etoiledemer
New member
I could use some advice...
I'm new to this forum. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. For a long time I always thought I was just really, really shy. But I'm 27 and have never had a real job because I can't face people. I'm an RN as of last summer but can't find a job in this economy (it's very difficult to get hired as a new RN these days) and I'm secretly sort of happy about that because I'm terrified of getting a job and being inadequate at it. I lived with my boyfriend in nursing school, and now I am back with my parents for financial reasons. They support me completely, and they don't ever complain, though I long to be independent.
Recently my boyfriend (of 3 years) and I have been on the verge of breaking up. He does not understand my anxiety. We just had a huge fight (again) about how I won't stay over at his place. I don't understand why I don't want to - it just doesn't feel comfortable. I don't know if it's because I subconsciously fear my parents judging me for some reason (??) or because he doesn't really get along with my mom (who I have to rely on for everything), or because I just get anxious when I don't sleep in my own bed, or because my mom says that my 15 year old dog (he's like my child) looks for me when I'm not home and I feel guilty for not being there with him... I don't understand exactly why I don't want to stay at my boyfriend's place - I only know that I don't want to. He says he misses waking up next to me like when we lived together, and I feel terrible for not feeling the same. He's more affectionate than I am, he surprises me with little things, and I never do the same for him. It's just not who I am. I don't even particularly like being touched (by anyone - including him).
I want everything to stay the same in our relationship, minus the hassling I get for, as my boyfriend describes it, "seeming like I don't care." I understand where he's coming from, but I don't know how to change. I want to be different. I want to be affectionate and carefree and all that, but I feel like there is a physical, tangible wall between me and who I want to be. I don't know how to get to the other side, and my relationship is falling apart because of it.
After a big argument about it last night I emailed my boyfriend a few paragraphs I found online today about having social anxiety and not feeling understood by the people in our lives because of it. He responded that he didn't know until this point what I was experiencing, that he wouldn't leave me... but a few hours later he added "but seriously I didn't realize it was THAT debilitating..." I don't even know what to say to him. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of being misunderstood, and I'm at the point where I wonder if I can stay with him because he will always believe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. He seems to think I have some weird attachment to my parents and won't believe otherwise. But really I just mostly want to be alone - not near him or my parents or anyone. I want sooo badly to be self-sufficient, and I fantasize about disppearing to some strange place where I can start over. This is impossible - I have no job aka no income, and I get uncomfortable when I'm alone in public, and I do love all the people in my life.
He's a good guy and I don't want to throw this relationship away. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anything to give him. He says he loves me and he says he would never leave me because of any of this and I believe that.... but I don't believe that he will ever stop making me feel guilty about it, deliberately or otherwise. He acts like I'm keeping some secret and that if he keeps bringing up how I won't stay over or how I'm not affectionate enough, that eventually I'll crack and admit to him the "real reason." But there is no "real" reason other than that I want to sleep in my own bed at night - alone. He says that must mean I don't care... but I do care. So... I have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm at an all-time low in my life. He's recently become so frustrated that he's started saying mean things about my "attachment" to my parents and my inability to grow up.
I could really use some advice on how to handle the situation, from someone who has been here or understands my point of view here.
For the record: I have tried paxil, then celexa, then prozac, and now wellbutrin which I started about two weeks ago. None of the previous three helped, and I have yet to feel any of the effects of the wellbutrin.
I haven't told my boyfriend yet that I'm taking the wellbutrin, because I'm afraid of him not undertanding and getting false hope that it will be some miracle cure.
I'm new to this forum. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. For a long time I always thought I was just really, really shy. But I'm 27 and have never had a real job because I can't face people. I'm an RN as of last summer but can't find a job in this economy (it's very difficult to get hired as a new RN these days) and I'm secretly sort of happy about that because I'm terrified of getting a job and being inadequate at it. I lived with my boyfriend in nursing school, and now I am back with my parents for financial reasons. They support me completely, and they don't ever complain, though I long to be independent.
Recently my boyfriend (of 3 years) and I have been on the verge of breaking up. He does not understand my anxiety. We just had a huge fight (again) about how I won't stay over at his place. I don't understand why I don't want to - it just doesn't feel comfortable. I don't know if it's because I subconsciously fear my parents judging me for some reason (??) or because he doesn't really get along with my mom (who I have to rely on for everything), or because I just get anxious when I don't sleep in my own bed, or because my mom says that my 15 year old dog (he's like my child) looks for me when I'm not home and I feel guilty for not being there with him... I don't understand exactly why I don't want to stay at my boyfriend's place - I only know that I don't want to. He says he misses waking up next to me like when we lived together, and I feel terrible for not feeling the same. He's more affectionate than I am, he surprises me with little things, and I never do the same for him. It's just not who I am. I don't even particularly like being touched (by anyone - including him).
I want everything to stay the same in our relationship, minus the hassling I get for, as my boyfriend describes it, "seeming like I don't care." I understand where he's coming from, but I don't know how to change. I want to be different. I want to be affectionate and carefree and all that, but I feel like there is a physical, tangible wall between me and who I want to be. I don't know how to get to the other side, and my relationship is falling apart because of it.
After a big argument about it last night I emailed my boyfriend a few paragraphs I found online today about having social anxiety and not feeling understood by the people in our lives because of it. He responded that he didn't know until this point what I was experiencing, that he wouldn't leave me... but a few hours later he added "but seriously I didn't realize it was THAT debilitating..." I don't even know what to say to him. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of being misunderstood, and I'm at the point where I wonder if I can stay with him because he will always believe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. He seems to think I have some weird attachment to my parents and won't believe otherwise. But really I just mostly want to be alone - not near him or my parents or anyone. I want sooo badly to be self-sufficient, and I fantasize about disppearing to some strange place where I can start over. This is impossible - I have no job aka no income, and I get uncomfortable when I'm alone in public, and I do love all the people in my life.
He's a good guy and I don't want to throw this relationship away. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anything to give him. He says he loves me and he says he would never leave me because of any of this and I believe that.... but I don't believe that he will ever stop making me feel guilty about it, deliberately or otherwise. He acts like I'm keeping some secret and that if he keeps bringing up how I won't stay over or how I'm not affectionate enough, that eventually I'll crack and admit to him the "real reason." But there is no "real" reason other than that I want to sleep in my own bed at night - alone. He says that must mean I don't care... but I do care. So... I have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm at an all-time low in my life. He's recently become so frustrated that he's started saying mean things about my "attachment" to my parents and my inability to grow up.
I could really use some advice on how to handle the situation, from someone who has been here or understands my point of view here.
For the record: I have tried paxil, then celexa, then prozac, and now wellbutrin which I started about two weeks ago. None of the previous three helped, and I have yet to feel any of the effects of the wellbutrin.
I haven't told my boyfriend yet that I'm taking the wellbutrin, because I'm afraid of him not undertanding and getting false hope that it will be some miracle cure.