"Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

[Barrier]

See the title. When I read about AvPD, this line comes up every time. And I don't understand it. Why would you get involved with people who do not like you? Maybe I am too deep into this, but maybe someone can explain to me what's so wrong with not wanting to get involved with someone unless you're certain that they like you. I seriously don't get it.

:question:

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

"Certain" is the keyword here

 

[akala]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

maybe you don't know for sure...
I think it's basically saying fear of rejection

 

[jaim38]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

Why waste your time and energy getting involved with people who have low chances of liking you? Just not worth it.

 

[mikebird]

Yep

The world is too boring

Not applicants for this

People who advertise boring things to tempt the mindless

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

Yeah, I think the same thing. But like Pacific said, being "certain" is the keyword. We can never be 100% certain if someone likes us. And people like us will be looking for reasons that tell us we are not liked, and therefore we avoid interactions.

 

[Hellhound]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

"Unless cetain of being liked"

What if they like you but you think they don't?

 

[awkwardamanda]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

I don't think that necessarily refers to romantic involvement. It just means that you're afraid to get to know people and open up to them if you don't know if they like you.

 

[Barrier]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

Why waste your time and energy getting involved with people who have low chances of liking you? Just not worth it.

This was my thought too.

And no you can never be 100% certain, but that wasn't my point. I do think regularly someone has a good grasp of who likes you and who doesn't? And I don't mean romantically either, just normal hang out like.

 

[lurknomore]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

This was my thought too.

And no you can never be 100% certain, but that wasn't my point. I do think regularly someone has a good grasp of who likes you and who doesn't? And I don't mean romantically either, just normal hang out like.

No one ever asks me to just hang out, and I have no clue whatsoever whether people would accept an invitation from me if I could build up the courage to ask. Even if someone said yes, I would still feel like maybe they didn't really want to and were just being nice.

 

[awkwardamanda]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

No one ever asks me to just hang out, and I have no clue whatsoever whether people would accept an invitation from me if I could build up the courage to ask. Even if someone said yes, I would still feel like maybe they didn't really want to and were just being nice.

I only ever hang out with people I've known for a long time. I have no idea how to make new friends. There were people I got along with at work, and people I talked to at school sometimes, but I could never have just invited any of them to hang out. I didn't know them well enough to feel comfortable doing that. There have been people I would have liked to get to know better, but I've never been brave enough to try.

Most of the time, you have to have friends to make new friends. Sometimes people become friends with colleagues and neighbours or whomever, but you don't just make a new friend from some chance encounter. People tend to meet each other through mutual friends. Two people get to know each other a bit, and then their groups of friends kinda mingle, or some friend finds a new boyfriend, and then you get to know some of his friends, or whatever. It isn't usually two strangers strike up a conversation on the bus and one invites the other to hang out sometime. If you have more friends to begin with, you have far more chances to make new friends.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

This was my thought too.

And no you can never be 100% certain, but that wasn't my point. I do think regularly someone has a good grasp of who likes you and who doesn't? And I don't mean romantically either, just normal hang out like.

I have absolutely no clue who likes me and who doesn't, family, close friends and SPW included. I don't think I'm that much of an exception... If you wonder how I can doubt that my friends like me, it's because I can't make a difference between someone who likes me and someone who needs something from me.

 

[lurknomore]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

I only ever hang out with people I've known for a long time. I have no idea how to make new friends. There were people I got along with at work, and people I talked to at school sometimes, but I could never have just invited any of them to hang out. I didn't know them well enough to feel comfortable doing that. There have been people I would have liked to get to know better, but I've never been brave enough to try.

Most of the time, you have to have friends to make new friends. Sometimes people become friends with colleagues and neighbours or whomever, but you don't just make a new friend from some chance encounter. People tend to meet each other through mutual friends. Two people get to know each other a bit, and then their groups of friends kinda mingle, or some friend finds a new boyfriend, and then you get to know some of his friends, or whatever. It isn't usually two strangers strike up a conversation on the bus and one invites the other to hang out sometime. If you have more friends to begin with, you have far more chances to make new friends.

And that's why I'm stuck. I have no current friends or "connections" with which to make other connections/friends. The few people I've been somewhat close to in my life have now drifted away, and they had other friends, I just never "clicked" with them, not to mention that these people I called my friends were just the chance super-outgoing people that actually took the time to initiate and talk to me.

 

[awkwardamanda]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

And that's why I'm stuck. I have no current friends or "connections" with which to make other connections/friends. The few people I've been somewhat close to in my life have now drifted away, and they had other friends, I just never "clicked" with them, not to mention that these people I called my friends were just the chance super-outgoing people that actually took the time to initiate and talk to me.

Oh I hear you.

 

[Kiwong]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

Getting involved with people involves a certainty of being disliked. Why would anyonewant to be involved with that? It's like putting your hand on a hot plate and trying to tell yourself this doesn't hurt.

Being involved with people, those that would consider themselves reasonable involves: competition, judgement, distrust, duplicity, comparison, gossip, back stabbing, name calling, teasing and taunting, anger, exclusion, criticism. People are dysfunctional cattle in my opinion, and I don't like being involved with them for any lenght of time.

 

[Barrier]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

And that's why I'm stuck. I have no current friends or "connections" with which to make other connections/friends. The few people I've been somewhat close to in my life have now drifted away, and they had other friends, I just never "clicked" with them, not to mention that these people I called my friends were just the chance super-outgoing people that actually took the time to initiate and talk to me.

Same here. Being so isolated makes it extremely difficult.

 

[skins]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

I only ever hang out with people I've known for a long time. I have no idea how to make new friends. There were people I got along with at work, and people I talked to at school sometimes, but I could never have just invited any of them to hang out. I didn't know them well enough to feel comfortable doing that. There have been people I would have liked to get to know better, but I've never been brave enough to try.

Most of the time, you have to have friends to make new friends. Sometimes people become friends with colleagues and neighbours or whomever, but you don't just make a new friend from some chance encounter. People tend to meet each other through mutual friends. Two people get to know each other a bit, and then their groups of friends kinda mingle, or some friend finds a new boyfriend, and then you get to know some of his friends, or whatever. It isn't usually two strangers strike up a conversation on the bus and one invites the other to hang out sometime. If you have more friends to begin with, you have far more chances to make new friends.

haha yeh that's so true isn't it, you would never be in the situation where you manage to strike up a converstaion with someone on the bus and it ends with them saying 'hey would you like to hang out with me somtimes' lol. Unless its physical attraction between 2 people of the opposite sex of course. why have we made it so hard for ourselves as human beings to make friends?

 

[Barrier]

Re: "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked"

why have we made it so hard for ourselves as human beings to make friends?

I ask myself that a lot. Although there are plenty of people who don't have any problems and even make friends in a grocery store or somewhere else mundane.