Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

But the most heartbreaking moment wus my mum comin' tae her room - we've swapped bedrooms to accommodate my older sister's kids; the cot and wee bed for the oldest. Anyway, as I'm about to change into my pyjamas, my mum, sitting on the end of her bed goes:

"Ah cannae take much mair o' this! Ah cannae - the stress... Am gonnae end up in a box. Aw this that's been happening, lately. It'll be the death o' me! Spent the last few weeks hopin' ah dinnae wake up in the morning. Sorry, but it's how ah feel. Now ah know whit ye huv tae quietly put up with, Graeme. How, ah dinnae ken. But ah git it noo, why you feel how ye dae that. Why ye often say ya feel like jist ending it. Cuz I'm at the end o' ma tether, ah really am!" :sad: :crying:​

After a long silence, as I processed what wus just told to me and fought to keep myself from crying, I calmly said:

"Eh... Thanks for finally understand and empathising with why ah feel that way.
But you don't do anything... Keep gan fur me, if naebuddy else"​

August has been a really shite month. Didnae even enjoy my time away in Edinburgh this year, cuz ma older sister's feckin' divorce overshadowed it. :thumbdown:

 

[theslowesthand]

Happy 100th page for your thread!!! :bigsmile: :thumbup: :applause:

 

[Graeme1988]

Happy 100th page for your thread!!! :bigsmile: :thumbup: :applause:

Sorry, but given all that been happening around me lately, my reaction to that fact is more like this:

Thanks for acknowledging it, though.

 

[theslowesthand]

Sorry, but given all that been happening around me lately, my reaction to that fact is more like this:

Thanks for acknowledging it, though.

He he, yeah i do notice you are quite "busy" at the moment!
My life's "comfortably empty" at the moment, so i look to little things to find my stimulation & entertainment!

 

[Graeme1988]

He he, yeah i do notice you are quite "busy" at the moment!

That's a polite way of saying it. Though, truth be telt: Ah've hud enough! :kickingmyself: Efter ma older sister and her wee 'uns get a place o' their own, I'm movin' oot, masel' and cutting all contact. Am no pittin' up with the petty arguments n' emotionally manipulative BS anymore. An' half-hearted apologises that mean f*ck all. Cuz they don't take responsibility. Always passin' tha buck to me because... Well, they hate men. That's the narrative my sister and mother huv spouted fur well o'er 15 years, so ah doubt they'll change now? :idontknow: At least movin' oot'll give me some peace.

My life's "comfortably empty" at the moment, so i look to little things to find my stimulation & entertainment!

Same here. But even the little things dinnae bring me as much joy as they used to. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

Same here. But even the little things dinnae bring me as much joy as they used to. :sad:

Yeah, same here. Most little things (or big things) i get very little enjoyment from. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

It breaks muh heart to see my mum so just... defeated. :crying:

Says she's used to being yelled by us - I, rightly, pointed she doesnae get level o' vitriol from me.

"Aye, that's true. Swap places, you cun sit doonstair in the livin' room wae them"

"I'd happily swap places"

"Really? Would you deal with the arguments different?"

Ha! I've grab her (my older sister) by the scruff o' neck, fling her and her bairns oot the hoose".
My mum just chuckled at the thought.

"Ah sure as f*ck wouldnae tolerate anybuddy talkin' tae me like she does tae you. F*ckin' shoutin' like that" :veryangry:
​

 

[Graeme1988]

Mum's just telt me that she's taken me fur granted in the last few years. And without missing a beat, ah snap back, saying:

"F*ckin' right you've taken me fur granted! Fur the past 15 years tae be exactly!" :thumbdown:​

She got aw apologetic, saying if she could take it all back n' make things better she would. Ah just straight-up telt her that it wus too little, too late to gie me the apology I was owed at 18. And it is, the damage has already done. Saying yer 15 years after all the emotional, mental n' physical ah endured. Ah mean, ma mother has stabbed me with pair of manicure scissors. Threatened to "...f*ckin' kill" me with a kitchen knife for arguing with her over when I "allowed" to get a shave. Though, I goaded her to actually do it shows just how mental I am.

And oh, at least we forget, that good ol' radical feminist screed that said: "Women don't need men. All men are b@$%@rd$, and they useless idiots" Sorry, ah quoted that fae memory. Ken what it's like when ye hear summit said enough times. Tends to stick with ya.

Yet, I've stood by the bitch, took her side if I overheard my siblings being disrespectful towards her - she'd always vent to me afterwards. I'd near step in, since that be "bullying". Aye, that genuinely how my older sisters perceive it cuz I refuse to pity on them. As they tend start arguments then making it all about them when ye try to counter their claims. And ah know, cuz I've been called all the name under the sun for trying resolve issue in calm manner, instead of lower myself to their level of guit-tripping and the fake tears. Oh, woe is me... :crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

Wish aw this bottled up rage I'm currently hold in could be put to productive use, like makin' ma beard grow longer or summit? :idontknow:

Don't absolutely feckin' all creatively in nearly a month. Huv'nae even bothered to open-up those instrumental pieces of music I was in the middle o' composing. Y'know yer depression's bad, when the yin thing that ye could do to take yer mind off it feels like too much hassle. :crying:

Anyway, ah telt ma mother she's in fur a f*ckin' rude awakening once the middle sister and her bairns f*ck off and get a place of their own. Cuz there's things she need to hear from me. And the middle sibling, well I've decided to cut her outta ma life, completely. Naw, am no changin' ma mind on that, sorry. But her attitude and behaviour over the past month huv bin a f*ckin' disgrace! :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, I'd better brace masel' for the psycho-fanny shit-storm that might occur the 'morra when ma eldest sibling gets back from her week-long holiday. Cuz ah went n' sent her a particular sweary email berating our middle sister, and venting about why our mum puts up with us as family. In response to her emailing me wondering how things were at home while she's away for a few days. As well as making a rather unpleasant comparison of how having to put up with my family collectively wus not to unlike being stuck inside an episode of this trashy, British tabloid talk show:

The Jeremy Kyle Show

 

[Graeme1988]

Re-watching this right now, as well listening to the album that was made as a result of it. Just a means of coping with the shitty situation I also find myself in.

Metallica - Some Kind of Monster

This documentary is pretty much my feckin' life right now. :kickingmyself:​

But... f*ckin' hell! Never realised, when watching this back in 2004, how much alike myself and Kirk Hammett in terms of personality. Though I wish I was more like Lars Ulrich in terms of just speaking his mind, regardless. But I can also related James Hetfield when he talks about being afraid to open-up, emotional, and his feelings towards his parents. Dad not being there for him, and his mum being quite controlling cuz the whole being raised in religious household.

 

[Graeme1988]

Just a wee poem that resonates with me ​

Janet Devlin

 

[Graeme1988]

Should probably try and get this thread turned aroon at some point. Back to being a being a mair, y'know... positive. Happy n' funny. Or should I just wait for this massive weight off muh shoulders, and this tense as f*ck situation blows o'ver? :question:

Speaking of which, I'm feelin' quite a lot conflicted feelings about the thought of telling my family:

"Right, that's me! Ah give up wae you lot, am outta here! F*ck you! F*ck off! And fare-f*ckin'-well, ya c*nts!"*

*(Or words to that affect, at least)​

​

But it's mostly guilt for gan ma ain way. :sad: :idontknow:

 

[theslowesthand]

Just a wee poem that resonates with me ​

Janet Devlin

I'd like to do something with that tongue of hers! :blushing: (& it doesn't involve being alone!)

 

[Graeme1988]

I'd like to do something with that tongue of hers! :blushing: (& it doesn't involve being alone!)

:bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

They're never happy; the wimmin in my family are always arguing or finding summit tae complain aboot. :kickingmyself: Cannae just accept n' be content. And they huv the nerve to say ah huv high standards. :thumbdown:

And, ever since the middle sister moved back home, our mother has been complaining to me everyday that she can't put up with her, is fed-up and wants her to get tha f*ck oota as soon as. So, it's back just to me, mum and the frequent visit far the eldest sibling.

Mind you, before then, I'm probably gonnae snap and unleash a verbal tsunami of profanity-laden cruelty upon the three o' them. :veryangry: F-bombs, insult, impressions, scathing critiques of their character... the works.

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm sick of the way my middle sister speaks to our mother. Her tone, the attitude. The way sulk whenever mum does something for me. She's a jump-up, spoiled bitch. :veryangry: Tha disrespectful stuck-up c*nt! And, our mum - a survivor of domestic abuse - just takes be called a stupid and an idiot, outright. Yet, if it was me calling her those names, she's be threatening to kill me. Not even kidding when I say that.

And, aye, I call her those things as well as, but in the context of her f*cking up something I've asked her to do, and me being frustrated at having to do everything I ask of her myself.

idontknow: Ah guess because my middle sister's tits are bigger than mine and she got more than one pair of lips, that gives her the freedom to just treat everyone around her like crap.

Might as well take my own life, why not? Other than spiteful, bitter f*ckin' hatred and a drive to prove to them that I'm...

Metallica - Better Than You

It's f*ckin' clear as day I'm neither appreciated, or needed in my family. Despite all the talk o' them thinking highly of me. I mean, other thanthan to my mum's personal f*cking counsellor and sit through these pointless "therapy session", and everybuddy's laptop. :thumbdown: I'm just an emotional punching bag, at this point. A convenient scapegoat to blamed whenever something goes wrong. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Should I just let loose on them? :question: Just verbally berate them and rape their collective psyche with brutal truth. I'm certainly pissed off enough to not give a f*ck about the consequences for myself in grand scheme o' things. :kickingmyself: :idontknow:

Anyway, I'm going to have listen some Portishead, and cry for a bit? So, if you'll excuse me... :crying:​

Portishead - Dummy

 

[Graeme1988]

Anyway, I'm going to have listen some Portishead, and cry for a bit? So, if you'll excuse me... :crying:​

I really needed that... Not necessarily feelin' better. but it helped a wee bit.
Now it's back to calmly waiting until this get back to "normal" for my mother and I. :sad:
Took me for granted... She hus nae idea just much o' an understatement that is! :thumbdown:
At least I can channel my angry via music for time being.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIXQvIvkcao
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMzDYif3LQ0

 

[Graeme1988]

Anyone else here growing in a pretty turbulent household? Lotta arguing and the occassion slamming of doors an what not? Like even now, my middle sister still reacts like a teenage when she argues - shouting, bring her feeling into it. And she argues about the most trivial things as well, that you'd dare not say a word to her. And she nearly in her late 30s, too.

I know that not normal, but is what I described the behaviour of someone who was spoiled from a young age, by a parent? :question:
It's just, my oldest sibling and I were discussing this when out for a walk earlier today and neither of us could fully agree.