life has become torture

[doubleM]

im having some big problems. im getting really strong desires to end it all. i feel like a complete failure because of my social problems. my mind is filled with bad memories and embarrassing rejections. being in college has really made things worse. im surrounded by people everyday and its like their eyes are digging holes in me. i cant even go into the cafeteria and eat without feeling all paranoid. i do it anyway and i dont show it...but in mind im going nuts. my school is in the city, and when im crossing the street i feel like everybody is staring at me thinking i look like a dork. i usually dont speak to anyone. i feel really alone.
i cant talk to women at all. i try occasionally but its torture. they all seem to hate me anyway no matter what i do or say. some have done some mean things to me.
i feel the weight of all that on me everyday, and its just getting worse. i feel hopeless. theres this awful feeling of doom that clouds my mind. its hard to explain. i guess it comes from feeling unwanted and that no one likes me no matter what i do. i have wanted to die for a while now.
the only people i really talk to about is my parents. my mother is very religious and says god is the answer to my problems. all she really does is throw bible verses at me and make me feel condemned. i believe in god but my problem is i cant understand why god would allow me to be born into a home with an overly-religious condemning mother and an overprotective ******* father, and make me the way that i am, and allow me to suffer like this....and then not help me at all when i ask for help. i cant understand that for the life of me.

i try everyday, i really try. but its like im hitting a brick wall. it makes me deeply angry at myself and the world because i cant find a solution to the problem. admitting that i have all these fears makes me feel weak. ive had these same problems since i was a teenager and its all just escalating. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont understand.

 

[deleted #89]

" my mind is filled with bad memories and embarrassing rejections." That's exactly what you have to work on. People with S.A always replay the awkward/anxiety provoking situations in their head....that is frigging mental torture dude. This book will definitely start the process for you : Amazon.com: Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns (9780345514486): Susan Anderson: Books

Yes you try everyday BUT with the wrong though patterns. You have to be compassionate with yourself.....The way you see the world is really the way you see yourself.

Edit: I agree with @maybmental2. Taking action like you do is so much more powerful.....

 

[maybmental2]

You say you don't like to go to the caffateria but you do it anyway, That right there tells me you're stronger than you think you are. I've heard people say that it takes alot of guts to end your own life but I see it different, We're the strong ones because we wake up every day and face the rest of the world n o matter how crappy we feel. Now I'm not saying the ones that have ended their lives were weak not at all, They really felt no one cared and that they were making the right choice but you have to look back on your life and see the times you made a difference. You know even the small things matter like when that person in front of you in a line droped something and you said excuse me you drop this pen it's just a pen you were there someone else would have picked it up and taken it but you didn't. You are here for a reason that hasn't become aware to you yet that's all. And if those girls were mean well karmas a bitch

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

As long as there is life there is hope they say, and it is true. I am sure you really don't want to end your life; you just the pain to go away. I understand how you feel, so know that you are not alone.

When I was a student I remember being very paranoid in the cafeteria. I went to a large university and it was always packed with students. A lot of the times I had to eat alone. I would force myself to do it. I had to eat. Realize that a lot of people feel like you do, even if it is not always so obvious. For me, remembering that brings me comfort. It makes me feel less crazy.

There are a lot of resources at your campus. They have therapists there, and even offer group therapy. You may want to check those services out. They are free...included in your tuition.

A lot of people find comfort in religion. I personally don't. It is an interesting thing. There are a lot of social opportunities when one belongs to a church. It is something I think about.

Keep trying. Don't give up. Allow yourself to fail. But never give up.

 

[mart22n]

i believe in god but my problem is i cant understand why god would allow me to be born into a home with an overly-religious condemning mother and an overprotective ******* father, and make me the way that i am, and allow me to suffer like this....and then not help me at all when i ask for help. i cant understand that for the life of me.

Hi DoubleM,

I just yesterday skimmed a book called "The Secret Societies" (Amazon.com: Secret Societies and Their Power in the 20th Century (9783894786540): Helsing Jan Van: Books). There was a chapter about karma and particularly I remember something along the lines of "Karma becomes much more understandable when you look at your life as an element in a long string of lives you have already lived in the past". The book also said that in order to learn, a human being is forced to do the things one is the least willing to do. Just some food for your thought

Another book "Bioenergy in Practice" by Ardo Pärna (Bioenergy in Practice: Amazon.co.uk: Ardo Parna: Books) says that when you end your life at your will, your present life will seem very happy and easy compared to what follows. I don't know. That would definitely scare me a bit.

 

[mcpon]

I would suggest staying home more. You can build up your confidence and strength if you spend more time on it. I stay at home for, say, 2 days and build up my confidence and strength to go out for 1 hour. If I go out everyday, I'm not up enough for it if I haven't prepared myself well enough.

 

[pop-princess]

I feel you doubleM. Sounds tough.

If you can, try taking a break from college for some time and then seek some help for your SA. I guess you are young so you have all the time in the world to fix it. Believe me with help you can. I wish I had taken a break while I was in school. That's when my SA was the worst.

Take care.

 

[KiaKaha]

I can relate to some of the things that you said in your post. Its really difficult to think clearly and find any hope at all when everything is frustrating and going wrong.
You shouldnt have to feel condemned, and you shouldnt have to just "deal" with it.
I think (in my opinion) is that you would like to have the way you feel acknowledged and have someone care about how you are feeling.

I cant help you in tangible real life sense, but I always have an open inbox and a friendly ear if you want to get stuff off your chest

I hope you take care of yourself.

 

[Ms Cloud]

( deleted )

 

[Agent_Violet]

im having some big problems. im getting really strong desires to end it all. i feel like a complete failure because of my social problems. my mind is filled with bad memories and embarrassing rejections. being in college has really made things worse. im surrounded by people everyday and its like their eyes are digging holes in me. i cant even go into the cafeteria and eat without feeling all paranoid. i do it anyway and i dont show it...but in mind im going nuts. my school is in the city, and when im crossing the street i feel like everybody is staring at me thinking i look like a dork. i usually dont speak to anyone. i feel really alone.
i cant talk to women at all. i try occasionally but its torture. they all seem to hate me anyway no matter what i do or say. some have done some mean things to me.
i feel the weight of all that on me everyday, and its just getting worse. i feel hopeless. theres this awful feeling of doom that clouds my mind. its hard to explain. i guess it comes from feeling unwanted and that no one likes me no matter what i do. i have wanted to die for a while now.
the only people i really talk to about is my parents. my mother is very religious and says god is the answer to my problems. all she really does is throw bible verses at me and make me feel condemned. i believe in god but my problem is i cant understand why god would allow me to be born into a home with an overly-religious condemning mother and an overprotective ******* father, and make me the way that i am, and allow me to suffer like this....and then not help me at all when i ask for help. i cant understand that for the life of me.

i try everyday, i really try. but its like im hitting a brick wall. it makes me deeply angry at myself and the world because i cant find a solution to the problem. admitting that i have all these fears makes me feel weak. ive had these same problems since i was a teenager and its all just escalating. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont understand.

i know this sounds small but have you tried wearing headphones and listening to music during these times? Sometimes it helps to just surround yourself with your favorite music to get your mind off the world around you. obviously I don't recommend that for crossing the street though!

Super religious parents can be pretty difficult to deal with...I'm sorry I really don't have any advice to that particular issue.

Admitting you have fears makes you a strong person. You are trying to hard to improve and it takes real courage to do this. You are going through so much inner turmoil but you keep trying...that's awesome and you should be proud of yourself for keeping at it.

I hope you keep posting and sharing things because a lot of people have problems very similar to yours and i bet they could share a lot of great ideas for coping.