People just can't stand me

[Agent_Violet]

Seriously. My husband insisted that i go to a neighborhood party with him (which is great for him bc he always talks to all the nosey bastards in our neighborhood while i avoid them like their zombies or something...) anyway, we're at this party and people smile at me and i smile back.great right? well...I walk up to my one neighbor to compliment her landscaping and she is standing with 3 other women. My compliment was well received and she went on to ask me where I took my classes for my motorcycle license. So I told her and the other ladies asked a few questions about it.
Then the subject changed to all the wine selections everyone brought to the party. Well...in the middle of that conversation, someone called one of the ladies over to look at something and so she excused herself and walked away...well the ladies that were left just kinda looked at me and were like, "ooh i need more wine" or "oooh i think im going to try some of that yummy cheese that so-n-so brought with her."

and they just walk away from me.

Same thing happened to me all night. What is wrong with me that women hate me??? I mean, I could stand there and hang with the guys all night and they'd include me in their conversations as if I were one of them. I talked about all kinds of stuff with my husband and a group of men for nearly an hour...and not once was I excluded.

Sometimes I really hate myself. I didn't do anything to the women at this party and it's like they barely tolerated my presence. It's like that everywhere for me. I never can make friends with my son's friends moms either. This crap has been happening to me since high school.

i honestly don't understand it. I mean, I prefer being alone but sometimes I wish I had some sort of female companionship other than my mom ya know?

It just feeds my anxiety and makes me not ever want to go to another party or gathering again.

 

[Vampayah88]

People can't stand me

Story of my life.

What is wrong with me that women hate me??? I mean, I could stand there and hang with the guys all night and they'd include me in their conversations as if I were one of them. I talked about all kinds of stuff with my husband and a group of men for nearly an hour...and not once was I excluded.

Envy. There's nothing wrong with you, these women most likely feel either threatened or self conscious because you're pretty and probably dress good and stand out.

 

[Nanita]

I don´t really get along with women that I meet.. Well in general I don´t get along with people.
I find the typical female conversations boring. I mean the kind of conversations that I have noticed women often have.
Oh who am I kidding, I usually find the conversations that both women and men have, boring.

 

[Agent_Violet]

eh, i'm just feeling sorry for myself. and really Nanita, i'm right there with you...i feel my mind wandering during any conversation with people these days anyway so i don't know why it bothers me so much that they don't accept me.

I get what you're saying Vamp...I guess it's my terrible self esteem telling me it isn't envy,they just think i'm a freak. I agonize over getting dressed for one of these stupid gatherings just so I don't stand out. I try to blend in so I don't overpower anyone by being "too" creative or "too" artsy in my clothing/jewelry selection. I love thrift store clothes,vintage stuff and i love mixing different eras of fashion together...but all these women dress like 'normal' moms and homemakers.

There's only one really artsy/unique type lady in the neighborhood and no one invites her to anything bc they joke that she's a witch...nice huh?


*edited bc i'm brain damaged this morning...*

 

[kilojoule]

I get what you're saying Jewel...

hehe V I haven't replied yet but good anticipating I would

Now V dont go changing who you are I ll box you! You're great! Embrace who you are! And artsy people are fascinating I love all that second hand shop vintage pottering.

Its funny we always think its us who are the problem but its not always the case.

Women can be very clicky.

But let me give you some of my insight into this situation.

You successfully engaged the first woman because 1) you picked a subject of particular interest to her and then 2) you complimented her on something she loved.

Thats the way it goes with most people they like to talk about things that interest them and are about them. Kudos to you for recognising that.

All you need to do V is consciously make te effirt to do this and then remember the follow up questions. Unfortunately people without issues can be every bit as socially challenged as we are they dont make the effort and we take it personally.

But listen to me, you are fabulous! Dont change a thing and besides it wont help you if you do. Itll be the same thing again because its not 'you'

 

[Agent_Violet]

*facepalm..*
sorry...

im extra dense this morning...i meant Vamp.

 

[Agent_Violet]

hehe V I haven't replied yet but good anticipating I would

Now V dont go changing who you are I ll box you! You're great! Embrace who you are! And artsy people are fascinating I love all that second hand shop vintage pottering.

Its funny we always think its us who are the problem but its not always the case.

Women can be very clicky.

But let me give you some of my insight into this situation.

You successfully engaged the first woman because 1) you picked a subject of particular interest to her and then 2) you complimented her on something she loved.

Thats the way it goes with most people they like to talk about things that interest them and are about them. Kudos to you for recognising that.

All you need to do V is consciously make te effirt to do this and then remember the follow up questions. Unfortunately people without issues can be every bit as socially challenged as we are they dont make the effort and we take it personally.

But listen to me, you are fabulous! Dont change a thing and besides it wont help you if you do. Itll be the same thing again because its not 'you'

thanks for the encouragement!

you're right...i think i do take it personally when they just put all the effort of the conversation on others...


WHY are women so clichy?? i just don't get it. why is there a need to be that way?

 

[kilojoule]

And women love compliments and generally compliments and queries about their shoes are well received. And every mother likes to hear nice things about their kids. People have different interests and likes. Its just about recognising what makes them tick and then coming back with follow up questions/ banter. Overall I would see your experience as a very successful venture because you learned something you can use. And it worked! Until that line was exhausted you did engage so well fone!

Ps sorry typos im replying via text

 

[Section_31]

I have to agree with everything Vamp said. I think the issue is with them and not you. You are a very likeable person Violet .

 

[kilojoule]

Women are clicky but soon before you know it you could be the click leader and change all the rules and un click it the click.

I think they feel a need to be part of something and relate to others when they recognise a similar trait or interest. When we are little more socially challenged it often falls to us to make the effort to relate to them. Being in anyway diffrent is burdensome. V you are very beautiful other women they may feel they dont have anything in common with you, they may presume that you have a group of ultra glamorous friends that they couldnt possibly have anything on common. But dont change a thing. You show them you do have common ground.Did they see this show american idol? or is their child taking extra curricular activities? What about the pta? Theres loads of stuff! Who made that pie for the bbq its amazing can I have the recipe? get that ball rolling and once it does theyll see how fabulous you are before you know it, theyll be approaching you for bubbly fun conversations.

 

[userremoved]

Im gonna give you my "bros before hoes" t-shirt to wear to the next party lol. I dunno, they sounded too upper class, I mean cheese and wine as a conversation topic? Screw that. Let's talk more about motorcycles.

 

[kilojoule]

btw I dont think that is necessarily jealousy or envy (though that could be the case too) I think they may have associations in their head. You know the way people presume things. My nan used to say`gosh fat people are always so jolly` and things like that. Its not true haha. But ppl make associations.

Especially with women. Women are the worst for it! They see somebody they perceive to be beautiful and presume thats their thing-their really good looking. Like some ppl can run fast, sing well,are great craic, are smart and then some ppl are good looking. Its both hillarious and ridiculous. I think its something that maybe comes from high school culture...I dont know.

But anyway, break the cycle. Youve got lots of interests show them youre a person like they are. They may be intimidated initially so effort to put them at ease and relate to them is required. Once you break through their hang up and they see you as somebody like them youre home free

 

[Agent_Violet]

Im gonna give you my "bros before hoes" t-shirt to wear to the next party lol. I dunno, they sounded too upper class, I mean cheese and wine as a conversation topic? Screw that. Let's talk more about motorcycles.

see now that's a conversation i can hang with! lol

maybe I should have been born a guy. but I'm super girly...so i dunno.

and yeah, cheese n wine. i love cheese and wine as much as the next person but it isn't exactly something i plan on discussing at great lengths.

 

[Vampayah88]

btw I dont think that is necessarily jealousy or envy (though that could be the case too) I think they may have associations in their head. You know the way people presume things. My nan used to say`gosh fat people are always so jolly` and things like that. Its not true haha. But ppl make associations.

Especially with women. Women are the worst for it! They see somebody they perceive to be beautiful and presume thats their thing-their really good looking. Like some ppl can run fast, sing well,are great craic, are smart and then some ppl are good looking. Its both hillarious and ridiculous. I think its something that maybe comes from high school culture...I dont know.

But anyway, break the cycle. Youve got lots of interests show them youre a person like they are. They may be intimidated initially so effort to put them at ease and relate to them is required. Once you break through their hang up and they see you as somebody like them youre home free

True dat. "Oh she's beautiful, she must be a stuck up, arrogant bitch who thinks she can get anything she wants and is better than everyone else" etc etc

 

[Agent_Violet]

btw I dont think that is necessarily jealousy or envy (though that could be the case too) I think they may have associations in their head. You know the way people presume things. My nan used to say`gosh fat people are always so jolly` and things like that. Its not true haha. But ppl make associations.

Especially with women. Women are the worst for it! They see somebody they perceive to be beautiful and presume thats their thing-their really good looking. Like some ppl can run fast, sing well,are great craic, are smart and then some ppl are good looking. Its both hillarious and ridiculous. I think its something that maybe comes from high school culture...I dont know.

But anyway, break the cycle. Youve got lots of interests show them youre a person like they are. They may be intimidated initially so effort to put them at ease and relate to them is required. Once you break through their hang up and they see you as somebody like them youre home free

This is a new way to look at it for me...thank you!

now I've just got to work on getting around the hang up. i think that's where i stall out.

i know how people view me and i hate it. it seems i'm always perceived as either prissy and snobby just bc i'm quiet. or i'm perceived as intimidating and unapproachable. I don't know how to change their perception. i don't know why i continue to try.

 

[twiggle]

How well do you know these women?

If not very well, then it could just be that they were struggling to think of things to talk about and so wanted to make an excuse to escape any awkward silence (was there one?). It is not necessarily a reflection of your personality, so I wouldn't worry!

Thinking about how others see us is an extremely time-consuming, nauseating activity. I do it too but try not to, because people are all so different. Trying to ascertain what they REALLY think is probably like finding a needle in a haystack. Just focus on the people with whom you get on the best

 

[kilojoule]

True dat. "Oh she's beautiful, she must be a stuck up, arrogant bitch who thinks she can get anything she wants and is better than everyone else" etc etc

Unfortunately some people do think like that but ppl can be re educated
I am also aware of the following misconceptions

Fat people are jolly
Funny people are depressed
unattractive people are funny
short men are angry
......
The list goes on and on haha I just think ALL people are crazy!

 

[Agent_Violet]

How well do you know these women?

If not very well, then it could just be that they were struggling to think of things to talk about and so wanted to make an excuse to escape any awkward silence (was there one?). It is not necessarily a reflection of your personality, so I wouldn't worry!

Thinking about how others see us is an extremely time-consuming, nauseating activity. I do it too but try not to, because people are all so different. Trying to ascertain what they REALLY think is probably like finding a needle in a haystack. Just focus on the people with whom you get on the best

I don't know them very well. There weren't really any awkward moments that i could perceive anyway. i guess they just felt they didn't have anything interesting to add to the conversation maybe..

it IS time consuming and completely self destructive to always think about how i'm being perceived by others. lol I think i'll blame this habit on my mother! she started it!

 

[Agent_Violet]

Unfortunately some people do think like that but ppl can be re educated
I am also aware of the following misconceptions

Fat people are jolly
Funny people are depressed
unattractive people are funny
short men are angry
......
The list goes on and on haha I just think ALL people are crazy!

I almost wonder if these women were really the awkward ones and *I* was the normal one?? lol wouldn't that be a twist?

could you imagine sitting there thinking you're the freak when meanwhile, it's the other people who have all the hangups and issues?

 

[Pyrophosphate]

I almost wonder if these women were really the awkward ones and *I* was the normal one?? lol wouldn't that be a twist?

could you imagine sitting there thinking you're the freak when meanwhile, it's the other people who have all the hangups and issues?

Maybe each of you was thinking "I must be some kind of freak", and none of you were right. I think it's likely that you were all thinking the same way.