kind of a blog post... stressed

[dottie]

hey rainorshine, thanks for the words of encouragement. it's so appreciated right now.

god i know just how you feel at your job dealing with people talking behind your back. even if you keep to yourself and mind your own people have to assess you and measure you up just to have something to talk about and make them feel better about themselves. UGHHHHH. i hate the workplace pecking order drama! how long have you been at your job? what do you do?

i'm still unemployed, living at home. i half-heartedly look for work for 2 reasons: 1. it's very competitive out there so not many people will hire you, 2. i hate the incredible stress i feel when working so honestly i am not passionate about jumping back into such a demanding environment. i know i need to be working fulltime and i am looking, but i don't treat the job search like a fulltime job, you know what i mean? i am not actively on a job search from 9-5. i fill out some apps every few days and go to an interview here or there.

things in my life are complicated right now. i have no money and my janky car needs repairs. i have to borrow money from my parents who already hate me for being unemployed. they will hang it over my head. they treat me very cold and judgementally, they resent my existance. i don't do drugs, i don't drink, my room is very clean, i always immediately clean up after myself in the kitchen, i am an honest person, but because i have social problems and am unemployed i am the ultimate loser.

my boyfriend lives out of state and a few months back bought a ticket for me to visit him in a few weeks coming up. my parents think i am a horrible person for going to visit my boyfriend even though he is the one paying for it. i know it is a bad time to visit as i should be focused on getting hired ANYwhere i can but he already paid for the ticket. i feel so torn. if i wasn't going on this trip i could be more aggressive to get hired now but i know no one is going to hire me until the trip is over.

anyway, i am living at home with my mom who hates me. she thinks unemployed people are evil. she has a very cookie cutter-mentality thinking all people should be working 9-5 no matter what. anyone who works less than full time is a loser to her. she hates me. she has always been hateful toward me, though, and that is why i have bad self esteem. she treats me like dirt in a very passive aggressive way.

i'm going to get a job I HOPE so i can move out. i just want to get the **** away from my mother and having her hold shit over my head.

anyways, i have really, REALLY been needing to air out my problems somewhere. thanks.

 

[Rainorshine]

Wow! Has been busy for the whole week finally get to sit down and read your post. So how are you doing?

The past week for me at work was though. On one hand I try so hard to learn the ropes of new job, email, additional training blah blah blah! Task seem endless, my stress level is definitely up there. But I'm still trying hard to hung in there...so far!

It's getting difficult to get up and go to work in the morning (I'm a night person), I have already use up 1 of the my sick day.

To me this is a challenge, the main reason is to prove that I can do it. Remember I mentioned before that I was fried from a well know company in Canada (for personal issues I don't want to name name) few years ago? Well, now I'm back to the same place where I started 3yrs ago. The reason I'm telling this is because I want to let you know that even though we are trap in a emotional dark place right now there is still chance for all of us to recover if we try. That's why I'm here again to prove that I can do it!

But that doesn't mean that I'm doing totally fine. I'm still trying to deal with co-workers. I try to be as friendly to possible, and trying my best to talk to few people over there, but finding it difficult to come up with topics. I'm afraid, sooner or later people gonna find out who I really I'm. But at the same time I try to act normal , trying me best not to be the office loser. And so far I'm doing ok, people know that I not right some how but because I'm always friendly and makes small talks with people that they think I'm OK, some of them talks about me behind my back but on the surface still trying to be nice to me and show respect by not being rude, I can read them look a book!

I know that due to our condition, we're very sensitive about others emotion toward us, and some times I know some of my thoughts has no logical base, and some are what I can sense from other people and . BTW I'm very good at reading people's reaction...may be a little too well

In the way I think I'm lucky that I'm still able to blend in with society...some what. I'm able to converse with strangers who doesn't know too much about me. I can meet new people, but unable to maintaining long term relationship... or short term!! I have a lovely son! Gonna be grade 1 coming fall. So I spend a lot time with him on the weekend, I sometimes felt that he is my luck charm and that fate has put him here to led me!! I honestly do! Because of him I'm trying so hard not to be of a negative influence on him, I do my best to bring him out as much as possible to the park, swimming class or burger king, so he can start developing social skills at a early age. And in the process I notice that I start to develop better tolerance for strangers. When I'm in the park I will try to talk to same of the other parents there and slowly had developed a set of topic to talk about. So when I see strangers I will go through my topics. I think by talking to strangers really helped me and that was my first steps forward recovery, them everything start to build from there. I'm still trying so so hard everyday to improve, I'm scared that one day everything will crash down on me and I will be back to where I started.

Also I know what you talking about of how your parents is on your back all the time, talking about how much of failure you are compare to so and so! That's how my dad is. He always focus on my problems and keep on talking about it, but he doesn't realize that I doing the best I can to improve my life/my condition. My mom on the other hand are over protective, she want to take care everything for me, she shows love by constantly nagging about everything. For example, when I was in high school (11 years ago) I skip a lot, or I will sleep in till 10 then go. After school had contacted her about my issue she started to wake me up every day and reminded me to go to school, even when she is at work she calls, even till this day she still tells me every single day to get up and go to work, She know that I'm almost 30 now and that I could take care my self, hell I even take care my son! but for some reason she just wouldn't let go. There is much much more thing that she bitches about like don't lose your keys, I lose my keys once when I was 9 years old and she talks about it ever since lol. Some times I felt that she being over protective is also the cause of my problem, or she might have problem her self. I love both of them but some time I can't stand them!!

I was unemployed for a while few years back, and during that time I have no money to pay rent, so I moved back with my parents. And my mom use to bitch about everything all day long and the main reason is that I have no contribution to the family and she has to take care of everything, even when I tell her not to worry. So as soon as I find a job I give her my first paycheck and that shuts her up right away lol!!

Well that 's all for now...Don't lose HOPE!

 

[dottie]

Wow Rainorshine, thanks for opening up to me and sharing. I relate sooooo much to everything you said, it is amazing.

I LOATHE that feeling of forcing yourself to get up in the morning to go somewhere that is the last place you want to be. It's like you die inside. People say slavery doesn't exist anymore but it clearly does. To have to be somewhere and be miserable being in an environment you don't want to be in is slavery. Sure you get paid but what if you don't want to show up for a few days? What if you need time to yourself? What if you have important things you need to take care of, too? They will fire you if you don't show up. You HAVE TO spend 8 hours of your day in their cage doing exactly their bidding. That is a long time. I know 40 hours out of 168 hours (a week) doesn't seem like much but when you consider that you have to wake up an hour and a half ahead of time to "get ready" then when you come home after work you still have to commute (however long that may take you) and then it takes a long time to unwind, by the time you unwind you have to go to sleep and do it all over again. That is not freedom! That is slavery.

I hope hope hope someday I can be self employed and not have to work for someone else. Even still you are a slave to the system but at least you can do it your own way in a comfortable environment you like.

thank you so much for writing because i related to everything you said and you give me hope that i can eventually move out. that is my goal right now to get employed and move out. usually it seems impossible in my mind but you have illustrated that it is possible. i hope to hear from you soon!

 

[dottie]

I'm writing this here because it is not acceptable to have "ugly feelings" in the real world. People don't want to hear them and I don't want people to think I'm a horrible person. Maybe I am, I don't know.

But I loathe my mom. Cannot ****ing STAND her. She is so fake. She is fake nice (to make herself look good in front of people), but passive aggressively mean, and cold. She has never been kind to me in terms of warmth and affection. She has always treated her husbands kind... but not me. It's like a double standard. I don't get it. She puts her husbands on a pedastal but then treats her kids like shit. She is a nasty person. I hate myself for anything inside me that reflects her.

Yet I am trapped living in her home. And she can hold it over my head because she is the martyr. She likes people to think she is so gracious because she lets me live here. Oh she just has a bleeding heart of gold! (bullshit) I am thankful to have a home and internet connection, but aside from that when it comes to interacting with her, she is vicious and nasty. People don't see that side of her because she hides it so well.

It's not just me, either. My aunt has cut her out of her life for this very reason. My mom knows how to make herself look good on the outside but under it all she is a vicious, nasty person. And I loathe her. LOATHE.

ETA I want to beat the shit out of her I ****ing hate her.

 

[dottie]

hey leah, that is awful. thank god they do not try to take my money! you have it worse than me. you should not let them take your money! do you have your own bank account? put it in there and do not let them access it! save your money and get out of there!

i am looked down on and criticized when i buy things, too. i barely ever buy anything and when i do it is usually the bare necessities: food, toiletries, or (rarely) clothing. but my mom takes inventory. she is much more passive-aggressive than your family (because she wants to look good to her husband and friends) so it isn't direct anymore like when i was a kid. but she still creates an intensely hostile environment. she uses judgemental dirty looks that no one else can see, silent treatment, waits until no one else is around then she bullies me.

if she tried to control my money i would move to a homeless shelter and not put up with it. easier said than done, though.

i wish you the best of luck and sympathize for your situation. it sounds awful.

 

[Lea]

Thank you for your reply Dottie. It´s actually not so that they would directly steel my money, only that time I was so naive I just kept giving what I earned to my father to put it on his account because I was in Germany and didn´t have mine. I thought it doesn´t matter because it´s in the family and of course he would then give me the money whenever and whatever for I need them. I trusted him even despite he was beating me and treating me like shit most of the time, but in spite of that I thought he was honest!! I never thought he was a crook (and have hard time to think that even now) because he is a quite rule abiding person. So the money I have now is mine, and they would never steel it from my purse or so. Plus, I don´t pay any bills and eat some of their food, althouth most of it I buy myself. I would be so happy if my father talked to me like to a normal human, told me he wanted that I pay my share of the bills etc., and I could then use heating in my room when Im cold and didn´t get bullied because of it. I even tried to give him money or keep telling him all the time I would give him money if he would let me use the heating but he tells me NO, you won´t use the heating etc., and ridicules me for wanting to give him money because somehow... my money will never exist or is ridiculous, he allways scorns if I wanted to give him money, he says he doesn´t need it so I shout at him "so what do you want if not money!!" He wants to bully and control me... There is no logic in what he does. There is no logic in our "family" at all.. I am very loose with my money, I would give them everything without regret, I buy my mother expensive things in England if she wants it (she is a collector). Or I give my mother some lump sum of what I earn sometimes.. (For what I spend of their money when I am at home). I feel like I will allways owe them something, also because I have no idea of how much i owe them.... But it´s their fault because they don´t care about it, and if I tell them to keep record my mother gets annoyed saying "don´t talk like this, it´s in the family".

At the moment I still have some money on my account in England but can´t ever see earning that much in the future. How ****ed i am, if I was only a bit normal, i would be a millionaire by now. It´s such a shame I can´t do that job anymore because of my "social skills"...

 

[dottie]

what job were you doing? how did you get it? just curious.

 

[dottie]

is that taking care of seniors? i'm not surprised you got fired- old people are picky! one day i will be old and totally picky lol i already have the picky part down.

 

[Lea]

Yes. Also as I could see it, all this care business is not really about people, it´s about making money off them. Sometimes it seemed to me, what´s important is not logic, not honesty, not well-being of the people, but personal interests of the staff and agencies. It resembled a power game to me... I could see again the whole society has rotten rules and you either have to play according to them, or not and you will be out. And the higher place, the easier is to fall off. It is not easy for me to stay in this job, also because the people I look after are not playing fairly - they abuse you and still manage to turn it around against you, call the agency.. and they allways believe THEM. Plus, the agency people are often not playing fairly either. ... And also the clients usualy have large circle of friends and family or employ other staff, there is allways someone who doesn´t like you and they make sure they get rid of you. Once even the boss noticed the other staff were plotting against me and I could stay only because she wanted me there.

 

[dottie]

I forgot to add, I don´t think I am a "good carer". I am hardworking and honest, but it´s more about being cheerful and happy, outgoing. Sad but true, and I don´t think I should apply to this position again. I don´t fit in there. (I mean in the domiciliary it´s OK, but not live-in).

i know just what you mean. people expect you to be a little ray of sunshine while being their personal slave.

people say things get better once you're out of high school but it's not true. people are exactly the same the way they single out one person. PEOPLE SUCK.

 

[dottie]

i walk into the backyard to hang out with the dogs and hear my name. sure enough my mom is out there, too, talking on the phone about me to someone. i ask who she's talking to about me and she won't tell me, walks away, keeps talking. she ignored me so i kept asking her. then she makes a joke on the phone to the person she's talking to that i want to know who it is. it is rude to talk about others and when i ask she should just tell me! i hate her games. she wonders why i hate her.

 

[dottie]

Back to vent frustrations.

I'm dealing with the unemployment office. I've been unemployed for months now. Over a month ago i applied for unemployment benefits and was approved. Well, it took them a month to finally straighten out my paperwork and tell me that a check is on the way. I get the check today and it's not even a check. It's a notice saying this week is a "waiting period week". WTF? I've already frickin had to wait over a month for them to straighten out their mess and now they tag on a "waiting period week" as an extra kick in the nuts?! F U.