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Well-known member
Okay, so I apologize ahead of time if this is a lengthy post, but I just really am feeling extra scared and alone lately and need some help. I have had low self esteem since grade school, but these past few years have really torn me apart. My depression started when I was about 11 and continues to worsen each year. I'm 21 now and already feel as though I've f*ed up my life. At least when I was younger, I had some false hope that I could accomplish something when I'd get older. I knew I was ugly, but I didn't view myself as COMPLETELY worthless. Somehow, I considered myself to have a little bit of talent and felt that I was kind of smart. I know I'm still young or whatever, however, I just don't think that I'm going to achieve anything anymore. Once I got to high school I no longer believed I had any talent, and as far as intelligence, I felt as though I was just smart because I tried really hard in school. Now, I feel as though I am nothing. I am even more hideous than ever, I don’t have any talent or skills in anything, and I no longer feel that I have any intelligence. I don’t even feel that I am average when it comes to being smart now...I feel like the most idiotic, dumb human ever. I just really hate myself right now! It feels like I’ve wasted my entire college career too. I spent the last couple of years trying to figure out who I am and decide on a new major but did not have any luck. Am I so pathetic since I cannot even decide what’s best for me?! Everyone else knows what they’re good at and what they enjoy, and I thought I used to know that but now I don’t. Of course, when it matters most, that's when I am completely lost.
Anyway, all of these insecurities are taking a toll on my confidence/ability to be comfortable around others. I’ve always had a little bit of social anxiety, but again, this is something that has been getting A LOT WORSE in the past few years. Already, I have mentioned how dumb I feel that I am, but I think that I end up just making myself appear to be even more dumb to others because of how I act around them. I just get so scared and intimidated by other people that I cannot speak clearly or say what I’m thinking. I cannot make any friends because of my low self-confidence either. I see other people connect with each other right away, but it takes me forever to get close to anyone. Since I am so socially awkward, I also feel as though people would be creeped out by me if I tried to become their friend. I know I need to stop thinking like this because then I’ll never make any friends, but these thoughts always cloud my mind. Whenever I do make “new friends,” it never lasts long. I usually have to be the one to contact the other person, as it seems that others are never interested in keeping me as a friend. I’m not interesting enough to other people, apparently.
So, I have to bring up a huge issue in my life now. I am glad I can at least vent about all this here, because I could not really talk about all of this in person to anyone. I can somewhat talk to a couple of my family members about some of my above concerns, but I just don’t think they really understand HOW low I feel because of them. They also do not seem to understand the extent of my anxiety in social situations. Anyway, I have never been able to talk to them about the fact that I cut myself and am rather suicidal. I have tried to bottle this up inside me for all these years, but I have to talk to someone about it. When I found this site, I was so relieved because I could talk about these things without having to have a face-to-face conversation with anyone. I really need to make this post now, as my suicidal thoughts are worsening again. I have considered suicide since I was probably 14, but again, in the past few years I have been consumed by these thoughts more than ever. My senior year of high school I could not battle these thoughts very well, so I began cutting myself. I knew and still know this is a terrible thing to do, but I resorted to this as sort of a replacement for suicide. So here’s the thing, I have a loving family and I know that committing suicide would hurt them terribly. I keep trying to fight the suicidal thoughts as I figure that it really shouldn’t be an option, but I just feel so low about myself that I just want to end my life. Cutting myself was a way to feel a little closer to suicide without actually committing the act. I also started doing this because I felt I deserved it. It’s similar to how people tear up/throw away things that are no longer useful. I feel that I am worthless and should be torn apart and thrown away. This is a terrible thing to think, I know, but just cannot seem to make myself stop thinking like this. That’s why I am here…I need some support since I still think/do things that I know are just digging me into a deeper hole. I’ve come close to telling one of my family members about how I cut myself, but I ended up getting too scared. I’m afraid of her reaction. First, I wouldn’t want my pain to cause pain to her as well (I know I would hurt if she told me she did something like this). Second, I would be scared she would tell my other family members out of concern, which would bring down my entire family. I just do not want to cause them that kind of pain or be such a burden. Lately, my suicidal thoughts have been getting a lot worse. I am back at that point where I am having dreams almost every other night that relate to suicide. They used to involve me crying and revealing my suicidal thoughts to people who had hurt my self esteem in my past. Now, they are much more painful though. They now involve me actually trying to commit the act, then one of my family members sees and tries to stop me. The looks on their faces and the sound of their voices make the dreams feel so real. When I have these, I wake up in a panic, feeling like my family members somehow know that I do want to kill myself. Experiencing how devastated they were through those dreams is the worst feeling I have ever experienced, which is why I desperately need help in trying to fight off these suicidal thoughts. I would not want them to have to feel/experience those things in my dreams.
Please, if anyone has any support they can give me, I need it! I never feel that anyone else out there should ever deserve to feel this low, and my heart always breaks when I hear about others wanting to commit suicide, yet somehow I still cannot tell myself I am worth it or deserve to live. (I apologize again for the length of this post!)
Anyway, all of these insecurities are taking a toll on my confidence/ability to be comfortable around others. I’ve always had a little bit of social anxiety, but again, this is something that has been getting A LOT WORSE in the past few years. Already, I have mentioned how dumb I feel that I am, but I think that I end up just making myself appear to be even more dumb to others because of how I act around them. I just get so scared and intimidated by other people that I cannot speak clearly or say what I’m thinking. I cannot make any friends because of my low self-confidence either. I see other people connect with each other right away, but it takes me forever to get close to anyone. Since I am so socially awkward, I also feel as though people would be creeped out by me if I tried to become their friend. I know I need to stop thinking like this because then I’ll never make any friends, but these thoughts always cloud my mind. Whenever I do make “new friends,” it never lasts long. I usually have to be the one to contact the other person, as it seems that others are never interested in keeping me as a friend. I’m not interesting enough to other people, apparently.
So, I have to bring up a huge issue in my life now. I am glad I can at least vent about all this here, because I could not really talk about all of this in person to anyone. I can somewhat talk to a couple of my family members about some of my above concerns, but I just don’t think they really understand HOW low I feel because of them. They also do not seem to understand the extent of my anxiety in social situations. Anyway, I have never been able to talk to them about the fact that I cut myself and am rather suicidal. I have tried to bottle this up inside me for all these years, but I have to talk to someone about it. When I found this site, I was so relieved because I could talk about these things without having to have a face-to-face conversation with anyone. I really need to make this post now, as my suicidal thoughts are worsening again. I have considered suicide since I was probably 14, but again, in the past few years I have been consumed by these thoughts more than ever. My senior year of high school I could not battle these thoughts very well, so I began cutting myself. I knew and still know this is a terrible thing to do, but I resorted to this as sort of a replacement for suicide. So here’s the thing, I have a loving family and I know that committing suicide would hurt them terribly. I keep trying to fight the suicidal thoughts as I figure that it really shouldn’t be an option, but I just feel so low about myself that I just want to end my life. Cutting myself was a way to feel a little closer to suicide without actually committing the act. I also started doing this because I felt I deserved it. It’s similar to how people tear up/throw away things that are no longer useful. I feel that I am worthless and should be torn apart and thrown away. This is a terrible thing to think, I know, but just cannot seem to make myself stop thinking like this. That’s why I am here…I need some support since I still think/do things that I know are just digging me into a deeper hole. I’ve come close to telling one of my family members about how I cut myself, but I ended up getting too scared. I’m afraid of her reaction. First, I wouldn’t want my pain to cause pain to her as well (I know I would hurt if she told me she did something like this). Second, I would be scared she would tell my other family members out of concern, which would bring down my entire family. I just do not want to cause them that kind of pain or be such a burden. Lately, my suicidal thoughts have been getting a lot worse. I am back at that point where I am having dreams almost every other night that relate to suicide. They used to involve me crying and revealing my suicidal thoughts to people who had hurt my self esteem in my past. Now, they are much more painful though. They now involve me actually trying to commit the act, then one of my family members sees and tries to stop me. The looks on their faces and the sound of their voices make the dreams feel so real. When I have these, I wake up in a panic, feeling like my family members somehow know that I do want to kill myself. Experiencing how devastated they were through those dreams is the worst feeling I have ever experienced, which is why I desperately need help in trying to fight off these suicidal thoughts. I would not want them to have to feel/experience those things in my dreams.
Please, if anyone has any support they can give me, I need it! I never feel that anyone else out there should ever deserve to feel this low, and my heart always breaks when I hear about others wanting to commit suicide, yet somehow I still cannot tell myself I am worth it or deserve to live. (I apologize again for the length of this post!)