So yesterday I got some really frustrating news.. my mother (who Im sure I've probably mentioned many times that I've had issues with my whole life) s over in america on holiday visiting her partner.. while there they went to a casino (not even in las vegas, she just has a gambling problem) and she won the jackpot.. and of course it just pissed me off so much because growing up all her money went on buying her pot, ciggies and playing the pokies.. to the point where we were constantly having no money and I was stuck calling up the family (she is deaf so I always had to be the caller) and borrowing money off them (to the point where she literally emptied my great grandmother's savings account) and I was stealing the ****ing essentials like toilet paper... so Im both furious and really upset over the fact that she is over having this great holiday while Im living in half a garage desperately trying to scrimp and save for car repairs and things of that nature (literally 'treated myself' the other week to new underwear and socks coz mine were getting ridiculously worn and holey)..
She spends her life mooching off people and using people and she gets to go on this great holiday for a month to america and then continues her ****ing gambling problem and actually wins a decent amount of money.. its just not ****ing fair.. I dont care how petty I sound here because its not *******ed fair. I try so hard and always end up in the shit... I've been homeless and now I literally live in half a garage and its still one of the most stable accomadations Ive ever had in my whole ****ing life.. I try so ******* hard and I never borrow money off people except in utter emergencies and once off my dad so that I could get into uni .. and unlike her I ALWAYS pay back anything I borrow, usually with a thank gift included..
When I found out yesterday I was really furious because its just not fair that she always comes out on top no matter who she ****ing uses and crushes in the process and I try so damn hard to be a decent person and make it on my own and I always get shit on.. then of course this morning she sends me pictures of the money and now today is getting lost in a blur of anger and pain.. to the point where Im really struggling with why I should even ****ing bother trying.. its flaring up all the old issues (of her beating the shit outta me while I was growing up, and all sorts of crap that I went through) to new issues of dad is making no motions to build a granny flat.. very soon it'll be two years living in this ****ing garage... two years of it.. and he has not even started to make any motions to the granny flat he said he'd build... I was stupid for believing it might happen but I just wanted somethign to ****ing work out like it was supposed to just once.. just one ****ing time could things work out for me
I've been saving up for months to get my car repairs and im so furious and upset that im really struggling to not go and blow it all on something thats a real ****ing treat for me for once.. like a new gaming console and red dead redemption 2.. because I never get to buy myself anything fun like that because I always have other responsibilities... but im just so mad at having to scrimp and save while everyone else around me manages to make it.. so why shouldnt I get a turn at being selfish for once... when is it my ****ing turn to be able to be reckless and have fun with money and not have to worry about mechanic bills or vet bills or all the other types of bills that I always get ****ing saddled with..
Im just so sick and tired of having to fight so hard and barely getting anything but scraps all the time and getting shit on through the whole ****ing process. its just not fair
I just hate how hard I try and do the right thing and be a good person and make it on my own as much as possible and I just barely stay afloat and get shit on all the time. Im just so damn tired. thankfully uni is pretty much over for the semester.. I could not handle that on top of all this crap
Finished off the last touches on the last 4 assignments I had. Just two display days to go and uni is over for the semester. I dont think I have it in me to do a summer semester so uni is probably over for the year. Im glad. I need the rest and a real break. I can feel myself burning out and reaching the end of my tether again. Going to take some time to just rest. Im tired.
Tomorrow is the last day of uni for the year!! At last.. I just have to head in in the morning to put up my photography display and submit another assignment with it, then go back in the afternoon to pick it up :applause:erfect:
Dad's car has got issues and cant be booked into the mechanic until Monday at the earliest. So he's been borrowing my car for work. Which is fair enough but I get really stressed out when I dont have my car so its already killing me even though its only been two days. I dont like not having my car ready to go if I need it (not to mention I had plans to do xmas shopping which I've not had to shift). Its gonna be at least a week of sharing my car (and he didnt put petrol in it the last time this happened so I expect he's gonna do the same this time) possible two weeks depending on how much work it needs/ how long the mechanic takes...
welp.. things just love going to hell in my life dont they... I got a letter today saying that my student payments are being cancelled because I have not finished my uni degree in the alloted time (Im literally two years into a four year degree).. This means I gotta try and go back onto the dole and be on that while studying which is doable except I lose the textbook money at the start of each semester which I really ****ing need for textbooks and to cover my car rego. Not to mention the inbetween time of changing on to the jobseeker payments means I could potentially be without any income for up to 12 weeks if they take time processing (which has happened to me in the past, they took about 4 weeks that time but thats a long time to have no money when theres bills and food that need to be dealt with) not to mention I was supposed to do my xmas shopping today and now I dont even know If I can bloody afford it at all.. I was already in a rough spot financially what with xmas, car repairs, rego, new tyres and an allignment all being due in the immediate future. plus license renewal and then just general expenses in life...
Im so sick of trying in life..legit dont even ****ing know why I bother. Everytime I start going forward I get shit on and end up back in the same *******ed screwed up, broke *** place. Only thing that changes is Im getting bloody more and more emotionally and mentally damaged from all the shit that I just have less and less left each time..
If it wasnt for my dogs I'd just ****ing throw in the towel right now, im so sick of struggling constantly, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically... its all too much.. But my dogs need me so I stay... they're the only thing that gets me through all this crap
over 3 hours on the phone and my issue wasnt fixed but is being escalated, I have to wait a minimum of 3 business days before it'll even be processed, then I gotta wait to hear back on whats happening.. If it doesnt get fixed then I dont get paid next week and Im just screwed until I can get approved for the stupid jobseeker payments instead
spent the day watching the land before time tv series, couldnt sleep because the winds are so bad that my anxiety is all over the place so exhausted af and sluggish. Though im sure some of the anxiety is from the no money problem... Stuck in limbo right now until I hear back about it all next week
Still no word on the progress of my payments being reinstated, yesterday I had to go help out a mate in a domestic violence situation.. No details on it out of respect for her, but it was the first time and it involved her kids so its a very heavy situation. I went around lunch time and didnt get home til 2 am.. bloody exhausted still. Ended up having to cancel the usual D&D coz I knew I woudnt get back in time, obviously the friend was more important, but D&D is my weekly stress reliever and I really needed it this week...
bloody exhuasted and strung out.. I really wish this money issue would get sorted..
Also tomorrow is meant to be a pretty big storm with potential flash flooding and heavy winds... The damn garage that I live in floods and the roof leaks in bad rain so Im already stressed out about that too..
Yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of my moving back to the Illawarra from Orange, aka the two year anniversary of me no longer living in a 3 bedroom house and instead living in half a garage with most of my things either stored away in another garage or having been sold... or aka the two year anniversary of me no longer sleeping in a queen bed with my dogs but a tiny af single bed with 3 huge *** dogs...
I guess Im just in a wallowing and self pitying mood today.. if the damn money situation woud get sorted then I could finish the xmas shopping that I need to do and then I could get my car fixed and start saving up for the damn rego and license renewal that is coming up... Its times like this that I really wish I was mentally ****ing stable and had a *******ed job.. I feel so freaking useless and like everything is so bloody futile
so last night I decide Im pretty tired and I'll head to bed, I go to remake the bed and something flies past my face... Naturally my first thought is spider and Im ready to run outside into the storm coz I'd rather die by lightning than by spider :bigsmile:
But I look around and instead spotted this little guy
I caught him (in a little plastic baggie with water sprayed into it because our skin is too acidic and actually damages them when we handle them) and quickly took him out the front where we have a little pond and let him go. I had to sneak him past the dogs who luckily hadnt noticed him yet.
Today's been shitty.. Dad's mate who pretty much lives with us always tells me stuff that dads apparently said about me, which means I gotta constantly hear complaints and I never get a chance to fucking defend myself coz he never said it to me and if I bring it up it'll just cause issues everywhere.. The issue that he was complaining about today was really unfair because he never sees what I do because I do the cleaning or odd jobs at night or when noone is home.. So he complained that I never take out the trash when I literally did it a couple days ago, not to mention I went through the cupboards and cleaned them and threw out any expired food, and I took the recyclable cans over to the neighbor (she collects them).. not to mention Im the only one who ever cleans the bathroom, and I tidy the kitchen regularly... but because he never sees it he just assumes I do nothing, then complains to rawdon who feels the need to tell me every fucking time even though I have told him not to because its not fair that I gotta hear all that shit and never get to defend myself..
And because of the heat today im already feeling cranky and uncomfortable, then to have that shit thrown at me as soon as I finished my breakfast.. Its so frustrating and now of course im just sitting in my stupid half a garage that is so freaking hot but now I dont feel comfortable leaving it any time soon.. I've been sitting in here for well over an hour just sweltering.. I fucking hate living in half a goddamned garage.. its been two years and theres been no motions towards building a granny flat like he said.. I was stupid to think it would happen.. and of course I cant afford to live anywhere else not to mention how hard it would be with the dogs.. so im just stuck like always..
I hate the fucking heat, it makes everything worse
Just went to make myself a huge mug of milo, but when I was pouring the milk into the mug I noticed it was an odd consistency, turned out the packaging was damaged so the milk was beyond off (I only bought it the other day and hadnt opened it til just then)... needless to say I no longer feel like a giant mug of milo