Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

I don't know about you but I personally am my worst enemy when it comes to reminding me of my issues and how useless I am. As the old saying goes no one can critique you like you can so I am very guilty of this. But I can't help it.

Oh yeah, I'm equally guilty of doing this, but only because I feel genuinely useless at times.

It seems in your case you get it more from your mom which is a shame man. I don't know man I just don't know.

My mum, my sisters, cousins... I get it from most of the family. Why don't I like the same TV shows, music or movies? Why do I insist upon being told the truth all the time?

Everytime I refuse to do somethin' or going along with what they want, I'm an arsehole. Everytime I don't feel like doing something, I'm being selfish. And I'd dare not voice an opinion they don't agree with, or speak critically of them. Otherwise they throw a hissy fit and turn violent... Shoutin', swearin', slammin' doors. Giving me the silent treatment for showing how awful and unreasonable they can be, at times.

Cannae exactly win, either way. But they're nice folk, really. When they're not mouthin' off about how shite things are, or insulting me "for a laugh".
And even though the latter of those 2 things stopped occurring 2 years, I still huv'nae got an apology from my family for the hurt caused.

But my mum was never one for accepting responsibilty for her actions. She except apparently, because everyone else is at fault. But mainly, it's the men. Feminist Logic 101, there.

Forgot to ask if you managed to fixed your pc??

Not as yet, sadly. Just using my spare laptop for the time being.
Spoke to a fella, who live in my area, who will look at it when he has time to.
I've explain the problem to him, and he doesn't advise trying to fixing it on my own, in case I lose important documents or photos, etc.

Don't know whether downloading a copy of Windows 10 Home would resolve it? :thinking: Since it just a repair for a missing file I'm needing, not a complete reinstall of the OS. And I know, that's not legal and ah don't encourage stealing software or pirating copyrighted material. But, I never got a recovery disc with my HP laptop when I originally purchased it, for whatever reason.

And did this work for pain relieve?? Have a try (needs headphones)
Binaural Beats Opium - Pain Relief, Relaxation, sedative effect

Didnae really huv a great deal of pain when I last listened to that Binaural Beats. Just a slght, but bearable pain in ma knee - which is the one I had surgery on. But I'll give it another go...

 

[Graeme1988]

Okay, so I've rubbed some pain relief cream on the right-side of my lower back and had a wee lie down.
I'm feelin' a lot better now. :thumbup: Might keep this up for next few days, just to keep it from gettin' worse? :thinking:

 

[Graeme1988]

Right, I'm done suggesting anything to my family, they just disregard it anyway. The mere f**kin' thought or idea that it means things will change... Oh, Gawd! Cannae be huvin that, nae chance. h: F**k my miserable, meaningless, shite exsistence. :kickingmyself:

 

[theslowesthand]

My mum, my sisters, cousins... I get it from most of the family. Why don't I like the same TV shows, music or movies? Why do I insist upon being told the truth all the time?

Seems like yer personalities rub each other up wrong way way. The perfect personalities .. for not getting along. Family does tend to be like that, from my experience.

Everytime I refuse to do somethin' or going along with what they want, I'm an arsehole. Everytime I don't feel like doing something, I'm being selfish. And I'd dare not voice an opinion they don't agree with, or speak critically of them. Otherwise they throw a hissy fit and turn violent... Shoutin', swearin', slammin' doors. Giving me the silent treatment for showing how awful and unreasonable they can be, at times

Ideally, you'd be able to handle such remarks, as then you'd no longer be under their thumb, as you'd simply do as please regardless of any negative remarks (like water off duck's back). Ideally, that is.
What about just "toning down" your disagreeing/criticizing of them (ie use the good 'ol scottish dry humour - not overt enough to cause a barney, but subtle enuf to get yer point accross :question:
And ye have to keep at it, ie make it (dry wit) part of yer personality. Hopefully over time, it can make a dint in their armour at least, to gain some minor progress on that front.

But, I never got a recovery disc with my HP laptop when I originally purchased it, for whatever reason

On some of my computers i've had, the recovery disk was actually a (hidden) partition on main hard drive, so no need for cd :question:
My desktop doesn't boot up now even to BIOS (it seems, as blank screen), which is why it's at a computer repair shop now. Some issues are best left to the experts.

 

[Graeme1988]

Seems like yer personalities rub each other up wrong way way. The perfect personalities .. for not getting along. Family does tend to be like that, from my experience.

Aye, very much so.

There's me - the quiet, shy, sensitive, introverted type, with massive trust issues. Which apparently makes me a geek? Y'know, despite not being overly obsessive about much, outside of my love of music.

My sisters - the confident, loud-mouth, obnoxious, violatile, hypocrtical bitches.

And my mum - yer typically man-hating, bitter angry feminist, which she hides under the guise of being well-meaning and caring Christan wummin. Hardly how I'd describe her, but then my sisters don't like hearing me talk badly of her. What with my mum being the perfect parent, to them at least.

Ideally, you'd be able to handle such remarks, as then you'd no longer be under their thumb, as you'd simply do as please regardless of any negative remarks (like water off duck's back). Ideally, that is.
What about just "toning down" your disagreeing/criticizing of them (ie use the good 'ol scottish dry humour - not overt enough to cause a barney, but subtle enuf to get yer point accross :question:
And ye have to keep at it, ie make it (dry wit) part of yer personality. Hopefully over time, it can make a dint in their armour at least, to gain some minor progress on that front.

How d'ye get yer point across when people refuse to listen? And yer constantly told that you're perspective - as a disabled person - is not only wrong but invalid? Because this is how my family are.

Looking for me to validate their opinions and outlook, because they fail to comprehend and respect mine.

And it's not so much handle the snide remarks, themselves. Being a bullied kid, I've learnt the best thing to do is not react, even if they get to me. But it's the fact they can go from be quite unkind to being all needy - like it's some my life's obligation to keep 'em happy? Like they'll never say sorry to me if they've wrong me. Naw, they'd rather cry, blame me, and expect me to feel sorry them.

It's equally hard to do as I please, since they usually can't wait to bitch at me about that, either. About how ah live the "life of luxury" - I'd hardly say owning 3 laptops, 3 musical instruments, a DVD player and a stereo, bought over the course of 14 years, and living on disabled benefit payments constitues livin' in luxury - d'you?

Ma family seem to hate the fact I'm prefer to do as I please, since it's not what they want for me. See how, again, it comes back to be more about them than is about me and my well-being, happiness, etc.

And as far as the ol' dry Scottish humour goes... It's kinda hard to do the deadpan sarcasm thing when yer family tend to be uptight, and don't get when yer actually f**kin' jokin'. :kickingmyself: I can only think of a few brief moments where my sense of humour got the reaction I'd intended.

So, I've just stopped trying to be funny, like I once was. Settled for become just like ma parents, instead: Boring, uptight, dour, humourless, über serious and cynical as f**k. :sad: Devoid any optimism or joy...

Plus, it's difficult to improve a humourous witty response to being called a ungrateful c*^%! for standing up for yersel'.

It's a struggle to say the least, living with a parent who give ye mixed messages; is all nice on minute and hostile the next. And always, always, always think the worst of every situations.

On some of my computers i've had, the recovery disk was actually a (hidden) partition on main hard drive, so no need for cd :question:
My desktop doesn't boot up now even to BIOS (it seems, as blank screen), which is why it's at a computer repair shop now. Some issues are best left to the experts.

Well, some recent Windows Updates on my HP laptop rendered my recovery disk partition useless. Nae clue as to how, or if, it can be restored. As you said, best leave it to the experts.

 

[Graeme1988]

Feelin' a wee bit productive today, after some difficulty and confusion on ma eldest sister's part, as we nearly mount one speaker on the support wall of my bedroom.

These are finally wall-mounted on brackets:

Meaning my wee home studio setup is about done, just need a couple more items and ah should be good tae go. :thumbup: Mainly a small portable laptop desk n' tray. And an MIDI keyboard, and that's me ready to rock. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Quite depressed the day, mainly because I've came tae a sad realisation. :sad:

And it's that my family don't care about me, not really. At least, in the way they should. Naw, they only seem to care about themselves. Me - I'm pushed to the wayside. Telt to just go along with it, don't question, don't rebel, don't talk back. Because by default of being older, they are therefore wiser.

Which, as hurtful as this is gonnae sound, isnae actually the case.

Ah mean, ah know full well ma self-esteem issues never allow me tae see how I actually as a person. Or how ah wus always telt how ah didnae need tae strive for perfection, but couldnae risk failure. Which wus mair ma dad's outlook than my mum's. But then unlike ma mum, dad hud standards. High standards, certainly. But, at least, he hud some belief that if ah set ma mind to it, I could accomplish summit. Even if he wus an arse and a cultural divide kept us from huvin a relationship.

But even still, it doesnae help huvin that level o' pressure upon yer shoulders aw the time. And that's how ma life feels a good percent of the time. Like I'm the yin who has to carrying them, appease them. While they do little to nothin' for me - except caring for me in area in which ah can't manage.

Though, the most depressing thing is the fact that my mum doesnae even care anymore. Because I'm too demanding, which ah didnae realise asking for help wus the same as demanding help, but whatever.

I'm trying desperately tae turn ma life around, and make the most of it while I'm still physically able to. Yet ma mum and of my family seems intent upon holding my back from doing so. Because the truth is folk, as I sit here typing this - when ah really think about it; I am f**kin' miserable. :crying:

Seems I'm the only yin left with any sort of ambition or drive in ma family. Even though both of those things, for me, steam from hating where ah live and trying to stay health.

Sorry, ah know this is shambolic post. Just the sight of my mum layin' on the living couch, giving mumbled "Aye"; "Uh-huh" answers to ma questions in an indifferent tone of voice triggered it. ::

 

[Graeme1988]

Also, as wee addendum to this post, ah find horribly ironic that my family are always putting on this front when out in public with me - all smiles and happy. Yet at home they're attitude towards me changes. :idontknow: Mibbe it's because they know if they get outta line and cause a scene, I'll no be too happy wae them? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Kinda hopeful that ma eldest sister will keep her promise fur the end o' the month? :thinking: Though I'm no puttin' much trust in her to do so, as she's let me down in the past, y'know? Since she tends to all words, no action.

Anyway, I'm just in the middle of parting ways with somethings ah no longer huv any use or attachment to, in order to try and get some money for last few remaining items before ah start playing music again. Since ah rather spend a reasonable amount on new equipment than go for cheap stuff that'll no last. But I'm not going super expensive, like.

And ah don't want to buy a piece of kit then realise it wus'nae worth the money - made that mistake in the past with things like guitar multi-effects processors and cheap microphones.

 

[theslowesthand]

Also, as wee addendum to this post, ah find horribly ironic that my family are always putting on this front when out in public with me - all smiles and happy. Yet at home they're attitude towards me changes. :idontknow: Mibbe it's because they know if they get outta line and cause a scene, I'll no be too happy wae them? :question:

Could be. Could also be they want to uphold their public image & scared to embarass themselves. Everyone puts on a front in public, to a degree.

 

[Graeme1988]

Could be. Could also be they want to uphold their public image & scared to embarass themselves. Everyone puts on a front in public, to a degree.

That's true...

 

[Graeme1988]

Is there's any point in continuing to be here? :idontknow:

Seems like no matter what I do, no matter how nice I try to be, people always to find something to dislike about me. Be it my appearance, my personality or my taste in music or whatever.

Ah always feel like ah huv to make someone else happy. Everyone but me, it seems. :kickingmyself: Nae surprise, as tae why ah always look sad n' depressed aw the time.

Gettin' kinda fed-up with huvin tae justify ma existence to people who don't really care, but just want tae huv their say. Y'know, they're no actually bothered aboot the struggles - day in, day oot - that ah face as a disabled person, so as to better understand and help me.

Naw, they just want tae tell me how ah should feel about it. Like how ah should grateful for the help ah didnae even ask for, or how ah huvin nae real right to be depressed about anythin'. But, aye, it's me who's in wrong, eh? h:

 

[Graeme1988]

Sadly ah dinnae think things huv gotten any better, as far as ma life goes.
Not as much as I'd hope at the start of the year, anyway.

Family still treat me the same, ah still feel weighted down by huvin to live with my mum who does nuthin' tae help me when I ask. And she's still hoarding stuff and projecting the habit onto me. As I'm not allowed to throw out or put anythin' in storage. And bedroom's a cluttered mess as it is.

We've got half o' bloody Tesco's supermarket stocked up behind the living room couch. It's gettin' tae the point where ah'd rather be living on ma own.

But, due to shitty parenting and downright laziness, ma mum didnae exactly bother teaching me how to be independent. Or about life for that matter. Which probably explain why I failed in school, y'know? Since ah wus'nae be taught by my parents outside of school, as well.

Just, here's ye go; figure it out on yer own, son. Yer smart enough... And remember, dinnae trust anybuddy, except family. Awrite?!

Sorry, this wus just on ma mind when ma sister kept banging on about what ah should do with ma life in the comin' years, during our car journey to Dumfries.

 

[Graeme1988]

Startin' tae realise that ah tend tae agree with ma family just as a means of gettin' them to shut-up. Not, necessary, cuz ah actually agree. Guess ye tend to get like that when yer always telt yer perspective on things is wrong aw the time. :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Right, that's it! I'm done. Naw, seriously, f**kin' done with life.

I huv had enough o' constantly huvin to put everybuddy else's needs ahead of my own. Am done with being contradicting by ma ain mother every-single-f**kin'-time ah suggest summit that involves actually huv tae get off yer arse and do somethin'.

Just... I'm done. I'm fightin' a losin' battle here. :kickingmyself: It's obvious ah dinnae matter as much to my family as they'd like me to believe. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Apparently, now, everything I do need to have a justified reason. Funny how my family are allowed to do as they please, but me - ah huv tae huv a reason. Cannae even huv a long lie in bed now, withoot huvin a f**kin' reason for doing so. :kickingmyself: Hate ma life, wish I'd died at birth!

 

[Graeme1988]

A joke, is aw ah um, eh? Funny, how ma discomfort, pain, anxiety and misery are f**kin' hysterical to my mother, or maist wimmin ah encounter fur that matter. :kickingmyself:

Not sayin' ah cannae take a joke, it's just frustratin' how everyone seems to see me as the "funny one" and take everything ah say as a complete joke.

Oh, the muscle spasms in ma legs are back. Although, ah wus'nae exactly lookin' for ma orthopedic surgery as a perminent fix for my cerebral palsy.

 

[Graeme1988]

Why me? :kickingmyself: It seems people are always going to take advantage of me, no matter what I do or say. Might be better off dead, I know it's not something I should be considering. But I'm depressed and miserable enough to make death feel like a relief.

And I don't know how much more I can of being let down and lied to, constantly, by the same people who claim to care so much about me. Well, only when it's convenient for them and make them seem nicer and less manipulative than they actually are.

Funny how some of my family are more than happy to just cut me outta their lives, yet I'm not afforded that same opportunity. Because I'd imagine I would be much happier if I was living with my mum. And always having to appease my older sisters all the time.

But whit da f**k do I know, huh? :idontknow: I'm just the black-sheep of the family. Or, at least that's how I feel a lot of the time. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Feelin' quite low, lately. Nae really motivate to do anythin'. Just gettin' outta bed takes effort. But ah don't know... Ah dinnae seem tae huv the time to just focus. Reading a book or watching the TV have become so difficult, lately.

It's like what's the point, eh? :idontknow:

Ah don't know if it because I don't feel happy as of late with life, that things I used to enjoy don't give me that same pleasure? Or if I'm just too busy trying to get stuff done that needs to be done on my own? Like cleaning out my room, put stuff in storage to free up space. That I'm just too knackered by the end of the day to sit and relax.

Anyone else able to relate, or is it just me?

 

[Graeme1988]

Okay... WOW!! Does anyone know how to get the most recent comment to appear on a YouTube video? Because I just got a reply comment on a video for one of my favourite bands... and I can't find it to respond.

Basically, someone has left a comment on a Biffy Clyro live video which I commented on 6 years ago now.

And the person is asking me if I'd like to collaborate musicially via this website,:

I'll attach their comment to this post. Kinda unsure about whether I should do this or not. :question: :idontknow:
Also, I don't currently own a webcam.