Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Well, today wus a productive afternoon. Oldest sibling and I went house-hunting on the middle child's behalf... again. :kickingmyself: A subtle hint there that we all want her and wee 'uns tae f*ck off.

Hud yet another argument. This time between my mother, oldest sister and myself as to why my mum doesnae quite get why the middle sister is acting how she is. Quick as owt, eldest yin goes: "It's cuz she's used to huvin things done for her. That how..." Follow by me saying I did offer to move oot. To which the auld sis chimmed in again, this time wonder: "Why would you move oot?" And I just snap back that wus: "Because ah f*ckin' knew it'd be exactly this afore she f*ckin' got here! F*ckin' naggin' an' shouting"

Though, that's not nearly as distress as the conversation ah tried tae huv with my mother about this whole situation, before I went for a shower and the eldest sibling came round. She sighs to me and says she's fed-up with everything. Which promoted this back n' forth as I was getting read for ma shower:

Me: "Why d'ye put up with it then?!"
My Mum: "Ah don't know... Just ignore it. I'm used to it, anyway"
Me: "Ah dinnae git you like. As a someone who's been in past abusive relationship, why d'ye..."
Mum: :idontknow:
Me: "Answer me this. then? How comes yer quick to talk back tae me when..."
Mum: "Ah know"
Me: "...ah shout n' berate you like that. Ye dinnae like it then, d'ye? But you'll just take it fae either o' them. Naw, dinnae gimme telt cuz what would ye huv tae f*ckin' moan tae me aboot?! Why d'ye tolerate it?!"
Mum: "Ah'll pit yer clathes in the living room. Mind n' pick up that towel, there"​

:sad: Um ah the only yin who's sees a glaring issue here? Or am I just imagine it? So, yer children are supposed to huv nae respect fur ye whatsoever and be allowed to treat ye like shit?

 

[Graeme1988]

Must admit though, will things look bleak at the minute. Ah did huv a moment after getting ma shower, were I little a wee unintentional laugh. Mainly at the disbelief of how I could actually be relate to such horrible, narrcissistic women.

This thread getting a bit too depresin', innit? Let's lighten the mood a bit. Then I'll gan back n' finish off that story ah started a few months ago about what 2016 wus like fur me. Since that hus a more upbeat vibe about it.

In the meantime, laugh and enjoy these videos of Scottish people being really angry and swearing. :bigsmile:​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_9FHihGD2Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo4QCOHfrac
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqmDq6IiF_Q

 

[Graeme1988]

D'ye think I'll ever break this cycle? The abuse across the board - physical, mental, emotional? The blaming and shaming for being a man? Oh yeah, ah wus ahead o' ma time. Social justice, virtue-signaling types were around look before Twitter gave 'em a voice. :sad:

I know it's possible like, I just don't know if ah cun make them - my family - seen themselves for the psychopathic fannies that they are? Cuz telling them what they don't want to hear hasn't worked, and believe me I've tried for the past 15 years.

Not being a downer here, I'm trying to just wait out this family drama. But I'm afraid of what I might do to them or family if I ever sit in the same room. I mean, this rage has been dwelling within in me for years now. Y'know what I mean? And my mother finally acknowledging that she's taken me for granted has kinda been the tipping point for it.:thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

Shawn James, Black Freelance Writer: Ways Single Mothers Destroy Their Sons

Sadly this article doesn't just apply to black men being raised in single-mum household. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, I'm still alive. There's summit no quite right in huvin tae acknowledge that.

I'm at a very low point right now, but if I say anything that'll just making things worse because apparently my problems aren't real. :sad: Even though I'm probably more at risk of a mental breakdown since I'm observing it and just watch as the middle sister and her kids throw tantrums at not getting things their way.

I'd love to have summit happier to post about, ah really dae. But right now, unwanted and unpleasant thoughts cloud my mind, like a fog. :kickingmyself: F*ck knows how I'll be once things are back to being peaceful? :idontknow: As I see myself punch my mother in face and yelling for her to stab me and this misery.

Though, one thing is for certain: I'm definitely moving oot after I turn 30. F*ck the pros and cons or talking it. If ma oldest sibling believes I'll cope with minimal care then, that's all I need to know. Cuz I've been stuck in the middle of arguments for past 20 years, it's amazing how I ended up being more mature and wise than both my older sisters and my mother combined.

 

[Graeme1988]

My oldest sister says she'd be happy to let me stay at her hoose, if ah feel that ah need to get some peace away from the recent family drama. And considering I felt cooped up in my bedroom for the past, ah think ah need a change o' scene for a wee while.

Don't know how well that'd gan doon with the middle sister like? Since she wus'nae too happy that ah storm doon the stair after being wakened by the sound o' her shouting, only to point out that shouting didnae help. She pretty much throw a tantrum when ah patronising said: "D'ye like... D'ye hear yersel' right noo? Cun ye hear how you actually sound, shoutin' like that?"

So, I'd imagine me saying I need to get away for awhile will just cause argument between my mum and sisters.

"Whit da f*ck's he daein gan away to stay o'er there fur?"
"Och! Just leave him be, it's stressful fur aw o' us"
"Naw, naw! How come he git tae pack-up n' f*ck off?!"
"Cuz he's probably f*ckin' sick o' listening tae you n' the wee 'uns"​

Though, they might actually feel so f*ckin' empathy for me for once! Or perhaps get a taste of their own medicine and feel guility for making me feel bad. :thinking: :sad:

Definitely know that ah need tae f*ck somewhere quiet for awhile. Sitting here moping in my room doesnae dae ma mental health any favours, nor does ma middle sister yelling at our mother. Oh yeah, I'm about ready to snap here... and just go mental. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

My oldest sister says she'd be happy to let me stay at her hoose, if ah feel that ah need to get some peace away from the recent family drama. And considering I felt cooped up in my bedroom for the past, ah think ah need a change o' scene for a wee while.

So, does this sound like a plan? :question: Or am I just being a selfish b@$%@rd leaving tha family hoose, a month efter the middle sister moved back home with her wee 'uns, while in the middle of a rather bitter divorce? :idontknow:

Or should I just, for once in ma boring life, not give a f*ck aboot any o' that - and just do what's best for me? :question:

 

[theslowesthand]

People are generally stronger and better when in a family unit that is supportive and loving. Men and women are stronger together than alone

What about childless single people? Would this also apply to them? :question:
And what about people who never want children? People with SA & introversion who have difficulties with others? :question:

 

[theslowesthand]

So, does this sound like a plan? Or am I just being a selfish b@$%@rd leaving tha family hoose, a month efter the middle sister moved back home with her wee 'uns, while in the middle of a rather bitter divorce?

Or should I just, for once in ma boring life, not give a f*ck aboot any o' that - and just do what's best for me?

Sounds like a decent plan. Mind you, all plans have their pitfalls, but as long as you know what the pitfalls are & are still happy with it, then i'd say go for it! :bigsmile: (ps don't worry about bein selfish, as you are lookin after yeself! )

 

[Graeme1988]

The destruction of the family has happened in all cultures all over the world. People are generally stronger and better when in a family unit that is supportive and loving. Men and women are stronger together than alone. A woman trying to raise kids alone is completely screwed imo...but it is the norm now-a-days! Boys need their Dad's girls need their Moms. Feminism destroyed families. It was intentional. I know that's not popular for a woman to say, I don't care.

Thanks for saying that, Molly. :applause: :thumbup: It's rare to hear a woman going against this feminist idea that women are just a capable, and better than men, when it comes to raising kids.

:sad: Sadly I know first-hand just how much of a disadvantage yer at, being raised by a single-mum as opposed to single-dad. I mean, not to pick sides here, but my dad, for all his faults, gave me advice that ah wish I'd paid attention to. Stop making excuses for why I didn't do something, and just do it. And that, just cuz you were good at a certain thing, didn't meant a couldn't learn. He was always telling me:

"A positive attitude is the best way to ensure you won't fail" in that Kenyan accent of him.
And me, like an absolute eejit, just went: "Aye, yer not wrong there" mg:​

 

[Graeme1988]

What about childless single people? Would this also apply to them?
And what about people who never want children? People with SA & introversion who have difficulties with others?

Not to such an extent, but it helps to have some kinda support. I mean I don't want children of my own, but that pure from knowing I wouldn't be a good parent.

Though, I think your question would depend upon how yer upbringing was and the lessons learnt from yer family at an early age. If they spoiled ya, did everything for you and never taught you how to cope properly, then you'll find life difficult, more so as a parent. My middle sister is prime example of that.

Whereas I was more I was more forceful in not allowing my mum to do everything for me, no matter how well meaning she was being. Constantly making the point that she didnae need to insist on doing things for me as the time; my disability doesnae mean I'm incapable. Ah even telt her to f*ck off from time to time. Oh aye, we got into many a verbal confrontation. :veryangry:

Ah know that seems ungrateful to say, but she sure appreciate it now. Which is kinda sad cuz she spent so many years telling I was stubborn, difficult and demanding. How nothing was ever good enough. Yet, ironically, these were my middle sister's traits, not mine. And while I don't often tell her I love her, I've always appreciated what my mum did for me. Was always willing to cooperate and help her as much as she does me. Never questioned her if she told me to do something, unless it was to make a suggestion.

Unlike my sisters who... Well, the middle sister will question and nitpick everything to the point where ya just give up with her. And the oldest always thinks she know better, like if you ask her to buy you something specific for Christmas or yer birthday and it wus summit ya really wanted, she get ya summit totally different than what ye asked for. :kickingmyself:

Christ! The only time I ever really gst mad at her wus when she'd ignore my advice and do something her way, then ask me how she got it wrong.

And anytime my oldest sister goes away for a few days - beit a holiday or related to her job - she always says: "Look after Mum. Make sure she awrite and help oot" Every time, to the point where we actually had a following out over it, about 3 years ago cuz I felt as though she was burdening me with too much responsibility. I felt this added pressure to care for myself, despite living with a disability, and my mother, who's getting on in years.

Sorry if that was a long rambling way of answering questions thst could've been summed up with:

"Well, it kinda depends oan you as a person, and how ya were raised" ​

 

[Graeme1988]

Sounds like a decent plan. Mind you, all plans have their pitfalls, but as long as you know what the pitfalls are & are still happy with it, then i'd say go for it! (ps don't worry about bein selfish, as you are lookin after yeself!)

Pitfalls?! D'ye think I'm gonnae miss listening to arse-aching petty arguments that are currently a daily occurrence? D'ye think I'll miss eating supermarket bought ready meals - or TV dinners as the Yanks call 'em - fur muh dinner? Or my mother greeting me, as she comes into my room and opens my bedroom curtains, with:

"Hiya! Ye awrite?" Sleep well?"
"Aye! Yersel', how's you?"
"Och! (sigh!) I'm totally fed-up. Wish ah could run away" :kickingmyself:
​

The only pitfall is trying to explain to my middle sister that I'm not being selfish.

"Yer daein this cuz o' me, aren't ye?! Tell me! It's ma f*ckin' fault, innit?! Always ma fault! FUR F*CK SAKE!!" mg:
And she'll persist with this "interrogation" until ya just f*ckin' snap. :veryangry:​

 

[Graeme1988]

Might actually reconsider gan tae stay at my oldest sister. :thinking: Mainly because it's cause more stress for my mum cuz the middle sister will read into it way too f*ckin' much - as she does. That's how amist arguments start eat her! :thumbdown:
Plus, ma mum did just tell she's barely coping as it is, and if she didnae huv me tae ven't her feelings at, she'd probably snap n' do summit "drastic". :crying:And she's already broke down in tears twice over the past 3 weeks.

Since we're baith in the same boat, my mum and I, as far huvin someone else's drama to deal with, when we don't need it.

And ah just huv this image of the confrontation, in which ah huv tae justify ma reason fur going away fur 2 days, gan doon like this:

This sitcom, inappropriate as it wus basically defined my childhood. ​

Rab C. Nesbitt

So, ah think I'm gonnae stay fur those reasons. Mibbe try gittin' oot that house more often? Who knows, ma mum might actually start to realise just how much she (my mum) spoiled my middle sister by doing everything for her when she comes to visits. And that my oldest sister and I were right in that regard.

 

[Graeme1988]

Just found out my middle sister is going to counselling once a week. Personally, ah think it's a bit late for her. Ah mean, if you're still reacting like a spoiled brat when things don't go yer way and yer well into adulthood. Well, I'm sorry you'll never change yer ways. Nor acknowledge you've got issues. Naw! It's everyone else who has deep seeded issues, innit? :kickingmyself:

F*ckin' sick o' this pish! My mother hus said the same thing, or a variation of it, fur the past month noo.

"(sigh!) Cannae wait til this o'er"
"I'm at ma wits end, ken that?"
"Gawd gie me f*ckin' strength!"​

The last yin made me laugh outta shock, since it is rare for my mum to drop an f-bomb. If she does y'know she's really pissed off about summit. :veryangry:

Well, she should gie the middle sister an ultimatum:

"You've got __ months to find place for you n' yer kids. I'm not going to be here to bail ye outta bad situation every time"​

Ah know we're family n' that, but me n' my older sisters are adults now. Not that you'd be able tell when we argue. Anyway, ye see my point: Aye, family will be there to help ya oot, but yer life is yer responsibility.

 

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: I'm seriously aboot ready to do masel' in. :sad: Cuz I'll be lucky to see my 30th birthday next year, the way things are going. raying:
And there wus me thinkin' the shitty beginning to 2017 wus just a bit of a blip, a false start of shorts. Wus... It... F*CK!! :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

Another day, another argument. This time, me being yelled at for being honest with my middle sister about how it's been a stressful month having her and her kids here. I mean there's only two bedrooms, technically. Three, if ye included the living room.

With that ungrateful, inconsiderate overreaction, ah cun see why her f*ckin' husband was yin who asked for a divorce. Not the other way round as is more common. F*ckin' knew I wouldn't be allowed to go to my oldest sister's, anyway. Apparently me just wanting to get away from all the crying and the shouting mean I don't care about my family. Apparently caring for one's family is more important than caring for one's own mental health. I'm just a man, is all, not like we make up higher percentage of suicides compared to women. F*ck that! Just remain stoic and calm while it all goes to shit around ye!

Just sent a ranting text to my oldest sister saying how they're all the same with me - my mum and older sisters - every time they ask my homest opinion I'm afraid to give it cuz they always twist my words to make it something I never actually said. But hey, I'm used to be the scapegoat. The one who always get blamed, despite doing nowt wrong except being honest. Is that so wrong? :sad:

Could really use a good friend, a hug and to be telt I'll get through this. :crying:

Well, aside from potential level home next year, looks like I'll finally cutting a family member outta my life. And I refuse to compromise I did for my oldest sibling as she seems to treating me better in the last 3 years since we feel out. The middle sister, I feel something more drastic need to be done in order to get through to her.

Sorry, if this is upsetting to read, but I think I'm having a simultaneous panic attack and nervous breakdown. My hands are shaking more than Michael J. Fox's. In fact, my whole body is trembling. And apologies for that inappropriate Parkinson's Disease joke.

 

[Graeme1988]

I think I'll attempt a poem, here goes... Sorry if this rather dark.
I was just going off my current feelings, and what little I actually recall from when I studied poetry in my English class at secondary school.

Depression rains down upon me
A black cloud of despair constantly informs me why I shouldn't f*cking care.
Shoulders heavy, face always down.
That cute dimpled smile twisted upside.
Sad be the clown who's heards the sound of forgotten laughter.
But no tears. No! Only fears from all past years and years, and years...

The black dog, my only companion.
I called named him Misery, as he seems to enjoy my company.
They say his bark is worse than his bite.
Looks like he'll be staying with me until one of us gives up the fight.​

 

[Graeme1988]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEPthIDOw6M

 

[Graeme1988]

Y'know that yer life is going to sh!t when ya breakdown in tears within seconds of an ASMR YouTube video.
All because a beautiful woman just reassured ya that everything will be okay, then softly whispered that they care about you. :crying:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=musTJL1E_ps

 

[theslowesthand]

Is it just me, or does anyone else find that video somewhat erotic? :bigsmile: