Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Don't worry, we here at socialphobiaworld will help you through the transition!

Good tae know, man. :bigsmile:

I'm actually going to get in touch with my local council in a few weeks time and make them aware I'm looking to move, so they put my name down as someone needing re-housed. Then I just have wait til they find a place that means my accessibility requirements.

And, after sending ma oldest sister yet another rant email about our middle sibling, she's agreed to help me out in terms of the paperwork. Ah just telt her that if she thought oor Mum wus struggling to cope, I'm huvin a helluva a time. And that past 3 months huv just confirmed tae me that I'd better off on my own...

That said, it wus reassuring tae know that my eldest sister and her boyfriend are feeling equally as stressed oot with everything that's went on since August. We discussed during a trip into town to pay the electricity bill for Mum. So, I'm not the only yin feeling it. Even if my Mum's constant nagging for the past few months wus redefined as her "confiding in me". :crying: Though, she did point oot that, as pissed off as I am aboot our mother repeatedly bang on aboot how she's fed-up, she appreciates me more now than when ah wus younger. But she hoping things dinnae git worse, to which ah said that ah did, just so ah cun prove that ah wus right when ah said naebuddy in my immediate family, except me, can settle an argument like an adult. To which she agreed our sister is very immature at times.

Mind you, ah wus'nae quite prepared for my eldest sibling, who is a support worker for people with mental health issues, revealing to me that our middle sister is more unreasonable than the folk she gets paid to support.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah seriously doubt things'll be the same between my Mum and I once it get back to just the two of us in the house. Even if neither my oldest sister or our mother want to acknowledge that. Naw! No after the sh¡te we've endured fur tyhe past few months! Nae chance! :veryangry:

As I'm seriously contemplating cutting my older sister outta my life and having anything to with her for however many years it takes for her to change her attitude? Not we get along anyway. But I'm worried she might start bad mouthing me to my nearly 3 year old niece if I assertively telt my older sister to f*ck off, similar to what she did to me back in the middle of August this year. Since she doesnae like being spoken to in the same manner or as she does with me, her sister or our Mum. :thumbdown:

And my nearly 3 year old niece seems to like me for some reason... :idontknow: And she does tends to do as she told if I'm the yin asking her to do summit. So mibbe that's why? :question: As I don't have raise ma voice and yell at her in order for her to do as she's telt...

 

[Graeme1988]

Well... Turns out I'm on the wrong list regardings my income-related benefit as it relates to my disabilty benefit. :thumbdown: And ah wouldnae huv known that if ah didnae get a bill to play for ma glasses that ah got back in April, and phoned up to say they've made a mistake billing for the gegs.

Seems like an apt time to posted this depressing, but insightful documentary about what it's like living as a genuinely disabled person in the UK. :veryangry:​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Npuh4im0jY

On the plus side, in addition to the money I current get on benefits, I'm now entitled to an additional £15 a month due to this error.

 

[Graeme1988]

Another months of this... Awww, yet feckin joking, man?! :kickingmyself: Another 3 months o' listening to middle sister yelling her head off, and oor mother telling how she ...cannae wait til this o'er! and going: Gawd gie me f*ckin' strength!", through gritted teeth.

Great! Ah'll try ma best to resist provoking her with sensible, logical advice. Oh, and resist the urge to allow ma temper to get the better o' me. :bat: Cuz a slap or right hook would... Naw, wait this is ma sister am talking aboot. Knowing ma luck, with her temper she end up stabbing tae death.

 

[Graeme1988]

Not that I'm advocating male on female violence here, it's just... How d'ye get through to somebuddy who's prone to volatile, threatening outbursts, especially if they refuse to calm down and/or physically resist when you try to keep them from hitting ya? :question: :idontknow:

 

[theslowesthand]

On the plus side, in addition to the money I current get on benefits, I'm now entitled to an additional £15 a month due to this error

:thumbup:.

 

[Graeme1988]

^ Sadly it's the only good thing to happen to me in the last 3 months. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, ah just martyred ma f*ckin' soul n' buggered any chance o' living a happy life. Apparently, I'm the member o' my family who isnae allowed to vent how I'm feeling when everything's going crap around me? :crying:

Naw, am just supposed tae sit in ma room n' pretend nuthin's gan on -as I listen to my older sister, at the top of her voice, berate the utter f*ck outta o' our poor, selfless mother with insults that ya wouldnae even say tae pals, let alone the wummin who birth and raised ye, ken whit ah mean? Bloody disgracefully like. :thumbdown:

But hey, in my family, criticism of how ya act n' behave is seen as a personal f*ckin' attack which amounts to saying ye dinnae love them. Quite Orwellian, ah think you'd agree, eh?! And a sign that someone's a right narcissistic c*nt if ye ask me like. And in ma case, ah don't love them... Not collectively, at least. Individually, it's just my mother and oldest sister whom ah really love. :sad:

Ah mean, heaven forbid, ye be critical o' yer ain family once in a while. Are we not all supposed to held to accountable for how we act and treat each other? If so, does that mean ah cun go about being the most intimidating, sexist, unpleasant person and get away it? Maybe if ah wus Harvey Weinstein... Too soon?!

 

[Graeme1988]

Huvin said aw that, ma family will be glad to be rid o' me. As I'm really just a burden to them. An inconvenience... A useless loser, etc. ::

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, I forget to mention afore ah stormed oot the house earlier this evening. My older sister hud the never to ask me what it's like to raise to kinds on yer own when yer husband's left ye?

To which is: "Naw, ah dinnae. But she does!", pointed at our Mum who raised me and my older sibling on her own, then walked out my front doors, angrily spitting: "F*ckin' c*nts!", as made my way to the front gate. :veryangry:

Then that wus me, off to my local cafe for my caffeine fix, then round to me older sisters to explain the situation, and bitch about our middle sister some more.

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[Graeme1988]

What to do with all this frustration, rage and self-loathing? :kickingmyself: :veryangry: :thinking:
Anyway, while I figure that out, here's another poem by Irish singer-songwriter, Janet Devlin, that resonates with me. :sad:​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtfuj1VrCCs

 

[Graeme1988]

Anybuddy here familiar enough with the tech side o' things in terms of laptops and hard driver readers? :question:

Just asking as I've got some hard drives that I formatted for using on a laptop I no longer own, and need a HDD reader compatible with the latest version of Windows to see what on these hard drives that were formatted for use with Windows 7. :idontknow:

And ah really could do to see what's on them, and see if there's any old files I want to move to my 4 terabyte external hard drive, then wipe them so I can sell the old drives on for a bit of money. As I no longer have any use for my old hard drives due the limited storage space on them.

 

[theslowesthand]

Anyway, while I figure that out, here's another poem by Irish singer-songwriter, Janet Devlin, that resonates with me

I bet she could do a wicked Gollum impression! :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't know how much more o' this ah cun f*ckin' take! :crying: :kickingmyself: Seriously, ah'll probably be the yin who's deid afore the year done, not my mother. :sad: Startin' tae think ah should've just moved oot at beginning o' the year following ma guy instinct when ah first telt ma mother, shouldnae o' let masel' be talked oot o' it. Cuz ah could in a place of my own by now. :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

Really wanted to write about how much things huv improved for me since last year.

But ever since, about the end of June, this year has been utter sh!te! ::

 

[Graeme1988]

Apparently, according to eldest sister, I'd probably find it difficult were to get a place of my own. :lol:
How's that gonnae be any different than now, with me leaving my room if I need to use the toilet or get something to eat? :thinking: :idontknow: Think I'm going to be crying myself to sleep at night missing the very folk who made my life miserable for years? Aye, sure...

 

[Graeme1988]

I bet she could do a wicked Gollum impression! :bigsmile:

:thinking: Aye, she probably could, right enough.

 

[Graeme1988]

Feeling depressed, lately. Wish ah hud a family member to confide in without that makin' things worse. :crying:

Also, not particularly happy that ever time ah pick up my lecky gee-tar as of late, ah just play this fast, down-picked, thrashy 16th note gallop riff, throwing in the occasional pinch harmonic. :kickingmyself: It's like a Slayer or Napalm Death parody. Not that I hate that, it's just there's nowt to do with it as far as making it a song. :alone: Tried writing poetry/lyrics but those are equally as depressing. :sad:

As ye cun probably ah want, no need, to get tha f*ck oot o' my family home as soon as. I've considered the cons, and the only downside is see is financial, as far not have as much money in terms of my benefits. Plus, it won't just be me who get hit by my moving out, my mother going to worse off as well.

 

[Graeme1988]

Another day, another blazing f*ckin' argument. :kickingmyself: F*ck knows who incited it, but ah'll take a guess...

Anyway, I'm listening to this gan on doonstair, with the usual mix of despair and murderous rage, when eldest sister just came upstairs tae ma room in tears and says she'd see me later, as we were going to head to post office to get some things I recently sold on eBay away.

And apparently to quote my incredibly immature ungrateful, inconsiderate c*nt of a bitch middle sibling:

"This family are bunch of f*ckin' arseholes! F*ck the lotta yous!!"​

Always nice tae know we're appreciated...

Am thinkin' aboot disowning my middle sister entirely, and never speaking to her again. It's just her attitude, her ego, the violatile temper. She is a very unpleasant person, to put it nicely. We've never gotten on, really.

Her, the loud, obnoxious, spoiled brat. Me, the neglected, overlooked, "smart" loner kid - who wus and is the emotional punching bag for ma family. :thumbdown:

But hey, mair reason tae strike on ma ain, innit?! Get rid o' the dysfunctional psycho-fannies once and for all, huh? Ah mean ah huv been tolerate them pretty much all my life. The closest ah ever got to knowing ma mother really were when she'd sound off at me aboot whit's bother her about her daughter. Even if it does pisses me off that ah'd get lumped it by her saying:

"Yous aw treat me like sh!t - nane o' ye speak tae me like am yer mother!"​

Yet, I've never in aw ma days, treated my mother the way my sisters huv - particularly my middle sister. She hus made our poor Mum's life hellish over the years. Obsessively questioning: "Why? Why? Why?" And never knowing when to let an issue go and moving on... How she maintained a 14 years marriage is beyond me like. Living with someone prone to that level of rage if ye say summit she perceive as "wrong". Nae wonder I'm only yin - aside fae my mother - who is still single. mg:

Seems like it'd be best for me to just remove myself from this toxic environment. :crying:

Sorry, don't mean to across as a misogynistic arse, ah don't hate wimmin. Just the ones I grew up around and wus raised by.