Question for those who used to be "house-bound"

[Luthien]

Hi all. I've been house bound for more than a year now. I live in a pretty small town full of super nice people, but I'm terrified to go out. One of the reasons is that even though I don't know a lot people here, they're all SO nice, I know they would talk to me. People always talk to me, I'm an artist and it really shows. But there's more. My boyfriend and my sister both work at a cafe in town and talk to everyone about what's going on with me. I'm really freaked out about meeting people and having them already know all about me...

I would like to start going out a bit. I miss going for walks so much it makes me want to cry. I was thinking maybe if I went for bike rides then people wouldn't talk to me, but I'm still so nervous.

I'd really like to hear other people's stories about how they broke through to going out again. Sometimes it feels like the longer I stay inside, the harder it gets to go out. I want to break through... How did you do it?

 

[Luna1740]

Hey, first let me say that you are not alone at all. I've been having severe panic attacks and have been incapable on even walking out my front door for the past couple weeks, the only thing that seems to work for me (to keep me from going crazy) is that I've done it all before, I've been outside, I've talked to people, I've done it, and I feel that if i can really accept that nothing is going to hurt me and that it can be done then it'll help a lot, I don't know, just thoughts from someone who knows how you feel

also, with the whole being worried that everyone will already have preconceived thoughts, I've been there as well and what got me through that was that on the very off chance that someone does, then all you have to do is talk to them and they will see what a beautiful person you are, and once you actually do start to put yourself out there (baby steps) then each time will build your confidence and I promise that it will start to get easier you just have to take your time believe me it will get easier because if one person can do it than another one can

 

[FOR REAL]

i would love to go for walks, i used to walk for miles and i loved it

as for bike rides, no chance for me.

people in the outside world are really great theres a few people that may try to put you down, but i say just ignore them.

 

[Luthien]

right, I think if I could ignore them, I wouldn't be here...

 

[lunarla]

I have weeks where I don't leave the house (sometimes months), but for me if I have a strong obligation it'll usually get me out there at least for a day.

 

[Ignace]

Since like 4 years I've never been out of the house except for school...

 

[Newtype]

Never been out of the house in 10 years except to go to skool.

 

[dooby-duck]

I've never been house bound but I'd only go somewhere if I had to. I wouldn't go out if I didn't need to. I started cycling one time a week just to get out for a bit of pleasure. After about a year of that I started cycling every evening. This really pushed my boundaries a lot at first but after a few weeks I got a lot less anxious about it and actually enjoyed it. I hate walking but find cycling strangely liberating. I can go quickly past any people so there is no chance for them to speak to me.

 

[Hellhound]

I wish I could give some advice, but I'm struggling with that too... I go out only once a week, maybe twice if there's something to do I either have no activity to do, I'm afraid to do it or i just have no motivation to do it...

 

[Luthien]

I was house bound. Last year ALL year. Just rejected all my friends, dumped my gf and then...well rough times with a halucinogenic pill. But after thati was housebound for like 1 year. Just stayed in house and played warcraft III online.

Damn i still cant belive i've done that. I just rejected all around me cause of hatred for this SP, maybe to get revenged still can understand what was in my head

Now, since i lost all my friends, gf and i'm in another country, it could be said i;m still housebound. I mean i go everywhere with my aunt, i do small chit chat here and there but still i have noone to go out with. These 2 days i have nothing to do but just...stay in house. damn i go crazy staying indoors

ok to get to the point, u say u are an artist, how do u work, what do u work exactly ? i see u have a BF, go out with him when he finishes job. friends ? i presume not cause if so problem is half solved, u go out with them. and by friends, in our care (social phobics), i understand ppl that you feel comfortable around.

mostly, u should look for other artists in that area u can hang out with, having a common hobbie always helps. ussualy artists are less understood by normal ppl, cause art by itself is hard to understand.

did your mom told others about your social anxiety ? well i hate that too, my mom also did that although i told her NOT to. well it shows anyway in the end, so...don;t bother covering it. do u try to hide your fear ?

Okay, first off, I don't work. I get SSI so that my part of rent and bills are covered with a little bit left over for art supplies. I've never really been able to work, it's always made me feel like I was totally empty. I'm a very sensitive and complicated person. If I don't like the person I work for, I hate my job and couldn't care less about it. Working more than a couple days a week makes me feel emotionally exhausted and I don't want to do ANYTHING but sit around and drink beer. I know myself and that I don't like to work and that's why I was homeless for many years. I'd rather live under a bridge than do the 9-5. But right now, because of my SP, I need a place where I can heal. I'm really hoping that I can start selling my art to make a living, but when I think about money I totally panic. Money is a huge source of anxiety for me.

When it comes to friends, I don't have many. I have one girl, Kaili, that comes over every so often. But mostly I am really freaked out by people. I'm never 100% myself around other people and that is one of the things that makes me panic. I feel totally stifled by my own unconscious mind picking apart everything I do and say, I even have trouble being around my sister and my boyfriend. Every so often, I have to be completely alone for a few days so I can recharge just from hanging out with them.

I have always felt like a round peg in a square hole. I don't fit in with anyone! When I was in highschool the freaks didn't like me cause I was a book worm and the nerds didn't like me cause I dressed weird and had blue hair. I have a hard time connecting with other people, even other artists. It's incredibly rare for me to even find another artist who I connect with. Even artists don't understand me! I just feel so much on the outside, like my brain works in a totally different way than most people.

Another problem with "friends" is that I compulsively try to take care of EVERYONE. If someone needs a place to stay, I instantly offer up my space and then regret it later. Anything, and especially my time and energy, I will hand out until it's all gone and I totally crash. I always seem to end up being everyone's therapist and I really can't do that anymore, I need to take care of me for once.

I think my mom talks to others about my anxiety, but I really don't mind. She lives 3,000 miles away, so it doesn't affect me at all. And I didn't really have anxiety when I lived with her, mostly just depression. And my mom never had friends when I was growing up, so she wouldn't have had anyone to tell! She was my best friend and I was hers.

I don't really mind that people know about my anxiety, I'm just a little freaked out about people knowing sooo much about me when I know nothing about them, it's so awkward! And since I developed SP shortly after moving here, I don't know many people in this small town, but it feels like half the town knows all about me.

 

[Dronee]

when I think about money I totally panic. Money is a huge source of anxiety for me.

I'm not sure of the specifics for art, but there might be some online opportunities available. Or some kind of contract freelancing. I know such stuff exists... just an idea.

 

[Luthien]

I'm not sure of the specifics for art, but there might be some online opportunities available. Or some kind of contract freelancing. I know such stuff exists... just an idea.

what do you mean? What sort of opportunities? Bear in mind that I left home at 17 and the only work I've really done was manual labor. I don't have a lot of applicable skills for the internet and I didn't go to college. What sort of stuff do you think I could do? I want to be open to it so badly, it's just hard not to expect every form of "work" to be soul-sucking. I love working for things I believe in, but I just hate money! I inherited some a few years ago and I spent all of it living with a friend who was a single mom and needed serious help. I paid half the rent, bought groceries when her food stamps ran out, was a 24 hour nanny and took them camping a bunch. It's not like I don't like to work, I just have a totally different brain when it comes to working and money. I feel like as soon as money is in the picture, all my drive to do the work dissipates...

 

[Dronee]

what do you mean? What sort of opportunities? Bear in mind that I left home at 17 and the only work I've really done was manual labor. I don't have a lot of applicable skills for the internet and I didn't go to college. What sort of stuff do you think I could do? I want to be open to it so badly, it's just hard not to expect every form of "work" to be soul-sucking. I love working for things I believe in, but I just hate money! I inherited some a few years ago and I spent all of it living with a friend who was a single mom and needed serious help. I paid half the rent, bought groceries when her food stamps ran out, was a 24 hour nanny and took them camping a bunch. It's not like I don't like to work, I just have a totally different brain when it comes to working and money. I feel like as soon as money is in the picture, all my drive to do the work dissipates...

Believe me. I know exactly what you mean... I have the same problem with money... It often feels like once money is involved, the innate desire for the thing itself will disappear.

But anyway, as long as you can surf the net and actually find a forum like this, there's probably some work somewhere. I think Triond accepts artwork as well as writing and even videos... There's passive income. Small, but it's viable if people manage to find your works.

For more serious money though, you'd probably have to actively find employers though. I once made a thread titled "Online work"... some suggestions there. I'm not sure where the thread went to though. Can't see it.

 

[Luthien]

That's okay... I really don't feel bad about being on SSI. I feel like I need it and I guess I'm a bit of socialist and think there should be things like that for people like me. But I don't want to be on it forever! It's really helping me right now, while I'm going through this extreme time in my life. But I am actively trying to get better, and doing everything I can. I listen to a lot of "self help-ish" tapes and go to therapy and work everyday to feel safer and stronger. It's actually kind of remarkable how far I've come in the past year.

Someday, when I'm ready, I will support myself because I'm going to sell my art and people will buy it! I know they will. I've already had two offers to do art shows and random people on flickr asking if I sold the dolls I make. The thing is, I'm a total perfectionist and nothing feels ready for sale yet. My art right now is about me working through my sh*t and someday I'll have so much that I wont have anywhere to keep it and then I'll sell it. But for now, it would be like throwing away my journal before I'm done writing in it.

 

[xxaimsxx]

I'm the same. Its only recent since ive been going out again properly. I try to do it atleast once a week. It used to be months before i would go out and my grandparents, ex friends, friends of friends used to bump into my mum or sister or whatever and they would ask them how i was and what was i up to after all these years and they would reply 'she doesnt go out' or 'shes about down' and whatever and it made me feel angry that my business was being broadcast everywhere.