Invalidation

[Satine]

I was on a bit of a Google foray the other day and found this page on a bullying tecnique called invalidation. I was staggered because this is what I dealt with from my parents all the way through my childhood and it's the reason I still avoid them now, I realise at last.

Invalidation: just that. Anything you see, feel, experience, you are told is not valid, not acceptable. That you should have experienced it or responded to it another way, or less, or more. This is what I was told, what the people around me did. Just one word that seems to be such an umbrella term because it covers so much, and yet sums it all up so succinctly.

I've spent a few days thinking through a lot of past stuff and managed to put it into a different perspective. A lot more things seem to make sense to me. And, it seems, I'm not as mad as I thought I was. Which is a relief.

I realise that these things aren't always as helpful to one person as they are to another, but I just wanted to put this link up here to see if it's any help to anyone else.

 

[coyote]

That's truly interesting - never thought about that in the context of bullying. My family was and still is really good at heaping this on me.

Thanks for the insight!

 

[Satine]

Aye. I mean, having read about invalidation, I realise that it's all right to not feel like I've got over it. The irritation I get if someone doesn't understand what I say first time, the tendancy to over-explain things, all of that, it's never going to go away, I don't think. But it's good to know where it comes from, and perhaps a little of how to get around it. But to give oneself permission to have that in one's past is great.

I mean, personally, I want to move forward from it as much as possible. But it's a relief to know that there's a reason I can never quite break the bonds.

I think it helps, too, to look at invalidation as something you might unwittingly pass on and do to other people without realising it. There's a bit in that linked page about invalidation masquerading as validation, and it's good to know the difference, and to know when one is genuinely being understanding and when one is being subtly manipulative and trying to push somebody into saying they're all right when they're not feeling good at all.

Mind-blowing stuff, all together.

Anyway, I'm going to stop being self-indulgent now and hit Post Reply. Thankyouallforlistening.

 

[BlueDays]

.......................

 

[Liberty]

Yeah this is a tactic used by emotionally abusive parents. My mother is an absolute pro at it.

 

[Bama_Heath]

Pretty enlightening stuff there. Reading that article was like viewing an archive of every quote that a debating or argumentative person has ever said to me about my feelings as a person in relation to events in my life or interactions with other people. I guess unfortunately for me just about every one I have ever known is unknowingly a master of Invalidation. I must learn how to conquer this form of emotional behavior control. Thanks for posting this.

 

[M1tCh]

Thanks, Satine.
I found the link to be useful in diagnosing and putting a name on and to what's been happening to me my whole life at home. I thought it was just a result of being the youngest in the family that i was relegated to "X person, whose opinion isn't considered and consistently ridiculed." But the information about 'invalidation' shines a whole new light on the treatment I've received over the years.
Again, thanks.

 

[M1tCh]

Forgot to include: FirstSigns VO :: Chronic Invalidation

 

[Hellhound]

My family does that to me all the time, even now, but I noticed they don't act this way with each other. I can't talk to them without receiving that crap at least once. When I was in school, the teachers acted that way too. Sometimes some of my friends act this way too... even though they don't mean to hurt me.

 

[dottie]

my mom. still to this day. countless. she is the queen of nasty invalidation and then denying it. i never want to be like her.

how can someone get off so much on invalidating and humiliating someone else? especially a child? that is sick. it is so emotionally isolating. not only are you emotionally on your own but you are left questioning yourself constantly. no wonder i am so insecure.

 

[Zeyla]

Well, along with the obvious -my Mum totally did this-, my Christian flatmate has been doing this too! It's always been difficult for me to explain the troubles I've been having with her (although today I was actually talking to someone who had studied her Christian group and understood all of what I said), but this sums it up so well! (I'm more happy then ever that I'm leaving here in a few weeks.) Thanks for psting this