One thing I read about social phobics and attraction/flirting

[bleach]

I was reading a clinical book on social phobia, and came to a part about how social phobics react to other people's sexual attraction. The gist of it was that people who have social phobia, when they receive flirtatious looks or acts from someone, will try to disengage immediately because they don't know what is expected of them to do next. Like they know there is a certain type of behavior that is expected but don't know what it is/how to do it, so they will try to avoid it.

I can relate to this. Whenever I am out at a bar or party or some other social function there is usually at least one girl around who is looking at me a lot and clearly interested, but just realizing this makes me want to escape and get away as far as I can. It never really occurred to me before why this is.

Well, that's all, no advice here, if I had any advice I would be practicing it myself, heh

 

[this_portrait]

Makes sense. I can relate to that on so many levels. I find myself disengaging if I think the other person is attractive as well. If I don't think they're attractive or don't like them, then I don't feel embarrassment or anything; I just want them to leave me alone.

 

[RandyMarsh]

I went to sixth form college (I only lasted a week). It was going ok with the girl I sat beside on the first day considering I have never spoken to girls in my life the conversation was going ok. It wasnt really like aa flirty way but just friendly. Then later on she was all like, 'Yea I want to go for a drink after class but I have no one to go with' and stuff like that,hinting for me to ask her and I just froze. I should have just been brave and asked her but I was too scared. How sad is that. My life could have been so different right now if I had have just went to the pub with this girl. Maybe I would have had a social life, stayed in college passed my exams and went to university insted of bein a bum hu sits at home all day! Just because I am insecure and terrified of people.

 

[bleach]

I know how you feel but you are seriously deluding yourself if you think hanging out with a girl once will change your whole life. if your social skills are very underdeveloped you were more likely to just have an awkward conversation with her at the bar rather than start a relationship. but it could have helped you get some experience. you should not beat yourself up over fantasy what-if scenarios and just remember that next time you have an opportunity, suck up your fear and try to have fun

 

[lurknomore]

I think that it's not just not knowing how to react/what's expected of us, although I'm sure it plays a role. I think it's also a case of even if we knew how to react, we're afraid of messing up (failure), embarrassing ourselves, and I know in my case, I don't take anything seriously because my self-esteem is so messed up that I automatically assume that they're joking, or can't possibly be serious and maybe they're just setting me up in order to laugh at me later. ::

 

[this_portrait]

I think that it's not just not knowing how to react/what's expected of us, although I'm sure it plays a role. I think it's also a case of even if we knew how to react, we're afraid of messing up (failure), embarrassing ourselves, and I know in my case, I don't take anything seriously because my self-esteem is so messed up that I automatically assume that they're joking, or can't possibly be serious and maybe they're just setting me up in order to laugh at me later. ::

I kinda feel similar, though for me I find myself thinking that they just want a piece of @$$ and that they don't really care what's beyond my physical appearance.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I usually don't pick up on flirtation, so it's not a matter of not knowing what to do (I think; I could be wrong) for me but a matter of not knowing I'm being flirted with. On the rare occasion that I do, I usually, like lurknomore said, think of it as a joke so I don't do anything about it. That, or my reaction is so slow that the moment is long gone when I finally do something.

 

[Tiercel]

I don't know, I've seen quite a bit of flirting on here.

I didn't grow up attracting women. So even if she hits me with a brick, I still wouldn't pick up on it. I'm romantically retarded.

So I apologize to all those ladies who've (maybe) tried to spell it out for me over the years to no avail. And really wish they'd try using an alphabet I can understand....

 

[Lexus199]

I was reading a clinical book on social phobia, and came to a part about how social phobics react to other people's sexual attraction. The gist of it was that people who have social phobia, when they receive flirtatious looks or acts from someone, will try to disengage immediately because they don't know what is expected of them to do next. Like they know there is a certain type of behavior that is expected but don't know what it is/how to do it, so they will try to avoid it.

I can relate to this. Whenever I am out at a bar or party or some other social function there is usually at least one girl around who is looking at me a lot and clearly interested, but just realizing this makes me want to escape and get away as far as I can. It never really occurred to me before why this is.

Well, that's all, no advice here, if I had any advice I would be practicing it myself, heh

Yeah looking back I've often been guilty of that. It is a little disheartening to say the least when I consider just how many chances I've squandered.

 

[N0D]

nope...if i notice a girl flirting with me the rest of the world no longer exists until I mess it up or we live happily ever after.

 

[Section_31]

^ i have to agree with N0d.

 

[Getting_better]

I'll just stare at em like they are crazy lol

 

[*Amy*]

The gist of it was that people who have social phobia, when they receive flirtatious looks or acts from someone, will try to disengage immediately because they don't know what is expected of them to do next. Like they know there is a certain type of behavior that is expected but don't know what it is/how to do it, so they will try to avoid it.

Yeah, it totally describes me. And if they ask me if I am interested in someone, or someone is interested in me, I always say no, whether it's true or not.

 

[-lonestar-]

I always wonder if I'm deluded or just can't read people well due to the fact that I barely engage people. Thus its hard to tell if someone is being friendly or is flirting, seriouisly what is flirting? I get girls looking at me, and I think she's checking me out but theres always that thought that feels if I aproach her she'll imediatly get turned off, by my fake act of confidence. I need to figure out how to flirt and keep a conversation alive.

So many times have I looked back and thought about instances where I felt I could have had a chance but just chose to move on. Strange thing is if a girl were to aproach me I'd be able to handle it much better, because I would be positive she was intrested and it wasn't a delusion, just knowing the fact a girl likes me feels like something almost out of this world, but I'm always open to it. To bad society has the man be the hunter, and rarely/never do girls aproach.

 

[JamesSmith]

One of the hardest things for me to understand is when a woman is just being nice to me or flirting with me. I've noticed that lots of people smile at other people when they are engaging in a conversation with someone to be polite.

For me, it's not just flirting that I often can't read, but I have trouble with just plain socializing with anyone. I often don't know what to say, am too afraid to say what's on my mind, or I just plain don't know what to literally do in a social situation (how to act, where to stand, when to talk, if I should talk, all that stuff).

The good thing is that I can remember specific times where I knew a girl was in to me. There have been times I remember where I knew a girl was flirting with me, so it's not like I'm totally lost. I am kind of like an alien in many social situations, though