kind of a blog post... stressed

[dottie]

HOME: i am 29 living at home so i can attend school. i'm about to get kicked out because i'm not a happy extrovert, including other factors which will be mentioned below.

SCHOOL: i might have to drop this class because i am doing so poorly. it isn't a class necessary for my degree. next semester i would like to attend full time again and be ready to transfer by next fall, and continue for my b.a.

SLEEP: my sleep schedule is fucked. i sleep during the day (or as soon as i get home from school around noon) and i can't sleep at night. i have no desire to be awake during the day because i value the alone time at night so much. i fucking hate people that much.

WORK: i only work two days a week. they just hired two new servers, even though we are well-enough staffed, and i am afraid that i am such a bad server (socially awkward) that they hired these guys to replace me. they were, in fact, recruited by the owner specifically as he found them in other restaurants so he knows they are good servers.

RELATIONSHIPS: i am usually in a piss poor mood and feel judged all the time. i feel batshit defensive, paranoid like everyone is out to get me. all of my relationships are pretty much in turmoil. family, boyfriend, friends, coworkers.

----------------------------

so i am about to get kicked out of the house. really, i can't stand living here (tired of the judgement and expectations) and would LOVE to live on my own! but my heart is dedicated to school and i ache to achieve a bachelor's degree. if i get kicked out of this house i will have to get a full time job to afford rent somewhere which means i would pretty much have to drop out of school. i don't think i can handle working fulltime while attending school, not to mention that not all of the classes i need to take are available outside of the usual 9-5 work hours. i'm so tired of living with the parents (hate it) but i want to stay in school so bad. my mother has no appreciation for school. she acts like i am a loser because i'm a student, that it has taken me so long, and that i do not work a conformist 9-5 job.

i feel like no one respects me. i have social issues so bad which makes shit challenging. there is no appreciation or consideration of it. i am just written off as a loser. sometimes i'm over it, i don't care, i've come to terms with the way people will see me. but lately i feel consumed by it. i just want respect. i am NOT just a loser. i have goals i am working toward.

at MY birthday dinner my dad went off and listed how much shit he had accomplished when he had reached my age. like he was implying i am a big disappointment. gee, happy birthday to me. i wouldn't have gone to my own birthday dinner if i knew they were just going to try to make me feel like shit.

my mom treats me like shit because i am only scheduled to work two days a week. well, when my last job ended i got the first job i could!!! that is what most people do. it is a job that is accommodating to schedule around school hours. but that is not enough in my mom's eyes. until i am miserable working a 9-5 government job shitting out children, then i am a loser to her. i will NEVER be who she wants me to be. i am never going to be that bubbley, cheerful daughter who overlooks the child abuse she dished me as a kid and happily forgives her. she is a two faced bitch, i know who she is and what she is about- as fake as she wants to act now. she can act fake but that is not going to inspire me to act fake, too, and pretend she isn't truly a vindictive bitch from hell behind closed doors! i know who she is and i'm not going to play best friends with someone who doesn't deserve it.

but all in all, in my opinion, it's the least she can do to provide me with a place to live while i finish my education. many kids parents pay to ship their kids off to college or at least take part in helping them plan out their education. my mom had nothing to do with it. she had no guidance or interest. she says i got my a.a. and that is enough.

i hate living here with her as much as she hates me. if i had my degree already i would be long gone! you think i would be eating shit here? fuck that.

so anyway, i need to figure out how in the hell school will ever be a possibility if i have to pay at least $850 a month for a studio somewhere.

 

[dottie]

i just worked a double shift. hell. it was.

nothing makes me feel like such a failure than being a server. this job is set up for emotional FAIL. i cannot wait to get a new job. hopefully it will be a job that i feel confident in my work. this job just leaves me feeling so insecure.

these are the thoughts/beliefs that are constant while at work:

- my bosses think i am incompetent and are trying to figure out a way to fire me. the only reason they haven't yet is because they feel sorry for me because i come across as mentally retarded

- my coworkers think i am incompetent, scoff, and laugh at me behind my back. constantly.

- no one here likes me

- people think i am a mess, mentally challenged, stupid

- people think i am cheesy, nerdy, corny, and fake

- i look disheveled, unkempt, and ugly

- i am annoying and get in my coworkers' way (physically)

- the bus boys, bartender, and hostess think i am cheap when i don't tip them out much money at the end of the night- even if i didn't make great tips. which is my fault anyway because i am a bad server.

- i am bad at serving tables, can't juggle many tables at once, can't remember the menu, and put the restaurant in a bad light. i have a reputation for being the worst server.

- customers think i am an asshole, lazy, and stupid even though i am trying my damnedest

- everyone is watching my every move

- people think i am up to no good always even though that would be my farthest intention ever

i LOATHE being a server. it is pure hell. i am beginning to search for a new job in a different field but it seems difficult due to the economy. even if i get a job in a different field i will still be haunted with insane insecurity and paranoia. it is something i will never escape. but maybe there is a job where i can hide away in a cubicle and be an excellent pencil pusher. i know that is just running away from the problem but i don't think i will ever be free of the paranoia. at least i can hide my mess of a self in a cubicle away from others and hang onto some sort of dignity instead of constantly humiliating myself in front of other people with my social ineptitude.


eggggh. i should go to bed.

 

[Andrew]

You are not alone. I just read the story of my life back to me. I am even almost the same age as you. I did manage to get my degree but what have I done with it or what will I do with it? Most likely nothing. I am desperate to move out of home again (I was out for a year but had to move back in because I made the stupid decision of continuing study). I can not stand my parents, as I have mentioned in brief on another thread. Bitch is the word best to describe my mother.

I couldn't even handle a nightfill job. I had to quit (before they fired me) because my OCD meant that I was too slow at filling shelves. I can't concentrate enough, so a lot of jobs will probably be off limits. I tried an administrative job and once again was too slow. People would get angry at me and the pressure would rise and rise.

I had SA for much of my life but it kind of morphed into OCD. Exposure therapy made most of the SA beliefs and feelings go away before it turned into OCD. In your first post you said you were looking for advice so.... firstly there is one thing I know - your anxiety will adapt. You mention that you are scared of moving out because of the chance that you will screw up and get fired. Your brain will let you do what you have to do to survive and pay the rent. I would not worry about that.

I am scared about the economic situation and how hard it is to find jobs. I am scared that I will not be able to get out of this house, that I won't be able to find a job that I can hold down. Inside me I know that my fears are not stronger than my will to survive, but that is just a small voice.

 

[dottie]

=I couldn't even handle a nightfill job. I had to quit (before they fired me) because my OCD meant that I was too slow at filling shelves. I can't concentrate enough, so a lot of jobs will probably be off limits. I tried an administrative job and once again was too slow. People would get angry at me and the pressure would rise and rise.

I had SA for much of my life but it kind of morphed into OCD. Exposure therapy made most of the SA beliefs and feelings go away before it turned into OCD. In your first post you said you were looking for advice so.... firstly there is one thing I know - your anxiety will adapt. You mention that you are scared of moving out because of the chance that you will screw up and get fired. Your brain will let you do what you have to do to survive and pay the rent. I would not worry about that.

I am scared about the economic situation and how hard it is to find jobs. I am scared that I will not be able to get out of this house, that I won't be able to find a job that I can hold down. Inside me I know that my fears are not stronger than my will to survive, but that is just a small voice.

yep exactly! so your social anxiety went away? you don't feel anxiety around people anymore? or do you feel like you can just tolerate social situations with the anxiety still there that you couldn't before? it feels like i have always had SA and OCD and they'll be there no matter what. i just tolerate the anxiety that is still present but force myself into necessary social situations that i would have avoided before. it is an improvement but crazy stressful.

 

[Andrew]

yep exactly! so your social anxiety went away? you don't feel anxiety around people anymore? or do you feel like you can just tolerate social situations with the anxiety still there that you couldn't before? it feels like i have always had SA and OCD and they'll be there no matter what. i just tolerate the anxiety that is still present but force myself into necessary social situations that i would have avoided before. it is an improvement but crazy stressful.

Actually now that I think about it, I still do have SA to a very similar degree as before, it is just that it is now a hybrid OCD-SA. Instead of my stomach tightening up and panicking about having nothing to say, my OCD kicks in and distracts my brain, leading to me not only having nothing to say but not being able to focus on what the other person is saying!

I am not entirely sure if it is the case that I just do things inspite of the anxiety. It is more of a case that I in fact am not as scared of the social situations. Because I have purposefully exposed myself to many of the things I was scared of (not having anything to say during a phone call for example) the fear of what will happen if I do those things is much less and I have more confidence that I have lots of things to say. There is a but though, and the but is that I also feel less confident that I will be able to access those things to say due to the fact that my OCD kicks in and distracts me.

The net outcome therefore is not all that different, in fact worse, with OCD. The fact is that no therapy is going to make us free of anxiety as anxiety is a normal emotion that most people experience. And no matter what, my brain seems to choose every way OTHER THAN a functional way to deal with the anxiety. And no, there is no chance of any therapy helping me because I have done them all for years What I am focused on now is goals. I want goals to drive me beyond my fear. Of course at the end of the day, the problems will still be there, but while pushing for those goals, hopefully they will get pushed to the side.

I truly think you will be better off when you start working to survive rather than being dependent at home. But it is so great to read that there is somebody else out there going through exactly the same thing as me. It is scary though isn't it? Sometimes I feel so depressed, like I am not going to be able to get out of here.

 

[Andrew]

- people think i am cheesy, nerdy, corny, and fake

This is what people think about me because it is true. I am fake to them. I am so unnatural and so unable to access my own self that I have to throw something out there to make it look like I am at least human.

 

[dottie]

yep exactly! so your social anxiety went away? you don't feel anxiety around people anymore? or do you feel like you can just tolerate social situations with the anxiety still there that you couldn't before? it feels like i have always had SA and OCD and they'll be there no matter what. i just tolerate the anxiety that is still present but force myself into necessary social situations that i would have avoided before. it is an improvement but crazy stressful.

Actually now that I think about it, I still do have SA to a very similar degree as before, it is just that it is now a hybrid OCD-SA. Instead of my stomach tightening up and panicking about having nothing to say, my OCD kicks in and distracts my brain, leading to me not only having nothing to say but not being able to focus on what the other person is saying!

I am not entirely sure if it is the case that I just do things inspite of the anxiety. It is more of a case that I in fact am not as scared of the social situations. Because I have purposefully exposed myself to many of the things I was scared of (not having anything to say during a phone call for example) the fear of what will happen if I do those things is much less and I have more confidence that I have lots of things to say. There is a but though, and the but is that I also feel less confident that I will be able to access those things to say due to the fact that my OCD kicks in and distracts me.

The net outcome therefore is not all that different, in fact worse, with OCD. The fact is that no therapy is going to make us free of anxiety as anxiety is a normal emotion that most people experience. And no matter what, my brain seems to choose every way OTHER THAN a functional way to deal with the anxiety. And no, there is no chance of any therapy helping me because I have done them all for years What I am focused on now is goals. I want goals to drive me beyond my fear. Of course at the end of the day, the problems will still be there, but while pushing for those goals, hopefully they will get pushed to the side.

I truly think you will be better off when you start working to survive rather than being dependent at home. But it is so great to read that there is somebody else out there going through exactly the same thing as me. It is scary though isn't it? Sometimes I feel so depressed, like I am not going to be able to get out of here.

when you talk about your ocd, what are some of your most prevalent symptoms (big obstacles) that get in your way?

 

[Andrew]

the pressure and anxiety of working is unbarable. it makes me sick, literally. how can i depend on a job for survival when i feel like i am about to crack?

I truly believe people like us shouldn't be dealing with people when working. Our quality of life will amount to nothing, if we have to deal with people at work, and experience this horrible stress and anxiety on a daily basis. Surely, there must be certain jobs that are suitable for us? I refuse to suffer like this!

I believe that the more you retreat from your fears, the worse they get. This is very true with OCD, that is for sure. The more you give into it, the worse it gets. It is a very real thing to experience.

Looking into my magic crystal ball, this is what I see when someone retreats from the anxiety of social contact in their job: They just develop constant anticipatory anxiety for the few times they need to have social contact or they simply retreat from life all together.

The secret is that it is actually the avoidance of fears that is making her panic. She is trying to not say the wrong thing or not look stupid.

I had severe SA to the point where I simply could not talk to people or get words out properly and constantly worried about every future social event. I now in fact find the social contact I have in jobs to be one of the best parts of the job. I am actively looking for customer-focused jobs as they keep my mind off my OCD. When I was in a job recently I even had to do relief reception work, it was scary but pretty cool actually! Of course I don't particularly like contact with managers.. but that is life.

 

[Andrew]

Dottie, the main things that get in my way are the lack of concentration, the repetitiveness which slows me down, and the inability to make decisions (which is the total opposite of how I am naturally).

A number of your posts mention people making fun of you. I am wondering if they actually are. When people have a certain belief about something, they tend to think they see or hear things that don't necessarily exist. I experienced the same thing as you where I thought I heard words in sentences or whatever that confirmed people were making fun of me. Looking back, I really don't think they were.

That is beyond the point though as when your thoughts change, you won't care too much about whether they are making fun of you or not. The reason you keep feeling anxious during your job is because you are spending all of your time dodging around your fears and because of your belief system.

I feel like you in terms of the managers judging your performance. I really hate that and find it difficult to work while I know they are sitting their monitoring how good I am. I once had a job that was really good in that way because it was just me and the customers for most of the time. I like jobs where there is a clear-cut standard rather than some kind of wishy-washy standard that is judged by someone. Either you do the job or you don't, that kind of thing.

 

[dottie]

exhausted. worried.

i need to be explicitly loved. i want someone to brush my face and tell me i am wonderful, awesome, beautiful, smart, blah blah blah and hold me. i want it without sarcasm or resentment or pity. i want it to be sincere. that is a lot to ask, i guess.

 

[dottie]

i am back. i don't talk about it with any friends or aquaintances. they do not need to see the depths of my weaknesses. this is the only place i can discuss my shames.

i think my employer is trying to get rid of me without technically firing me. i asked for a couple days off a month ago and have not been included on the schedule since. their excuse is that business is slow and they will call me when they need me. which i don't buy.

they hired several new people in december to help with the holiday rush. i have worked there since august. why do these newbies have priority on the schedule over me? there could be no other reason than that they are not impressed with my performance. i am a damn hard worker, my work ethic is excellent, but my social ineptitude overshadows any good qualities.

fake it 'til you make it? i have been trying. and it isn't convincing anyone.

now i am stuck looking for a new job where there are none. no one is hiring. i don't know what to do. i feel like a complete failure. i have turned into that 30 year old loser who is still living at home dependant on their parents. what shame.

i have many good qualities as an individual but all of them are useless in the real world. the skills that are important for survival in this world are the ones that i am lacking. it is humiliating.

 

[Andrew]

I am in the same situation. I feel like I can't compete with other people and am practically useless in the marketplace. I don't entirely think this is true but I worry that it is.

There are literally no jobs at the moment, it is really depressing me. I am trying as hard as I can to look for work but there are very few opportunities.

Whether it is true or not, I feel like there is no hope. I just watch as life passes me by. Everybody is having fun, renovating houses, going overseas, or even just going out. I don't enjoy life while I am at home. I don't even feel like I am living. I don't feel like I own anything.

 

[dottie]

flakeybark, thanks for your words of encouragement. maybe someday i will be able to utilize my skills. right now i feel pressured to take any job out of desperation for money. it's so true about feeling confident at home, then being slapped with your weakenesses when you go out the door. it happened today. i went to a job thing and i couldn't look anyone in the eye. i was so afraid. you could tell the guy who was talking to me was suspicious of me because of my bizarre (afraid, anti-eye contact) behavior. ugh. ugh gughughdhughsd.

andrew, i understand exactly how you are feeling. it's like people don't value you in the workplace so you don't feel valued as a human being. right now i don't feel like i deserve to spend money or have fun when i am living off of savings. i don't leave the house much because i don't want to waste gasoline (MONEY).

but yeah, i know just how you feel. living at home at 30 is looked upon as such a shameful thing. it is silly though. the people who are "on their own" usually:

a) are shacking up with their bf/gf/husband/wife
b) have 3 other roommates, or
4) got hooked up financially by parents/trust fund/a boss who took them under their wing and throws money at them.

i know people who have bosses who have bought them CARS. nice cars, too! i dunno. i guess #4 is a skill if their boss throws money at them. i know i am too socially inept to woo anyone enough to buy me a car. i am too socially inept to get anyone to like me as a person, in fact.

that is my problem. i don't know how to get people to like me. i don't know how to joke and relax. at my last job the owner of the restaurant randomly came up to me one time and said something along the lines of... "so it's everyone else." i was like, "what?" he's like, "you're quiet. if it's not you then it must be everyone else." ...like he was implying something was wrong with me, that i was a bitch? i'm not sure, i couldn't read his implication. it just made me feel very uneasy and on-the-spot. i told him that i am a very quiet person. he fake-laughed it off and said, "yeah, we are a loud bunch."

sorry i don't know how to joke.
sorry i am not talkative.
sorry i am afraid of people.
but i work hard. i am kind. i am polite. i do what i'm told. i try to stay out of peoples' way.
but you can't see that.
i'm not sure what you see but it's not good.

i'm so afraid of people. i am afraid they will unexpectedly lash out on me, accuse me of some wrong-doing, harm me, confront me in some way that i could not defend myself or even talk myself out of. because i am not very articulate face-to-face. i am always at a loss for words because i am afraid.

how to be strong? how to be just normal?

 

[dottie]

i'm feeling all sorts of losery today.

29, living at home, unemployed.

yesterday i went to an all day (painfully boring, asinine) class for just the possibility of being hired. when i get home my stepdad hands me a business card of someone he met. i'm like, "what's this?" he's like, "you're going to get a job with them." i asked if they are hiring and he said NO but to call anyway. he hasn't been on the job market in decades so i'm not so sure he is in touch with modern day hiring practices, not to mention the fact that 324982734 people are getting laid off. throwing a business card at someone doesn't mean you are hooked up with a job. he told me to contact this person, but what do i say beyond, "hey my stepdad gave me your card. you met last night. are you hiring?"

?????????????

they push flyers for job positions under my door so when i wake up i can be reminded of what a ****ing loser i am. yes i am applying for that position along with 32146234 other people that got laid off. thanks for reminding me I AM A LOSER.

 

[dottie]

the past couple of days i have been temping. i have had a headache for the last few hours. i rarely ever get a headache and if i do it is because of cheap wine. this is because of sensory overload with no break or escape. feel ill and don't want to go back. but i have to.

 

[gio289]

wow dottie, ur symptoms are EXACTLY what i go thru. I read every single post in this thread by u n it is xactly like me. Well im 19 gonna be 20 in july, but i live on my own. I've had SA ever since i can remember. I've always been overshadowed by my extremely popular freinds and i end up being the drag along. I worked at a store named dominoes that sold womens underwear (any other male kid would've been xtatic) but it was that constant interaction with people and the boss who was an a**hole by the way. Anyways The only reason im living on my own is that me and my parents CANNOT get along under the same roof. They have a totally messed up lease on life. they are the types of people that u write dramas about and people feel so sorry for the kids in the films and want to kick the parents ass. My grandmother left my sisters and I a sum of money to go to school and stuff when she died so im using that for school and living expenses. I'd say that staying at home may hamper you alot. it will be almost just as hard living on ur own but the only difference is that u dont have them breathing down ur neck all the time reminding u of ur downfalls. have you ever been on medication for ur SA? I was on but didnt see it working any so I stopped. But a few weeks ago i went on a peer counseling trip with people that I was supposed to form a close freindship with since september. it was supposed to be a fun trip but my SA kicked it into full gear and I almost committed suicide. At that same time my sister called me and I answered the phone. I dont even want to talk about what would have happened if she didnt call. Anyways the senior counselor persuaded me to go back on the medication and so i did. Its like the 6th day and I can small differences in my thinking. Im on Paxil right now. have u thougt of seeing a counselor so that they could prescribe u?

 

[dottie]

hi gio, i'm sorry you feel so down. i hope you feel better. i was heavily medicated many years ago. tried many different things. can't say it helped. i'm still the same person with the same challenges. medication seems to be a band aid. it seems like something that can be useful in severe situations for short term but it is not a cure- at least for depression. i hope paxil can help you get back on your feet again.

 

[gio289]

Yeah thanx alot me too. lol, i like ur venting thread

 

[dottie]

thanks! i consider deleting all of the posts in this thread because i feel pretty exposed and i don't want to seem like an attention whore here. that wasn't my intention, i just needed one safe place in the world where i can be honest/pathetic/self centered. glad you like it, though!

 

[gio289]

Nah i dont think u shud delete em. think its a reminder to ppl that other ppl go thru wat they go thru n they dont have to be alone. Or it cud be a wake up to ppl that dont have it as bad and help them know that ppl have much worse problems than they do. N besides, if anybody tries to get testy, jus send me a message and we'll double team em. lol