Social phobia & neighbours.

[uk_27]

I have yet to 'break the ice' with some of my neighbours. I bought my house 3 years ago and apart from a 12 month gap where I lived somewhere else (long story!) I have spent the remaining time here.

I always check through the spy hole in the front door to make sure the street is clear before leaving the house. If I happen to see them across the street I tend to panic a bit, pretend not to see them or if that is unavoidable I just give them a quick wave and 'Morning!' as I hurry into my car. I feel I am being really rude and the situation it's starting to really bother me!

Some new people moved in next door last year and when one of their dog’s toys came over the fence I made myself go and knock on their door, return the toy and introduce myself. They seemed really nice people and my anxiety faded quickly (This is rare!). Now every time I see them I am quite happy to engage them in conversation for a bit and it is relaxed.

Why can't I have this approach with the people opposite who have been my neighbours much longer?! I keep imagining how miserable and rude they must think I am and it really gets to me.

I am sure many people must have or have had a similar situation?! How do I combat this situation and leave it in the past?!

 

[chris1986]

Im the same. I dont like to get close to them.

 

[Hoppy]

How many times have your neighbours approached you?

So many people have this image of neighbours being friends and visiting each other, and I've never seen or experienced it. My parents have been living in the same house now since 1980, 33 years and in all that time, with many different people, I don't believe they have been visited more than 20 times. And they have never visited them.

 

[jaim38]

I'm scared and ashamed to see my neighbors. My mom called the cops on them several times because she thinks they use magical devices to harass us, including making our cameras malfunction and triggering sleepwalking/seizures in my dad. She even tried to sue them. Obviously, I experience social phobia every time I venture out of my house.

Plus the neighbors across from us think my mom's weird. I could tell she pities my mom and tries to get her to go to church. But I've heard things coming out of her mouth like calling my mom stupid and avoiding my mom whenever she could. Of course who would want to associate with my mom? Her friends have left her and even some of her relatives too.

But, I would rather live here than in the apartments where my social phobia's much worse. I cannot find 100% happiness but this is definitely way better compared to 2-4 years ago.

 

[uk_27]

How many times have your neighbours approached you?

So many people have this image of neighbours being friends and visiting each other, and I've never seen or experienced it. My parents have been living in the same house now since 1980, 33 years and in all that time, with many different people, I don't believe they have been visited more than 20 times. And they have never visited them.

Visiting each other? Whoa Nelly! I have no desire to to have a relationship with my neighbours like you see on the TV soaps.

It would just be nice to be able to introduce myself for the first time in 3 years and find out their names.

 

[mikebird]

My best neighbour

is someone else's cat that bounces fast to greet me every moment I open the front door or return home or get in / out of the car; she's excited if she hasn't seen me for a few days or wants to shelter from rain or cold.

There's more to 30 minutes stroking her while she rolls over onto her back wiggling and waving her paws and bounces into my face from her hind legs, nuzzling, indoors or outdoors; than with any human.

Rare that I see anyone else in the car park or on the street towards town or back. I'n not in the suburbs. Any car ice scraping is the only way I communicate with anyone. I really like it outside when there is nobody around... 3am dark or lunch times. I sit alone with head in hands, scratching and relaxing in the breeze or rain. I never go out when families are busy packing the car and slamming the doors and going in and out.

 

[neardeath]

I have a welcome sign on my apartment door that I made in an outpatient psych setting in January. I think I should take it down and put something else on the door. I laugh every time I look at it. I am even uncomfortable with visits with my own family. If I knew how to change it, I'd tell you! At least my cat likes to answer the door.

It's not the initial interaction with people that kills me, it's setting the boundaries and being true to myself. Recent friendships have been so hard to manage at all.

Good luck with the neighbors! Go with your gut feeling. If it's comfortable take it up a notch and see what happens.

 

[neardeath]

My best neighbour

is someone else's cat that bounces fast to greet me every moment I open the front door or return home or get in / out of the car; she's excited if she hasn't seen me for a few days or wants to shelter from rain or cold.

There's more to 30 minutes stroking her while she rolls over onto her back wiggling and waving her paws and bounces into my face from her hind legs, nuzzling, indoors or outdoors; than with any human.

Rare that I see anyone else in the car park or on the street towards town or back. I'n not in the suburbs. Any car ice scraping is the only way I communicate with anyone. I really like it outside when there is nobody around... 3am dark or lunch times. I sit alone with head in hands, scratching and relaxing in the breeze or rain. I never go out when families are busy packing the car and slamming the doors and going in and out.

Hooray for cats, ice-scraping-communication, and scratching and relaxing in the breeze! Oh, and 3am.

 

[uk_27]

I agree. Apartments (or flats as they're called in the UK are much worse. I have to think about corridors, lifts, stairs and communal areas.

Glad you're happier!

 

[uk_27]

"If it's comfortable take it up the notch and see what happens" I like that. :-D

Best advise so far! Thanks dude.

 

[chev]

I haven't ever introduced myself to any of my neighbors either. I don't really see them much, but when I do ever pass by any of them all I can do is smile quickly then look down at the ground awkwardly. On rare occasions I can say "hi," but only if the other person says it first.

It seems that I have come across as rude to people in my life as well. Like you, I feel bad when I can somehow break through my wall of fear and connect with certain people but not others. If I'm not thinking about myself/my insecurities, I can talk to others easier, so the people who come across me at these times are much more likely to get to know me. It may be easier for you to talk to your newer neighbors for the mere fact that they are right next door, plus the fact that a situation occurred where you felt you could go talk to them. I'm sure if your other neighbors had something fall in your yard, you'd be able to work up the courage to go talk to them more.

 

[JuiceB]

I think I mentioned this once before on this forum. I've lived here since 2001 and I have yet to introduce myself to my neighbors. I see them passing by every now and then but that's it.

 

[jc972]

In April, I bought a house in a subdivision in the city, more on the outskirts. We had lived in the country since 2005 but this was a good buy. I put cameras on the corners of the home, above the doors, and installed motion lights, installed steel doors and bars over the windows. Some of the neighbors came to meet me when I was moving, I was cordial but not chatty. They wave at us and we wave back but they leave us alone. The girl next door told my wife that the whole neighborhood refers to my house as "the compound" like I'm some radical nut job or something :sarcastic: :lol:

 

[conscious_mindz]

I live in a block of apartments with a communal rubbish store, communal parking, communal hallways etc.. so avoiding neighbours is virtually impossible. I have had noise problems with the person living above me so i have had to confront him about it which doubles up my anxiety,

Its also awkward bumping into neighbours in the hallways & rubbish store, sometimes i can get away with a small talk conversation, then on other days i feel too fragile, i can already notice some neighbours have picked up on my SA awkwardness so in turn they start to act awkward around me.

The worst for me is that my letter box is downstairs in the hallways so if i want to collect my mail its like a military operation, i check my spy hole to make sure no ones there, then i nip out & whizz through the hallways trying to dodge neighbours, then i got a corner to go round when sometimes a neighbour walks through & catches me unaware, then i quickly get my mail & try & get back into my apartment without being seen or heard

Its madness when i sit & think about it, I just hate apartment living there are just too many neighbours around & its no good if you suffer with SA, some neighbours i can get on ok with but 70% im sure think im a weird / awkward / loner that they would rather not engage into conversation with.

I hope oneday i could afford a house as it can't be as bad as apartment living regarding neighbours

 

[Silatuyok]

What is your motivation for wanting to be more friendly? So they don't think you are unfriendly? Personally, I don't see anything wrong with a neighbor who doesn't want to be on friendly terms. A nod and a wave are about all I want from my neighbors and I wish most times it's all I would get from them. What's wrong with being asocial if that's who you are? You might get more than you bargained for if you make an effort to make them think you are the friendly chatty neighborly type.

 

[neardeath]

I have a welcome sign on my apartment door that I made in an outpatient psych setting in January. I think I should take it down and put something else on the door. I laugh every time I look at it. I am even uncomfortable with visits with my own family. If I knew how to change it, I'd tell you! At least my cat likes to answer the door.

It's not the initial interaction with people that kills me, it's setting the boundaries and being true to myself. Recent friendships have been so hard to manage at all.

Good luck with the neighbors! Go with your gut feeling. If it's comfortable take it up a notch and see what happens.

I just took my nuthouse welcome sign off the door. :applause:

 

[theoutsider]

In my old neighborhood, my neighbors were nice but sometimes almost intrusive. They would insist I come out and attend their community barbecues and Christmas parties. It was okay but I really felt out of place and wanted to leave as soon as it was politely possible. One horrid experience I had was when a bunch of them were going door to door singing Christmas carols (I know, real old fashioned stuff...lol). I saw them coming when they were about 5 houses away. I started to panic, knowing they would be at my home soon so I turned off the lights and headed down into the basement hoping they would think nobody was home. The truth is, I haven't a clue what to do if a group of people shows up at your door and starts singing. Do I sing along with them? Clap? Offer them something to eat? I don't know for sure but I do know what would have happened. I would have stood there grinning and frozen in place like an idiot. My attempts at avoidance worked but I suspected afterwards that they knew what I did and it made me feel guilty. They must have thought I was a real scrooge. The truth is I love the Christmas season and really get into the spirit. I just didn't know what to do in that situation.