment, that are leading to your difficulty in forming relationships? You have to know what it is that is leading to your fear, and when you know that, you will be able to move forward and successfully form relationships.

This forum might not be able to go in-depth enough to help you. Professional help might be needed. I sought counseling on two separate occasions and found it VERY BENEFICIAL both times. I didn't feel any shame in asking for help because I wanted to move forward in life, and the first things the counselors told me was that I should be commended for my courage in reaching out. It is possible to do this on your own, but enlisting the help of knowledgeable others is very often quicker and more helpful. Good luck and let us know what you do!

 

[lurknomore]

I don't know... I feel like I don't get close to people not out of fear of getting hurt, but out of a fear that the more they know of me, the less they'll like me. I actually have a somewhat positive view of people, believe the best until the worst is proved, pretty generous (probably too generous) with giving people the benefit of the doubt, etc. Maybe it's because I've never really been hurt that badly by others, or haven't exposed myself to enough people, but I don't believe that most people are out there to use and take advantage of you. And I think that although you will run into people that will end up hurting you, the positive relationships you form should more than make up for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... but taking a risk is always scary.

 

[danstelter]

I don't know... I feel like I don't get close to people not out of fear of getting hurt, but out of a fear that the more they know of me, the less they'll like me. I actually have a somewhat positive view of people, believe the best until the worst is proved, pretty generous (probably too generous) with giving people the benefit of the doubt, etc. Maybe it's because I've never really been hurt that badly by others, or haven't exposed myself to enough people, but I don't believe that most people are out there to use and take advantage of you. And I think that although you will run into people that will end up hurting you, the positive relationships you form should more than make up for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... but taking a risk is always scary.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained...taking the risk is the smart thing to do. And guess what, you get to pick your friends so if the person is a prick, ditch them and move on to someone else. The positive relationships will last a long time, at least a few years in most cases, and the bad ones will last just a short while and you can go do something else with your time. Of course, the only way to find out is to try.

 

[recluse]

There's always a reason people do this, and you are meant to have friends. You are playing some sort of game on yourself and acting out some past experience in life, I would guess. For me, I found that the reason I had a hard time forming relationships with women was that I had a very poor and adversarial relationship with my mother, and I shifted that experience with her onto every other woman in my life. Did you have distant relationships with your parents? Could there be other reasons based on past experiences, perhaps bullying or other harassment, that are leading to your difficulty in forming relationships? You have to know what it is that is leading to your fear, and when you know that, you will be able to move forward and successfully form relationships.

This forum might not be able to go in-depth enough to help you. Professional help might be needed. I sought counseling on two separate occasions and found it VERY BENEFICIAL both times. I didn't feel any shame in asking for help because I wanted to move forward in life, and the first things the counselors told me was that I should be commended for my courage in reaching out. It is possible to do this on your own, but enlisting the help of knowledgeable others is very often quicker and more helpful. Good luck and let us know what you do!

My mother is a loving person but she has always had bad mood swings, and whenever she used to get these mood swings i would be scared when i was a kid.

My dad has always been a pretty distant person, i mean he would and still does act distant some times.

 

[trip]

wow im amazed others out there are like me .. at uni or with strangers there's no awkward silences ...and its all good im a cheerful person
but with my close friends i freak out..and act like a sad prick, i personally think its because at uni things and conversations are superficial but with ur close friends in a cozy room you cant be superficial and faking.. and im not in touch with myself how the hell am i gonna be in touch with others.. i cant make up stuff i dont feel u know ?

but its funny cuz i wasnt always like this .. i was actually the opposite as a kid/teen.. i was terrified from strangers or talking in a group, but was very good with close friends or if i was one on one with someone i knew abit..

i wish i could go back to that.. f*ck .. life really took its toll on me i guess..

 

[danstelter]

My mother is a loving person but she has always had bad mood swings, and whenever she used to get these mood swings i would be scared when i was a kid.

My dad has always been a pretty distant person, i mean he would and still does act distant some times.

Well, this probably has a lot to do with how you form relationships now. I can't really get super detailed about your experiences with your parents growing up because this is a forum and just is not practical, but this evidence that you do give that your mother had bad mood swings that would give you a good scare and that your dad was a pretty distant person does give some credence to the possibility that your upbrining has a lot to do with your difficulty in forming relationships with other people today. I can't diagnose and I shouldn't because that would be inappropriate, but this seems to be something that you might consider exploring more in the future.

What I will say is that you can change your patterns for forming relationships and that while you may not miraculously turn into a socialite one day, you certainly will be able to form the relationships that you need to be happy as a person. It sounds like people like you at work because you said that the guys at work invite you out but that you decline, so I think that you have a lot to work with. If I were you, I would go and see a professional counselor like I said before and explore this further because it could be very beneficial for you, and as I noted, counseling is very helpful and helped me a ton a couple times in the past! So, it's really up to you what you do, but if it were me, that is the next step that I would take.

 

[pandamonium77]

Im like this too - I want to hug people, and i want to scooch myself near people and be comfortable around them... but im not comfortable, at all
I would love to be more touchy-feely with my female friends *not in THAT way*, but i cant because of this crap ><

 

[jiujitsu]

I've noticed this about myself, also. I can only confide in people over the internet that I haven't ever met. I'm too afraid to talk to people in person or people that know me.

I can't really think of a good reason why at the moment... I guess I'd feel like my cover was blown.

 

[Nack]

I've made a promise to myself that i will have to learn to become close to someone eventually. That's because I'm not planning to be single for the rest of my pathetic life. I want kids, a wife, job, happiness.

 

[recluse]

I don't want to be single all my life either, the thought of dying old and alone having never been in a relationship scares me. I'm more bothered about finding a woman who would spend her life with me than having friends.

 

[BlueDove]

I guess this is an older post so don't know who out there might read this. I have this "afraid to get to know others" problem. It is just such an annoyance and makes me quite lonely. I am open and friendly at work and can even do the occassional after work get together but I can't get a boyfriend or go on a date or even attempt to look for a partner. It's as if I have to have known someone for years before I feel ok really knowing them. I have spent alot of time trying to self-assess to see if I might have an attachment disorder but I just don't know. I want close friends and have had one or two in the past. People say they like me and I can tell that I am likeable but I can't take things to the next step of any relationship. It just feels like a huge, scary responsibility.