Not knowing what is APPROPRIATE to say

[tooshytosay]

To me, it all just boils down to this.

In any given situation, I just find it extremely difficult to find things to say that are appropriate to that situation.

And whilst people usually associate "appropriateness" with formal situations... I've realized that in fact, it applies to ALL social situations in life. You can even take a group of teenagers simply 'hanging out' for example - the words they speak are highly.. appropriate for the situation they're in. Generally, no one speaks anything that "sticks out" or disrupts the flow.

And to me, that is the hard part. I have found that social interaction is, by no means, a "free, wide-open, do-as-you-will" arena. There are so many constraints, so many unwritten rules, so many things.. that are expected of people. Put it this way:

People say things that are expected
Within a broad range of expectable things they'll say
In a manner that is expected
At an expected time
Within an expectable context
With expectable wording

Break any of those expectations - you immediately find yourself in a stilted conversation, you find the crowd going silent - for you have said something out of the blue, or at least in a manner that is. And of course, the definition of what is NOT "out of the blue" is often very narrow.

And this is why social interaction seems incredibly hard to me. Whatever I say, or do, with any group of people, always disrupts that seamless flow of social interaction.

 

[Nack]

It means that they're not your type of people. That's what i've always thought...

 

[TheStatue]

Yep. That's me all over. It is hard to speak when you are constantly monitoring the conversation as it happens.

I can't really "lose myself" as easily as others. So when I'm talking to someone, rather than focusing on the subject that is discussed, I tend to focus on the way the conversation is going. It is only if we are talking about a subject I know well, such as computers, that I can really participate. I also do way to much self-referencing, and often I end up disclosing too much "private" stuff.

 

[gio289]

To me, it all just boils down to this.

In any given situation, I just find it extremely difficult to find things to say that are appropriate to that situation.

And whilst people usually associate "appropriateness" with formal situations... I've realized that in fact, it applies to ALL social situations in life. You can even take a group of teenagers simply 'hanging out' for example - the words they speak are highly.. appropriate for the situation they're in. Generally, no one speaks anything that "sticks out" or disrupts the flow.

And to me, that is the hard part. I have found that social interaction is, by no means, a "free, wide-open, do-as-you-will" arena. There are so many constraints, so many unwritten rules, so many things.. that are expected of people. Put it this way:

People say things that are expected
Within a broad range of expectable things they'll say
In a manner that is expected
At an expected time
Within an expectable context
With expectable wording

Break any of those expectations - you immediately find yourself in a stilted conversation, you find the crowd going silent - for you have said something out of the blue, or at least in a manner that is. And of course, the definition of what is NOT "out of the blue" is often very narrow.

And this is why social interaction seems incredibly hard to me. Whatever I say, or do, with any group of people, always disrupts that seamless flow of social interaction.

Yea I have actually thought about this lately. I then think about maybe its just that we think we are supposed to act like and say in EVERY situation. In most every situation, you are just supposed to let go and actually respond to what the person is saying rather than use a prerecorded response thought up in your own head. I think that may be a problem as well

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

It means that they're not your type of people. That's what i've always thought...

Ahh, so that's the problem. Humans just aren't my type of people!

 

[Hellhound]

And this is why social interaction seems incredibly hard to me. Whatever I say, or do, with any group of people, always disrupts that seamless flow of social interaction.

Maybe those people aren't too smart to follow a conversation, otherwise there shouldn't be so much problem only because you talk. Even if you said any off-topic thing, why would it disrupt anything? If they go silent for anything you said instead of starting a conversation, maybe they are the ones who know nothing about socializing. Or maybe they are too boring to even variate a conversation. There's a lot of people like that, sadly.

 

[shore_of_glass]

I also feel that way and I've been through awkward silences, etc. because of that.

But what I try is, if I get into a situation like that I just think "what? this is the way I am, I don't follow your social rules, get over it".

 

[hippiechild]

I frequently find myself in a similar position... utterly baffled by people's finely tuned senses in regard to social norms. Like, they can be babbling incoherently about all kinds of fascinating nonsense, but be unconsciously tracing the contours of a clearly defined code of conduct... it's amazing, but there is a method to their madness

The secret, I've come to believe, is confidence and a positive attitude. Confidence is like a radar scrambler, it makes it near impossible for people to accurately place and judge your words within any sort of social construct. Conversely, lack of confidence makes even the most relevant comments seem like the disjointed drivel of a madman (or madwomyn).

SickJoke wrote a brilliant bit on this a while back "http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/what-you-say-isnt-important-18258/"

Be attentive, think of your conversants as your brothers and sisters and speak to them as such. If you listen to what they tell you, aren't cruel or condescending and clearly express yourself, most people will respond positively. If they don't, it's likely that they are the ones who don't know how to be appropriate.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

whoa! im really guilty of this. when people are talking, something they say reminds me of something and then that something reminds me of something else and i just blurt it out because surely everyone else will find it entertaining too, nope you just confirm to everyone you're the person thats "not quite right" or "a little off". believe it or not i dont have ADD either
i think you're either born with social skills or you're not