Learning what to say to people

[MotherWolff]

Conversations have become difficult for Motherwolff ever since Motherwolff became a teenager. The only time Motherwolff can have a conversation with someone is if the topic is something that Motherwolff is passionate about...like videogames. Motherwolff thinks that conversations are difficult to do in most cases...especially for us.

 

[vj288]

I'm someone who has a hard time getting past hello, and there's one thing I read years ago that has helped me many times in the past. People like talking about themselves. It's just how we are, we enjoy talking about ourselves and the things we like and are interested. So I keep this in mind whenever I try to converse with others. Keep the focus on the other person, ask questions (I sometimes end up turning the conversation into a Q & A session, which isn't really the goal :, listen to them, show interest in what they like and are talking about. They may then try and do the same to you, but if you're a one word answerer like me you won't give them much to work with. Just keep going back to them, people really do enjoy talking about themselves.

 

[Moa]

This is a great thread. Being able to make small talk is so important to starting conversations. I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is that you have to be on your game, really picking up on any verbal or visual cues that the other person gives you. Unfortunately this requires some thinking on your feet, which I am really bad at doing when I feel awkward or nervous.

Great reply, Marie. I'm like you though... putting it into practice is the hard part.

that's why we inevitably stick to the "boring" safe topics until we get to know someone better

I have a hard time gauging when it's ok to move beyond the safe stuff. I tend to let other people lead the conversation, so if they don't lead, it just sorta dies out. And then I'm left wondering if they found me dreadfully boring or if they suffer the same problem as me.

a thought i just had....

some people are quick to judge others for being boring or shallow, because they only talk about inane stuff like weather or sports or pop culture or whatever

perhaps the reason people talk about these things is because THEY are, in fact, a bit shy or reserved in their own way, and not willing to talk about "deeper" issues with people that they don't know so well

maybe they're alot more deep or intelligent than we think - they're simply following the social norms by not delving headfirst into these issues

perhaps instead of judging them, we can learn from this

When someone is shy or reserved or only talks about the boring stuff, I'll wonder if they have the same issues as me or just don't want to talk to me. But I assume people who don't have SA think people like us are boring, awkward, weird.

 

[Feathers]

I have a hard time gauging when it's ok to move beyond the safe stuff. I tend to let other people lead the conversation, so if they don't lead, it just sorta dies out. And then I'm left wondering if they found me dreadfully boring or if they suffer the same problem as me.

Hey Moa, you can learn to look for nonverbal cues. There are actually books about this!!
People show excitement and interest in different ways - tone of voice, eye contact (or sometimes lack of it too, if they're shy hehe) How they move and stand etc. And if they come and initiate something (or reply/talk with you) next time etc. Basically just look for interaction patterns...

When someone is shy or reserved or only talks about the boring stuff, I'll wonder if they have the same issues as me or just don't want to talk to me.

Yeah, I sometimes wonder that too. Since reading on this forum, I assume that probably it's a) lots of really cool people can have sa too!!

I assume people who don't have SA think people like us are boring, awkward, weird.

Not neccessarily!! They can also think you're 'quiet' and 'calm/peaceful' (LOL!) or just 'interesting' and 'mysterious'!!
Maybe they can also think someone with sa is 'arrogant/aloof' or 'self-sufficient/not interested' (with already enough friends and social circle elsewhere) when one might be just shy. So if you're pleasant to them, they can change that perception.

Some good examples+info in this thread, by Patrick and Marie and Coyote especially!!
Think of it like 'tuning the guitars/instruments' and then playing real tunes... you can do both or either...
You start with 'warm up'/fine-tuning (=looking for common interests and/or responsiveness, if people even wanna talk) when you get to know someone well, then you can move on to more interesting/in-depth topics... Smalltalk is just a 'step' toward more meaningful conversation.. (Or just a way of saying, 'Hey you, I think you're interesting and I care'... to an older lady neighbour or such.. It doesn't need to go anywhere if you or they are too busy for more...)

 

[Moa]

Hey Moa, you can learn to look for nonverbal cues. There are actually books about this!!
People show excitement and interest in different ways - tone of voice, eye contact (or sometimes lack of it too, if they're shy hehe) How they move and stand etc. And if they come and initiate something (or reply/talk with you) next time etc. Basically just look for interaction patterns...

In spite of being a bookworm, it never occurred to me to read a book about this. Doh! :: Can you recommend one? It's like learning a whole new language.

Not neccessarily!! They can also think you're 'quiet' and 'calm/peaceful' (LOL!) or just 'interesting' and 'mysterious'!!
Maybe they can also think someone with sa is 'arrogant/aloof' or 'self-sufficient/not interested' (with already enough friends and social circle elsewhere) when one might be just shy. So if you're pleasant to them, they can change that perception.

I think my anxiety makes me come across as awkward/nervous sometimes, which leads people to think I'm strange or something. I don't know. I guess if I knew what other people were thinking, I wouldn't be posting here about it...

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I have a hard time gauging when it's ok to move beyond the safe stuff. I tend to let other people lead the conversation, so if they don't lead, it just sorta dies out. And then I'm left wondering if they found me dreadfully boring or if they suffer the same problem as me.

I also have a problem with this. I also have a hard time knowing how much I should share about myself; I find that I often share too little. There are times though where I will say too much and regret it later. But risks must be taken if the relationship is to go to the next level, to become actual friends. Not in the first meet of course. I am referring to coworkers and classmates, those types of scenarios. Someone needs to begin by revealing something personal about themselves, like a problem or something. I tend to wait for the other person to do that, but I would like to take initiative and just do it myself (without scaring them hopefully.)

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Small talk is bewildering to me too. I also find it boring, but it is necessary. Talking about the weather may be as boring as it gets but it something everyone can talk about, and people usually do, so now I do too

A lot of helpful advice in this thread, like giving compliments. I want to work on just being able to make comments about the situation with strangers. People seem to be able to so easily. Ahhh...

 

[Moa]

There are times though where I will say too much and regret it later.

Me. Too. Ugh... ::

A lot of helpful advice in this thread, like giving compliments. I want to work on just being able to make comments about the situation with strangers. People seem to be able to so easily. Ahhh...

The funny thing for me, I could totally chat up a stranger if I had to. Like if I were at the supermarket and someone tried to strike up a conversation with me, I could be totally ok with it and make pleasant conversation. But if it's someone that I know I'm going to see again (like a coworker or maybe my sister introduces me to one of her friends or something) then I freeze up and start worrying about what to say, because I don't want to make a bad impression.

 

[Beatrice]

I avoid talking to people because I feel I don't have anything interesting or worthwhile to say and it doesn't help when I see people like mikebird talking about "basic" people like as if he is some superior being who is above it all.

Hmm, well a while back I quoted him and I found his post sort of funny, because I understand where he is coming from. Small talk can be excruciating for some people, because it's often so BORING. But it's necessary in getting to know someone, so while I understand his pain, I think we all just have to sort of grin and bear it. Once you get past all that, if you do, you can move on to more interesting topics of conversation. Not to say people don't often strike up conversations on random and very interesting subjects

I would suggest finding something common to both of you, like for example if you go to college, give your opinion on the new lunch item they added. Sounds lame, I know, but it's little things like that that get conversations started.

 

[TheRadicalAnxiousLefty]

I can't remember the last time I had a lengthy chinwag. Every conversation I have had has been about war and terrorism, economics, international politics, neuroscience, history of music, genetics, philosophy of mind, metaphysics, and so forth. Usually after about six or seven beers, and a couple of Ritalin, with my best friends.