When did it become socially acceptable to demonise and berate men for men? Just wondering, cuz it's something I got from my family for much of my life. The whole never being good enough, projecting all my father's traits onto me. Having to stick around because the women in my family see that as my role. Caring for and supporting them at the expense of my physical and mental health. :sad:
And constantly being blamed for shit that wus'nae ma fault. :kickingmyself:
Christ! I'm trying to figure why my mother even bothered to have and raise me if she "hates all men" so much?
Don't know how much more of this I can take?! Ah feel like a prisoner in ma own home. In fact, I am!:crying:
My mother has complained to me for the past month about how she's fed-up and at her wits end having my middle sister and her kids staying with us. Then f*ckin' fling them oot. Tell 'em to f*ck n' live elsewhere. It's no mine or mum's responsibility to accommadate them.
One of them's a right misbehaving lil c*nt! Why huv kids if ye didnae actually want them in the first place?!
And apparently, I'm not allowed some peace from the wracket going on at the moment.
Christ knows my middle sister will react to me going for my tattoos next month? Cuz I'm not even allowed outta the house!
How fair is that?! :kickingmyself:
I'll be so glad when things are back to how they were. Though, I'll probably be so happy that's the case, I'll take my own life to ensure I never have be subjected the level of psychological abuse and intimidation again. :crying:
I mean, f*ck me! I might be a big, intimiting looking lad. But looks can be deceiving. Cuz, let me tell ye, I'm a big jessie (a big softie), really.
Wish my family stop this manipulative back n' forth of saying they love me, but continuiously treating me sh!t. :sad:
I've forgotten how useful porn (& photos of women in general) is for me.
It's LIKE they are "giving" themselves to me; ie i virtually have their love/affection & body/sex. I don't get any of this stuff from the real world, and i seem to need it, from time to time ... so WHY NOT, eh. I mean, that's what these pictures are for, to give men (& some women) what they have a need for - it fills a real need. It's even more essential for guys like me, who are unable to date or otherwise find women company in the real world; it's like a lifeboat in that sense. Okay, so it's not real women company, but you can imagine it to be, so in essence it is.
Aye, the only man in their bloody lives who actually treated them fairly = Gasp! And never bought into that sh!te-talk about "muh feelings" when they were being unreasonable. Nor the idea that they always know what's best. Since, every time they've claimed they know how to do something without me showing them or talking them through it, they always mess up. Then, naturally, blame me. :thumbdown:
But that is definitely a recurring thought of mine as of late. But they're so quick to deny it, and say I'm being irrational to even say that.
Yet, their actions and attitude tell a very different story. And the hate-filled "Men are [email protected]$%@rds!" rhetoric I've heard from them over the years. :idontknow: Though, at this point in ma life, ah couldnae give a f*ck if they don't like me. The feeling mutual... As I don't like them just as much.
Really tired of this stressful situation I'm in the middle of right now. :sad:
But what really gets me is my mum's insist that, despite her age, she has to be on her feet help my middle sister with her kids everyday.
My middle sister just expects things to be that way because our mum never bothered to teach her how to be responsible for herself. Naw, she got telt to find herself a good man, cuz then everything would get done for her. h:
Whereas I took the "Gordon Ramsay approach" of tell our mum to f*ck off every time she insisted ah wus'nae capable of learning how to take I'm masel'. Might seem harsh, but ya don't hear or see me throwing a fit n' going:
"How d'ye dae this?! Eh!? Awww!! Ah cannae... FUR F*CK!! :kickingmyself: :crying: Just leave me... alone! Leave me!"
Every time I'm faced with a new, difficult experience
Well, what a pure sh!te few days I've had. Done bugger all...
Unless ya count me, in response to my mum jokingly saying we'd be sectioned under the mental health act and institutionalised, quickly coming back with: "Already there" - totally deadpan. But said cuz I mean feckin meant it.
Oh, and about 3 days ago, ah nearly punched my own mother in the face cuz she swore at me as ah didnae take ma Adidas trainers off as I was going to get my shower. Which resulted in me doing an impression of Gordon Ramsay, and told her to...
Mum: "Take yer shoes off n' pit yer slipper own" Me: "Eh?! But am gan doon the stairs tae git ma shower" Mum: "Take them off n' put yer slipper! Me: "No! There's nae point if am just gan 'ae take them off anaw" Mum: "PUT YER F*CKIN' SLIPPER ON! Me: "You fuc..." Mum: "Only joking" Me: "D'ye see me laughing?! Eh!?" Mum: "No...", she whispers. As I, pissed off, turn and march downstairs. "Take yer shoe..."
I get half way down the stairs when I sit down and angrily took off my shoes, saying the following as I did so:
"Here! Take the f*ckin' shoes... and f*ck off!", I snap. Slamming my shoes down the stairs beside me. :veryangry:
So, my social anxiety is a bunch of BS, according to my middle sister. But hey, I'm the one who lacks empathy for other people. :idontknow:
Amazing how folk don't look beyond the surface. It's not easy being born brain damaged and having to live with that, as well as having mobility issues and a learning disabilty to contend with. Contray to what many would like to think about how "easy" disabled people have it - I do NOT have things easy.
Far from it. Ah huv tae make extra effort for moment ah get up in the morning. F*ck! Ah even huv to remember how to walk properly. Any of you able-bodied, fully functioning "normals" gotta do that?! Huh?! :veryangry: Who give a flyin' f*ck anyhow? I'm the last person that it's social acceptable to discrimate against, so f*ckin' have at it! Oh, and ah don't claim to f*ckin' know everythin' either! Or see myself as better than... But whatever.
We're aw stuck in a rut noo... My mother and I. Middle sister logic strikes again! .
Ah mean, never-f*ckin'-mind if, whenever I offer to do something, my mum will insist that she'll do, even when I say I don't mind. Who um ah tae disagree?! Eh?! Oh, and she has, in the past, thrown raging fits when ah did try and be of helpful. Is it my fault that my mum is so selfless?
Naw, apparently, enjoy one's ain solitude and leaving the house when ya f*ckin' feel like it or if ye huv tickets for a show. That's pure c*ntish behaviour! Sittin' there wae yer f*ckin' headphones on, reading... a f_ckin book! mg:
As ah said to my oldest sister - who laughed at me for making this point - if you put a mini fridge freezer - stock up with liquor, whiskey, yogurts, chocolate and enough Irn Bru to turn ma skin orange - in ma bedroom, that'd be me. Happy as Larry, man! Ye wouldnae see me ataw, ootside o' sh!tting, showering or shaving. :bigsmile: Not once like. Probably forget yer name after about 6 months, but then I'm crap at remembering folk's names
Anyway, slight but relevant digression aside. According my middle sister, ya cannae be daein the thing day in, day oot. So, f*ck getting a job like. Just become a big gypo gypsy, and buy yersel' a motor-home. Then everyday's an adventure! Ah mean, her life's not quite the adventure it was - aside from her kids being an absolute arse-ache to deal with. But what do ah know? I'm just an "old" disabled person who's not all that educated. And, since I mentioned the idea of life as an adventure... F*ck appreciating how good ya huv it, even though ya struggle to get by. Roof o'er yer heid, yer no starving for food; clothes on yer back and a bed to sleep in at night. Some folk aren't so lucky, y'know...
Oh, and not all of us huv the luxury of being able to get out o' the house on a f*ckin whim, either. :thumbdown:
Somehow, it's always my fault. Am tae blame! So, not only are my family incable to resolving arguments like a civilised, "normal" f*ckin' person, they also fail when it comes to taking responsibilty for how they act. :kickingmyself: That's like me losing an item that I misplaced n' gan tae my mother:
"This is yer f*ckin' fault, ken that?!"
Ah honestly don't know what tae do anymore. F*ckin' off and living on a mountain like Luke Skywalker did in that recent Star Wars movie sounds like a plan. But... who knows? I mean I'm at end o' my tether here. :sad: And I know the same ol' promise will be spouted, as it was last year when I was lying in a hospital bed with baith ma legs in plaster.
"Okay, Graeme - I'll change, ah promise!"
So much for keepin' yer word, huh?! :thumbdown:
Or maybe people like me just weren't meant for this world?
I'll be getting my next tattoo(s) next week. Yet, I haven't even thought about the placement of them. That shows ya how much my mind has been clouded in the past month. :sad: I'm actually dreading going cuz Tag - the tattoo artists regularly chat to me about how things have been, and I'm feart I'm just going to breakdown in feckin' tears. :crying: As the past month has been utter shite. ::
Finally... some f*ckin' honesty from my mother for once. :applause: No lies, nae change the subject. Thank f*ck! Nearly 20 years of being called a liar and [email protected]$%@rd for questioning why she is how she is. The tantrums, silent treatment and death threats at knife-point for "disobeying" her or telling it like it is. Oh wait, she's a narcissistic parent and a big time man-hating feminist.
My middle sister should be getting a house of her own in a few weeks time. So, we'll all be glad of that - me, my eldest sister and our mum at least. But I've telt my mum I'll keep quiet until then. But as soon as that day comes, my middle sibling is going to get a f*ckin' reality check about her feckin' attitude on that day. :veryangry: I've had enough of the smug, direspectful, childish attitude and the semantics arguments. Seriously! I'm done putting up with this sh!te... :thumbdown:
Just overheard and witnessed another huge f*ck-off row between Queen Victoria - the middle sister and the Scottish Freddy Krueger drag act tribute that is the eldest sibling. Anyway, there shoutin' and my eldest comes up to ma room says: "Am away! See ya the morn", peck on the cheek and... No, she not gone!
I quietly make my way doonstair to use the toilet, and it's esculated. I just hear my eldest saying: "Yer always tae make assumptions..."
Ah stop before turn to go into the bathroom. Shaking my heid in disgust and despair. Thankfully, the only Mum saw me. And as I close the bathroom door, I just shrug my shoulder at my eldest sister, as if to say: Adult? Aye sure!
But he middle sister's still at it, gie it laldy wae the gob at full volume. Her 2 and half year old beside her. She standing in the doorway o' the kitchen. Mum clutching at her to holding her back, cuz she's hunched forward as if she's gonnae lunge forth n' deck the eldest sis upside the heid.
And she's screaming: "Let me go! GET OFF ME!! LET ME GO!! I'M AN ADULT, MUM!! LET ME GO!!!"
Then Mum starts crying: "Dinnae... Don't go! Where will ye gan?!" :crying: "AH DON'T KNOW MUM!! JUST LET ME GO! AM NO WANTED HERE!!"
And I thought our neighbours were bad for shouting at each other. F*ck me!! mg:
That said ah did manage to finally, possibly heal the fractured relationship with my mother after my failed attempted back in May 2012 in the wake of my father passing away. Ah said my peace, had some unfavourable words to say but the truth had to be acknowledged. And for once there wus nae "Ah dinnae want to talk about this now...Leave it!". No, excuses or changing the subject or her storming off in the huff and gieing me the silent treatment for 2 days.
Instead, honesty! Ah, a breakthrough in civilised communcation! No yelling necessary! Aye, there were moments where I swore and said the c-word. But I've been utterly pissed off and stressed oot for the past month, so ah think it's only fair that ah express masel' in that language.
Turns out I'm not the "lazy", "difficult", "useless [email protected]$%@rd" that I've been made out to be for the past 15 years.
And, when I pointed out that my mum spends a lotta her time lying on the living couch, watching TV and moaning that she's got stuff to do but can't be arsed, she agreed. And actually said:
"Aye, you actually dae mair roon this hoose than ah do" Which is ironic considering I rarely leave my bedroom most day, other than to use to toilet or grab a bite to eat between meals