Love-Shyness

[eR1k]

I actually have been trying to improve my self esteem/confidence, and earlier today a woman did try to 'chat me up'. The only problem was that she was about 5'11" 200+ Lbs and looked like she was about 19 years old. She seemed like a very nice girl, but I'm not looking for a nice girl, I'm looking for a naughty girl. I just wasn't interested.

Good to hear that When you talk to her it doesn't mean you are obliged to have romantic feelings towards her. You are just talking, having fun. Talking to anyone regardless of age, posture, personality is a good thing. Perhaps when you talk to more women you aren't romantically interested in, you will feel more relaxed once that naughty girl catches your eye and starts a conversation ! 8)

 

[Morose]

Perhaps when you talk to more women you aren't romantically interested in, you will feel more relaxed once that naughty girl catches your eye and starts a conversation ! 8)

I have never had a problem talking to anyone except those girls I have feelings for. I edited my previous post to reflect that but failed to notice you had already responded because it was on a new page, I guess you made this post before I changed it. I've never had a problem talking with girls I didn't fancy, only the ones I do. It's been that way my whole life.

 

[IBM]

Perhaps when you talk to more women you aren't romantically interested in, you will feel more relaxed once that naughty girl catches your eye and starts a conversation ! 8)

I have never had a problem talking to anyone except those girls I have feelings for. I edited my previous post to reflect that, but I guess you made this one before I changed it. I've never had a problem talking with girls I didn't fancy, only the ones I do. It's been that way my whole life.

Maybe you shoud try those you dont fancy. I'm sure you met some hot one that you dont fancy (you know those who we like to have a good F*CK).

 

[Morose]

Maybe you shoud try those you dont fancy. I'm sure you met some hot one that you dont fancy (you know those who we like to have a good F*CK).

If she makes me horny, that would fall into the fancy catagory.

Regards

 

[Argamemnon]

I'm not love-shy, I'm human-shy. I just don't (can't) enjoy being around people.

 

[chris87]

Haha I guess I suffer from this. I can add it to the list.

 

[KVCC]

I would say i'm love-shy, but im 15 years old.


I'm pretty sure im just not being shy though.

It got worse over time

My 1st girlfriend I asked out in person(and had a HUGE panic attack in my life, i was SHAKING when i asked her out)... But during the relationship i couldn't get intimate at all, she tried to kiss me once but i literally leaned back and was shaking/panic attack and i couldn't do it.


My 2 other gfs I didn't ask out in person because i was so scared of a panic attack, but i couldn't kiss them either(2nd one dumped me fast, 3rd one i suspected cheated on me shes kinda a whore..)

 

[Alexx]

Unfortunately I can relate to this.

 

[Richey]

I actually have been trying to improve my self esteem/confidence, and earlier today a woman did try to 'chat me up'. The only problem was that she was about 5'11" 200+ Lbs and looked like she was about 19 years old. She seemed like a very nice girl, but I'm not looking for a nice girl, I'm looking for a naughty girl. I just wasn't interested.

you are joking right?

there are so many things wrong with that comment. .

 

[CK23]

I can relate to this myself... i feel terrified of physical contact with a lady... for one thing, i'm really very shy... can't even look a woman in the eye cos of the fear of being rejected and i have weak confidence so i cant imagine myself getting intimate... i feel scared to death at having to perform... and it feels like i'd pass out if a girl would get physical with me... the only way i could be comfortable was to be controlled by her, not abusively but in a caring affectionate manner... that way i could do stuff to make her happy and just making her happy would be the best thing for me....*apologies for the mushiness*....

 

[floridateen18]

I've read a few pages of responses to the first thread here, and i noticed most guys that are "love-shy" are saying nearly the same thing.

I also noticed somone mentioned David DeAngelo, while this guy may be a guru with women, and he may come across as a bad person if you start to read some of his material, he does have many useful tips about women, and its not all about sleeping with women, his "double your dating " e- book is all about finding confidence in yourself, and then learning the basic skill of meeting women.

I would recommend reading some of his material if you are completely dumbfounded and just lost when it comes to finding and meeting the type of woman you would like to talk to, date, or do whatever your pure or evil soul would like to do with your new skill.

Heres my take on it, though it may be informative, you have to be careful, i made the mistake of starting a relationship backwards from his materials, i had sex with a really hot senior when i was a juinor in high school, though i thought it was a major accomplishment, it was completely unhealthy emotionally and i soon found out how not to keep a girlfriend.

I am now trying it the different way, even though i know the "secrets" of turning on women, and how to get into their pants whenver i want to, i feel like a complete dickhead for even knowing it. I mean i did have fun, i was with other hot girls besides this one i told you, but im not trying to compare here, i want to just warn you "shy-lovers" out there there is hope, and there is love out there for you, but you must judge for yourself if love is something that you want to experience in life, and if it is, then you should start loving, it doesnt have to start with a man or a woman, but love is one language, its giving and its not being greedy, if you can understand that, then your already loving yourself and your closer to finding love then you thought you may be .

 

[Goku_ODPhi_1987]

I wanted to give my life experiences as a love shy guy...

The main reason why I decided to join up here at the social phobia world board is because of my love shyness, because other than that, I feel that I live a very normal and healthy lifestyle, although I almost killed myself when I was 17 because I moved to a new high school away from my friends for my senior year where I didn't know ANYBODY while everyone else was enjoying their senior year, I fell into a deep depression and one night I was about to stab myself in the heart and end it all, but thank the Lord that I changed my mind at the last possible instant, and how glad am I that I did!!! :lol:
My life took a drastic turn for the better since then, I connected with new friends, my fraternity brothers who are a REAL BROTHERHOOD, the reason being that they have accepted me for who I am and not only that encourage me to be unique in my interests and my mannuerisms, I recently graduated college and even though I'm still looking for a job, I'm confident I'll find one soon...

But getting back to the topic at hand, I am love shy for many reasons, I have never had a girlfriend ever, ever since my first crush when I was 13, I've now lived almost twice that time and I still haven't found anyone. I have still yet to have my first kiss, lose my virginity, and just barely held a girl's hand for the first time two summers ago we went to go watch a chick flick, which also was my first true official date ever also, and she reached out and held my hand and I was like, "wtf is this.....ooooo I like...." :lol: unfortunately the next day she broke off our dating.

Using sports terms I have a career record of 0-9 in career relationship tries but the last two were closer than ever because at least I got to officially "date" them unlike just being turned down on the spot, even though both dated me for only a week each... :evil:

Continuing, I consider myself to be very introverted and shy, I feel that because of my life experiences growing up I was made fun of constantly for my weight and my name, I have a unisex name but little children only thought of it as a girls name so they had a field day with it, but once I got older I became a little more accepted in high school until that traumatic event where I had to change schools and no one gave me a chance to get to know them, so because of that I retreated into my shell and I hated every day of that God forsaken year, it caused me to distrust everyone because I felt that everyone would stab me in the heart so for the next couple of years in college I had alot of anger, bitterness, and resentment towards everyone, but then I met these new guys and they helped me to change for the better, to trust people again, and I can see the massive changes in my life.

But I only feel comfortable when I'm with my family and my brothers, everyone else I just can't open up to because of what I've gone through in the past. I hate going to social places such as clubs and parties because I feel uncomfortable at these places, all of these people who I don't know is just agony for me, unless again I'm with my brothers then I feel a little better but I'll still just stand in the corner with my beer just chilling and that's what I'll do the entire evening, I just can't meet new people, and this translates to women.

Western gender roles dictate that men are supposed to be the aggressor's when dating, but why??? I can graduate from college but dating is just something so much more difficult??? Why should the burden be on the male just because he's a male??? It's very hard to have the confidence that women say they find attractive when you have nothing to build off of or show for it, how can someone have confidence when they've never had a girlfriend??? Now granted like I said earlier I've made lots of improvements in the last couple of years by actually getting to date a pair of women, I've gained confidence in what I have to offer as a good boyfriend, a college degree, a good job soon which means responsibility, and is a great guy because of what all of my friends tell me, if someone else says it than it carries more weight than if you just believe it yourself, plus I've grown my hair out and I just absolutely love how I look with it it gives me so much more confidence in my appearance to make up for my not so thin stature...

But going back at my age its just not socially acceptable to be in my predicament, I graduated college a virgin I mean c'mon I don't know ANYONE personally who can say that??? And to top it off a frat boy right??? That guy should've gotten laid a long time ago, not that I'm comparing myself to the stereotypical frat boy because I'm not I didn't join my brotherhood to hook up, I joined for the guys and everyone else doesn't matter, but at least I don't have to ever worry about being lonely anymore thanks to my guys, but it would be nice to finally find someone, someone that I can take with me to my planned trip to Europe: London, Paris, Rome, I want my girl by my side for all of that, hopefully someday someone will give this nice guy the chance he deserves... :wink:

 

[sad311]

I've spent 21 years without out a female companion in this world. It's been a source of embarrassment, deep sadness and frustration. During my teenage years is when it got the worst, when I consider suicide and cause harm to myself. I've spent three years of my life daily obsessing over one girl and got into using drugs just to be near another. It's only though the acceptance of god and Involvement with Christianity that got me together and keep me going.
It's not like I have trouble talking to girls for the most part, it's just that I can't seem to sum up the courage to kiss a girl or ask her on a date. I just can't do it. I've had chances before but I'm shy and deeply afraid of rejection. I mean I don't drive and a have a crappy job so I figure no woman would ever want me anyway. I've even come to accept the fact that I'm just going to spend the rest of my life alone.
I've had other men think I was a homosexual because of my never having a girlfriend and this is very embarrassing and awkward. I"ve had guys tell me they love me and one guy even offered sex to me once, and all I told him was why couldn't you just be a girl. It means nothing when A guy comes on to me because I not gay,I love woman but they never seem to love me back.
I do hold a lot of anger to female because of this. They want to be treated as equals in every way yet in this one very important part of are society it still like a unwritting law that men have to make every move. All they have to do is sit back and watch us fall over each other at there feet. And when A guy like me come alone I figure that all get a good laugh out of me for even trying.
I mean I'll take any woman (so long as she's not overweight, just being honest). And because of my beliefs I don't even want sex, I just want a woman to be my wife and spend the rest of my life with. But I guess this is just a pipe dream, some men just have to spend their lives alone. Love is a very painful word for me.

 

[RJF]

An exercise in futility

I have read a number of the posts on this thread; and find I must contribute to the discussion. Heaven knows I'm fully qualified.

Well, what can I tell you? I am now in my early 40s....and am dateless for life. 'nough said.

It's not that I haven't had any chances; but I wasn't interested in any of them or, at least, most of them. I am ashamed of myself and I know I have been a subject shrouded in mystery. I have received compliments on my appearance in the past. I am over six feet tall, slender, as clean-cut as they come, and have lived a life looking 5-15 years younger than I am.

However, as you may guess, no confidence or social skills. I have come to the conclusion that women don't like me. For whatever reason, they just don't consider me worthy of their affections.

As far back as the beginning of my 20s, I predicted I would never have a girlfriend. I didn't even take a date to my high school grad with me.

A dozen years ago, I was working at a place and there was a convenience store directly across the street. I went there often for morning juice, milk, etc. There, worked a young female store clerk, named Jennifer. She had long, dark brown hair and light blue eyes, and a soft, clear voice. September 21 will remain a bad date for the rest of my life, for that was the night when I scrounged up the courage...to spill my guts and confess my crime. When she gave me the inevitable bad news (that she was already involved), and something of an indifferent reaction, I nodded and jogged out of the store with my head held high. I could hear a crowd cheering, although I choked back the tears in anguish as my friend consoled me before we parted company that night.

Those who have been baseball fans long enough will understand when I describe the brush-off as my own personal 'Donnie Moore' moment. I have been haunted by Jennifer in a way comparable to the one-strike-away-from-the-World-Series home run Moore surrendered to Dave Henderson in Game 5 of the 1986 ALCS. Of course, the difference being is that I haven't put a bullet through my head.

In the wake of my failure, I started comparing myself to a sports team. I christened myself dating's equivalent to the 1980 edition of the New Orleans Saints football team. That is, my family and friends would be calling me the 'Aints'; and would be wearing brown paper bags over their heads to protect their identities. Remember how the miserable 0-and-13 Aints were leading Joe Montana and the 49ers by a score of 35-7 at the half? The final score was 38-35 in OT. Like me in the face of a dating opportunity, the Saints would eventually panic and self-destruct.

I have mentioned this comparison to the occasional person close to me, including a former co-worker who confessed to having a little crush on me. I was 33, she was still only 19(!!). It is simply my way of making fun of myself, and it does make people laugh when I tell them. She certainly did.

Prior to that, I had the occasional 'opportunity' to date women. However, there are two categories I am simply not attracted to; overweight and non-caucasian. Of course, this is all people ever try to involve me with. Therefore, I simply don't bother with frustrating myself. People don't understand why I have no special woman in my life. Well, when all you get are women you don't want, you're eventually going to get fed up, and even become distrustful of those who try to involve you. They are only doing what is convenient for them.

So, I continue to drift through life living in the 'Aints' Hall of Shame. I will say that demographics appear more favourable for me in the former Soviet Union, and that I why I am considering seeking a love overseas. I could well be my only hope.

For I have come to the conclusion that, at least locally, it was 'lights out' a long time ago. People know me to be a good person who is clean and mannerly. Somehow, somewhere, I fell into the dating abyss. Perhaps I simply was destined for oblivion.

 

[bitingthepea]

omg i have this ={
im scared of dating and the thought of me dating is just not thinkable
even tho i would love to i find it kinda embarssing

 

[no1]

I can't seem to bring up "sexual conversation" "love", (whatever you want to call it) to a woman, like other guys do or at any time for that matter. For example.. I want to talk to a girl but I need a damn good reason for me to talk to her like we have to have something in common or a reason to talk about something... small talk has been kinda hard for me also. But I don't simply talk to a girl because I want to "holla" at her or "get at her" whatever. I need a reason to talk to her. And I feel kind of scared to bring up sexual innuendo or overtones unless it's innocent or something I guess. I don't "holler" at girls. I don't do the "cold approach". And most girls like to think that those who don't do the cold approach are not deemed "right" for "love". I mean sure I've kinda TRIED to do it before but it usually ends up a disaster because I'm not a person who can seduce any woman I want no matter what I do, I'm not a poet or writer or journalist or whatever you need to be the kind of person to do the "cold approach". The conversations end up being empty and I don't know what to talk about. I end up asking questions and the woman feels interrogated, or ends up thinking something like "who the F* is this guy and wtf is he doing", the opposite of what she might do instead with a guy who she deems "ok". I can't talk to someone just to "talk" I have to have a damn good reason... if I want to talk to someone just to talk... go get someone else dammit they usually don't have time (nobody really does anyway). Small talk is not good unless you are "attractive" i guess, or u know you have something in common. I don't even know how to small talk anyways. Small talk IS for a reason, for me it has to have a good reason.

I mean.. I can't just go up to a girl I "like" just because I like her. I might as well just go up to her, look her in the eye and make some random noise hoping for a positive response. lol, or I could just go right ahead and kiss her on the cheek. And of course how the hell can I just "like" a girl like that anyway? I might like how she looks, but I don't even know her! I don't understand how the hell guys just "holla" at girls. Whatever that means. "kickin it" might be ok but you gotta have a reason to talk, and good things to talk about.

Also, how in the hell do you go about expressing sexual feelings, or romantic feelings? Hell I don't even know what romance is, I don't know what relationships are, what friendship is, for both genders. I don't know what "hangin out" is, hell do I even know what ANYTHING is? Some if not most seem to think there is no romance, just sex. Some like to make it SEEM like it's romance but really it's just sex. It's like kind of personal. Sex to me is not disgusting but Im always worried about how I might look. What if she thinks I'm a pervert? Are my feelings normal? Are my feelings ok? Waht if she thinks I have no business in "looking at her" in that way. Again, how in the hell do "relationships" even begin? Does it start with sexual attraction? Or friendship? or both? or neither? wtf?

Sometimes I also think very sinisterly like.. Sometimes if I see a girl talking with a guy , I think "oh it's only because of sexual attraction".

I'm crrrazy.

 

[TooShyShy]

Love shy men please answer.

Do you all want the girl you like (are attracted to, stare at, crave, etc.) to approach, initiate and take the lead with you? Even if you are terrified and believe IN YOUR HEAD that it won't work and that she will leave you someday does she need to keep at it and NOT give up on you..or do you prefer she just go away bcuz you can't handle it???

Should she still hang in there and pursue you??? Not give up just bcuz you look sad at times or gets antsy and shakes when SHE is around and you just look down right afraid???

Is that what a love shy man REALLY wants for the girl to never give up???



Thank you.

 

[notmyrealname]

Did a search for "love shyness," found this thread. I have a cold and I should be sleeping, but I can't.

Anyway. I just turned 31. I'm a heterosexual man. And I'm still a virgin. I know EXACTLY how all you love shy guys feel. Believe me.

I've never had a girlfriend. Looking back, I can say that girls have thrown themselves at me, and I just freeze up. Completely shut down. Needless to say, nothing happens.

I've gotten drunk a couple of times, lost all my inhibitions, and totally put the moves on folks. Made out with a drunk chick. That wasn't pretty (the situation, not the girl). A very close friend of mine has allowed me to explore physical intimacy. That's pretty much it.

What's especially frustrating is that I can make 12 close female friends at the drop of a hat. Girls love me. As a friend. I get the sexual feelings, and it just makes things complicated. I don't want female friends any more. You can have them.

I want a damn girlfriend.

So yeah I'm in weekly therapy, on antidepressants, and I try to go to the gym when I can. I'm consciously putting more of an effort in my appearance. It's a long, slow, sad battle. Yes, I've been suicidal. I don't know, you only lose if you quit. You gotta fight. And yeah, life isn't fair. Some folks get raw deals. You can make the best of what you got, or you can quit.

People constantly tell me that they have every confidence I will find someone. And deep down I have a real tough time really believing it. And that's the kicker. You gotta believe in yourself before any girl will really believe in you.

It's late. I'm rambling. I'm not just some yahoo. Your pain is my pain.

 

[HH]

I know what you mean "notmyrealname". At least you've had girls throw themselves at you, its shear luck if a girl even looks in my direction.

Well, that's not entirely true. In secondary school there was two girls that liked me-one was very scary though. The other girl was really nice but at the time I was obsessed with someone else (who I still think about today). I never acted on my feeling because-well I didn't know how and was really shy (and still am). I could kick myself now for not doing anything about it.

Fast forward about 12-13 years and not a lot has changed-still girlfriend less. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???

I've seem to come to a cross roads with this situation. On the one hand I really just want to have sex but on the other I want to lose my virginity to someone I love and care about.

 

[getbornagain]

I f*cking have this bullshit. It is the worst disease in the world. I have mild OCD, and have obsessed about the reason behind my shyness. I have been down many paths, every one leads to nowhere. WTF is the cure for this garbage?!