kind of a blog post... stressed

[dottie]

i've been temping and feel trapped/enslaved/freaked/overstressed after just 3 weeks. this week will be my last week of temping there which makes me feel RELIEVED. it also makes me imagine if i were hired to work there permanently i wouldn't last more than 3 months spreading it thin. either i would snap or get let go like my previous jobs. how will i ever get on my own two feet?

it is not a bad place to work, everyone is pretty friendly. most would consider it a great place to work. the job i am filling in for is reception. sounds easy right? well, it is stressful having the phone constantly ring with questions i do not have any answers to, having to constantly bug other people to take the call, always having to get up and locate things from other peoples' offices so i can try to help someone on the phone. the constant interaction with people makes me frantic inside. when i am there i feel like i am crawling out of my skin and how much longer is it until 5:00. on the weekend i have a hard time NOT thinking about being there, dreading tomorrow when i have to go back. and i've only been there for 3 weeks!

anyway, i worry that i will never be able to handle the stress of a job for longer than 3 months at a time and never be able to support myself.

 

[dottie]

yeah, my mom says i have to get out of her house in the next 3 months. she says i don't have friends and that my boyfriend is not good enough. she says, "YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON." ok whatever. that would be great if i could even find a stable job right now. and if i do i hope i can HOLD that job.

i'm such a loser.

 

[dottie]

i feel so pathetic and unstable... then again, when do i not feel pathetic and unstable? jobless... friendless... i want to talk to someone about my problems but i have no one to talk to... i have a couple distant aquaintances via the internet but i don't want to lay my problems on them. i don't want to talk to my mom about anything because she twists it into an opportunity to lecture me. like i am going to invite her to lecture me so she can get on her soapbox and get her power boost. she loves that. ugh. my boyfriend ignores me and he hates it when i talk about feelings or issues so i don't go there. basically i fester.

so, what are these problems i want to vent out?

1. i can't find a job (besides temping but that is not stable). i've applied at several places but... nothing. when i do have a job i feel like i am imploding with anxiety. so even when i eventually, miraculously find a job i don't have faith that it will last long- whether i actually have a nervous breakdown or get "let go" for being that girl.

2. my mom is kicking me out in a couple of months but i don't have work. while i would love to live on my own, i am quite unstable. obviously! what will become of me? they hate the fact that i live here. they view me as a loser, a leech who has overstayed their welcome, which basically i am. i feel really guilty about it but i would be homeless otherwise... and i might be pretty soon.

3. my boyfriend ignores me. he tries to make a point that he is not ignoring me by turning off the video game for a minute but... there is no engaging. i try to converse and it goes nowhere. he just stares at me like, "ok i'm here what do you want?" what i want is connection, intimacy (i don't mean physical), humor, a feeling of openness to talk, validity, flirting. i want him to joke with me and encourage me when i am feeling down... not just to stare at me with dead eyes.

4. i have no friends. i have few aquaintances that i meet up with occasionally but i do not know how to turn it into a true friendship and maintain it. there is also an underlying paranoia that i am offending them somehow. inbetween the rare times we meet up, i don't know what to say to them. i certainly don't want to lay my problems on them (which is just about all i am good at talking about) so i don't say anything.

specifically it comes down to: self confidence, motivation, eye contact, backbone/balls/cajones, trust that everything is ok, relaxation, humor. it's just not there. those are my problems.

thanks for the place on the www to get this SHIT out.

 

[dottie]

temping today. glad i have work for the moment. not looking forward to being in a cold, uncomfortable, germy office with multiple lines ringing all day nonstop. the thought of not having any alone time or a moment to relax for the next 10 hours makes me queezy.

 

[dottie]

back home and my face is twitching because of the stress.

eta: later i will address work issues from today in a post.

 

[dottie]

let me tell you my fun experience from today. i've been temping on and off at a very busy office and today i walked into a room when coworkers' backs were to the door and one of them was hatefully going off, "she's so stupid!" and the other coworker who didn't yet see me said, "she's not stupid, she's just SLOW!" in a real sarcastic, patronizing tone. then they realized i was in there and stopped with that and continued discussing a "mistake" i made in a hushed tone. like i couldn't hear or put 2 and 2 together. well, the "mistake" was something i was not trained to do. sorry i didn't print your ticket but 1. i didn't know i needed to. 2. i wasn't trained how to do it.

did i say anything? no. i avoid confrontation. if i would have addressed what they were saying i would have lost it and gotten myself fired for blowing up and cussing them out. instead i internalized it and felt sad and frustrated. i was already overwhelmed but this just pushed me over the top. i could barely focus on where to click my mouse.

it is really frustrating when i am trying my DAMNEDEST and yet all i can achieve for respect from coworkers is "stupid," "slow." this is the response i get from coworkers in pretty much every job i've ever had. it is very disheartening.

i don't discuss things like this with my boyfriend or anyone because i am too prideful, i guess. it's like saying you got beat up at school or something. but the fact that i am "SLOW" and that it is a hot topic with coworkers behind my back is a reoccurring issue at every place that i am employed.

 

[Ashiene]

there should be a blog feature on this forum on each person's profile.

 

[dottie]

there should be a blog feature on this forum on each person's profile.

that's a good idea!

 

[dottie]

when i think about having to go back tomorrow i feel sick to my stomach.

you want to know the odd part? the reason why they hired me is because the person who is away, who i am filling in for, is out on leave due to anxiety. i finally asked why this person was out. they told me anxiety and went on to mock her for it. i said, "i have anxiety disorder so i can understand where she's coming from" and one of my coworkers laughed, almost spitting out her food. then she's like, "i'm sorry that's not funny." ...whatever.

 

[dottie]

i had a job interview pop up so i called in to work this morning at the temp job. (they know i'm on the job hunt for something full time and permanent.) i stopped at home for a minute. i do NOT want to go back to that office. i feel like a cat about to be thrown into a swimming pool. (((( i want to just call in and quit. it's not my style but it is just unbarable. the job is already overwhelming and now especially when coworkers are calling me "stupid" and "slow" behind my back.

 

[gio289]

just hang in there dottie. Try to do ur best on the job interview, and then before u kno it, u'll be gone from ur temp job

 

[dottie]

thanks for your support, gio! that job is over! good riddance!

today i was so swamped and overwhelmed. i had two calls on hold with tasks i needed to do for them, with the phone still ringing, patients coming to ask me questions at the counter, and coworkers behind me being noisy. i couldn't think! (this chaos happens a lot there as it is the front desk) with this i was starting to get panicky as usual.

the way society and psychologists have taught me to deal with panic is to not focus on it, to just press forward, and continue on anyway like it is not happening. so i do. it's what's expected. but when i do it's like my brain shorts out. i can't focus, my speech becomes incoherent and more slurred than usual, i become disoriented. everything becomes a fog because i go into this weird zoned-out, tunnel vision mode just to cope, to not have a breakdown, and to continue with the task at hand. it's like i am having a breakdown but ignoring it and pressing on- even though it is pretty obvious to others.

anyway, this happened today and one of the patients at the desk said, "Gee it is really hard to understand what you are saying." it's like she was calling me out in front of everyone in the office that i was in a panic. and yeah, that is when i realized to myself, "wow i'm panicking." like i said, i pretend in my mind that i am not panicking even though it's apparent to everyone. for the sake of coping i have to be in denial that it is happening. to others i appear like a robot sparking, shorting out, saying the wrong sentences, wrong responses, confused, disoriented, out of breath, frantic.

does any of this make sense? does anyone else cope this way by forcing themselves to be in denial in the moment? even though it is obvious to everyone else in the room. sorry if i just repeated myself a million times i just don't know if i make sense.

this is how i have coped for a looooong time and it is not working.

**** that job. so glad that shit is OVER WITH.

 

[Lea]

Congratulations Dottie. Hope you soon find something where you feel more comfortable .

Anyway I am still amazed how great you describe the symptoms, I have it very similar to you I think.

 

[Rainorshine]

I can relate to everything you said. I don't know how to deal with my emotions when I have panic attacks. Others think I'm immature, lack of responsibility, not dependable, slow, stupid. I've been through everything you've experienced. I got fired from a very good company because of my emotional issues. I don't know what to say when I talk to co-workers but I have no problems talking to strangers on the street, what about you? Have you ever had any positive experience socially, where you can be your self and other like you for who you are? I like your post please continue updating it.

 

[Rainorshine]

Dot,
I'm 29 years old and be 30 in October. I have been follow your blog and have red many posts. I can sense that familiar scenes of desperation that I had felt for the pass 5 years. Here is a little about me.

I start to notice that there is a something not right about me socially when in my early 20's, but at that time I was still able to go out and still enjoy my self.

The real problem started at 23 when my son was born. I meet my ex-wife in a party at a friends house. From the initial sexual attraction it developed in to something else. A year later she had my son, and we started to live together and then married. At that time I was doing OK by my self, had my down days and knows there is people don't like me.... But I DOn't Care and was still able to carry on with my normal life!

As my son grow up. Me and wife start to grow apart and that had caused me a great level of stress and due the stress I got fired from a very good national company at that time I was making close to $40000 salary. Then everything when from bad to even more depressing, you probably guessed.... A Device!

Well, it's almost 6am here in Toronto, I'm too tried to write an essay right now,,,

Just wnt to say don't give up, and enjoys your "jobless vacation"!

we talk soon

 

[dottie]

I can relate to everything you said. I don't know how to deal with my emotions when I have panic attacks. Others think I'm immature, lack of responsibility, not dependable, slow, stupid. I've been through everything you've experienced. I got fired from a very good company because of my emotional issues.

hey rainorshine, thank you for the kind response. are you back to working? how have things been for you lately? do you feel in a better place now?

I don't know what to say when I talk to co-workers but I have no problems talking to strangers on the street, what about you?

when it comes to almost anyone, including strangers on the street, i can only bring myself to say short scripted things like general please, thank you, oh sorry, excuse me. things like that. actual conversation is difficult.

Have you ever had any positive experience socially, where you can be your self and other like you for who you are? I like your post please continue updating it.

that is a good question because i have been so withdrawn for so long that i don't remember "being myself" since i was a kid. even as a kid i was very withdrawn, but that as a kid i had my moments where i could be silly. mostly just around my brother. thanks for posting, i'm glad to know someone has read.

 

[dottie]

Dottie.. you rock! I've found these posts quite inspirational. I've convinced myself i'm too scared to even apply for jobs, but I feel very guilty reading what you have to do. It sounds like you're getting a really unfair deal as well from the people close to you. Like you I don't understand how people can be so cold and passive.

release <3 thanks! well, i need a job but i've got little response from the places i've applied. that combined with the fact that i don't want to work (honestly, deep down inside i loathe working, and you know just why) i'm not as aggressive in job hunting like i should be. it is hard to be aggressive in seeking to do something you loathe with every fiber of your being. i feel like i tried (damn hard) and failed. i'm over it. i am losing all motivation to even bother looking.

what kind of person do i want to be? do i want to be "that loser" who is 30, living at home, jobless? or do i want to be someone who works and lives on their own? for a while i cared. for a while i thought i could work and get my own place. but i can't even hold a job. at this point i can't even get a job...

i go back and forth feeling guilty about it.

on one hand i should not be a leech living off of my parents, living in their house at the age of 29. i should be working hard, attempting to attain independence and respect.

on the other hand i believe i have a disability (aspergers). i should not kill myself with stress just to live up to social norms and gain approval from others. i should just be happy with who i am.

sometimes i feel guilty. sometimes i try to justify it. mostly i just try not to think about it, that's why i've been avoiding this forum lately! hehe i actually came here to vent some but your posts made me feel better. thanks!

 

[Lea]

I agree with release - you´re very good when you managed to be a waitress, drive and find a boyfriend. Nevertheless I think you might be suffering from AS, don´t you think it would be worth it to get properly diagnosed? I´d find a specialist in autism and get the diagnose (it may not be cheap though). Then they can offer you therapy and consultancy how to find work. I myself haven´t been there yet because I want to work abroad anyway.. I struggle with the job search at the moment. For people like us it´s not easy at all. And I don´t think it´s about being lazy as some might think. People often mistake being quiet for not trying enough, not making the effort but I think I´m making enough effort but if you´re autistic.. Funny I often talk a lot but am still considered quiet. I can´t change the quiet type of person I am. I´d even go for being a subject in medical trials, I have applied before in Germany and England but wasn´t accepted. Not even as a guinea pig am I good.

 

[dottie]

keep typing and deleting but...

i am not well. i need psychological help. emotional support is not there. i don't know where to get it. counselling is out of the question when you live below poverty level.

i just need validation. i need someone to tell me i am worthy. i need someone to be my cheerleader. because i don't get that from anywhere. quite the opposite, actually.

my self esteem needle is dipping below zero and it obvious in every aspect of my life. it is unhidable. and that is why i hide.

ok submit reply click

 

[Rainorshine]

Hey Dot, don't give up! Feeling of hopelessness will pass and you will feel better...I'm sure you will.

there some happy face for ya!! And here is some more (suppose to by alot more but forum only allow 4 lol)

Just remember most of our negative feeling are cause by our conditions, things are not as bad as it seems, do you agree?

YOU ARE SMART AND INTERESTING, I COULD SEE IT FROM YOUR POST AND THAT'S ALSO THE REASON WHY I CHECK YOUR POST EVERY WEEK.

So how is things going so far? Why are you so down? Are you still on your "vacation"? Sorry I didn't reply for a long time as I'm also trying to deal with my own emotional issue at my new job. But I think I'm doing ok so far, my condition seems to be alot better now! I still get that depressing feeling often, at times I feel like I can't make it any more and if I go to work today I will do something abnormal and people gonna find out who I really am.
But at the end I still have to go and most the time my day turn out ok, there are few people at my office knows that I'm not right some how, but they can't tell what lol. What I'm trying to do right now is to ignore my depressing thoughts and trying to live with the fact that people will talk behind your back.

I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFT AND I KNOW ONE DAY WE ALL WILL FIND A EQUILIBRIUM WHERE WE CAN ENJOY LIFE ON OUR OWN TERM. PLEASE DON'T LOSE HOPE!!! YOU GOT FRIENDS HERE AND THAT IS TRUE! JUST SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE READS AND RESPOND TO YOUR POST AND YOU WILL KNOW IT'S TRUE!