SA is destroying my relationship - help!

[etoiledemer]

I could use some advice...

I'm new to this forum. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. For a long time I always thought I was just really, really shy. But I'm 27 and have never had a real job because I can't face people. I'm an RN as of last summer but can't find a job in this economy (it's very difficult to get hired as a new RN these days) and I'm secretly sort of happy about that because I'm terrified of getting a job and being inadequate at it. I lived with my boyfriend in nursing school, and now I am back with my parents for financial reasons. They support me completely, and they don't ever complain, though I long to be independent.

Recently my boyfriend (of 3 years) and I have been on the verge of breaking up. He does not understand my anxiety. We just had a huge fight (again) about how I won't stay over at his place. I don't understand why I don't want to - it just doesn't feel comfortable. I don't know if it's because I subconsciously fear my parents judging me for some reason (??) or because he doesn't really get along with my mom (who I have to rely on for everything), or because I just get anxious when I don't sleep in my own bed, or because my mom says that my 15 year old dog (he's like my child) looks for me when I'm not home and I feel guilty for not being there with him... I don't understand exactly why I don't want to stay at my boyfriend's place - I only know that I don't want to. He says he misses waking up next to me like when we lived together, and I feel terrible for not feeling the same. He's more affectionate than I am, he surprises me with little things, and I never do the same for him. It's just not who I am. I don't even particularly like being touched (by anyone - including him).

I want everything to stay the same in our relationship, minus the hassling I get for, as my boyfriend describes it, "seeming like I don't care." I understand where he's coming from, but I don't know how to change. I want to be different. I want to be affectionate and carefree and all that, but I feel like there is a physical, tangible wall between me and who I want to be. I don't know how to get to the other side, and my relationship is falling apart because of it.

After a big argument about it last night I emailed my boyfriend a few paragraphs I found online today about having social anxiety and not feeling understood by the people in our lives because of it. He responded that he didn't know until this point what I was experiencing, that he wouldn't leave me... but a few hours later he added "but seriously I didn't realize it was THAT debilitating..." I don't even know what to say to him. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of being misunderstood, and I'm at the point where I wonder if I can stay with him because he will always believe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. He seems to think I have some weird attachment to my parents and won't believe otherwise. But really I just mostly want to be alone - not near him or my parents or anyone. I want sooo badly to be self-sufficient, and I fantasize about disppearing to some strange place where I can start over. This is impossible - I have no job aka no income, and I get uncomfortable when I'm alone in public, and I do love all the people in my life.

He's a good guy and I don't want to throw this relationship away. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anything to give him. He says he loves me and he says he would never leave me because of any of this and I believe that.... but I don't believe that he will ever stop making me feel guilty about it, deliberately or otherwise. He acts like I'm keeping some secret and that if he keeps bringing up how I won't stay over or how I'm not affectionate enough, that eventually I'll crack and admit to him the "real reason." But there is no "real" reason other than that I want to sleep in my own bed at night - alone. He says that must mean I don't care... but I do care. So... I have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm at an all-time low in my life. He's recently become so frustrated that he's started saying mean things about my "attachment" to my parents and my inability to grow up.

I could really use some advice on how to handle the situation, from someone who has been here or understands my point of view here.

For the record: I have tried paxil, then celexa, then prozac, and now wellbutrin which I started about two weeks ago. None of the previous three helped, and I have yet to feel any of the effects of the wellbutrin.

I haven't told my boyfriend yet that I'm taking the wellbutrin, because I'm afraid of him not undertanding and getting false hope that it will be some miracle cure.

 

[etoiledemer]

Oh wow... no replies. 36 people have read this and none of you have opinions. Cool. Thanks, I'm so glad I joined this website.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well, sarcasm is fine.
Sometimes people can't think of anything positive to say.

Agoraphobia was one of the main things that made my only realtionship end. It was painful.
He didn't understand anxiety or depression or any of my physical illnesses.
He thought I was 'faking' it.
And it took him 8 years before he decided to leave.

It was alot of constant work on myself and on our relationship-- work for both of us; not just me.

I suggest you make a list of things that you *could* do to make the relationship work.
Rate them from 'doable' to the hardest ones ('impossible') and see how many are doable, and then try to work on one at a time.

He could also make a list of things he can do.
Work on yourselves; work on your relationship together and ask yourself if you could continue working through it years down the road.

There's never any easy answer.

I'm sorry I couldn't read through your entire post-- it's a bit too long for me to understand what's being said, so excuse me if I've said anything that sounds stupid or that you're already doing.

 

[Dark_Angel]

ur first message shows somehow u are a bit selfish person , the second one shows ur sarcams in the bad way , anyways i guess that as Weirdy said everyone of u both have to work on ur relationship , from what u said ur bf is a nice guy that really loves u , but one day a wise person said me that love/relationship is like a flower and where u are the earth and he is the water , if u put too much water the flower will drown and if u will put too much earth it will choke . So u both need to put ur side , u should make some efforts in those things , i understand that we have SA and that maybe the things for us are more difficult than someone without it but still we need to improve our selfes and try so hard do it , its not just i cant do it , nothing in the life is easy but if u really love him and want ur rship to work as he showes u his love in his way u should do the same maybe overcoming ur fears or the problems that have to be solved othgeter with ur bf. the most wonderful thing possible its a 2sided rship in which girl and guy both work tohgeter for have a strong and happy life

 

[O'Killian]

I've read your whole post, and while I can agree that it's an awful situation, I'm not sure whether any advice I can offer is especially pertinent. I imagine that's the same for many of the folk who've viewed the thread.

I can offer condolences, but the words are thin coming from a stranger. My best advice, all that's worked for me, is to talk it out. Anonymously, with family, on a messageboard, whatever. That's helped me sort things out, arrange my priorities, and to some degree understand myself. Saying you want to do something and screwing up the courage to do something are wildly different things. I'm not sure myself how you get from point A to point B, and I imagine it's a bit different for everyone.

I'm not sure that's useful to you. I'm hardly one to ask about relationships, and you seem to have already done what you can to make your boyfriend understand your feelings and your situation. Just keep working at it. If you want to change, ask him for help, and try to come up with ways he actually can help, like Weirdy said.

That's not much, but it's the best I can think of with what I know.

 

[Silatuyok]

Are you in the US? You could try joining the Navy---they hire new RNs. It sounds like getting away would be good for you.

 

[Kat]

I’m not sure how his relationship is with your mum some differences can’t be solved but as long it’s not so bad you do not have to isolate yourself completely from your family. It may not be perfect but there’s a little peace in that.

If he says he loves you and he is not going to leave you over something like this I’d work on making a few compromises. It may require therapy but If you want change to happen it sounds like you need to make it clear to yourself as to what you really want. I know I'm not being very elaborate and the advice is probably fairly obvious but becoming independent is making your own decisions.

Maybe you need to do some self reflection and see where your life is heading and set some goals as to where you would like it to go. It’s difficult with problems like these because we don’t fulfill the normal expectations of the common individual.

I think you have to find your balance that works even if it’s a bit unconventional.

It’s going to take you willing to try and push through some of your irrational thinking and some understanding on his part but not to the point where it’s enabling. I think if people are willing to make it work they will do what they can to make it happen. Just remember

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ― Neale Donald Walsch

 

[etoiledemer]

Thanks to all who have responded and apologies for the sarcasm. I am at the lowest point of my life thus far and it's frustrating to not know what to do. I read in multiple places that joining a supportive message board can help, even if you just read others' posts to feel better about your own life. I already have a huge problem verbalizing my personal problems and when I do I almost immediately experience massive regret. That's what I was feeling when I saw 36 people had viewed and zero responded. Everyone has opinions and those of us with social anxiety usually have way too much time to spend on our computers so the lack of responses bothered me. Being called selfish by the second user (dark angel) was interesting... Isn't that a huge part of social anxiety? Worrying what others think of us and how we'll perform in social interactions? Is dark angel never selfish? I guess not. To me everyone appears selfish when they're whining about their personal problems amongst strangers. Everyone has to be a bit selfish sometimes to survive. I do already have a low opinion of myself and think many terrible things about myself, but selfish by nature I am not.
Thank you to those of you who responded politely despite my impolite sarcasm. And thank you for all the advice offered, it is useful to me even if you think it's not because it helps to know what others think, if nothing else just so I don't feel quite as alone.

@absolutely_sweet_marie... I have looked into the military but the # of nurses they currently accept is extremely small these days, and from what research I've gathered they do not accept new graduates (ie they want only experienced nurses, same as 99.999% of nursing employers right now). I agree, it'd be great to get away.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I don't have much relationship advice to offer but can sympathize on your nursing degree situation. I work in the medical field and see LVNs with years of experience go on to get their RN, yet the places they've been working at won't promote them! And RNs who have been working for years and can't move up because they don't have a BSN. It's a tough time for those who are trying to get started!

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

I missed this thread when i was out of town last week.

Since you're taking a prescription medication, i assume you're seeing a doctor. Are you receiving counseling as well?

there seems to be no shortage of nursing jobs in my area - particularly for someone with an RN/BSN

 

[Silatuyok]

@absolutely_sweet_marie... I have looked into the military but the # of nurses they currently accept is extremely small these days, and from what research I've gathered they do not accept new graduates (ie they want only experienced nurses, same as 99.999% of nursing employers right now). I agree, it'd be great to get away.

I know the whole nursing dilemma thing is rough. New grads can't get jobs, even though there's a huge demand for good nurses. And old, burnt-out nurses refuse to retire because they're making huge money.
Still, it'd be worth it to at least call a recruiter. I know several new nurses who got into the Navy, and they really enjoy it. There can be a long wait, though.
I've heard that California is a good place to get a nursing job, as well.
Best of luck to you.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I've heard that California is a good place to get a nursing job, as well.

Not in the San Francisco Bay Area! It's extremely difficult! I've heard it's easier in the Los Angeles and Central Valley areas though.

 

[Waybuloo]

ur first message shows somehow u are a bit selfish person , the second one shows ur sarcams in the bad way , anyways i guess that as Weirdy said everyone of u both have to work on ur relationship , from what u said ur bf is a nice guy that really loves u , but one day a wise person said me that love/relationship is like a flower and where u are the earth and he is the water , if u put too much water the flower will drown and if u will put too much earth it will choke . So u both need to put ur side , u should make some efforts in those things , i understand that we have SA and that maybe the things for us are more difficult than someone without it but still we need to improve our selfes and try so hard do it , its not just i cant do it , nothing in the life is easy but if u really love him and want ur rship to work as he showes u his love in his way u should do the same maybe overcoming ur fears or the problems that have to be solved othgeter with ur bf. the most wonderful thing possible its a 2sided rship in which girl and guy both work tohgeter for have a strong and happy life

How is she a selfish person? She has problem getting close and staying close to people, it could just be the way she is or a personality disorder. If she is selfish she would be having affairs, getting them to shower her with presents and money and attention. She clearly feels guilty for not being able to connect at the level preferred by her bf.

To the OP, I think you are not compatible with him. I don't know why you are like this or whether you were like this with your past bfs. Maybe you should talk to a therapist, who would have a good perspective on normal and abnormal behaviour. I have the opposite problem, I can be too needy, even though I am anxious and insecure. I think you should have a break from the relationship and work on discovering if your behaviour is normal with or without professional help.

 

[Silatuyok]

Not in the San Francisco Bay Area! It's extremely difficult! I've heard it's easier in the Los Angeles and Central Valley areas though.

Interesting that you should say so. My sister had to move from Indiana to San Francisco because that is the only place she could find a job. But that was over a year ago so maybe things have changed.