Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

Well I was right to be so stressed about the money aspect... The car failed the rego check this morning.. and apparently its gonna cost about the same as the cost of rego... there is something unlucky for me about the number $1200... I suddenly need to come up with $2400 by tuesday if I want to be able to drive my car... and uni starts back up in two weeks... idek what to do...

The mechanic told me to bring my car in tomorrow to get her fixed and of course my anxiety had me saying yes and making an appointment... how wonderfully ****ing useless of me

 

[LoyalXenite]

Got enough on my car fixed to pass the rego.. Still need to do a few things but I at least get some time to save up for it.. I got a rough quote for the next two important fixes needed so I need to come up with $760 more asap (Dad helped me out with getting enough fixed for the rego check so all the money I'd saved up actually went on the rego like I'd planned before going to the mechanic)... After I get those two things fixed I have 3 other issues to fix after it...

still stressing me out but I have some time now so its not as bad as it was 2 days ago

 

[LoyalXenite]

I won two tickets to a sound of music sing a long at a theatre

The show is this weekend, I want to go but Im really stressed out feeling like my friend will cancel on me and I'll have to try and go alone... Just the thought of having to go is really stressing me out anyway... I hate dealing with agoraphobic issues :kickingmyself: why cant I be normal

 

[lily]

good luck!

 

[LoyalXenite]

Booked into almost all my classes for this semester, its the last week of uni holidays. Tomorrow the last class opens up and hopefully I get the timeslot I want coz the other two slots would be really annoying to have to have..

I think the stress of uni starting is having an impact on me coz I've been a little all over the place emotionally the last few days, today I seem to be melting down into tears over the smallest and stupidest things.. I've been feeling drained all day so Im not even using the end of my holidays productively at all.. fun or practical productivity... Just being a useless lump which is just frustrating me even more...

 

[lily]

you can try something like meditation

 

[LoyalXenite]

you can try something like meditation

I did try meditation a couple times, I actually found myself getting more stressed almost every time coz my brain started conjuring all sorts of theories of what horrors were awaiting me when I opened my eyes :kickingmyself:

It did work once when I had a playlist going... it started out really well then I fell asleep :bigsmile:

The only time meditation really works for me is when Im on a beach and theres no other people around. Usually I just gotta find something that'll distract me, sometimes its as easy as a good book or video game.. sometimes nothing works :idontknow:

 

[LoyalXenite]

I've been doing ok today, I think coz it was so hot and humid I couldnt fit in any other emotions besides grouching over the heat :bigsmile:

Once uni actually starts and I get back into the swing of it it'll be alright, transition periods are always stressful for me... I chose some pretty fun/easier subjects this semester so it wont be as stressful as last year (mainly coz Im not doing anymore Japanese subjects! I love the language but damn its hard!!)

 

[LoyalXenite]

First week of uni done.. Already theres been a disgusting amount of homework, but at least this semester I dont have the stress or workload of Japanese.. Though a part of me misses Japanese.. It is just too hard and too stressful to learn at uni... One day I'll learn it...

Im debating whether I'll drop one of my subjects because its not what I thought it would be, plus the class stressed me out a bit and I've only had one of them.. I'll give it until the census date then I'll decide if I'll keep with it or not..

Emotionally Im all over the place and its got me exhausted, add to that the emotional effort it takes to go to uni, and be around people... I ended up sleeping about 10 hours today, didnt wake up until almost 4pm... While I needed the sleep I also needed to wash the dogs and it wasnt gonna stay hot enough to wash them so late in the day..my brain is about as stable as my emotions right now so this will probably turn into near nonsensical ramblings pretty quickly, if it hasnt already.. maybe tomorrow I'll be a bit more with it..

 

[LoyalXenite]

Photography class tomorrow then week 3 of the semester is done.. only 10 more to go (not including the breaks)... Im already feeling exhausted, I think its because I am having to go out and be around people 4-5 days in a row, its leaving me feeling so drained, that once I get the grocery shopping/cleaning/homework done I've got nothing left...

I even dropped that shitty subject, so the only subjects Im doing are ones I enjoy.. but its still leaving me drained as all hell..

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling utterly horrible.. The neighbors cat got into my backyard and two of my dogs went her.. I got them off her and we rushed her to the vet but she had to be put to sleep. I feel so ****ing terrible...

I've been crying all day coz it was so horrible and I feel so bad for the poor cat, for the neighbor.. I paid for the vet costs but theres nothing else I can do so on top of the guilt and misery is a ****ton of uselessness

 

[LoyalXenite]

Today is the day that my best friend should have turned 45. This is the 7th year since she died and it never gets easier... Im sick of marking the years but I cant not, when everywhere Im reminded of what should have been

 

[LoyalXenite]

Finally its mid semester holidays.. Got two weeks off uni, I have a ton of homework and assignments to do in the holidays but at least I can sleep in and relax a bit.. really struggling through this semester motivation wise...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Managed to spend the first week of holidays sick and now have to spend the rest of the holiday doing assignments.. and I managed to thoroughly revert to my usual sleep cycle of going to bed after the sun has well and truly risen and waking not long before it sets.. gotta try and make it a little better before uni starts back up next week..

been feeling very strung out and stressed, by having to be around people at uni, having uni work to do and assignments, by financial shit, and of course the stressing about whether my future is inevitably bound for failure and life will always be the shitshow it has always been..

I just get so tired of having to fight all the time just to exist... everything is always such a struggle.. I wonder what its like to be one of the normies..

 

[LoyalXenite]

Really struggling today, woke up at 6 am feeling incredibly anxious and the feeling hasn't gone away at all.. I ended up skipping my lecture today because of it, its now 2:15pm and I have about 30 minutes before I have to leave for the actual tute and I'm still feeling strung out as all hell... I've been stress eating too and so on top of the anxiety I actually feel quite nauseous...

I know I should go to class but the thought of it is just aggravating my anxiety levels..

 

[LoyalXenite]

I didnt go.. Im still feeling strung out but not like im stuck in a constant panic attack so I guess removing the duties for today helped a bit... Its left me feeling quite exhausted though..

 

[LoyalXenite]

I dont like the new changes to the look of the site... Surely on a site for anxious people change is never good :bigsmile:

I've really been struggling with motivation to get anything done.. Im falling behind on uni work and on cleaning and its making me feel crappy which is making me get even less done... its a frustrating and stressful cycle... I've just got to make it through 3 more weeks of assignments and classes, then I'll have two display days of the assignments in the next couple of weeks after that. Then I'll have at least a solid month or a month and a half of holidays to reset myself and hopefully be more stable by next semester.... maybe

 

[LoyalXenite]

On a more positive note it was my birthday two days ago and I actually had a good day, I spent a few hours with my best mate's family (my best mate was actually away for the last two weeks, but her family still invited me because they are just really awesome people. I adore her family! we actually hang out weekly to play dungeons and dragons, its my only social activity besides having to go to uni or grocery shopping)

 

[LoyalXenite]

Im feeling quite conflicted today, aside from still being stuck in my no motivation/impending deadlines looming cycle, I had an odd day yesterday. It managed to start with a slight chaos of trying to buy tickets for a concert. (I've only ever really been to one concert before, it was Green Day and about 10 years ago) This is for Cher's tour (I've loved her since I was a young kid and always wanted to see her perform but her last tour here was when I was a teenager and I had no chance of getting to go. The presale opened at the same time as my class so I was trying to buy tickets on my phone in class and was getting there until the teacher handed out a quiz and I had to put my phone down. This of course meant I'd timed out and lost the tickets I was in the middle of getting.. After much refreshing I managed to get back in and grab two (slightly more expensive) tickets. One for me and one for my best mate.. This meant I was on a bit of a happiness high, I was excited as all hell, despite the tickets ending up costing about $80 more each.. (which was technically saving for my car repairs but this feels like a once in a lifetime chance for me so I gotta go see her).

All was well, I was even meant to hang out with my mate, she was gonna come round that night, instead she messaged to cancel at which point she also told me she is moving 2 hours away this weekend! So the happy high was gone and replaced by sadness.. I know two hours isnt that far but I also know its enough of a distance that it'll mean that our weekly hangouts will get cancelled and postponed and things of that nature until they dwindle down to nothing...

Maybe her family will still want to do it weekly even if she cant make it.. I hope so.. Really its the only social interaction I have that I enjoy, without it I'll be back to hiding out in my room except for uni and errands.. and with my current motivation levels those two obligations are hell enough to get through... dnd is the highlight of my week, aside from my dogs its what keeps me going... Im worried it'll end, I'll barely see my best friend who is really the only person I hang out with (aside from her family)...

I know my bpd will be making this flare up my abandonment issues and it's probably all going to be fine and I'll adapt like I always do and all that stuff.. but right now I feel like I'm floating in some dark void, bound to fail at everything and wither away in a lonely existence...

 

[LoyalXenite]

Had my last class for the semester on Thursday. I've still got 5 assignments and 2 display days to go before Im actually on holidays.. its killing me this semester, its technically a lot less workload than last year coz no Japanese subjects but its taking one hell of an emotional toll...

I just found out some quite sad news from the neighbors kid, turns out the other neighbors dog has died, this was a young dog (fully grown but still puppy-ish) and he was such a sweet dog I loved him. Turns out he jumped the fence while tied up and ended up hanging himself. He was tied up while the owner had his driveway fixed or something idk, and poor Moses tried to jump the fence.. Its really upset me because Im already extra strung out with uni stressing, and because I adore animals and I loved Moses, but also because what a horrible way to die... the poor dog