Just a loser...

[just-me]

Every day i wake up knowing that i'm just a loser in life. For certain reasons i can't see anything with my left eye and for as long as i can remember my eye has been closed.. guess u can say i'm half blind. For this reason i was bullied in high school. It made me feel completely depressed and stupid.. all my life went down. So i decided to move to another school and unexpectedly i got some 'friends'. All was going well until a popular girl came to me and asked for my name... i turned back to answer and could notice she was smiling so friendly but in the moment she noticed my closed eye her face totally changed, i told her my name and her answer was 'ah.. ok', then she walked away from me. This made me upset and my SA became noticeable.

I distanced myself from everyone... even if some girls told me i was handsome, even if some friends invited me to go out, even if some people trusted me their deepest secrets.. i can't forget the guys shouting kill yourself.

I think everything i say/write/think is stupid, maybe they were right and i'm just a filthy trash... and everybody would be better without me around. No one cares about me and i force myself to believe that i don't need anyone, but deep inside i really need a true friend... someone i can tell how i really feel without thinking i'm weak. But i'm starting to believe that he/she doesn't exist and i'll be alone forever.

 

[MikeyC]

but deep inside i really need a true friend.

Sounds like you had those people:

even if some girls told me i was handsome, even if some friends invited me to go out, even if some people trusted me their deepest secrets.

From that sentence, people do care about you. Your perception of yourself isn't rational, and unfortunately bullying sticks like napalm to us. We remember the bad fondly but dismiss the good.

 

[Steiner]

Maybe you can wear an eye patch if its that much of a bother to your life. For me when I go out in public I always wear my trusty hat with the big *** brim on it. It gives me a place to hide and helps me feel secure.

 

[sahxox]

No this is terrible thinking!! I always thought I was a loser throughout High School because maybe once a year some 'popular' kid would do or say something mean. You've admitted to disregarding the nice things - when girls call you handsome or being invited out with the guys - but this is way more important! It took me ages to realise that everyone else is just as insecure! Seriously though, from a rational point of view, why let one encounter outweigh the rest? It sounds like you may have over-reacted to that girl's reaction. Who cares? I used to always cling to other people's negativity and misinterpret and dwell on it for ages. Realise it for what it is - nothing. Best thing I learnt was no-one else gives a shit about me... as in no-one who didn't matter, like the people who are making you feel miserable. The people who are inviting you out obviously do care about you or they would not bother. Clearly the only one thinking you are a loser is you. Just try to believe that you're not, because the only time you really are a loser is when you think you are one. You can come back from this, changing thinking one day at a time. It's tough but well worth it in the long run. All the best. If you ever need to chat or vent to someone, you can message me.

 

[jc972]

Don't think like that. Lots of people have physical problems but that don't mean the're a loser. People can act in hideous ways when they see someone who's a little different. They are the losers, man. :thumbup: Do you still have your friends from the other school?

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Awww you're a pirate! You should get a boat and go sail the seas

Don't let bullies have such a huge impact on your life. They are the stupid ones. From what you're saying it sounds like you do have people who cares about you, focus on them...

 

[planemo]

So what makes people like me and you losers? the fact that we have physical characteristics that others find unappealing? or is it something deeper?
what i can never understand is why people more fortunate look down on others less fortunate. it's not like they earned "beautiful" physical characteristics, nor did we earn "ugly" ones. what if we were born in a world where the tables were turned and the beautiful people were considered ugly?

when people make value judgments of you based on physical flaws you begin to believe that you're a loser, just as i did over the years. i mean winners don't get burdened with such stuff right?

i'm sorry you feel this way, and believe me i know how it feels. i can't imagine how tough being blind in one eye must feel, but in other ways i'm pretty "unlucky" myself.

what people like us need to understand is that we're more than what we've inherited. just like those who inherited good qualities can't be praised for it, we can't be demeaned for having the opposite. if people are too stupid to realise this, then it's their problem not yours.

we label ourselves as losers since we use others value judgements as the ultimate criteria. but it doesn't have to be this way. i must admit i still to this day struggle with self esteem and body image issues, as it's not an easy cycle to break free from. but there are people who look past these things, and the important thing is to find them, and disregard those who don't. it's not always easy, and i know the personal torment it brings.

sometimes you feel like "well, even if one person views me as negative, then it's one person too many so why bother?". i know this feeling too. but keep strong, who knows maybe we're the real winners since we actually get real tests in life to overcome.

 

[Steelsoul]

I think what the girl did has made a bad impact on you. But don't pay attention. There are many girls who say you're handsome. So why should you care about her, the one who didn't like how you look? Oh and you should wear an eye patch, i think you'll look cooler with it

 

[Amitush123]

You only a loser if you think you are a loser,
Many people think the are alone, while they can be together and enjoy
I think you should, as hard as it might be, make an effort to find some of these people

 

[OceanMist]

Sounds like you are young (not a bad thing). Luckily the older your peers get, the less judgmental they will become about your eye. I think you are just having to deal with lack of maturity from those kids, I wouldn't worry about it.

Also, as you age, you'll find how meaningless people are that make fun of others. They will go their way, and you will go yours. There are hundreds of people around you, some will like you, some won't. Try to surround yourself with those that do like you.

 

[jaim38]

Also, as you age, you'll find how meaningless people are that make fun of others. They will go their way, and you will go yours. There are hundreds of people around you, some will like you, some won't. Try to surround yourself with those that do like you.

Wise words! Don't waste your time trying to please people who never liked you from the start. They're not worth it. Like oceanmist said put effort into maintaining relationships with those who do like you.

 

[just-me]

Ty for your answers guys unfortunatelly i think i used wrong the word 'friends' in my post.. they all are just acquaintances. I can't share my thoughts with them, just shallow things.

Awww you're a pirate! You should get a boat and go sail the seas

If u had told me that two years ago.. seriously i'd be thinking about suicide. Now it's kinda funny.

And i'm not sure about the eyepatch, if i wear one i'll get a lot of unwanted attention and i don't like people to look at me.. so, maybe it'd be worse.

Sorry for not answering to all of you, but i read all your replies and they made me feel a little bit better. Even though most of you can't understand me so much, you're trying to cheer me on and i appreciate it. I still feel lonely... guess it can't be helped.

 

[Amitush123]

Ty for your answers guys unfortunatelly i think i used wrong the word 'friends' in my post.. they all are just acquaintances. I can't share my thoughts with them, just shallow things.


If u had told me that two years ago.. seriously i'd be thinking about suicide. Now it's kinda funny.

And i'm not sure about the eyepatch, if i wear one i'll get a lot of unwanted attention and i don't like people to look at me.. so, maybe it'd be worse.

Sorry for not answering to all of you, but i read all your replies and they made me feel a little bit better. Even though most of you can't understand me so much, you're trying to cheer me on and i appreciate it. I still feel lonely... guess it can't be helped.

Get an eyepatch! please! so we can all call you patchy!
Or if you're a hipster, call it the I-patch

 

[MikeyC]

And i'm not sure about the eyepatch, if i wear one i'll get a lot of unwanted attention and i don't like people to look at me.. so, maybe it'd be worse.

How about sunglasses?

Get an eyepatch! please! so we can all call you patchy!
Or if you're a hipster, call it the I-patch

*slow clap* Bravo.

 

[Richey]

You only a loser if you think you are a loser,
Many people think the are alone, while they can be together and enjoy
I think you should, as hard as it might be, make an effort to find some of these people

It's more complex then that. Even though you are right! The person will feel more like the life they have endured, then the simple philosophy of "I am a happy person". Instead they will form the self image of how others reacted to them and also how the person believes they have succeeded or failed at things. Everything forms that built self image.

Just say you have two people, the first one grows up and has a normal time at high school, with friends, still keeps their confidence levels, completes a course, starts a career, is successful etc.

the second person is bullied, is told by people they are useless, is generally abused, mainly verbally. Has flat confidence in high school, becomes avoidant. Is indecisive. Still gets work, but not really a career.

conclusion: Environment, Situation, Psychology, Personality, Physical looks, all combined can guide how a person turns out. Practiced each day for years. This is complex and situational.

It is a sad truth, I wish it was simpler. It can be fixed, but only with repetition practiced daily, and for large chunks of each day. It isn't something that will be fixed with a quick fix method.

When I say Environment, it is sort of like a unique dimension. Just say a person lives in The city, with different people instead of living in the country with different people, different mentors, different surroundings. This can create two different personalities of the same person.