myheartisastone
Well-known member
Sister making SA worse... advice needed.
I want to talk about something that I haven't really confronted my sister with yet. An intro about me/her:
My sister is three years younger than me. I've talked to her about some ways that I feel about myself, and although she's not a bad person, at times - especially in social situations - being around her is like a landmine of slights. I don't think she understands what it's like for me. (I apologize, this will be long):
I haven't been formally diagnosed with SAD, but for as long as I can remember, i've felt inferior to other people and as if they never like me. I'm quiet and introverted ... although i'm polite and good natured, I feel like this means most people don't like me. I generally assume people don't like me, even when i'm friends with someone and they tell me they like me, I generally assume they are just being nice. I am used to being alone, though. So maybe that has something to do with it. (Also came from an emotionally abusive childhood too, so...)
I can hold a conversation. I just hate small talk. If the conversation is about something I know a lot about, I have no problem with it. I do feel anxious all the time around people, though. Even at my job -- especially there. I'm a tutor at a college. I have no problem tutoring students because it makes me feel good to help them. It's just the social politics around the place that I find challenging sometimes.
However, I feel the most anxious especially around my sister. I have for a while. My sister is different from me in many ways - she wants to believe she's confident, but the things she says/does make me believe otherwise (why do you need to constantly/pick on/scrutinize someone if you are?). I honestly want to believe she does not do/say these things on purpose, but since i'm her sister, I feel like she should know not to do/say these things, especially since i've tried talking to her about it.
I'm one of those quiet people who hates confrontation. Usually I just keep it inside because rarely it goes well if I don't. That doesn't do well for my depression.
Anyway. I'm also a very observant person - I like to listen rather than mingle. Sometimes I get the feeling that even though I try my best to be friendly and polite, people still think i'm snobby, or rude, or whatever else just because i'm not like them.
So, a list of stuff my sister has said to me in various locations --- all of it in a social situation:
her and I were in NY (where she lives), and she had bought me these really ugly crock shoes --- they hurt my feet like hell, but not being the one to complain, since she was buying them, I went with it. She even told be while I was there, something to the effect of "sit down" or "start looking around" ... can't remember which. (I'll get to her bossiness later.)
So, she bought the shoes which hurt my feet, and then there was the walking. As people who live in NY know, there is a lot of walking. We walked to a small restaurant to meet my cousin and his friend for dinner.
By the time we got there, my feet were in a lot of pain. Of course, I am used to not complaining (in person/directly) because blah blah who wants to listen to that and i'm not important anyway, so, I dealt with it.
We sit down at the table, and I was really tired. A few minutes before they arrived, my sister looks at me and goes "are you going to talk?"
... well, she always asks absurd questions like this. One: no one had arrived yet. I was tired ... is it okay to NOT talk, for like 10 minutes?
Didn't really know to to respond to this, forgot what I actually said. The dinner went fine and yes, I did ... "force" myself to talk because my sister usually makes me feel like i'm "rude" if I don't act the way she wants me to.
On more than one occasion - when her and I would go for walks, she's used the entire time completely scrutinizing single mistake i've made:
"do you look where you're going?" "do you WATCH where you're going?" "you didn't hold the door open for that person! that's rude!"
always, constantly constantly scrutinizing everything i'm doing. Except for the last time when she visited me for my birthday - she didn't do it once.
Later on, as we were walking back to her apartment, she and I attempted to discuss how much more "open" I "should" be. I find it ironic that people want me to be "open" and "honest", yet when I am that way or when I attempt to be that way, people (such as my sister) don't really like what I have to say; they either interrupt me or talk over me, or cut me off ... as if what I have to say, is not important. My dad does this also.
But yet, I should be "more open" and "honest" (translation: as long as people agree with me, I guess.)
Or, another time -- when I was on the bus with my sister and she had asked me a question about if my ds could get wifi -- and I replied that yes, it could, and attempted to explain how it could, but apparently I was "too loud" (I wasn't really, I didn't shout, it was kind of quiet and I guess my voice was a tad bit louder than other people's) ... she immediately cut me off and then smiled, as if she knew she was being rude by doing so, and then said something about me being "too loud" or something.
As if she cares about other people's judgment of HER rather than the fact she was being rude by cutting me off. Always little things like that.
But yet, i'm supposed to want to talk to people.
But yet, i'm supposed to think that people care about what I have to say, and i'm supposed to find myself important. Kind of hard to do that when people -especially people who claim to care about me- constantly make me feel like i'm worthless and everything I say and do is stupid and wrong.
Or, more recently, when she referred me to a therapist - she sent me his page and email address, but had some weird instructions: she told me what to say to him firstly, and secondly that I show her my reply to him. I found this really weird, and didn't do it.
Isn't my correspondence to him between him and I, NOT her? why does she need to see it?
Does she not trust my ability to send an email? did she want to pick apart my email? I don't get it. It's honestly pretty frustrating and pretty insulting. I have a feeling that she knows this too she said during the phone call when she was telling me ("Am I being too controlling")? I didn't respond but felt like saying "not more than usual."
I honestly get the feeling that my sister doesn't really enjoy being with me ... i'm only there to make her feel better about herself when she needs someone to criticize. I don't know if that is true or not. I hope it isn't.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with a bossy/controlling person like this? and what's worse, if that it will start an argument if I confront her about it, so I don't.
There are many, many more incidents like that, but if I explained them all, this post would be entirely too long. Perhaps i'll save them for a future post. Thanks for reading.
I want to talk about something that I haven't really confronted my sister with yet. An intro about me/her:
My sister is three years younger than me. I've talked to her about some ways that I feel about myself, and although she's not a bad person, at times - especially in social situations - being around her is like a landmine of slights. I don't think she understands what it's like for me. (I apologize, this will be long):
I haven't been formally diagnosed with SAD, but for as long as I can remember, i've felt inferior to other people and as if they never like me. I'm quiet and introverted ... although i'm polite and good natured, I feel like this means most people don't like me. I generally assume people don't like me, even when i'm friends with someone and they tell me they like me, I generally assume they are just being nice. I am used to being alone, though. So maybe that has something to do with it. (Also came from an emotionally abusive childhood too, so...)
I can hold a conversation. I just hate small talk. If the conversation is about something I know a lot about, I have no problem with it. I do feel anxious all the time around people, though. Even at my job -- especially there. I'm a tutor at a college. I have no problem tutoring students because it makes me feel good to help them. It's just the social politics around the place that I find challenging sometimes.
However, I feel the most anxious especially around my sister. I have for a while. My sister is different from me in many ways - she wants to believe she's confident, but the things she says/does make me believe otherwise (why do you need to constantly/pick on/scrutinize someone if you are?). I honestly want to believe she does not do/say these things on purpose, but since i'm her sister, I feel like she should know not to do/say these things, especially since i've tried talking to her about it.
I'm one of those quiet people who hates confrontation. Usually I just keep it inside because rarely it goes well if I don't. That doesn't do well for my depression.
Anyway. I'm also a very observant person - I like to listen rather than mingle. Sometimes I get the feeling that even though I try my best to be friendly and polite, people still think i'm snobby, or rude, or whatever else just because i'm not like them.
So, a list of stuff my sister has said to me in various locations --- all of it in a social situation:
her and I were in NY (where she lives), and she had bought me these really ugly crock shoes --- they hurt my feet like hell, but not being the one to complain, since she was buying them, I went with it. She even told be while I was there, something to the effect of "sit down" or "start looking around" ... can't remember which. (I'll get to her bossiness later.)
So, she bought the shoes which hurt my feet, and then there was the walking. As people who live in NY know, there is a lot of walking. We walked to a small restaurant to meet my cousin and his friend for dinner.
By the time we got there, my feet were in a lot of pain. Of course, I am used to not complaining (in person/directly) because blah blah who wants to listen to that and i'm not important anyway, so, I dealt with it.
We sit down at the table, and I was really tired. A few minutes before they arrived, my sister looks at me and goes "are you going to talk?"
... well, she always asks absurd questions like this. One: no one had arrived yet. I was tired ... is it okay to NOT talk, for like 10 minutes?
Didn't really know to to respond to this, forgot what I actually said. The dinner went fine and yes, I did ... "force" myself to talk because my sister usually makes me feel like i'm "rude" if I don't act the way she wants me to.
On more than one occasion - when her and I would go for walks, she's used the entire time completely scrutinizing single mistake i've made:
"do you look where you're going?" "do you WATCH where you're going?" "you didn't hold the door open for that person! that's rude!"
always, constantly constantly scrutinizing everything i'm doing. Except for the last time when she visited me for my birthday - she didn't do it once.
Later on, as we were walking back to her apartment, she and I attempted to discuss how much more "open" I "should" be. I find it ironic that people want me to be "open" and "honest", yet when I am that way or when I attempt to be that way, people (such as my sister) don't really like what I have to say; they either interrupt me or talk over me, or cut me off ... as if what I have to say, is not important. My dad does this also.
But yet, I should be "more open" and "honest" (translation: as long as people agree with me, I guess.)
Or, another time -- when I was on the bus with my sister and she had asked me a question about if my ds could get wifi -- and I replied that yes, it could, and attempted to explain how it could, but apparently I was "too loud" (I wasn't really, I didn't shout, it was kind of quiet and I guess my voice was a tad bit louder than other people's) ... she immediately cut me off and then smiled, as if she knew she was being rude by doing so, and then said something about me being "too loud" or something.
As if she cares about other people's judgment of HER rather than the fact she was being rude by cutting me off. Always little things like that.
But yet, i'm supposed to want to talk to people.
But yet, i'm supposed to think that people care about what I have to say, and i'm supposed to find myself important. Kind of hard to do that when people -especially people who claim to care about me- constantly make me feel like i'm worthless and everything I say and do is stupid and wrong.
Or, more recently, when she referred me to a therapist - she sent me his page and email address, but had some weird instructions: she told me what to say to him firstly, and secondly that I show her my reply to him. I found this really weird, and didn't do it.
Isn't my correspondence to him between him and I, NOT her? why does she need to see it?
Does she not trust my ability to send an email? did she want to pick apart my email? I don't get it. It's honestly pretty frustrating and pretty insulting. I have a feeling that she knows this too she said during the phone call when she was telling me ("Am I being too controlling")? I didn't respond but felt like saying "not more than usual."
I honestly get the feeling that my sister doesn't really enjoy being with me ... i'm only there to make her feel better about herself when she needs someone to criticize. I don't know if that is true or not. I hope it isn't.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with a bossy/controlling person like this? and what's worse, if that it will start an argument if I confront her about it, so I don't.
There are many, many more incidents like that, but if I explained them all, this post would be entirely too long. Perhaps i'll save them for a future post. Thanks for reading.
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