Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

Finished off my last two assignments tonight.. just gotta make it through the two display days next week and then Im officially on holidays from uni for about a month and a half.. So relieved that its almost over and I can have some time to reset

 

[LoyalXenite]

Got my marks today.. Trying to be happy that I passed everything, but the marks were pretty low... But really I struggled so hard with motivation this semester that I know I did the best I could with the whole mental health shit holding me down.. just wish my marks reflected the effort it took to not just do the work but to not drop out and run away and give up..

3 more weeks of holidays before the next semester starts up... havent achieved anything with my holidays so far aside from excessive sleeping and having managed to fracture my toe... not even doing anything fun.. it was raining and I slipped and kicked the concrete step...mg::kickingmyself:

The neighbor's kid has been coming over a fair bit for homework help though so I havent been able to wallow like I usually do which is technically a good thing, but of course leaves me feeling utterly drained and so Im not getting anything I need to do done... But today I am going to try and get some cleaning done... been saying that for about two weeks but today is a new day so maybe I'll actually do it

 

[LoyalXenite]

enrollment in the tutes for this semester has not worked out in my favour... Not only is there a compulsory attendance lecture starting at 8:30 monday morning.. but its followed by a 5 hour gap before the stupid tute for the subject..all this guarantees is expensive parking on Mondays and me sleeping through every stupid lecture because I cannot even pretend to function in a lecture before 11am... and with my usual shitty sleep habits/cycle I'll be running on 3 hour sleep max every monday.. Considering they have both the equipment and the ability to stream all the lectures (which they usually all do) physical attendance shouldnt be essential as long as we're watching the damned lectures... Ugh... Stupid

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Sorry about all that, Loyal.

It dredges up memories of my efforts at school. Being a socially-anxious night owl is Hell on an academic career.

How's your toe? :/

 

[LoyalXenite]

Sorry about all that, Loyal.

It dredges up memories of my efforts at school. Being a socially-anxious night owl is Hell on an academic career.

How's your toe? :/

It really is. I managed to send an email to the head of the course to explain that a 5 hour gap will be hell on my anxiety and to ask if she can squeeze me into the tute following the lecture.. they usually wont but at least this way I'll have tried :idontknow:


The toe is actually still really sore, but Im also not keeping it up nor have I gotten around to going to the doctors for pain killers so really I only have myself to blame :bigsmile::kickingmyself:

 

[LoyalXenite]

My alarm is going to go off in about 4 hours, going for a drive a few hours south to see my great uncle who is dying in hospital right now.. Feeling quite anxious about it because I hate hospitals and the wind is picking up so I'll be worrying about the fences holding up...

Dont think I actually mentioned it in a previous post but we had some bad winds in the area and its broken our fence in a couple spots, I've managed to patch them til dad gets someone in to fix them properly but one of the breaks was so bad that 2 or my 3 dogs got out and went gallivanting. Luckily they both were home safe and sound that morning, quite lucky considering theres busy roads with idiots hooning around at all hours, and railroad tracks directly behind our house/where the fence broke. So while Im gone theres some bad winds due again and dad will be at work so I'll be worried about the dogs the whole time, but I cant exactly bring them to the hospital either...

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Could you tie them up until you got home? I'd be a nervous wreck worrying about it.

I'm sorry about your uncle, LX.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Thankfully the fences held up fine while I was gone and my dogs were safe and sound when I got back. I also heard back from the head of the course and she was able to move me into an earlier class, not the first timeslot but the second. So not as good as I was hoping but definitely gonna make things easier for me.. reduces my gap from 5 hours to 2 hours. Im surprised but very grateful that she was so understanding.. When I was at MQ uni I'd sent a similar email and the response was if your mental health is that bad you should drop the course and likely out of university entirely.. that actually turned out to be the final straw and I did drop out... So I was really worried about the response I was going to get this time, so relieved it went well..

Visiting the Great Uncle went ok. Im glad I went because I'd only ever known him as rather stoic and reserved, but yesterday he was friendly and chatty. Im glad I got to meet him like that before he passes. He was quite yellow from the liver shutting down, and close to skeletal when he'd always had a bit of a belly. But he looked better than I anticipated. I was expecting him to still be in the mild coma that he had been in the previous day. But he was alert and chatty (so odd to see him strike up conversation, actually makes me really sad that there's this nice friendly guy that I never got to know coz he always been so stoic and silent and distant). He had a good day yesterday though so now the prognosis of how long he has to live is up in the air.. Its just a waiting game now

 

[LoyalXenite]

the wind is still blowing quite forcefully, and its going to continue for at least another day... I really hate the wind.. its so stressful worrying about the fences or some other damage to the property/my dogs.. The stupid walls to the garage that is essentially my room/home are literally shaking when the wind blows really forcefully and its making it cold as all hell.. I've currently closed the dogs inside with me partly so I dont have to keep checking the fences, but also to keep them warm (they're all tucked in under blankets for warmth)

I hate the wind

 

[LoyalXenite]

back to uni in 8 hours... at least the windy weather has calmed for now.. I really dont want to go to uni tomorrow.. if the classes werent so damn early in the morning it wouldnt be as bad.. but dealing with lack of sleep on top of the usual anxiety just makes it so much harder.. and of course stressing about it beforehand is only making me miss more sleep.. as it stands im looking at about 6 hours sleep if I go to bed soon...trying to find something to soothe my overdramatic self enough for me to relax and sleep..

 

[LoyalXenite]

It was my great uncle's funeral today, I missed the funeral because I was supposed to present a poem in class for workshopping (which is the worst part of doing a creative writing minor!). But because one ******* decided he needed all the attention (as he constantly does) he read 5 of his poems and one girl who was absent last week had to read hers this week, so those who were actually supposed to read one each today got a bit shuffled and me and one other girl have been postponed to next week.. which means my assignment wasnt due today and I could have gone to the funeral.. At least I made it to the wake...

Im dead tired now.. been running all day on about 2 hours of sleep.. I might try and go to bed soon, but the winds have gotten bad again and will stay bad for the next couple of days so I suspect I'll be up and down all night checking that the fences arent breaking anywhere else...

Also my toe still hurts.. a lot of complaining tonight but im tired and cold and cranky so :idontknow:

 

[LoyalXenite]

Been flat out with uni assignments.. finally got the worst of them done.. I still have to write 5 poems this weekend that are due on monday for creative writing but otherwise Im essentially all caught up on the uni work at last...well for the week... cleaning took a back seat though so maybe this weekend will be a mix of poetry and scrubbing :crying::bigsmile:

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling quite nervous for tomorrows class, in photography we're doing a shoot with a nude model. Which would be awkward and embarrasing enough as it is but to make it even worse we're expected to not just photograph the model but also to direct her poses.. I know its all a professional setting and all that but its still making me anxious as all hell

 

[LoyalXenite]

That shoot went ok, it was awkward and embarrassing but by the time my turn came around the teacher had been getting snappy and telling people off for taking too long so I was more preoccupied with not getting yelled at so I rushed through getting a couple shots then handed over to the next person (who did the same as me and rushed through it)

Made myself actually go to the doctor yesterday too, needed new repeats on my meds and while I was there I wanted to book in to get some moles removed, but he decided to ice them right then and there (and boy are they stinging now) except for one which I gotta get biopsied and checked for cancer next Thursday... He said its not likely to be cancer because it hasnt changed size in years... but of course once he said the word cancer my anxiety has latched onto that and wont let go until I get the results...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Actually went back to the doctors today. Almost didnt go at all but then my best friend offered to come round and hang out for a bit and come along to the docs so I actually managed to go. It was good fun hanging out, we played Mario Kart on the old 64 which we havent had a chance to do in ages, so it was really nice (well everything but the doctors was really nice haha).

The doctors was not pleasant, the room was a different one to the normal doctor rooms, it was narrow as all hell and a dead end with the doctor blocking the exit so anxiety was through the roof instantly. The local anesthetic hurt like a bitch coz it was on my nose, but it also didnt work that well coz I felt a lot of pain when he was cutting the thing out, and then my nose wouldnt stop bleeding so he put a stitch in it and it hurt like a bitch as well haha. I gotta go back on Wednesday to get the stitch out. I dont know how long I'll have to wait to find out about if its cancer or not.. I also had to get the other moles re-iced which stung like crazy.. i hate doctors mg::bigsmile:

 

[LoyalXenite]

feeling useless as all hell... I have so much uni work and cleaning that needs to be done and I havent been able to make myself so anything, I have done nothing useful or practical all week and now im running out of time.. its past midnight on thursday.. so I essentially have 3 days left of uni break to do everything on my list.. which happens to include a lot of cleaning, 6 assignments and general other uni work/tasks/grocery shopping/etc... I've wasted all week coz I just had no strength/energy/motivation to do anything... I dont know how to make myself do anything and so im getting stressed as all hell about my time running out but its still not enough to get my *** into gear

 

[LoyalXenite]

Also never went back to the doctors to get my results or get the stitch out (I cut and removed it myself) or to finish getting the moles removed... clearly I cant do shit

 

[LoyalXenite]

Aside from a couple minor touches to some final assignments and two display days.. I've finished with uni for the semester.. at last.. it was a struggle to make it through this semester.. the motivation isnt there and its been reflected in my work all semester.. but as long as I pass I dont even care at this point.. Im just so tired... I was going to do a course through summer semester so that I could finish a semester earlier but I think I need the rest..

 

[LoyalXenite]

y'know im getting rather concerned about all the errors loading the page the last few days.. even when I am just lurking and not posting I really rely on this site getting me through the days.. What will we do, where will we go, if (or should it be when?) this site doesnt come back from one of these errors...

 

[Sacrament]

I think it would be a cool idea to create something like a Discord channel for SPW or something. Or maybe a Skype group (do those even exist? I forgot).