Och aye the noo

Well, I spend pretty much every night staring at my phone or listening to my favorite YouTube vids to fall asleep to.
Ah think you've posted that the wrong place. Ye want the Happiness Is... thread. :giggle: Just a wee joke there. Naw! Ah do the same, actually. Except I'm on my tablet usually dozing off to some YouTube compilation of ambient music.

Other than that I stare blankly at my four dark walls.
That's me most days. Or I'll put on some instrumental music n' read a book.
If ah felt up to it, I'd get backing into making music, but ah cannae even bring masel' tae even do that, lately. :sad:

If you need to talk that's fine with me, you can even have my email address if need be.
While ah appreciate the kind offer, ah wouldnae want tae burden ya with my issues tae be honest, pal. You'd just end up as depressed as me, if not more so. ::(:
There wus another argument today. My older sister berated oor mother fur not doing something. Didnae catch whit, it's kinda difficult to make oot whit my older sister's saying when she's shouting n' screeching.

But I am so feckin' glad ah got that housing form submitted the day. The sooner I'm on ma own, the better.

Ah feel sorry fur ma mum, though. Aye, she didnae treat me well, but she deserved better as far as how her 3 kids turned oot. :eek:mg: :sad: Ah only turned oot how ah did by learning from the folk aroon me just whit kinda person ah dinnae want tae be...
:kickingmyself: :eek:mg:

Now my oldest sister's had an argument with the middle child while at her (the older sister) temporary accommodation. Not sure what it wus about, didnae really get or ask for the details. My oldest sis just came up to my room, sat on ma bed beside me and, in defeated tone of voice asked me: "Why is it, Graeme...?" And after a long pause, as if she were waiting for me to finish her question, she sighs.

"Why is it that everything's got tae revolve aroon her, eh?"
"Ah've been askin' masel' that since August"

Then, after re-dressing my left big toe, which is still healing after having the whole nail removed. My oldest sister leaves, or so I thought...

I come downstairs to tell oor Mum about some items I'll be posting on Wednesday. As I telling her, my oldest sister interrupts me.

"We're no talkin' aboot you.."
"Eh?! Am no bothered, talk aboot me if yous want"
"We were just discuss oor sister... weren't we, Mum?"
, my mother says in a rather deadpan tone.
"See, Mum, Graeme's been being rational aboot aw this these past few months" With those words uttered, ah plant my arse on a chair that has be brought through fae the kitchen. Haw-haw! Here we f*ckin' go!

This leads to an awe-inspired tangent from my oldest sister about her youngest sis. :eek: How she's been spoiled her whole life. How she's ungrateful, doesnae care. How my oldest sister's boyfriend has been heartbroken by how oor mother and I huv been made to feel since August last year.

"Nae bloody wonder Graeme feels how he does, eh? Ah feel the same way! Ah support mentally ill folk as part o' my job, and ah cun reason wae them far better than ah cun her.
Why is she always makes it aboot herself? Aye, she gan through a rough time but it's no jist her! You, Graeme, her kids, me... Or d'we jist no matter? Oot o' 3 of us - you spoiled her the maist, Mum. Ye do realise that now, aye? She got everything she wanted. Hus'nae known whit it like tae struggle. Hud a guid life o'er in Ireland, married somebuddy in the Army who made a good wage n' did aw the cooking. Hus she even said thanks tae ye? "Thanks Mum. Ah know ah dinnae aways say it, but ah appreciate ye" Naw! Her dad wus right. He said she'd become difficult as she got older. And has she...?!"
To which I just nod in agreement
I interrupt and point out that ah tell Mum ah appreciate what she does for me.
"Aye, Graeme. But you actually dae stuff fur Mum, cuz she helps you anaw. That's why you twa get on." I briefly mention how my older sister never said thanks to me for fixing her laptop.
"The wird "thanks" isnae in her vocabulary. Demand! Expects! She knows them. And this constant negativity fae her. Urrgh!! She's broke me like. Nae wonder her oldest wee'un is misbehaving..."
"Well, say tae her aboot it"
"D'ye think she'd thank me fur it, Mum?"
"Naw, but..."
"Exactly! She just start..."
, my sister says, angrily. Then she raised the pitch of her voice and does a word perfect impression of our sister which nearly had me falling out the chair. :bigsmile:
"Huh! So, yer sayin' this ma fault?! Why?! Whit d'ye mean...?! Fur f*ck sake!!"
"Pfft... That's exactly how she'd react. Great impression"
, I say, still laughing to myself.
"Ugh! Ah dinnae think she likes me at me at times. Ken that? And the way she bin lately, ah don't think she likes me ataw"
"Me neither"
"Same here"
"She aspire tae own a white lamborghini. Aye, mibbe if she won the lottery. Would you aspire tae that, Graeme?"
"Nut! Who cares whit kinda car ye drive?"
"Folk who see them as status symbols. The "Oooh! Wow!! Look it me!" lot. I'm just happy wi' yin that cun git me where ah want tae gan. Aye, ah'd get a sport car. But only cuz you cun drive wi' the roof doon during the summer. Anyway, it's been 5 months she'll need start getting intae a routine. She cannae keep relying us aw the time"
Then just as I'm going to bed, ma Mum starts saying about how she's worried how things will be, if they keep on going as they are.

"Am jist worried. Ah dinnae like the way things are the now"
"Jist dinnae start worrying aboot me in the way"
Ah do worry aboot ye, Graeme. Ah worried how ye would be getting yer operation done, and how it wus gonnae go"
"Ah know, but ah got through it"
"Ye did, and am glad"
So, you'd worry if ah moved oot, is that whit..."
"Dinnae even...! We're no discussin' that yet. If you leave, that'll be the end o' me. Deid!
Ah'll be gan oot in a wee box"
"How?! Ur ye gittin' cremated like?"
:bigsmile: After getting the joke, my mother smirks...
"Aww, shut up! That's no even..."
"Sorry ! It just... Ah couldnae resist" :giggle:
Night, ya cheeky wee sh!t"
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Ah could just f*ckin' greet! :crying: It's like she doesnae care, my Mum. Just couldnae gie a f*ck. Says this is oor hoose, but apparently cuz am payin' mair than half the buckin' rent, my say means f*ck all. :thumbdown:

Just yin day, that's aw ah want. A day where am no dreading getting oot o' bed in the morning. A day where ah cun just get oan wi' stuff ah want tae do, withoot huvin tae justify my existence. Or feel guilty fur daein ma ain thing. That why ah want tae move oot, but...
"The bills... Ah couldnae cope oan ma ain, Graeme. Didnae leave me, please !" :kickingmyself:​

Ah dinnae even think things will git back tae how they were. :idontknow: Cuz my relationship with my mother is all but done. Couldnae mend it efter muh Dad died, and it's f*cked beyond repair now.
Never felt this miserable in ma life. Depressed, aye. But this...?
Ah feel like am invisible, like ah don't matter. As if i'm oan autopilot - going through the motions.
Ah don't feel happy or sad. Just... numb.
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Nearly lost the heid wi' ma Mum earlier the day. By jings, ah wus ready tae snap like. :kickingmyself: And aw ah did wus ask why we dinnae huv'nae got a days peace n' quiet since ma older sister n' bairn moved intae temporary accommodation?

"Cuz ah invite them roon... guess it ma ain fault"
"Really? Ah thought you telt me no long ago that this wus ma hoose, as it is yours?"
"It is - your payin' mair dig money than me"
"Uh-huh! Then how come this place hus'nae felt like hame tae me fur the last 5 months?! Nae answer? Ken summit, things'll never git back tae how they were. Never! Ah hope you realise that."

We were huvin this wee discussion in the living room n' she didnae even bother to answer that last question. Which left me with a sense that am no even her son, I'm my Mum's f*ckin' carer n' emotional tampon. :thumbdown: :veryangry:
Whit da f*ck has my life become? :crying: What did I do to deserve aw this misery being heaped upon me? Why did it have to come to me resorting to this? Why didn't they listen to me? :sad:

Might as just cancel aw the things ah hud planned for 2018 - Dumfries, Glasgow, Edinburgh. As, much like last year, am not gonnae get any joy oot o' them, besides being away from ma sh!tehole town that ah f*ckin' hate. :thumbdown:

Funny thing is, ah've never hide the fact ah struggle. The depression. Anxiety. F*ck! Even the disability. But my family always accused me of faking, cuz well... I'm man! More to the point, I'm my Dad. And, by f*ck, wus ma Mum right... I'm just like him. Looks, personality, outlook on life. Weird how only knowing yer da fur 8 years will leave such a lasting impression, despite him huvin bugger all tae do wi' ye until ya turned 14.

But ah dinnae think things will ever go back to those happy times, no now. Even just last year feels like a distant memory that ah cun barely recall, cuz ah wus'nae even functioning as I would be usual. Home doesnae even feel like that, ah feel like I'm locked up in a jail. That's the only way ah cun describe it.
It's quite difficult tae articulate yer feelings when you've neither the wirds, nor education, tae do so. And yer too depressed, pissed off n' frustrated. :veryangry: :sad: Hard tae be happy when yer life's gan doon the sh!tter anaw. Am no even lookin' after masel' properly. No eating or sleeping much; huv'nae exercised in months, either.

Just cannae be arsed. But ah can't be arsed do much, if anything, lately. Other than wondering why tha f*ck I still feel the need to please those around me? :idontknow: Cuz they're no exactly willing to be as selfless as me when it comes to making other happy. ::(:
It's difficult watching your life gan tae sh!te as a result of a parent who's telt ye fur years that ya were useless, and that they... "dinnae ken - (don't know) - anything" :kickingmyself:

Basically, it's a heavy burden tae bare when you got tae rely on yersel' aw the time. You're wha they verbally abuse when their pissed. You're the yin who hus tae remember the stuff they cannae be arsed retaining information. It's you... just barely haudin' yer clan together. No that ye git a much deserved break. Naw! Just a compliment that tellS you whit ye already knew, but downplay; that yer a good person.

An' on top o' that, you've got yersel' tae take care of. Which doesnae come easy when yer disabled. But ah manage, somehow... Ha! That's the other compliment-worthy thing about me. The fact ah just get on wi' it.

Though, it'd be nice tae huv somebuddy tae turn to when ah feel low, to listen and gie me some perspective. :crying: Cuz my family sure a f*ck don't gie a f*ck aboot my wel-being.
You went home to Lockerbie in June 1988 - 6 months later the place would be famous.
Indeed! It's the main reason why ah don't huv much love for my hometown. :sad: Well, more the association the name of the place has, than the town itself. Even if the place is an utter $h!tehole when comes to places to go. Aside from the pubs, there's plenty o' them. But if ya want to go to see a latest film on the big screen. The nearest cinema is 2 towns away.

Though, to be fair, I was only 9 months old at the time of the air disaster. And my only memory is just me in the pram, as my Mum and older sister walked back to our place with my oldest sister, as her house was impacted by the events of that night. :crying:
both of these are so accurate... The second is frustrating in its accuracy because people respond with "you cant have *insert mental illness*, you dont look like you've got it, you dont act like you've got it". Maybe I've learnt not to show it coz people are all ****s who just make it worse
Yeah, those quotes hit home with me as well. The second one for me sums up a lot of my feelings about my family, and how difficult they are at times. Though, I'll take the "You can't have [insert mental illness] because you don't look or act like you have it" response over the following interaction any day:

My family:"How are you feeling?"
Me: "Depressed"
Family:"Pfft...!! :giggle: No, yer no! Whit d'you huv tae be depressed aboot, anyway?"
Me: :sad: :crying: :kickingmyself:​

Aye, both are just as ignorant and dismissive but, for me, the remark about not "looking like you have a mental illness" is the nicer of the two, in a way. If that makes sense?