This morning I went shopping with my parents as usual. Had an agenda of items to work on. But my social motivation (and therefore performance) went from medium to ultra low throughout the day. I find myself not wanting to interact with people, unless they interact with me first.
It is also today that I realize I am a true-blooded introvert. I remember going to Toastmasters and having a good time (not devoid of anxiety of course), so this fooled me into thinking I might be an extrovert, or perhaps an ambivert. First, I don't automatically gain energy from being around people, though certain types of people could energize me. Today, I feel as listless as a zombie. I'm serious when I say that just passing by people or even looking at them depletes me of energy. As an introvert, I spend a lot of mental energy on people. I preoccupy myself with whether I look normal, how do I walk past people normally without looking like I hate them, how do I avoid staring or looking like I gave people the "eye", etc etc.
Yesterday, I also had a bad day (woke up starving to begin with), and today I feel like I'm taking a test or at least taking part in an experiment. Tests are stressful, as we all know. In the past, I made sure I pass tests with flying colors. Now, I wonder what happens when I fail. So, at the end of the day, we were at the cashier's. I was ready to say something to the cashier, but then he didn't say anything and looked like he was pissed off, so in the end I didn't say anything. Thoughts started going through my head. "Should I say hi? Should I not? Why should I when I'm not in the mood? Should I make an effort?" For some reason, I just decided not to. Then I was overtaken by a negativity. I just didn't feel like saying anything to people, unless they say something to me of course then I have to respond. I left the store in a negative mood. Honestly, it does feel like a test. I just don't want everything in life to be a test. I want to take it easy.
You are probably wondering if I am arrogant because of my silence right? This is one of the ways many introverts and social phobics are misunderstood. Their silence is taken for arrogance/holier than though attitude. Extraverts just don't understand. Being quiet is my default attitude/response to people. It takes a lot of effort, stamina, and mental encouragement to propel me to talk to people, especially strangers. The more threatening-looking the stranger, the harder it is. Silence isn't a problem for me, in fact I've had cashiers who barely looked at me and not say anything. Do I get angry at them? Of course not. Do I think they are putting on airs? Definitely not. This world is run by those who speak the loudest, extraverts of course, and they make the rules for the rest of society. Some of those mental shortcuts harbored by society include "silence = arrogance".
So, I was reflecting about this topic when I was in the supermarket. I realized how much energy it took for me to approach people, and how I tend to overthink social interactions. Compare this to an extravert who gets energy by being around people. The meeting I had at Toastmasters was already draining on me. I came home feeling so dead tired by the end of the day.
