Learning what to say to people

[Patrick26]

So in this thread since there are people who can't say anything past "hi" let's give a few things for us to learn to be better at conversations.

I'll give a few and people can say others. I'm sure you guys know what to say in a non pressure situation like this thread, so let's learn all the different things to say and get better at talking.

Weather - If it's been raining all week and it's finally sunny i say things like "man, it's so nice to have the sun come out, seems like it's been ages since we saw that light", or anything related to the weather.

If it's depressing outside normally people will be a little depressed, just say something like "Isn't it funny how the weather effects our moods?" but only say this if they are saying it's depressing outside. It doesn't mean you're saying they are depressed because of it but people in general are depressed by ugly weather.

Grocery Store - when you are in a grocery store and you're looking for something to buy and someone is there say "oh man there is just so much to choose from", normally people laugh and agree.

To Guys - Talk about sports "How about those playoffs? how far do you think *this team* will make it?*" But only do this if you know sports or you'll look like an ass.

 

[Anomaly]

"Isn't it funny how the weather effects our moods?"

I can imagine the awkward silence that would bring. ::

 

[Patrick26]

I can imagine the awkward silence that would bring. ::

From the people who we say it to? i've said that tons of times, and never got an awkward silence.

 

[Anomaly]

From the people who we say it to? i've said that tons of times, and never got an awkward silence.

In my experience, it's not something people want to hear -- it makes them a bit nervous, like they don't want to think about it. Then again, I'm the common factor in all of my experience.

 

[mikebird]

patrick, this is the best post i've ever seen here. it's crucial, and it's about time someone told me. my no.1 problem here, and the reason i just never say anything like that stuff - exactly the weather, and groceries, is because i see these issues as not valid conversation. it's depressing, because i require intelligence. it feels like talkint to a cat, a dog, or a baby. if some sexxy lady spoke to me in a supermarket about the cancer surgery she performed yesterday, and it was her first time and it went perfectly well, she was proud of it, then i'd love it. i tend to 'turn my nose up' at ppl who talk about the ******* weather. i can't do it. at the haircutters' yesterday, i usually want to start a conversation about something that's on my mind, but i'm always sure it would't be a valid subject such as: i need neat hair today, because i have to interview on Monday about a job in data management with the British Olympics Organisation, and i'm excited about it. especially in a room of people who'd hear it, and wouldn't like it!

i can't deal with smalltalk, or speak to basic people. i'm very lucky so far i have not put my fist straight through anyone's face, yet, but the reason i always lose my job is because i never say a word to ppl who chat about weather, giggle constantly, without even 10 seconds' gap between giggles. i have a big problem with simple, LOL people. if i could overcome this, i'd be successful by now.

 

[MrJones]

What a great post! Sports are always a good topic for me. With my classmates, I can only talk about homework, exams and sports

But I hate talking about weather unless it's something very unusual like "look, acid rain, we're going to die"

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Great idea for a thread Patrick. Should make interesting reading.

Just making this kind of smalltalk, or casual comments, is one of the toughest things for me. Yesterday I was waiting to pay for my car parking ticket, and the young woman at the machine ahead of me, turned around and said "I hope you've taken out a loan. The parking costs here are ridiculous." I managed to grunt an agreement, but I would find it almost impossible to do what she did and just make a comment or remark to a total stranger.

It's something I should really try to work on, and having a collection of things to say in different situations would probably help a lot, as at least I would only need to focus on actually saying them, rather than thinking them up too.

 

[mikebird]

As for grunting, I think it holds more content than a lot of other standard sentences!

With your lady on parking fees, I might do better when I say "yeeeaaahhh!!" in a really cheerful tone, or if she had a Ferarri, I might say (no words) "wooooooooo!!!" because I'd be stuck on politics, such as "How much did that cost???!?!" or making a noise such as laughing, as I just can't do anything like that, most of the time...

 

[Patrick26]

This can also be turned into a "help" thread for a situation like yours. Like you said you "grunted" in agreement because you had no idea what to say, here we can tell you what to say and you can learn for future chances.

 

[Beatrice]

patrick, this is the best post i've ever seen here. it's crucial, and it's about time someone told me. my no.1 problem here, and the reason i just never say anything like that stuff - exactly the weather, and groceries, is because i see these issues as not valid conversation. it's depressing, because i require intelligence. it feels like talkint to a cat, a dog, or a baby. if some sexxy lady spoke to me in a supermarket about the cancer surgery she performed yesterday, and it was her first time and it went perfectly well, she was proud of it, then i'd love it. i tend to 'turn my nose up' at ppl who talk about the ******* weather. i can't do it. at the haircutters' yesterday, i usually want to start a conversation about something that's on my mind, but i'm always sure it would't be a valid subject such as: i need neat hair today, because i have to interview on Monday about a job in data management with the British Olympics Organisation, and i'm excited about it. especially in a room of people who'd hear it, and wouldn't like it!

i can't deal with smalltalk, or speak to basic people. i'm very lucky so far i have not put my fist straight through anyone's face, yet, but the reason i always lose my job is because i never say a word to ppl who chat about weather, giggle constantly, without even 10 seconds' gap between giggles. i have a big problem with simple, LOL people. if i could overcome this, i'd be successful by now.

Hahahaha Sorry, not laughing AT you, laughing because I love this post. I like you, Mike It's funny, my mother has the same problem. She always tells me, "I just find people so ****ing boring!" She can't make small talk very well because she doesn't understand it and it bores her to death. She finds her co-workers dull. And it isn't because she's being rude.... she just literally finds it non-stimulating.

As for myself...... I would say I'm the same. I like to have real, intelligent conversations.... I play along and try to make small talk because it's kind of required in society to make connections. But it sucks, no doubt.

My "best friend" used to bore me to death with her endless stories of gossip and drama and boyfriends. The things I wanted to talk about were much different - abstract concepts and science and the like. But we were complete opposites in that sense. She was all social, I was all inner. She was never my best friend, really. I just had no one else.

People who don't think really are boring.

 

[dottie]

this level of polite/scripted interaction is where i hit a dead end in progressing in my SA. there is a certain intuitiveness and self-assurance that is on the other side that i just can't reach.

 

[coyote]

the topic of the conversation doesn't have to be interesting - it's really not important

what is important is the level of interest you show in the person you're conversing with

 

[megalon]

I've been practicing engaging in small talk at work lately, talking about the weather and stuff like that. Yes, It's meaningless s***, but the more I do it, the more comfortable I get with initiating and participating in conversations, both the meaningless and meaningful sorts. It makes me feel better to be able to successfully participate in a conversation, even if it is a conversation about nothing at all.

 

[TaylorSwift'sHubby]

have the EXACT SAME PROBLEM!!! i would be standing in line for something, and a random stranger would open up saying something like "This line is long as hell!" or they would ask me how long i have been waiting in line. I reply with one word answers but won't be able to capitalize on it, so if that person doesn't say anything, the convo ends there. why is it that its so easy to become blank when in conversation, but so difficult to come up with somehting to say?!!!! ::

 

[paye]

i believe i can even write a book but i don't believe the days i'm good at small talk.

 

[killertubbie]

the topic of the conversation doesn't have to be interesting - it's really not important

what is important is the level of interest you show in the person you're conversing with

Finally someone who really understands the matters! Yes, talking about weathers seems a bit blank for a conversation but maybe these so-called 'boring' people are doing you a favor to break these awkward silence. But if you rather have awkward silence than lousy conversation, don't go blame the others for being too boring or too quiet.

 

[*Amy*]

Hey, great post! It happens the same to me, I suck at small talk. Whenever I see someone I know, I think to myself: "I hope he/she is not gonna ask how I am and all that stuff. What can I tell him/her?".

By the way, the weather is always a safe subject, unless it's very very stable and monotonous. Other conversation topics could depend on the place you are (college, sports centre, shopping mall...). I don't think social people do really have so many interesting topics to talk about - they just throw out anything that comes to their mind. That's the point.

 

[Moa]

the topic of the conversation doesn't have to be interesting - it's really not important

what is important is the level of interest you show in the person you're conversing with

That is true, but I have such a hard time with that. Like, what is ok to ask someone you just met, and what's going to offend them or come across as being nosy? It's different with everyone, I guess, so how on earth can we know ahead of time?

 

[Silatuyok]

This is a great thread. Being able to make small talk is so important to starting conversations. I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is that you have to be on your game, really picking up on any verbal or visual cues that the other person gives you. Unfortunately this requires some thinking on your feet, which I am really bad at doing when I feel awkward or nervous.

Talking about the weather is a good one, because it doesn't take any forethought, and is always a relevant topic. At work last week I got nervous while walking up to a coworker who was standing where I needed to be. The weather was kind of crappy, so I just said, "I wish this weather would make up its mind!" He agreed and we kind of went on our separate ways, but then a few days later when the weather got awesome he struck up a conversation with me about it the next time he saw me, and was very friendly, and I managed to sneak in a tidbit about how I was going camping that weekend and looking forward to enjoying it.
These were very short conversations, but at least now we know just a little bit more about each other, and more importantly he knows that I am receptive to, at the very least, a basic level of conversation. That's a huge win in my book.

I haven't seen this mentioned yet, but you can always get away with complimenting someone on something. "Oh, I like your shoes!" could spark an exchange of words that will give you clues as to what that other person is interested in, and will give you fuel for future conversations. It's almost like detective work, in a way. You could also ask someone if they got their hair cut recently, and follow it up with a compliment regardless of whether they have or haven't.

Another good conversation starter is "How was your weekend?" or "How is your week going so far?" Or, if you want to sound more casual and nonchalant, you could say, "Anything exciting/interesting going on?"

If there is a really hyped-up movie coming out in the theaters, you could say, "So, are you going to go see _______ when it comes out?" os "Did you hear they're making a new version of ________?"

I also like to present my own visual cues, in the hopes that someone else will pick up on them. I'm not really the t-shirt wearing type, but I make a point to buy and wear ones that express something about me or my experiences. A bit of interesting jewelry can be a conversation starter, especially if you can follow it up with something like, "Oh, yeah, I bought this necklace when I went to visit Mt. Ranier last summer!" Even a unique bumper sticker could be spied by a coworker or classmate, and they may be tempted to ask you about it.

For me, the hardest part is cracking the surface of the person, trying to make a conversation when I know very little about that person's interests or background. But, if I try to think of it as some sort of sleuthing game, it makes it a tiny bit easier. Each little nugget of information I can glean will feed the next conversation, and so on...

Now, if I could just manage to put all this advice into practice.

 

[coyote]

That is true, but I have such a hard time with that. Like, what is ok to ask someone you just met, and what's going to offend them or come across as being nosy? It's different with everyone, I guess, so how on earth can we know ahead of time?

that's why we inevitably stick to the "boring" safe topics until we get to know someone better

a thought i just had....

some people are quick to judge others for being boring or shallow, because they only talk about inane stuff like weather or sports or pop culture or whatever

perhaps the reason people talk about these things is because THEY are, in fact, a bit shy or reserved in their own way, and not willing to talk about "deeper" issues with people that they don't know so well

maybe they're alot more deep or intelligent than we think - they're simply following the social norms by not delving headfirst into these issues

perhaps instead of judging them, we can learn from this