Job search anxiety-avoidance-procrastination-regret

[mrhope2011]

Hi everyone,

I'm glad to have joined the forum today.

Although I haven't come across a topic like this, I wonder if there are people who have experienced this vicious cycle.

I know AVPD is recognised as a psychiatric condition but I feel guilty for 'having it'.

It is something which I feel is not totally out of our control.

Doesn't guilt and regret come naturally with avoidance?


Right now I feel slightly overwhelmed with negative emotions and feel the need to let it out.

This is my situation at the moment -

I have a degree in engineering and I graduated in Dec 2009.I actually dreaded graduation and my future in general.

Like everyone else I should have shown urgency and busied myself with job applications straightaway.Infact I should have been prepared for it much
earlier than graduation. But I did not have a plan and was terrified of the unknown.

I was fearful of being on my own and being responsible for my life.

My lack of goals were soon replaced with fear and I quickly went in avoidant mode.

If relatives and friends inquired about me, I would panic and answer that I am doing okay.I resisted their efforts to help me when they asked me to send my resume to them.

My fear and avoidance stems from the feeling of "how would survive if I get a job" and not from "would I ever get a job".

The only consolation was that I volunteered to work on a project for a professor in my department on a part time basis.It was a activity which was less risk and there wasn't a lot expected from me.

Despite my avoidance,last year a friend set me up for a phone interview in a company.

Although I panicked, I realised that it was a great opportunity for me to make a change as the situation was unavoidable.

I had to give the interview. So I frantically crammed through whatever I could come across.I was asked simple straight forward questions but I still hemmed and hawed and could not remember much of what I had read.

I remember that I was really disorganised, mentally cluttered and had lots of paper at hand.Even though it was a phone conversation I felt very embarrassed that I could not answer a simple question and I could not wait for the interview to end.

I felt horrible.

So eventually avoidance led to procrastination and I can't believe that it is October already and almost close to 2 years since I graduated.

Time has flown by so fast.I'm 27 now and I haven't had a full time job.

I'm really finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I have done very little in the last 2 years.

I feel regretful and foolish that I have let myself down as well as my family down.

Sometimes I'm really scared about the fact that I don't really know what I want in life.

There was a time when I craved for friendships and pursued them a lot but even that resulted in disappointment.

I have never been in a relationship as well but my avoidance has made me sort of 'emotionally numb' in this aspect.

Looking back over the years, I just feel that I have avoided many things so far and was forced to confront until the situation was unavoidable.

I sometimes wish I was invisible.I sometimes wonder about who I am and what I am doing on this planet.

I have felt like this for quite some time.

I know there are some of you who are facing these problems as a result of difficult childhoods or traumatic experiences...but when you haven't really faced trouble in your life like me...it makes me even more guilty.

So if any of you have experienced such issues, how have you dealt with it?

How do you make peace with yourself?

Do you make yourself feel better by thinking that the situation didn't get worse?

Do you just accept that anxiety and avoidance are a part of our life and that there is no point in being guilty about it?

Do you accept that life isn't going to be 'perfect' and that these are just the stepping stones in life?


I know this avoiding and lying to myself must stop soon as it would only make matters worse but I'm finding it difficult to get rid of this feeling and move on.

However, I am slowly taking baby steps come overcome this and make a change.

Anyways,it feels good to vent where you know you'll be understood.

I'll surely post more often when I can.

Thanks for reading my long post.Looking forward to your replies.

 

[Silatuyok]

Hey MrHope, welcome to the forum!
I think a lot, if not all of what you described is very relatable to all of us here on the forum.
Social anxiety and avoidance aren't necessarily things that are brought on by childhood trauma; you shouldn't feel guilty for having had a good life and still suffer from your anxiety---it can happen to anyone, regardless of their background. But I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with it.

You said you are unsure of what direction you want to take in life---are you still wanting to get a job in engineering? Have you tried working in a different field, to see if maybe some other career would suit you better?

My whole approach to my issues with social anxiety is a mixture of acceptance, adaptation, and self-challenge. I know there are things I will never be or be able to do or even want to do, for that matter. I'm cool with that. I am adapting my life to accommodate my needs as far as solitude, privacy, routine, etc. are concerned. But I am always challenging myself to take those tiny steps forward, like you described.

It sounds like you are making a lot of positive decisions lately. Expressing your worries on the forum is a good start, and getting to know all of us and our challenges is even better! You need to be honest with yourself about being unhappy/depressed/or whatever. And it would be best if you could open up to your family about this as well. From what you said it sounds like you have some sort of support system among your relatives and friends---use that.

Life isn't going to be perfect for us; because life isn't perfect for anyone. It's hard and it sucks but it doesn't mean we can't find a decent amount of happiness and find a way to be content. We just have to figure out how.

 

[elek2ronik]

Hey mrhope, welcome to the message board! I'm glad you found it, and are able to share some of your feelings and your situation with us.

I immediately can relate to you, also being in the engineering field (civil with an emphasis in transportation and materials). It's a difficult process of education, and when you're finished, you soon realize that the field of work is very broad and you can easily lose your sense of direction.

I understand most of the issues you described. I've gone through the same situations regarding friendships and relationships. I'm 31 now, but during the ages of probably 19-26 were my worst years.

I had never been in a real relationship, and all of my friends were merely acquaintances. It wasn't until I realized that I was dealing with social phobia, and that it was a very real disorder, that I slowly started to be able to accept the way I am, and take a positive step towards dealing with it.

Acceptance is a huge and important step. It doesn't mean that you accept the way you are, and that you can't change. It means that you accept the way you are, and now you can start working to manage it and take the steps in life that you want to.

All I can say is trust your instinct when you are presented with an opportunity to do something out of your comfort zone. It can be a new job offer, or even a simple job interview like you mentioned above. When you do something that you thought you could never do, you realize that you Do have the capability to slowly overcome your fears and avoidance.

So it's been about 5 years since I started to accept myself, and since then I've been able to confidently start my career. Having a job allowed me to be independent. Independence gave me confidence to meet new people and open up to them. I've been in a few serious relationships, and each one has taught me many things about myself and other people. They didn't work out, but that's a whole different thread topic haha!

I'm not cured and I don't think I, or you, will ever be. BUT Trust me that it can get better and acceptance and love for yourself is a big step.

 

[Necrucifer]

Hello there and welcome

Well I never took courses for anything yet...been trying to find a suitable place online to do so...I may want to do it publicly though as a result to maybe help me get over my SA...I never graduated HS either but got my GED...so I guess I can relate a little bit...?

I have only had 2 jobs since I was 19...both of them only 3 monthes but other than that I can get interviews but they never think I am serious that or they hire someone more qualified...It makes me mad a bit how am I gonna be more qualified if I dont have practice...? It seems all jobs want someone who is better or has some skill and it does make me a bit upset.

I have had problems before in interviews where they would ask me something I would be honest and of course I would be wrong...let alone I have had one where I couldnt answer a single question before so yea that does feel awkward and just want to get it over with...

I feel guilty about my anxiety for half the things I try to do and I dont blame it on that though I blame it on myself but I usually feel alot better once its over with like a weight lifted off my shoulders...Life isnt going to be perfect...just keep trying it works eventually...does for me lol...my jobs are 2 years apart it took me a few in between to try and get just to get the last one I had I am unemployed now but hope this helps a bit haha...

 

[mrhope2011]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for your replies.

It really makes me feel much better now.

 

[Acegame]

Wow, I'm in almost the same situation. I can relate allot to what you've just written. I'm also 27 years old and i graduated 2 years ago. The only difference with your story is that i graduated in a different field and i had a temporary job for 6 months and 2 full time internships during my study. But everything else is about the same.

Like you it was untill a few weeks after i got my degree that i started looking at job applications. Then i realised that i didn't like anything i saw and don't know what i want. I've always been scared for what was next and procrastinated making decisions about my future. Actually the same thing happend at the end of high school but my parents were there so i was sort of forced to make decisions.

I have no idea what to do with my life. I know i have to work to be able to live. Thats the only certainty i have. But i don't know what i want to do or where i want to live. I feel that making any decision is better than making none at all, but somehow i just can't. I can't motivate myself to search, probably untill all my savings are dried up.

I'm not affraid of getting a job either. In fact i had one a few months after i graduated. But i'm affraid of having one. Eventhough i have a degree i feel that because of my AVPD and being isolated for a couple of years i'm far from adequate for almost any job. Even below my level of education. My past job experiences have taught me that its very hard for me to function in an environment that i feel very uncomfortable in and where i can't blend in with my colleagues.

I also feel very guitly for being so avoident and lazy. Especially towards my parents. They gave me every chance. Chances some people will never get. Like you i didn't have a difficult childhood or traumatic experiences. People try to help me but I keep refusing help. I really need help, but i don't know how i want to be helped. I'm not sure there is any. Sometimes I feel this is something i need figure out myself.

Also i'm not sure if i want to have a social life and all the obligations that come with it. I always thought i wanted that because when i was younger i had friends and i have good memories of that. But those where in my childhood. Adult friendships are different and i'm not sure i like those. So lately i'm starting to have doubts about that as well. But its hard for me to tell if this is my anxiety talking or not. I just don't know. It's hard to fight for something you don't know you want. Thats something i'm struggling with the most.

I'm sorry, i can't help you with this. I can just relate because i'm in the middle of it as well. I hope you'll be able to get through this difficult stage. Welcome to the forum

 

[mrhope2011]

Wow, I'm in almost the same situation. I can relate allot to what you've just written. I'm also 27 years old and i graduated 2 years ago. The only difference with your story is that i graduated in a different field and i had a temporary job for 6 months and 2 full time internships during my study. But everything else is about the same.

Like you it was untill a few weeks after i got my degree that i started looking at job applications. Then i realised that i didn't like anything i saw and don't know what i want. I've always been scared for what was next and procrastinated making decisions about my future. Actually the same thing happend at the end of high school but my parents were there so i was sort of forced to make decisions.

I have no idea what to do with my life. I know i have to work to be able to live. Thats the only certainty i have. But i don't know what i want to do or where i want to live. I feel that making any decision is better than making none at all, but somehow i just can't. I can't motivate myself to search, probably untill all my savings are dried up.

I'm not affraid of getting a job either. In fact i had one a few months after i graduated. But i'm affraid of having one. Eventhough i have a degree i feel that because of my AVPD and being isolated for a couple of years i'm far from adequate for almost any job. Even below my level of education. My past job experiences have taught me that its very hard for me to function in an environment that i feel very uncomfortable in and where i can't blend in with my colleagues.

I also feel very guitly for being so avoident and lazy. Especially towards my parents. They gave me every chance. Chances some people will never get. Like you i didn't have a difficult childhood or traumatic experiences. People try to help me but I keep refusing help. I really need help, but i don't know how i want to be helped. I'm not sure there is any. Sometimes I feel this is something i need figure out myself.

Also i'm not sure if i want to have a social life and all the obligations that come with it. I always thought i wanted that because when i was younger i had friends and i have good memories of that. But those where in my childhood. Adult friendships are different and i'm not sure i like those. So lately i'm starting to have doubts about that as well. But its hard for me to tell if this is my anxiety talking or not. I just don't know. It's hard to fight for something you don't know you want. Thats something i'm struggling with the most.

I'm sorry, i can't help you with this. I can just relate because i'm in the middle of it as well. I hope you'll be able to get through this difficult stage. Welcome to the forum

Hey Acegame..even though our problems are fairly similar, I think you were able to write a few things more which were at the back of my mind and didn't think about when writing my post.

I think I worry about work relationships as well...I don't want to come across as blunt but I don't know what to say which would not be awkward.

Apart from the SA, I think I am worried about how my performance would measure up to other coworkers and bosses.I think I always have to do the right thing and can't afford to mess up.

Good for you that you have had some work experience...at least you have something to build upon.

I think for me, avoidance is like 'dormant' anxiety or fear. In the past 2 years I think I just tricked myself into thinking that 'oh everything would be okay tomorrow'.

I didn't actually feel the anxiety or fear all the time..its like my avoidant behavior took care of it. I would feel the anxiety though if someone whom I knew would contact me.

Most of the time I really did not know what exactly I was fearing...so my thoughts were pushed deep into my subconscious.

The think the mind is so used to a routine that the fear of change makes us anxious more than anything.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

i can relate to your situation and the things you wrote about very well

sadly for quite a bit longer than you have - the time flies doesn't it?

i never knew what the problem really was until recently - working on it now

How do you make peace with yourself?

i haven't been able to make peace with myself for 40 years

i'm working on that, too

 

[Section_31]

Im still not at peace with myself. I landed a good job with just blind luck, and i dont think i could do it again if my life depended on it.

Dont give up. Stick to the fight, as hard as that may be. You WILL succeed friend.

 

[mrhope2011]

Hello there and welcome

Well I never took courses for anything yet...been trying to find a suitable place online to do so...I may want to do it publicly though as a result to maybe help me get over my SA...I never graduated HS either but got my GED...so I guess I can relate a little bit...?

I have only had 2 jobs since I was 19...both of them only 3 monthes but other than that I can get interviews but they never think I am serious that or they hire someone more qualified...It makes me mad a bit how am I gonna be more qualified if I dont have practice...? It seems all jobs want someone who is better or has some skill and it does make me a bit upset.

I have had problems before in interviews where they would ask me something I would be honest and of course I would be wrong...let alone I have had one where I couldnt answer a single question before so yea that does feel awkward and just want to get it over with...

I feel guilty about my anxiety for half the things I try to do and I dont blame it on that though I blame it on myself but I usually feel alot better once its over with like a weight lifted off my shoulders...Life isnt going to be perfect...just keep trying it works eventually...does for me lol...my jobs are 2 years apart it took me a few in between to try and get just to get the last one I had I am unemployed now but hope this helps a bit haha...

Hey Necrucifier,

I think I had read one of your posts when I was browsing the forum...where you mentioned that you have a fear of driving and that you don't have a license...I couldn't find that exact thread in which you had posted that...

I sort of have a fear of driving too...I did not learn to drive until 2-3 years ago. I did not own a car, but my roommate at that time offered to teach me a bit.

I did have a few nervous moments at the beginning when I started off but got used to it...eventually I did get my license.I actually haven't driven for about a year and I have a fear of getting 'lost' while driving.

I haven't driven a lot on freeways as well.

I still don't own a car and I am not too eager to buy one but would soon have to when I get a job...I think I am fearful of being responsible for it.

If you get an opportunity, try it out when there is no one around..probably at night.

Are you searching for a job or 'avoiding' a job like me?
Looks like for us the fear of change is stronger than a desire to get what we want.

 

[mrhope2011]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

i can relate to your situation and the things you wrote about very well

sadly for quite a bit longer than you have - the time flies doesn't it?

i never knew what the problem really was until recently - working on it now



i haven't been able to make peace with myself for 40 years

i'm working on that, too

Im still not at peace with myself. I landed a good job with just blind luck, and i dont think i could do it again if my life depended on it.

Dont give up. Stick to the fight, as hard as that may be. You WILL succeed friend.

Hey mrhope, welcome to the message board! I'm glad you found it, and are able to share some of your feelings and your situation with us.

I immediately can relate to you, also being in the engineering field (civil with an emphasis in transportation and materials). It's a difficult process of education, and when you're finished, you soon realize that the field of work is very broad and you can easily lose your sense of direction.

I understand most of the issues you described. I've gone through the same situations regarding friendships and relationships. I'm 31 now, but during the ages of probably 19-26 were my worst years.

I had never been in a real relationship, and all of my friends were merely acquaintances. It wasn't until I realized that I was dealing with social phobia, and that it was a very real disorder, that I slowly started to be able to accept the way I am, and take a positive step towards dealing with it.

Acceptance is a huge and important step. It doesn't mean that you accept the way you are, and that you can't change. It means that you accept the way you are, and now you can start working to manage it and take the steps in life that you want to.

All I can say is trust your instinct when you are presented with an opportunity to do something out of your comfort zone. It can be a new job offer, or even a simple job interview like you mentioned above. When you do something that you thought you could never do, you realize that you Do have the capability to slowly overcome your fears and avoidance.

So it's been about 5 years since I started to accept myself, and since then I've been able to confidently start my career. Having a job allowed me to be independent. Independence gave me confidence to meet new people and open up to them. I've been in a few serious relationships, and each one has taught me many things about myself and other people. They didn't work out, but that's a whole different thread topic haha!

I'm not cured and I don't think I, or you, will ever be. BUT Trust me that it can get better and acceptance and love for yourself is a big step.

Hey MrHope, welcome to the forum!
I think a lot, if not all of what you described is very relatable to all of us here on the forum.
Social anxiety and avoidance aren't necessarily things that are brought on by childhood trauma; you shouldn't feel guilty for having had a good life and still suffer from your anxiety---it can happen to anyone, regardless of their background. But I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with it.

You said you are unsure of what direction you want to take in life---are you still wanting to get a job in engineering? Have you tried working in a different field, to see if maybe some other career would suit you better?

My whole approach to my issues with social anxiety is a mixture of acceptance, adaptation, and self-challenge. I know there are things I will never be or be able to do or even want to do, for that matter. I'm cool with that. I am adapting my life to accommodate my needs as far as solitude, privacy, routine, etc. are concerned. But I am always challenging myself to take those tiny steps forward, like you described.

It sounds like you are making a lot of positive decisions lately. Expressing your worries on the forum is a good start, and getting to know all of us and our challenges is even better! You need to be honest with yourself about being unhappy/depressed/or whatever. And it would be best if you could open up to your family about this as well. From what you said it sounds like you have some sort of support system among your relatives and friends---use that.

Life isn't going to be perfect for us; because life isn't perfect for anyone. It's hard and it sucks but it doesn't mean we can't find a decent amount of happiness and find a way to be content. We just have to figure out how.

For people like us, we have to fight our mind constantly.

Right now, regret and guilt are the more dominant feelings and I would do anything to go back in time...I feel this need to make up for lost time..even though I won't get it back now.

Its like everyday I feel that I am racing with time and I want time to stop for sometime.

I guess just like ele2ronik and marie said, acceptance and forgiveness would probably be the key to freeing myself from these thoughts.

 

[Aletheia]

My situation is a little different, partly because I'm older, partly because I did manage to start a career, I just couldn't sustain it. But there are aspects of your story I relate to so much: the guilt, the lack of goals, the fear of interviews, the resistance to being helped, the uncertainty about who I actually am.

Looks like for us the fear of change is stronger than a desire to get what we want.

I am more fearful of failure than I am hopeful of success. It doesn't help that I've no idea what it is I want to get.

 

[Aletheia]

I also feel very guitly for being so avoident and lazy. Especially towards my parents. They gave me every chance. Chances some people will never get.

I have had some fantastic opportunities that I was too afraid or too clueless to take up. I was dealt a good hand in life, and I've completely squandered it. One of the few times I've cried in therapy was when talking about how much I've disappointed my parents.

 

[OceanMist]

It sounds like you have similar problems to me. In the past few years I realized that I'm not lazy, i'm just scared and uncomfortable around people.

I'm avoiding full time work because of shyness, not because I just want to sit on my butt.

 

[mrhope2011]

My situation is a little different, partly because I'm older, partly because I did manage to start a career, I just couldn't sustain it. But there are aspects of your story I relate to so much: the guilt, the lack of goals, the fear of interviews, the resistance to being helped, the uncertainty about who I actually am.



I am more fearful of failure than I am hopeful of success. It doesn't help that I've no idea what it is I want to get.

I have had some fantastic opportunities that I was too afraid or too clueless to take up. I was dealt a good hand in life, and I've completely squandered it. One of the few times I've cried in therapy was when talking about how much I've disappointed my parents.

Hi Aletheia

I wasn't expecting any one to follow up on this thread.

It's a good thing that you let your feelings out. It is comforting for me as well to know that there are people who are facing similar problems.

I am still in the process of letting go of the regret. There really isn't much we can do about our past actions now and holding on to it would make us feel worse.

I do feel those bad feelings sometimes but it feels like my mind is fed up of thinking those thoughts again.

Subconsciously we are constantly comparing our situation to that of the people we know and of the society in general. This gives way to the feeling that we are not 'normal' and that we are lacking in something which we should have but we are not able to get.

I still feel that I am supposed to catch up with my friends who are living a 'normal life'.

There is a nagging feeling we get that we should be doing what other people are doing.

Needless to say this results in self criticism, self hate and self defeating thoughts because we can't measure up to ' the normal life' of other people.

This feeling of time going by only make us feel worse.

We become our own worst enemy because we are not able to accept our feelings and thoughts. Our mind is constantly trying to make us feel guilty because we didn't do the "right" thing to begin with.

I feel that the only way to overcome this and sort of 'make up for the past' is to accept the past and forgive ourselves.

We have to accept that the past is how is was meant to be.

Accept the fact that we are/were scared of life and we need guidance and soul searching to move on ahead.

There is nothing 'wrong' or 'right' in life. We just make certain decisions which we feel that it was the 'right' one to make at that time.

My feelings of aimlessness and lack of ambition is something that I am afraid of at the moment. Life seems like a chore and a rat race sometimes.

However, I am also making a habit now to think good thoughts and feel good feelings about the present and future. That is the only real way to escape from our current situation.

We have to reaffirm to ourselves that we are safe and the Universe is always there to help us to get what we want.

I also watched the movie 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay ( you can watch it on youtube) and I am reading the book called 'The Secret'. There is also a movie called ' The Secret' which can be found on youtube.

It made me feel a lot better.

 

[mrhope2011]

It sounds like you have similar problems to me. In the past few years I realized that I'm not lazy, i'm just scared and uncomfortable around people.

I'm avoiding full time work because of shyness, not because I just want to sit on my butt.

Hey OceanMist..I missed out on quoting you while replying to Aleathia.