Learning social skills

[red_dove]

I was just wondering if anyone has found learning social skills to help their social anxiety/phobia?

I spent most of my late childhood/adolescence/early adulthood completely avoiding any social situations so I feel like there are huge gaps in my learning and I really don't know how to talk to people or make friends. I force myself to go to things (mostly with my kids) and meet people, but after 5yr of going to things I still have no friends and it's really hard. It hurts.

I know I'm doing stuff wrong, I know I'm lacking skills and knowledge when it comes to interacting with people and making friends. I'm also so scared of getting hurt. But I desperately want to overcome this, I want to fight it and beat it.

So anyway I'm wondering whether maybe doing a course on communication or something might help? And I'm wondering whether anyone has tried and has an opinion or suggestions of types of courses that are good, ones to avoid, etc?

Or other suggestions/other methods?
It's so lonely going through life with no friends and even though sometimes I think after so long I can't change, I'm not going to give up without trying everything I can think of. So suggestions are hugely appreciated!
Thanks in advance!

 

[Luke1993]

I wish there was some sort of "social skills class" I could go to in order to teach me how to make friends and other basic life skills, but there isn't anything of the sort I know of. Probably because most people have social skills, a class to teach wouldn't be necessary?

At school we had to do a mandatory "Life skills" class every week, but our teacher was pretty lazy, we just watched films.

Oh and welcome to these forums!

 

[AGlife]

Hello there, welcome
Luckily, theres plenty of books written on that subject. I havent read too many, but one i would definitely recommend is Dale Carnegie's: " How to Influence people and Win Friends".
I read the book and really think everyone, problems or not, should read it.
Also he actually based the book of the course he was teaching (i thinks). I've heard good things about it, so if you are up to take it, heres some info:
The Dale Carnegie Course Difference
good luck!

 

[Mr isolated]

..............

 

[nopark]

It's a little silly but I bought this book called Goodbye To Shy and I think it's a good read for people with SA. I thought the title sounded frivolous but the author is quite well known for her work helping people like us (a lot in the business world helping business men etc) so I gave it a shot.

Most of the stuff in the book we already know about on some level as common sense or instinct. But when you read it there in black and white and with the authors experiences to back it up, it makes a bigger impact. I started to implement some of the "shybusters" as they're called in my own life and I can see a real difference. I'm not fixed by any means but I feel much more confident.

The biggest revelation for me was that people don't really care about what you do or when you screw up. I would be so paranoid of looking stupid I would obsess and become super anxious whenever I met someone (where do I put my hands, where do I look, am I saying the right things etc). But other people really don't care about you that much to obsess over things like that Once I accepted that no one cares about these things, I was able to relax and feel more natural in social situations.

 

[violeteyes]

You want to take a course that is geared towards people that have SA. If you just take any communication course, that won't help at all because you won't be up to par with others who naturally enjoy public speaking, talking etc. It will only hurt you more if you are forced to do something that you're not good at.

I would recommend a book called "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook" by Bourne (cant remember his first name). It has the cheesiest title ever, but it helps when you read it. If I stop reading it though, my disorder seems to creep up on me again.

 

[Waybuloo]

From experience, i've found that I am so awkward and tense when first speaking to new people compared to how I speak to those I know well. But after knowing certain people i've stopped putting them on a pedestal and the barrier that i've unconsciously constructed goes away. Of course this doesn't happen with most people I meet but wiht the few whom that happens with it can be a nice revelation and a big relief. It puts into perspective how at the end of the day they are just normal people, they could be your mother. How ridiculous would it be to fear and not know how to talk to your own mum? I was terrified of my partner when I first met him, as I applied the same fearfulness to him as I did everyone. But now I am more comfortable with him than with anyone else, although it did take a year or two to get there. The trick is to find that comfort level quickly in social situations.

A website that i've found to be useful in gaining social skills is:
Succeed Socially.com | Free social skills advice for adults
Although it is quite a read and I've only gone through a few pages.

 

[Mokkat]

I've realized that learning social skills is not at all an issue compared to how tough it is to overwrite your old avoident social habits.

 

[Ritta]

I have terrible social skills. In person I tend to stutter a lot and sometimes I over explain things too much. I can tell I'm boring someone, when they look somewhere else or change the subject. Because of this I try not to say much, but then they think I'm not being very friendly. It's hard to find a medium ground. I'm also extremely sensitive, so anything they might tell me as a joke, I'll end up taking it personal and wonder why they said that to me.

Online, sometimes I feel the need to help someone so bad, as if their problems are my problems. I've been trying to control it and not do that anymore.

 

[Tiercel]

I've realized that learning social skills is not at all an issue compared to how tough it is to overwrite your old avoident social habits.

Exactly. I know how I should act, what to say, what not to say, etc. but actually implementing it all is where I fail. I either freeze up and do nothing or tense up and do the wrong thing. And when an interaction goes "wrong," it makes future avoidance so much more appealing.

Especially with women. If there's even the most remotely perceived possibility of a possibility of any romantic involvement I tend to act strangely and say awkward things. Like there's a little "woman" switch in my head that fouls up my message between its inception and its delivery. I've gotten a little bit better with practice, but sometimes I'm not even sure if what comes out was meant to be strange and humorous or if it just came out that way. Sometimes it's strange and creepy, which is even worse.

But I just practice a little bit at a time by pushing myself a bit at a time. Baby steps, while slow, tedious, and often discouraging, sometimes actually work.