Is love equal for both parties?

[Sinar_Matahari]

I was once told that in every romantic relationship, one person always loves the other more than they are loved. I'm inclined to believe this, but what do you think? Would you gladly be the person who is loved the least as long as you could be with the person you wanted or loved? Would you accept this in order to be in a relationship? I was going to add a poll, but then got too lazy.

 

[Felgen]

Not all relationships are the same. In my opinion, a marriage that lasts for decades isn't possible if both parts don't love each other more than life itself. Having said that, most relationships don't last long enough for marriage and if they do, they'll end in divorce in half of all cases. Therefore, it seems that in most relationships, one of the parts live with unrequited love.

My ex-girlfriend probably felt stronger about me than i felt about her, but she also got pissed off and severed all contact with me after i ended the relationship--despite the fact that I still offered her my friendship.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I think that love, like any emotion, is something you feel in different degrees for different people. It isn't like an on/off switch where you either love someone or you don't. Therefore I think it would be highly unlikely for two people to feel exactly the same intensity of love for one another from the outset. I don't think this is a problem, as long as one person doesn't use that situation to manipulate the other.

But I don't think that love is a static thing either. You can grow to love someone more, the more time you spend with them and the better you get to know them. In the same way, it's also possible to grow to love someone less. Hopefully, over time in a long term relationship, the feelings of each person for the other reach a roughly equal balance.

 

[userremoved]

I guess as long as no one comes before me. Thats what I would find important. That person may not love me as much as I them but there had better not be someone or something thats taken my place.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

In my opinion, a marriage that lasts for decades isn't possible if both parts don't love each other more than life itself

That's a romantic way of looking at it. My parents have lasted twenty years married without feeling that kind of love for one another. I think it's possible for two people to love each other fiercely but end up not being together for the rest of their lives.

 

[Dronee]

Hmm... if I really (to the nth power) love a woman and she only really (to the nth power - 1 power) loves me where n is an insanely huge number, then who cares who loves who more... it's sufficient that we both love one another.

Many 'old school' kind of marriages where the marriages were arranged actually work out pretty well in the end I think. If nothing else, it can't be worse then the high breakup (amongst bf/gf) and divorce rates nowadays.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Thank you all for your responses. My bleak outlook was simply not satisfactory enough for me so I appreciate being able to consider things from your points of view.

I was raised to believe that the mate who feels more love is at the mercy of their partner. Which brings me back to what Rembrandt wrote regarding manipulation. This cannot be the unequivocal truth because as Felgen said, not all relationships are alike.

As Dronee wrote, I suppose it doesn't really matter who loves who the most as long as there is love between two people and Junior emphasizes the importance of loyalty in a partnership regardless of who loves who more.

 

[Remus]

I was raised to believe that the mate who feels more love is at the mercy of their partner.

From my experience, that's pretty accurate. God help you if they are a merciless control freak.

 

[mmmm]

I think there are just some people who are good at loving and others who are not so good at it.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

It's never equal as relationships go through different stages.

I mostly thought that the love changes as the relationship goes through different stages, but I never until now considered the possibility of the equality changing or shifting in different stages of the relationship . I hope I understood your point correctly?

Someone always loves more or less than the other in my opinion

Sometimes I believe that true equality (in general) is a myth. Now that I believe that true equality in love may also very well be a myth, I feel a bit disenchanted. One would think I should feel wonderfully enlightened, but I feel disappointed instead. Eventually I will get over my disappointment. This isn't my first rodeo as far as disappointment is concerned, but I'll live.

...and it's horrible when you realize the balance has shifted.....if you have my problems with abandonment , maybe.

Yes, I can imagine how devastating this would be. Especially if one comes to realize that they mistakenly believed their partner loved them more.

 

[BlackPuma]

I'm not sure. How does one measure love anyway?..

I think it's pretty random. There are so many elements to consider, and so much things influencing what each party feels at very moment. Some can love another more then anything in the world, and not show it, and vice versa.

Like I said, I think it's pretty much random. Equal numbers/measurements/amounts are very rare in nature, there's bound to be some fluctuation in everything. Even in the thing we call ''love''. Roughly, however, I think it's possible to have relationship where both love each other (semi-)equally. But in most cases there's always (at least) a slight difference.

How this effects said relationship, is very personal I reckon. But I could be wrong, like I often am.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

From my experience, that's pretty accurate. God help you if they are a merciless control freak.

God help you indeed. That thought scares the piss out of me.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I think there are just some people who are good at loving and others who are not so good at it.

Here is another good way of looking at it.

This is why we need that rep system back. I'm trying to keep up with everyone's posts and I'm slowly losing the energy to do so. The rep system was the lazy way to give peopel credit. ::

 

[mmmm]

Cool! I got fantasy rep points. Thanks, man.

 

[Feathers]

lol I want the rep system back too!!

Anyway, about loving - my parents don't seem to have the 'magical all-powering love' either, have been going strong for 30+ years though and refuse to get divorced??

There are times when one of them is extremely cross at the other, and times when they quarrel or fight, and times when they seem to get along well...

I think compatibility and common goals and shared values of what really matters are more important than some vague things like 'love' - if love is understood as emotion, feelings can be fleeting and unreliable... You can love someone and still be ticked off or crossed by them...

Some people say love is an attitude - a decision - of respect and love for the partner.. Some say love is a verb... And that you actually see how others love you through their actions and not through their words or vague 'feelings' they might profess (or be too shy to)..

Then, if you read the book Five Languages of Love, you can see people can speak different languages of love.. and maybe feeling unloved can come from just not speaking the same language of love as your partner...
They keep hugging you and tell you they love you but if they just once did the dishes or cleaned up after themselves?? Or, they keep doing the dishes but keep criticising you...?? It may help if you both read that book then (or at least one of you).

Sometimes, people can also take others for granted... And in this case it may help to become more independent and not-so-readily available... go out more, take a course or join a club, see friends, start volunteering, start a biz or non-profit..
Maybe they will start missing you and appreciating you better!! & behave more romantically and respectfully!!

So, lots of things that could be in play, lots of options... Yup, there are stages too, and different situations where things can seem different... Some books/experts even say, that disenchantment/disillusionment is an essential part of 'true love'...
First it's just 'butterflies' and feeling the other one is awesome and you'd be perfect together... That's the 'attraction' stage.. Then, after their mistakes are discovered, there's disenchantment and you need to find out if you two fit together or not.. And real, mature, 'grown up' love comes when you love someone despite or sometimes even 'because of' their flaws...
Some people get together or even get married too quickly, without knowing their partner enough.. Or some may stay in the 'questioning' stage forever.. Some may have very different ideas of what 'perfect love' or 'perfect married life' can be too... These are things that ideally get discussed before or while getting comitted... But mom says there are 'unhappy discoveries' after marriage anyway, and dad says it's even better if people don't know each other too well?? huh??

So, lots of ways of looking at it... There are books and websites with possibly helpful info if you feel not loved enough or manipulated with... It's good to work on things, and see if things can get better.. You can sometimes change dynamics in a relationship or even degree of love you and other/s feel by changing your behaviour, attitude etc.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I'm not sure. How does one measure love anyway?..

Exactly. How can it be quantified? People show their love for others in many different ways.

 

[Dronee]

Exactly. How can it be quantified? People show their love for others in many different ways.

Unfortunately, some are unhealthy I think.

 

[mmmm]

Unfortunately, some are unhealthy I think.

But is that really love?

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Originally Posted by Rembrandt Broam
Exactly. How can it be quantified? People show their love for others in many different ways.

Unfortunately, some are unhealthy I think.

Well I suppose that's true, but what I meant was that people express their feelings in different ways.

Maybe you have SA, but there's some big social event that your partner really wants to go to, so even though it's going to be hellish for you, you go because it will make them happy.

Maybe you sell something that means a lot to you, because there's something your partner really wants or needs and that's the only way you'll be able to buy it for them.

Maybe you take the time once a day, every day, to tell them that you love them.

Maybe you take a second job to support them through college.

Maybe you buy them gifts whenever you have the money to do so, rather than spending it on yourself.

Maybe you're just always there, ready to listen and support them when they need it.

All ways which you might show you love someone, but all very different and so very difficult to compare. And each one would be valued differently by different recipients.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Not all relationships are the same. In my opinion, a marriage that lasts for decades isn't possible if both parts don't love each other more than life itself.

I think that a marriage (or relationship) that lasts for decades isn't possible unless both parties understand that any long term relationship requires a lot of hard work.