Paying for affection??

[Articulate]

Dear Social Phobia Community

I want people's honest opinion about something. I would greatly appreciate if they were especially candid, regardless of whether or not they thought it might upset me! This is a very important question to me, and I'm debating what to do on a daily basis. So I'm conflicted up about it!:sad:

I've joined this site, and are making these first few small steps in the hope that I might achieve some kind of first physical/emotional contact with other people. I've been extremely isolated for nearly all of my childhood/adolescence and adult life. I've not managed yet to make any friends, and I've failed to achieve any physical/emotional contact with a girl. My family were also very small (only immediate) and very cold. I was never hugged or shown affection in childhood or adolescence. Looking back though they had their reasons (heavy drug/alcohol abuse), and other problems which meant I wasn't always in my parents care. So this isn't about blaming anyone.

Anyway I'm currently seeing a counsellor who in her words believes I'm 'in such need of basic love that I'm putting my life and career at risk by reaching out for affection in the wrong way just to feel whole.' I'm feeling especially alone lately. I'm therefore seriously considering paying a woman to show me affection in the hope that it will help. This is a service (girlfriend experience) you can buy, it's not like a prostitute or anything. This isn't about sex at all! Basically I'm going to pay a girl to: give me my first hug, cuddle me, hold my hands, stroke my hair, give me my first kiss, tell me that they love me, say they care for me and that I matter to them. Just pure affection so I feel loved and hopefully much better afterwards.

I know this seems quite sad, and unorthodox, but you have to understand the situation I'm in. I just want people's opinion: Do you think this would be a good/healthy thing to do because it's important I get some affection now and it will help me improve? Or do you think it would be unhealthy to pay for 'fake' affection? Could it maybe have unforseen negative effects??

PLEASE let me know honestly what you think about this choice? Please.

 

[Articulate]

Also I might add:

1./ Even though my counsellor said the above, she isn't supportive of this route.
2./ This would be quite an expensive thing to buy
3./ You have to be careful to find the right person to pay

 

[Fighter86]

Well I think there is a risk you might get too emotionally involve, find it difficult to let go and find yourself in a worse off state than now. On another note if you can be positive this won't happen to you why not give it a go. You did not mention your age but if you are in your mid 20s and beyond I think you are also thinking you would like to use this experience as a platform to overcome love shyness on your part. So this experiment might not be a bad thing. But then this is just my opinion I am not sure if others will encourage this as most likely they are afraid you might come out worse off.

 

[1BlackSheep]

There's a new movie out called "The Sessions" which you might be interested in seeing. It deals with the topic of sex surrogates.

Review: 'The Sessions' makes case for Oscar - San Jose Mercury News

 

[user deleted]

I have to say, your posts make me feel really sad. I don't pity you, but it's undeniably sad that you're so starved for affection. I don't mean that with any malice, it just does sadden me. I'm a really tactile person and I actually can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

That being said it's really difficult to comment. I don't think what you're suggesting is morally wrong, but my instinct is to say that an experience you pay for.. while it may be physically gratifying.. won't be emotionally fulfilling. You won't be able to emotionally develop with this person, and to be honest there's also a danger you'll become reliant on that rather than developing real human connections. You're still so young, too, it isn't like you're fifty and have never been hugged.

My advice would be just be really patient. It must be so hard, I can't imagine.. but if you've waited this long, just try waiting a little longer. You say you've only recently joined this site to try and make connections.. well.. give it time, join up on other sites if first contact face-to-face is a bit scary. Hopefully you'll be able to make an emotional connection and then the physical can follow.

I genuinely believe that if you wait the whole experience will be so much more gratifying.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

If you're paying for it, it's not affection. That simple. It's attention, which might be quite pleasant--but not affection. Affection can't be bought.

 

[Articulate]

Well I think there is a risk you might get too emotionally involve, find it difficult to let go and find yourself in a worse off state than now. On another note if you can be positive this won't happen to you why not give it a go. You did not mention your age but if you are in your mid 20s and beyond I think you are also thinking you would like to use this experience as a platform to overcome love shyness on your part. So this experiment might not be a bad thing. But then this is just my opinion I am not sure if others will encourage this as most likely they are afraid you might come out worse off.

I'm not necessarily thinking of this as a first step to overcoming love shyness. I don't even know for sure if I have love shyness. I've temporarily given up on achieving certain kinds of contact with girls, and settled for just a few goals. I just really really want to feel a loving touch, and the emotion of thinking someone cares about you. So it's less a first step, and more of a long awaited experience. I might come off worse I suppose, but I think it's a chance I have to take. If I fail to connect in the next 6-7 years I might accept the situation or do something reckless.

 

[Articulate]

I have to say, your posts make me feel really sad. I don't pity you, but it's undeniably sad that you're so starved for affection. I don't mean that with any malice, it just does sadden me. I'm a really tactile person and I actually can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

That being said it's really difficult to comment. I don't think what you're suggesting is morally wrong, but my instinct is to say that an experience you pay for.. while it may be physically gratifying.. won't be emotionally fulfilling. You won't be able to emotionally develop with this person, and to be honest there's also a danger you'll become reliant on that rather than developing real human connections. You're still so young, too, it isn't like you're fifty and have never been hugged.

My advice would be just be really patient. It must be so hard, I can't imagine.. but if you've waited this long, just try waiting a little longer. You say you've only recently joined this site to try and make connections.. well.. give it time, join up on other sites if first contact face-to-face is a bit scary. Hopefully you'll be able to make an emotional connection and then the physical can follow.

I genuinely believe that if you wait the whole experience will be so much more gratifying.

I know and I agree that if I did get some form of this experience and it was 'real' that it would be so much better. However, the two things to consider are that; without some kind of physical experience to rely on I might not be able to go out there and achieve it with someone I meet. Also I'm worried about what's going to happen to me in the near future. I wouldn't want to tell a girl on a dating website the whole truth about me for fear that it would put alot of pressure on them? I mean would you feel comfortable giving someone their first real piece of affection if they were in their mid twenties (I'm 23 by the way).

 

[Articulate]

If you're paying for it, it's not affection. That simple. It's attention, which might be quite pleasant--but not affection. Affection can't be bought.

Well you might be able to feel that it's affection, and that might be good enough. I think if I close my eyes when a girl is cuddling me and telling me they love me I could really make myself believe it was real! When I see some of my students hug their parents at the end of the day sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I'm them. So this could maybe work?

 

[Hoppy]

Rather get yourself a dog or a cat.

 

[Fighter86]

I'm not necessarily thinking of this as a first step to overcoming love shyness. I don't even know for sure if I have love shyness. I've temporarily given up on achieving certain kinds of contact with girls, and settled for just a few goals. I just really really want to feel a loving touch, and the emotion of thinking someone cares about you. So it's less a first step, and more of a long awaited experience. I might come off worse I suppose, but I think it's a chance I have to take. If I fail to connect in the next 6-7 years I might accept the situation or do something reckless.

Since you consider it a long waited experience perhaps you should have a go. Everyone has a dream or goal they wish to fufil what you are desiring is not unreasonable. Also you mention you are 23 I think if this is what you want you should go ahead either paying or otherwise. People might find what I say unacceptable but it is my advise not to put off such things the older you get the harder especially you are moving into your mid 20s soon. These experiences will enable you to mange future relationships better and understand the opposite sex better as well. In my opinion it would be less of going through it as a perfect experience rather more of actually gaining more experience to make you more well prepared for future relationships.

 

[Bo592]

step 1. get a dog or a cat like he said. step 2. ( not share if you have this problem but mine is transportion problems fine away you can get around people again. step 3. work out your commuication problems their still hope you can still ask a girl out and she well say yes . from what I read you sound like you have a lot of love to gave to the world that a good thing. you see what you got is burning passion starved for affection if you can turn it in to the right words with women will love you.

 

[Remus]

This

If you're paying for it, it's not affection. That simple. It's attention, which might be quite pleasant--but not affection. Affection can't be bought.

and this

Rather get yourself a dog or a cat.

:thumbup:

 

[Articulate]

I think everyone on this site has been almost unanimous in telling me that I should tell girls I talk to the truth about my past, and my youth. However, would that not put so much pressure on a girl if she learnt that I'd never been hugged, held or shown any affection? Would she really want to know she was the fst person to express any affection for me? It might be uncomfortable for her.

So yes I can understand it looks very sad the idea of paying someone to say they love you, but don't we all need to feel loved at least once in our lives? Maybe sometimes when parents do it it's fake and they don't mean it, but the kid doesn't know. Maybe sometimes girlfriend's lie? I just really want to be cuddled and have to realistic is someone I don't pay really going to?:idontknow:

 

[Aron]

I think I'm in the same boots as you, except I'm much older than you. I've never been hugged, never been loved. I'm pretty sure I will never experience these things.

I know some people say that there's more to life than these things, and maybe to them there is. But people are different, everyone has their own beliefs. Or maybe they already experienced it, and know they will again sometime, but they feel good to be alone for some time.

But being alone for a lifetime, and never experience it, that's another thing.

 

[jaim38]

You are an adult and you have the freedom to pay for the girlfriend experience. I just want to say this before I get to my opinions.

If you decide to do this, you will need to be very careful not to get caught by anybody. As a teacher, you are expected to be a good role model to your students so if you get caught, you can be fired. Second of all, I read from your previous post that you have a dog but for some reason, that doesn’t seem fulfilling enough. So, I’m going to suggest daydreaming as an alternative; I also have never dated anyone, but when I want to feel something I daydream about it and after a while, the desire goes away. Just like anybody else, I do have romantic and sexual needs, but I don’t want to go out and have sex with random guys. So, I just daydream and trust me, those desires become less intense the more I daydream about them. Eventually, it gets boring and I move on to something else. But I’m a woman and hormones and menstruation can do crazy things to me every month; but so far, I got it under control, no biggie.

I heard there are otome/anime dating games that try to simulate real dating; you get to date an anime character. Someone from Japan went as far as to marry his character! I also heard about guys buying life-sized dolls and sleeping with those dolls, but that’s too creepy and I highly don’t recommend this!

Anyways, if you decide to go with the girlfriend experience, I hope it’s just a one-time thing and doesn’t become a full-blown addiction, or lead to a prostitution experience.

 

[Articulate]

I think I'm in the same boots as you, except I'm much older than you. I've never been hugged, never been loved. I'm pretty sure I will never experience these things.

I know some people say that there's more to life than these things, and maybe to them there is. But people are different, everyone has their own beliefs. Or maybe they already experienced it, and know they will again sometime, but they feel good to be alone for some time.

But being alone for a lifetime, and never experience it, that's another thing.

Did your parents never hug you either? If so I'm really sorry for that. Did they ever explain to you why they mistreated you, or didn't care about you or say they loved you? My parents never explained to me why, but I kind of found out when I got older. I found out the reasons I went in and out of care, and wasn't always in school. So I don't blame them.

More to the point have you ever considered buying some kind of affection or love from someone?

 

[Articulate]

Dear Jaim38

I do understand what you're saying really I do, I also readily recognise that there may be unforseen negative consequences for me in following this decesion through. However, all I would stress is that this isn't solely about romantic contact. I know it could come accross as weird, but I'm craving from this potential girlfriend experience a combination of romantic and maternal love. There are lots of men who use escorts do give themselves confidence in one area or another.

Its possible I may become allured and want to use this experience again and again. However what this first time would be about is just letting me escape this loneliness, and pain, temporarily. Its the same reason I've joined SPW, I'm feeling desperate right now, and I'm worried that if I don't feel some affection now that I might do something stupid. Remember I'm really feeling the impulse to reach out affectionately to some of my students. This could stop that desperation.

 

[Articulate]

I know this would mostly be a romantic type of love in people's eyes, but maybe the need is so strong because it's really just as much about maternal or familial love. I don't know what it says about me as a person, but I do regularly fantasise about a woman cuddling me and telling me I mean something, or that everything will be alright. I also have a really entrenched habit of staring intently at any display of affection either in the streets, or on television. I just hope that if I do pay a woman she's understanding to my sensitivity.

 

[Gaucho]

I

My advice would be just be really patient. It must be so hard, I can't imagine.. but if you've waited this long, just try waiting a little longer. You say you've only recently joined this site to try and make connections.. well.. give it time, join up on other sites if first contact face-to-face is a bit scary. Hopefully you'll be able to make an emotional connection and then the physical can follow.

I genuinely believe that if you wait the whole experience will be so much more gratifying.

hi, but thats exactly the problem !!!! no perfect girl will knock on the door out of the blue! no wonder will happen!! thats exactly why people have no life at the age of 50 sorry but your comment is very untrue. that sounds very nice, but its the worst advice people can give.