mrhope2011
Member
Hi everyone,
I'm glad to have joined the forum today.
Although I haven't come across a topic like this, I wonder if there are people who have experienced this vicious cycle.
I know AVPD is recognised as a psychiatric condition but I feel guilty for 'having it'.
It is something which I feel is not totally out of our control.
Doesn't guilt and regret come naturally with avoidance?
Right now I feel slightly overwhelmed with negative emotions and feel the need to let it out.
This is my situation at the moment -
I have a degree in engineering and I graduated in Dec 2009.I actually dreaded graduation and my future in general.
Like everyone else I should have shown urgency and busied myself with job applications straightaway.Infact I should have been prepared for it much
earlier than graduation. But I did not have a plan and was terrified of the unknown.
I was fearful of being on my own and being responsible for my life.
My lack of goals were soon replaced with fear and I quickly went in avoidant mode.
If relatives and friends inquired about me, I would panic and answer that I am doing okay.I resisted their efforts to help me when they asked me to send my resume to them.
My fear and avoidance stems from the feeling of "how would survive if I get a job" and not from "would I ever get a job".
The only consolation was that I volunteered to work on a project for a professor in my department on a part time basis.It was a activity which was less risk and there wasn't a lot expected from me.
Despite my avoidance,last year a friend set me up for a phone interview in a company.
Although I panicked, I realised that it was a great opportunity for me to make a change as the situation was unavoidable.
I had to give the interview. So I frantically crammed through whatever I could come across.I was asked simple straight forward questions but I still hemmed and hawed and could not remember much of what I had read.
I remember that I was really disorganised, mentally cluttered and had lots of paper at hand.Even though it was a phone conversation I felt very embarrassed that I could not answer a simple question and I could not wait for the interview to end.
I felt horrible.
So eventually avoidance led to procrastination and I can't believe that it is October already and almost close to 2 years since I graduated.
Time has flown by so fast.I'm 27 now and I haven't had a full time job.
I'm really finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I have done very little in the last 2 years.
I feel regretful and foolish that I have let myself down as well as my family down.
Sometimes I'm really scared about the fact that I don't really know what I want in life.
There was a time when I craved for friendships and pursued them a lot but even that resulted in disappointment.
I have never been in a relationship as well but my avoidance has made me sort of 'emotionally numb' in this aspect.
Looking back over the years, I just feel that I have avoided many things so far and was forced to confront until the situation was unavoidable.
I sometimes wish I was invisible.I sometimes wonder about who I am and what I am doing on this planet.
I have felt like this for quite some time.
I know there are some of you who are facing these problems as a result of difficult childhoods or traumatic experiences...but when you haven't really faced trouble in your life like me...it makes me even more guilty.
So if any of you have experienced such issues, how have you dealt with it?
How do you make peace with yourself?
Do you make yourself feel better by thinking that the situation didn't get worse?
Do you just accept that anxiety and avoidance are a part of our life and that there is no point in being guilty about it?
Do you accept that life isn't going to be 'perfect' and that these are just the stepping stones in life?
I know this avoiding and lying to myself must stop soon as it would only make matters worse but I'm finding it difficult to get rid of this feeling and move on.
However, I am slowly taking baby steps come overcome this and make a change.
Anyways,it feels good to vent where you know you'll be understood.
I'll surely post more often when I can.
Thanks for reading my long post.Looking forward to your replies.
I'm glad to have joined the forum today.
Although I haven't come across a topic like this, I wonder if there are people who have experienced this vicious cycle.
I know AVPD is recognised as a psychiatric condition but I feel guilty for 'having it'.
It is something which I feel is not totally out of our control.
Doesn't guilt and regret come naturally with avoidance?
Right now I feel slightly overwhelmed with negative emotions and feel the need to let it out.
This is my situation at the moment -
I have a degree in engineering and I graduated in Dec 2009.I actually dreaded graduation and my future in general.
Like everyone else I should have shown urgency and busied myself with job applications straightaway.Infact I should have been prepared for it much
earlier than graduation. But I did not have a plan and was terrified of the unknown.
I was fearful of being on my own and being responsible for my life.
My lack of goals were soon replaced with fear and I quickly went in avoidant mode.
If relatives and friends inquired about me, I would panic and answer that I am doing okay.I resisted their efforts to help me when they asked me to send my resume to them.
My fear and avoidance stems from the feeling of "how would survive if I get a job" and not from "would I ever get a job".
The only consolation was that I volunteered to work on a project for a professor in my department on a part time basis.It was a activity which was less risk and there wasn't a lot expected from me.
Despite my avoidance,last year a friend set me up for a phone interview in a company.
Although I panicked, I realised that it was a great opportunity for me to make a change as the situation was unavoidable.
I had to give the interview. So I frantically crammed through whatever I could come across.I was asked simple straight forward questions but I still hemmed and hawed and could not remember much of what I had read.
I remember that I was really disorganised, mentally cluttered and had lots of paper at hand.Even though it was a phone conversation I felt very embarrassed that I could not answer a simple question and I could not wait for the interview to end.
I felt horrible.
So eventually avoidance led to procrastination and I can't believe that it is October already and almost close to 2 years since I graduated.
Time has flown by so fast.I'm 27 now and I haven't had a full time job.
I'm really finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I have done very little in the last 2 years.
I feel regretful and foolish that I have let myself down as well as my family down.
Sometimes I'm really scared about the fact that I don't really know what I want in life.
There was a time when I craved for friendships and pursued them a lot but even that resulted in disappointment.
I have never been in a relationship as well but my avoidance has made me sort of 'emotionally numb' in this aspect.
Looking back over the years, I just feel that I have avoided many things so far and was forced to confront until the situation was unavoidable.
I sometimes wish I was invisible.I sometimes wonder about who I am and what I am doing on this planet.
I have felt like this for quite some time.
I know there are some of you who are facing these problems as a result of difficult childhoods or traumatic experiences...but when you haven't really faced trouble in your life like me...it makes me even more guilty.
So if any of you have experienced such issues, how have you dealt with it?
How do you make peace with yourself?
Do you make yourself feel better by thinking that the situation didn't get worse?
Do you just accept that anxiety and avoidance are a part of our life and that there is no point in being guilty about it?
Do you accept that life isn't going to be 'perfect' and that these are just the stepping stones in life?
I know this avoiding and lying to myself must stop soon as it would only make matters worse but I'm finding it difficult to get rid of this feeling and move on.
However, I am slowly taking baby steps come overcome this and make a change.
Anyways,it feels good to vent where you know you'll be understood.
I'll surely post more often when I can.
Thanks for reading my long post.Looking forward to your replies.