suicidal thoughts worsening again..need some support

[chev]

Okay, so I apologize ahead of time if this is a lengthy post, but I just really am feeling extra scared and alone lately and need some help. I have had low self esteem since grade school, but these past few years have really torn me apart. My depression started when I was about 11 and continues to worsen each year. I'm 21 now and already feel as though I've f*ed up my life. At least when I was younger, I had some false hope that I could accomplish something when I'd get older. I knew I was ugly, but I didn't view myself as COMPLETELY worthless. Somehow, I considered myself to have a little bit of talent and felt that I was kind of smart. I know I'm still young or whatever, however, I just don't think that I'm going to achieve anything anymore. Once I got to high school I no longer believed I had any talent, and as far as intelligence, I felt as though I was just smart because I tried really hard in school. Now, I feel as though I am nothing. I am even more hideous than ever, I don’t have any talent or skills in anything, and I no longer feel that I have any intelligence. I don’t even feel that I am average when it comes to being smart now...I feel like the most idiotic, dumb human ever. I just really hate myself right now! It feels like I’ve wasted my entire college career too. I spent the last couple of years trying to figure out who I am and decide on a new major but did not have any luck. Am I so pathetic since I cannot even decide what’s best for me?! Everyone else knows what they’re good at and what they enjoy, and I thought I used to know that but now I don’t. Of course, when it matters most, that's when I am completely lost.

Anyway, all of these insecurities are taking a toll on my confidence/ability to be comfortable around others. I’ve always had a little bit of social anxiety, but again, this is something that has been getting A LOT WORSE in the past few years. Already, I have mentioned how dumb I feel that I am, but I think that I end up just making myself appear to be even more dumb to others because of how I act around them. I just get so scared and intimidated by other people that I cannot speak clearly or say what I’m thinking. I cannot make any friends because of my low self-confidence either. I see other people connect with each other right away, but it takes me forever to get close to anyone. Since I am so socially awkward, I also feel as though people would be creeped out by me if I tried to become their friend. I know I need to stop thinking like this because then I’ll never make any friends, but these thoughts always cloud my mind. Whenever I do make “new friends,” it never lasts long. I usually have to be the one to contact the other person, as it seems that others are never interested in keeping me as a friend. I’m not interesting enough to other people, apparently.

So, I have to bring up a huge issue in my life now. I am glad I can at least vent about all this here, because I could not really talk about all of this in person to anyone. I can somewhat talk to a couple of my family members about some of my above concerns, but I just don’t think they really understand HOW low I feel because of them. They also do not seem to understand the extent of my anxiety in social situations. Anyway, I have never been able to talk to them about the fact that I cut myself and am rather suicidal. I have tried to bottle this up inside me for all these years, but I have to talk to someone about it. When I found this site, I was so relieved because I could talk about these things without having to have a face-to-face conversation with anyone. I really need to make this post now, as my suicidal thoughts are worsening again. I have considered suicide since I was probably 14, but again, in the past few years I have been consumed by these thoughts more than ever. My senior year of high school I could not battle these thoughts very well, so I began cutting myself. I knew and still know this is a terrible thing to do, but I resorted to this as sort of a replacement for suicide. So here’s the thing, I have a loving family and I know that committing suicide would hurt them terribly. I keep trying to fight the suicidal thoughts as I figure that it really shouldn’t be an option, but I just feel so low about myself that I just want to end my life. Cutting myself was a way to feel a little closer to suicide without actually committing the act. I also started doing this because I felt I deserved it. It’s similar to how people tear up/throw away things that are no longer useful. I feel that I am worthless and should be torn apart and thrown away. This is a terrible thing to think, I know, but just cannot seem to make myself stop thinking like this. That’s why I am here…I need some support since I still think/do things that I know are just digging me into a deeper hole. I’ve come close to telling one of my family members about how I cut myself, but I ended up getting too scared. I’m afraid of her reaction. First, I wouldn’t want my pain to cause pain to her as well (I know I would hurt if she told me she did something like this). Second, I would be scared she would tell my other family members out of concern, which would bring down my entire family. I just do not want to cause them that kind of pain or be such a burden. Lately, my suicidal thoughts have been getting a lot worse. I am back at that point where I am having dreams almost every other night that relate to suicide. They used to involve me crying and revealing my suicidal thoughts to people who had hurt my self esteem in my past. Now, they are much more painful though. They now involve me actually trying to commit the act, then one of my family members sees and tries to stop me. The looks on their faces and the sound of their voices make the dreams feel so real. When I have these, I wake up in a panic, feeling like my family members somehow know that I do want to kill myself. Experiencing how devastated they were through those dreams is the worst feeling I have ever experienced, which is why I desperately need help in trying to fight off these suicidal thoughts. I would not want them to have to feel/experience those things in my dreams.

Please, if anyone has any support they can give me, I need it! I never feel that anyone else out there should ever deserve to feel this low, and my heart always breaks when I hear about others wanting to commit suicide, yet somehow I still cannot tell myself I am worth it or deserve to live. (I apologize again for the length of this post!)

 

[hthrcm2000]

You definitely don't need to feel alone. There's a lot of people who go through everything you mentioned. I'm glad you have a loving family. I'm sure they'd rather you tell them & get help than for you to feel like this alone. I had a family member who was suicidal & felt like a burden, but I'm glad they got help & they're not a burden to me. I really encourage you to tell someone. If not family, then your school might have free counseling. And it sometimes seem like it to me too, but it's not true that everyone knows what they like and what they should do. I'm already through school and am still figuring that out. You seem very intelligent and you deserve to feel better than this.

 

[neardeath]

I'm 54 and I have been dealing with this since I was your age.

All I can tell you is what keeps me going is finding activities and hobbies that I can enjoy alone or with others, and keep on going.

I was physically near death a few times in life and realized that my suicidal feelings are actually all B.S.! I was praying to live at those times. It's just the disease talking when we feel suicidal.

I have a very low opinion of myself, as well. To endure is all I can do now, and try to keep my brain interested with all my favorite stuff.

I've tried the doctors and all the meds and nothing has worked for me. Now I have to rely on my own resources, which are dwindling.

Hang in there and keep writing and venting here in the forum. We will listen.

 

[Nanita]

Really sad to read about the pain you are experiencing.

You are loveable and worthy of happiness, health, joy and everything you want.

You are still young, so even though you say you feel like you already f***ed up your life, it doesn´t have to be like that, because everyday is a new chance, every minute a new chance, to do things differently, to try something new, to make changes for yourself.

Have you tried any therapy?

I was extremely sad, lonely, depressed and suicidal when I was 14-21. I also had social anxiety (and I still do), but during those young years, depression and self hatred was the main issue. I thought about wanting to die all the time. I started doing drugs and being self destructive in different ways. When I was 21, I finally went to a therapist. The therapy didn´t really help much, HOWEVER it was a turning point for me because this was the time I started taking myself seriously, and taking better care of myself. It was like I decided I wanted to give it a try, I mean to really try getting better and not constantly focus on darkness and death. I kinda faked it, I said to myself "I am healthy, I love myself, I appreciate life". Stuff like that. Maybe it sounds pathetic or useless, but it was a way to force myself out of the darkness.
I also started reading spiritual books, they atually really helped me a lot.
Later in my life I did meet a therapist that was really good for me. Good therapists are out there...

Feel free to write whenever you need to

 

[chev]

Thanks for all the support. It really is a huge relief knowing I have a place to talk about this issue.

hthrcm2000: I know my family would feel the same way too, but I just feel it's better for their health to not have to know. If I get any worse, I might consider telling them. I might look into the counseling option, though I'm sure I will be too terrified to do that. I do try to remind myself that other people feel the way I do about school/figuring out a career path. If I just could gain some self-confidence and feel that I'm not a total failure at everything, then I wouldn't be as worried about being a little unsure of it all.

Neardeath: I will definitely keep up with this site. As I've said, this seems to have been the biggest help so far. I do notice when the suicidal thoughts attack that they are much worse when I don't have a chance to get on here. As far as activities/hobbies go, I suppose I really need to force myself back into things that used to make me happy. It's not that I have abandoned all of them, but as my depression has gotten worse I have let them fall by the wayside. I've just had a hard time being as interested in them because of the whole low self-esteem thing. Too often, I give up on things because I feel that there's no point in doing them if I am absolutely terrible at them.

Nanita: I haven't tried therapy before, other than what you mentioned about tricking my own mind. I've tried to just tell myself I'm a wonderful person and I don't need to be any other way. Usually it doesn't work. I suppose I need to try harder at it though, and I definitely see your point about it being a way to take care of yourself. It is quite bad that I continue to cut myself, knock myself down, and tell myself that I am not worth anything or deserve to live. Do you have any spiritual books to recommend?

 

[Nanita]

Thanks for all the support. It really is a huge relief knowing I have a place to talk about this issue.


Nanita: I haven't tried therapy before, other than what you mentioned about tricking my own mind. I've tried to just tell myself I'm a wonderful person and I don't need to be any other way. Usually it doesn't work. I suppose I need to try harder at it though, and I definitely see your point about it being a way to take care of yourself. It is quite bad that I continue to cut myself, knock myself down, and tell myself that I am not worth anything or deserve to live. Do you have any spiritual books to recommend?

I hope you will feel better and I hope you will find this forum useful

Some books I can recommend: You can heal your life by Louise L Hay. The power of now by Eckhart Tolle. Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch.

-

 

[Lowlight]

Hello.

When I first started reading your post I was struck by the articulate and honest nature of your words. In my estimation a truly “dumb” person could not write what you have posted. I was never very good at school and often felt I was below par when it came to intelligence. Soon after though I examined what intelligence really means. You might not be very book smart or naturally skilled in some hobby, but you seem to have a wonderful insight into yourself and your true nature. I could go on and on about people in my class who were sport stars and academic achievers, but were also very aloof and self-centered. I would happily sit and talk with a “dumb” empathetic person than an “intelligent” snob any day. This insight that you have about yourself can work to your advantage.

You have low self-esteem and are fraught with depression. You know what it feels like to be in a dark place. I believe honestly that for you (and a lot of people; including me) this is your strength. Let me explain using myself as an example.

When I first went to a local community college I wanted to study computer forensics. That seemed like a good idea because technology is a growing field. Once taking the classes though I quickly learned that I didn’t like computers very much. The other classes in the program were about law and government which I did like. I said to myself why I don’t then take the classes for a criminal justice degree. This is where my social anxiety came into play. To do work in the criminal justice field it takes a lot of social interaction and responsibility. I don’t think I could handle that when people’s freedoms are at stake.

In having come to the conclusion that I didn’t know what I wanted to do I began to feel nervous about my future (I’m 24 now). I have a loving family that supports me, but I don’t want to be a burden. So I meditated and logically thought on the issue and came up with this conclusion. The one hard skill I have is knowing myself and my problems. This epiphany leads me to believe that my goal in life should be to help others who are suffering in similar ways to me.

Back to you and your life. You have to experience it firsthand, but helping someone is the most self-esteem boosting thing you can do for yourself. When you can relate to a person and give some guidance it feels like you have accomplished something very noble. In addition to this feeling when you are dealing with people who are having troubles they are, more likely than not, going to be very nice and appreciative for the help you are giving. This can build your social interaction skills in a friendlier environment. You can begin to feel comfortable and confident around others. I’m currently studying in the field of human services and hope to be a counselor for addicts, at risk youth, or the mentally ill someday. You can start out small like volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter and work from there.

In addition to all I have said though, you need to get some help NOW for your suicidal/self-harm issues. It takes time to build up your personal outlook, and when you are in the position you are in now time is of the essence. If you were to commit suicide you would not only be hurting the ones you love now, but also the ones you could have loved and helped in the future. You are a good person, so taking steps like therapy or medication is of benefit not just to you, but everyone you will ever meet. It sounds like a lot, but it has its pay offs.

I wish you good fortune and happiness in your life. Feel free to message me anytime.

 

[chev]

Hello.

When I first started reading your post I was struck by the articulate and honest nature of your words. In my estimation a truly “dumb” person could not write what you have posted. I was never very good at school and often felt I was below par when it came to intelligence. Soon after though I examined what intelligence really means. You might not be very book smart or naturally skilled in some hobby, but you seem to have a wonderful insight into yourself and your true nature. I could go on and on about people in my class who were sport stars and academic achievers, but were also very aloof and self-centered. I would happily sit and talk with a “dumb” empathetic person than an “intelligent” snob any day. This insight that you have about yourself can work to your advantage.

You have low self-esteem and are fraught with depression. You know what it feels like to be in a dark place. I believe honestly that for you (and a lot of people; including me) this is your strength. Let me explain using myself as an example.

When I first went to a local community college I wanted to study computer forensics. That seemed like a good idea because technology is a growing field. Once taking the classes though I quickly learned that I didn’t like computers very much. The other classes in the program were about law and government which I did like. I said to myself why I don’t then take the classes for a criminal justice degree. This is where my social anxiety came into play. To do work in the criminal justice field it takes a lot of social interaction and responsibility. I don’t think I could handle that when people’s freedoms are at stake.

In having come to the conclusion that I didn’t know what I wanted to do I began to feel nervous about my future (I’m 24 now). I have a loving family that supports me, but I don’t want to be a burden. So I meditated and logically thought on the issue and came up with this conclusion. The one hard skill I have is knowing myself and my problems. This epiphany leads me to believe that my goal in life should be to help others who are suffering in similar ways to me.

Back to you and your life. You have to experience it firsthand, but helping someone is the most self-esteem boosting thing you can do for yourself. When you can relate to a person and give some guidance it feels like you have accomplished something very noble. In addition to this feeling when you are dealing with people who are having troubles they are, more likely than not, going to be very nice and appreciative for the help you are giving. This can build your social interaction skills in a friendlier environment. You can begin to feel comfortable and confident around others. I’m currently studying in the field of human services and hope to be a counselor for addicts, at risk youth, or the mentally ill someday. You can start out small like volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter and work from there.

In addition to all I have said though, you need to get some help NOW for your suicidal/self-harm issues. It takes time to build up your personal outlook, and when you are in the position you are in now time is of the essence. If you were to commit suicide you would not only be hurting the ones you love now, but also the ones you could have loved and helped in the future. You are a good person, so taking steps like therapy or medication is of benefit not just to you, but everyone you will ever meet. It sounds like a lot, but it has its pay offs.

I wish you good fortune and happiness in your life. Feel free to message me anytime.

Thanks for your help. I truly appreciate all the advice and support everyone is giving me here. As you've said that my dark place could work to my advantage, I have tried to think of it like this in the past. When I would get deeply hurt by something or someone, I wrote about it or drew in my sketchbook. I don't do this as often as I did before, so I'm thinking I need to get back into it. Sometimes I also try to remind myself that if I hadn't gone through the pain that I have that I wouldn't be as caring or sympathetic towards others who are going through rough times. It kills me to see others be so indifferent towards other people experiencing pain. I still remember when I found out someone else I knew was suicidal. Some other people acted as if it was nothing, and this frustrated/hurt me to no end! This is still why I wouldn't want to tell my family how I feel. When I found out that person was suicidal, even though I wasn't that close to this person, I still felt and understood that pain on probably a very close level. Since my family is close to me, I know that they would have that similar experience. I felt the pain that person felt, so I know my family members would feel my pain. It is crucial, though, that I get help, but I guess I am still just scared about reaching out. I've thought about calling a suicide prevention line before. That way, I wouldn't have to speak to someone face-to-face, but I would still be taking a step to seek professional help.

 

[chev]

I hope you will feel better and I hope you will find this forum useful

Some books I can recommend: You can heal your life by Louise L Hay. The power of now by Eckhart Tolle. Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch.

-

Thanks for the suggestions. I will have to check them out as soon as I get the chance.

 

[Capsaicin]

Talent is overrated.

I want to be a published writer or at least one with an online following in the future, and I always tell myself not to wait for that big whopper of a story to fall out of the sky onto my word processor or to gain a cult following on my first (or next) try. I use schedules, I use outlines, I read about niches, I even use word counts and daily word counts - things some people would say make it quantity over quality or ruin the magic. I'll be the one with a finished m****cript in another couple of months, though.

What helped me reach this state is a quote credited to Stephen King, "Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work."

I think it applies to life on a much broader scale, too. Skill and the work ethic to pull something off is more important than raw talent, and skill is the knowledge of how to use and work with something in a practical and assured way that you only gain through experience and familiarity. Sure, occasionally we'll hear about some savant teenager who can mess with Microsoft or train dogs to do amazing things (I don't even know about this one), but for the most part those fields are made up of people who cultivated a skill for it out of preferences.

If you don't feel that you have talents, then focus on skills. Look at what motivates you, what comes naturally (even if you're not on par with professionals yet), and what you think needs to be done in the world.

Many people aren't sure about their majors, also... It's something that can get changed around a lot over the course of a year or two as they learn about the idea vs the reality of a field. Sometimes people work in a field for 10, 20, or even 30 years, and then you hear about them on an advice column where they're talking about how it's all wrong for them and they feel like they're in a rut. It's not always something you just "know" near the end of high school and skip off to do.

 

[chev]

Talent is overrated.

I want to be a published writer or at least one with an online following in the future, and I always tell myself not to wait for that big whopper of a story to fall out of the sky onto my word processor or to gain a cult following on my first (or next) try. I use schedules, I use outlines, I read about niches, I even use word counts and daily word counts - things some people would say make it quantity over quality or ruin the magic. I'll be the one with a finished m****cript in another couple of months, though.

What helped me reach this state is a quote credited to Stephen King, "Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work."

I think it applies to life on a much broader scale, too. Skill and the work ethic to pull something off is more important than raw talent, and skill is the knowledge of how to use and work with something in a practical and assured way that you only gain through experience and familiarity. Sure, occasionally we'll hear about some savant teenager who can mess with Microsoft or train dogs to do amazing things (I don't even know about this one), but for the most part those fields are made up of people who cultivated a skill for it out of preferences.

If you don't feel that you have talents, then focus on skills. Look at what motivates you, what comes naturally (even if you're not on par with professionals yet), and what you think needs to be done in the world.

Many people aren't sure about their majors, also... It's something that can get changed around a lot over the course of a year or two as they learn about the idea vs the reality of a field. Sometimes people work in a field for 10, 20, or even 30 years, and then you hear about them on an advice column where they're talking about how it's all wrong for them and they feel like they're in a rut. It's not always something you just "know" near the end of high school and skip off to do.

Thanks for your response. This all makes sense, yet I still feel like I am always going to be unhappy with myself. I am afraid that no matter what I do I am just going to continue to feel inadequate. Even though I know many others struggle with figuring out what they want to do, I still am disappointed in myself for not having truly figured it out yet. I'm almost done with college and just feel that all my time has been a waste because of still being unsure. Now, I'm expected to know what I want to do, and I get a lot of anxiety when people react to me telling them that I'm still not certain what kind of job I am looking for. I wish I could just tell myself it is all overrated and not care so much, but I can't so easily force myself into thinking like this.

 

[oddOne]

Okay, so I apologize ahead of time if this is a lengthy post, but I just really am feeling extra scared and alone lately and need some help. I have had low self esteem since grade school, but these past few years have really torn me apart. My depression started when I was about 11 and continues to worsen each year. I'm 21 now and already feel as though I've f*ed up my life. At least when I was younger, I had some false hope that I could accomplish something when I'd get older. I knew I was ugly, but I didn't view myself as COMPLETELY worthless. Somehow, I considered myself to have a little bit of talent and felt that I was kind of smart. I know I'm still young or whatever, however, I just don't think that I'm going to achieve anything anymore. Once I got to high school I no longer believed I had any talent, and as far as intelligence, I felt as though I was just smart because I tried really hard in school. Now, I feel as though I am nothing. I am even more hideous than ever, I don’t have any talent or skills in anything, and I no longer feel that I have any intelligence. I don’t even feel that I am average when it comes to being smart now...I feel like the most idiotic, dumb human ever. I just really hate myself right now! It feels like I’ve wasted my entire college career too. I spent the last couple of years trying to figure out who I am and decide on a new major but did not have any luck. Am I so pathetic since I cannot even decide what’s best for me?! Everyone else knows what they’re good at and what they enjoy, and I thought I used to know that but now I don’t. Of course, when it matters most, that's when I am completely lost.

Anyway, all of these insecurities are taking a toll on my confidence/ability to be comfortable around others. I’ve always had a little bit of social anxiety, but again, this is something that has been getting A LOT WORSE in the past few years. Already, I have mentioned how dumb I feel that I am, but I think that I end up just making myself appear to be even more dumb to others because of how I act around them. I just get so scared and intimidated by other people that I cannot speak clearly or say what I’m thinking. I cannot make any friends because of my low self-confidence either. I see other people connect with each other right away, but it takes me forever to get close to anyone. Since I am so socially awkward, I also feel as though people would be creeped out by me if I tried to become their friend. I know I need to stop thinking like this because then I’ll never make any friends, but these thoughts always cloud my mind. Whenever I do make “new friends,” it never lasts long. I usually have to be the one to contact the other person, as it seems that others are never interested in keeping me as a friend. I’m not interesting enough to other people, apparently.

OK, that's a lot to tackle [especially since I'm in bed right now] . . . but, since I found myself relating to much of your post, I figured it'd be worth enduring the thumb cramps of at least partially addressing this first chunk via my mobile.

As others in this thread have already suggested, your ability to properly express ideas is at least a start; hell, miscommunication costs countless dollars and lives EVERYDAY!

. . . I had some other things . . . but I'm fading in and out of consciousness at the moment . . . so, I'll wrap this up later...



:: sent from my HTC EVO 3D ::

 

[laure15]

I can also relate so much to what's being said on here. Thanks for making this thread and everyone for contributing. I'm also trying to find my way through this world.

 

[chev]

Sorry I haven't responded in a while. I got a little busy these past couple of weeks. I just want to make sure to let everyone know that I do really appreciate the help/support that you all have given me. Since it has been a couple of weeks, I also want to recount that I have been doing a smidgen better than I was. Keeping busy has kept me a little distracted, I guess. I still want and need to find the time to do some things that make me feel better about myself, but at least the hectic schedule that I have had has allowed me to focus my attention away from my depression a little bit better. One thing I want to mention is that I finally have found a class this semester that I think I might gain a little direction from. Although I know I still will always feel incompetent in just about every field, I have a bit of hope from taking this class that I can get a better idea what I want to do when I am out of college.

 

[TLB]

You have my support.