Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Well, today's been eventful. My oldest sister's fiancé offered to take me oot for a cuppa coffee, just to get me oot the house. Nae sooner hud we arrived in Dumfries, my oldest sister rings saying she had to leave work early cuz Mum just rang up in tears. Something about being left with my nieces while our middle sibling went away. As the youngest isn't feel well and hasn't been since the weekend.

But, as per, the question: "Whit should ah dae?" is met with "Well, ah dinnae ken, do ah?!" h: Ah dread to think how my family would survive stranded on an island? mg:

Anyway, natural we both assume by my oldest sister's phone call that an argument's kicked off cuz I'm going for a coffee. "Huh! How come naebuddy offers tae take me oot fur a coffee?" But it turns oot it wus'nae that, and my mother had over exaggerated the whole situation. :kickingmyself:

I've got the point where rah even wonder why ah should care anymore. :sad: Ah've said how ah feel, Christ knows I've had to tolerate the arguments long enough.

Other than no much else has been happening. Not that I'm functioning well enough to notice. Barely got much sleep in the last few months, and constantly stressing about what's been happening with my family.

 

[Graeme1988]

Though, I've got a new found hatred for my hometown. Since ah always thought my oldest sister wus seriously exaggerating when she say, "This toon's fulla junkies". Ah used to laugh n' think: "Aye, right..." But 2 days ago, ah fun oot she wus'nae kidding...

As we drove to the post office, we see this, what I assume to a young skinny lassie stand waiting to cross the road beside the Lockerbie war memorial statue in the town centre.

And as we drove past her, ah mutter to myself: "F*ckin hell...!" Her knees were bent, she wus barely upright. You could tell she wus off her face like. Then ma oldest sister starts:

"Did ye that, eh?! She's wus high as owt, her like. Nodding off as she wus waiting tae cross the road there! Daft bitch!"​

Then, just as I'm waiting in the car for my sister nip in and post summit at the post office, this lassie and 2 lad exit the post office. The lassie's got a puffy jacket on, skin tight trousers and a pair o' trainer, the lads are dressed in track suits n' trainer. Nothing usual there, except the lassie hunched o'er lifting a zimmer frame with wheels on, pushing it a few steps then lifting it. Ah! Junkies.

But, the hilarity doesnae stop there, no! One of the lad has the brilliant idea of trying to fix his trainer, which is coming off, by pulling at it as he's walk. So, he's hunched o'er, walking sideways, not looking where he's going. And, as he yanks at his trainer who stumbles and nearly knock the lassie fleein' off the pavement curb. "Oooh! That wus luck", ah say to myself, as they walk around the corner to the block of flats that are just behind the post office and the local bookies. Then my sister comes oot the post office, gets in the car, and is in a crabbit mood.

"10 minutes... F*ckin' ridiculous like. Aw cuz these junkies in the queue ahead o' me didnae huv enough money wi' them. Is that no typical, eh?"
"Wus that the 2 lads n' the lassie wi' a zimmer frame?"
"Aye, how?"
"Ah think they must stay in them flats just roon the corner, there? They went that after the came oot the post office"
"Huh! Doesnae surprise me, that. The council don't care where they rehouse folk like that. Ah mean, you're mair entitled to yin o' them flats?"
​

Then yesterday we spot 2 more junkies, as we're coming back from our run of the back roads. Just as we're going over the railway bridge that leds into the town centre

"Look at this pair", my sister says. "Walking along, checking the pavement to see if anyone dropped any money"
"Seriously?!"
"Aye, that's whit they dae when their rattling after a comedown. Gan oot n' scour the street fur money"​

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't even know if ah should follow through on actually moving oot n' getting a place of ma ain? The way I'm being guilt-tripped and accused of being selfish makes me think ah'll never what ma life could've been like until my mother's dead. :sad: :crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

Dolores O'Riordan dead: The Cranberries​ lead singer dies aged 46 | The Independent

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz-DJr1Qs54

One of the few bands I recall from my childhood, that would come to a huge influence on me when I picked up the guitar and started learning how to play that instrument, myself.

 

[Graeme1988]

Have ye ever pointed summit oot tae a buddy and they've responsed by saying yer talkin' oot yer hole? Well, today my oldest sister made an observation about oor mother that I've been saying since ah wus 18... :kickingmyself:

She's says tae me, aw concerned: "Ah think Mum's gave up... she seems tae huv, anyway"

Ah think she wus expecting me tae echo her concerns n' actually gie a f*ck. But ma response wus very nearly: Where tha f*ck huv you bin fur tha past 15 years?! Ye think ah wus huv a laugh when ah say she's always miserable? Eh?! It's difficult to empathic and caring towards someone who just throws in yer face, and seems to take joy in making you feel just as miserable as her.

But ah opt for the more "to be fair" response of, "Well, ah've tried to motivate her and be positive, but..."​

Though, I did finally get an acknowledgement by my eldest sibling that our mother is genuinely "control freak".

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah cannae f*ckin' take much mair o' this... :sad: :crying:

Whit good is it askin' me how am feelin' ? The cheek o' my mother askin' me if I'm awrite when she just bitched and took issue with me pointing how she never stand up to her youngest daughter. Why cuz they're exactly like - bloody lose their temper at even the slight criticism. But they cun criticise other, aye. Nae hypocrisy there, eh?

15 years later, now she's aw concerned. Huh! Yet when ah used to say how ah wus feeling, the matter o' fact straight to the point answer always got a laugh. Never understood why some folk chuckle at someone saying their depressed. Like even a nervous laugh, how's that an appropriate response. But what do I know... my mother also callously told me to take my own life when my depression really got worse. Which, aye, says more aboot her than me.

Still, it's difficult not to feel a sense of distrust whenever my family ask about my well-being, as they've just used it against me. :thumbdown: As one's family does... :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Why didn't ah put in for a house sooner ? :idontknow:

I'm sick of ma Mum complaining aw the time. She's fed-up, she knackered, can't get anything done. As if she's the yin living in the house. :kickingmyself: But that's how it's been for awhile, and it's a bit late to say it's my house, too.

Cuz in all honesty, it only ever felt like my house those time my mother went over to Ireland, when my older sister and her kids were staying there.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, just telt ma Mum, for the umpteenth time how I've for the last 15 years and got the usual dismissive response of: "Ye shouldnae feel like that" mg: No, attempt at understanding or seeing something from another person's perspective.

Which begs the question how am I supposed to feel about the fact I figuratively and literally got shut out of ma family? :idontknow: The multiple inconsistencies and contradictory statements, the physical, verbal and emotional abuse? :sad: Or the constant negative outlook on things spouted by my mother. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah know us Scots are a dour miserable bunch, but f*ck me - it's endless with my Mum. Always got tae chime in and gie her opinion, which rarely takes the positive view. Though, tae be fair, "Everything's $h¡T" would make an apt motto for the welcome sign intae Lockerbie, were not for the fact ye cun get pretty good take away food and there's a few pub and a tattoo parlour. Beyond that, there's nowt! But ah digress...

It baffles me how my mother cannae see how oor relationship got like this, when it's obvious. Ah wus rarely treated like her son, after I turned 12. Not consistently, anyway. She'd rating n' bitter one minute, usually when I attempting to discuss relationships with the opposite sex. :shyness: Then she'd be telling me that I'm a good guy. And, if we ever got into an argument where she wus wrong, she'd compare me to my Dad - and not purely because I look just like him, either. :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Nothing seems to be going right for me lately. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well... Don't ah feel like a right divvy? :kickingmyself: Uh-huh!!

Just spent three... Three feckin' days o' ma $h!t-tastic life!! Gawkin' at my laptop like a right eejit, giving it this: and a torrent of verbal abuse.

Because an upgraded for this music recording software wus'nae reinstalling.

Turns oot, I'd only just gone n' forgot tae delete this program's folder from my Program Data folder, didn't ah? Meaning there was still remnants from the previous version still oan ma laptop. mg: F*ckin' mortifying... Oh the embarrassment!

Ah just reinstalling the operating system on ma laptop, clean, anaw.

 

[Graeme1988]

Still, got tae laugh, eh...? :bigsmile:
Otherwise, ah'd be greetin' n' in tears aw the time. :crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, at least with this software reinstall, ah cun end the 5 month long hiatus, that been in effect since mid-to-late July 2017. Get the "band" back together, and start making music again.

Ah said "band", it's just me playing with masel', really.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, back square... Whit am I sayin', nuthin' changed in 6 bloody months as far as ah cun tell. :kickingmyself: And things were starting to seem like they were improving these past couple o' days. :crying: Ah feel stuck, like I'm not allowed to get on with ma life. :sad:

Can't be happy, can't do as ah please. Nope, nuthin'!

 

[theslowesthand]

Well, back square... Whit am I sayin', nuthin' changed in 6 bloody months as far as ah cun tell. :kickingmyself: And things were starting to seem like they were improving these past couple o' days. :crying: Ah feel stuck, like I'm not allowed to get on with ma life. :sad:

Can't be happy, can't do as ah please. Nope, nuthin'!

Ah feel stuck also right now. Stuck in a caravan, with stuff-all of my possessions, and not allowed barely any alcohol. My parents are controlling my every move & I DON'T LIKE IT!!!

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah keep asking the same double-barreled question to my mother and older sister, lately.

"Is this how it's gonnae be? Is this oor lives fae now oan!? Eh?"​

Ah keep expecting an answer that never comes. No, just the same bleak, depressing, cold, hopeless answer. Matter of fact and to the point. :crying: :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah feel stuck also right now. Stuck in a caravan, with stuff-all of my possessions, and not allowed barely any alcohol. My parents are controlling my every move & I DON'T LIKE IT!!!

That sounds like $h!%... Whereas am stuck in the house - a house that's technical mine, cuz am paying more rent money, but it doesnae feel like it - wondering if ah made the right choice deciding to apply for a place o' ma own. :idontknow: :sad:

Confided to my bedroom cuz that's the only part o' the house where ah feel at ease, unless I'm by myself. Having to fend for myself cuz my mother too concerned her spoiled brat of a youngest daughter to even acknowledge me. And she's say ah shouldnae feel like ma mother doesnae gie a f*ck aboot me?! :thumbdown: Sorry, but ah judge folk by their actions, not just their words. Ah mean, I'm too the neglect, ah just wish ma Mum would own up the fact and acknowledge that she prioritised her daughters over her only son, who's disabled.

Not saying, ah deserve more attention. Just that it would've been nice, if just once, my mother helped me when ah asked for help, y'know? ::

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, the day been both productive and rather $h!% for productive in that boredom has made me want tae creative. Whereas as a few months ago the motto wus "C.B.A" - cannae be arsed. Though, to be fair, am still raging at the news that wus given tae me the other day. Nowt tae do wi' me, though. Naw! It wus ma sister...

Who tha f*ck rejects a perfectly good house fae yer local housing department, just cuz ye dinnae like the wallpaper? mg: :kickingmyself: Cannae believe... ah thought ma olsest sister wus joking until ah say, "Eh? Yer joking? She really... F*ckin' hell !!"

Which tells ye a lot aboot me n' oldest sister, right there, as far as oor mother spoiled most. Me? Wus it f*ck! Y'see, if it were me, ah wouldnae gie a f*ck aboot the wallpaper. It's a house... Kitchen? Living room? Bedrooms? Bathroom? Awrite, grand! Ah'll see to the redecorating later...

But, because the middle child never emotionally matured beyond the teenage year, in my opinion at least, she's still got that, "Ooh, whit will folk, whit will ma friends think o' me?" mentality. :thumbdown: So, I envision that, the other day, she drove to see this flat, and upon seeing how minging the wallpaper wus, recoiled in horror, screamed, then said:

"Naw, naw, am away ! They walls are gonnae make me seek"​

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, f*ck me, am a virgin! Now, she admits the truth... :thumbdown:

My older sister recently confessed to our oldest sister and oor mother that...she got high standards. Gasp! Shock horror!

Ken summit, ah'd never o' f*ckin' cop that. Naw! The smug, condescending voice and the fact she doesnae gie a f*ck aboot anybuddy but herself were in nay way a clue? Or the fact she'll flee into a rage when confronted wi' the truth. Cuz when she hear summit she doesnae, the middle child goes off and causes devastation on par wi' a drone strike on an Afghan primary school... Ooh!

Worst still is how she's never wrong. Nope, it's always the person criticising her. Which telling ye all ye need to know about my mother parenting skills. Or lack thereof ? Oh, but it gets better...

After me sending yet another "When tha f*ck are you lot gonnae dae summit about this situation? C'mon, tae f*ck! D'ye want me to leave, huh?!" email, she confesses tae me, today, that she considering taking time off work to deal with the situation and negative oor middle sibling has caused o'er the last nearly 6 months. :kickingmyself:

Which would be great, cuz I'm dying for use to get together and discuss everything. Cuz it'll just be me going off ma heid n' raging. :veryangry: This tense, angry, sweary rant. Oh, I'd gan tae town, mocking them, me, my family as collective.