JuicyFruit
Well-known member
Hello everyone. I don't know where how to start so everything will probably sound random. This is probably wrong place to talk about this,
but I've always been wrong and corrected about everything which have made me sad so it isn't something new. My english could be really bad hope i'm not too much pain for you.
I'm just very afraid of people and can't live a normal life. I can't go outside in case i would meet someone and if someone do comes by
i rather jump and hide into to forest and hide behind a rock. They must really think i'm an idiot and wonder what the hell i'm doing.
If only they knew what kind of hell i live in...
And that's when i'm forcing myself out with my dog, otherwise i wouldn't set my foot out.
I don't have friends because i am what i am. I tried to open myself a little and making friends on the internet. People have hurted me and deceived me so
i only have bad experiences with people. well, actually i did make some friends for a while and even told them how i am and that was okay with them.
I thought i had made some friends but it was just a lie. They only leeched on me. I gave them tons of videos, pics, music. stayed up all night long with
my incredible slow internet to upload stuff for them and really tried hard to be loved and when they had it all, they screwed me, threw my in the thrash.
so now i don't trust anyone, cause they'll just leech on me, make me sad. I gave humanity a chance and this happened.
I even meet people who are like me, afraid of people. I thought i had meet someone who is like me but then they told me that they had i job, earned big money,
their families supported them, had own house/apartment, had horsies. Heck, they even had a family of their own! I was so angry with jealous! How dare they say
they're like me
when they have all these stuff that i could only wish for? It was unfair! I also can't have a job because you all know why. can't be with people. They would only
watch and judge me, think i'm weird and even leeche on me if they have a chance.
So i don't have money either, nothing to move around with. i do get some money at my birthday and christmas, even though i say i don't need anything because i never
give anything in return. I can't be with family on christmas or my birthday. that's right i'm even afraid of my family. They all having fun downstairs while i'm hiding
under my pillow, forgotten. I don't feel i'm getting any support from my family. they must be really ashamed of me. whenever i talk about this they just get upset.
I'm kinda stupid too. I have no education cause i didn't care about school much. actually i did but i could never consentrate because all i was thinking about was
to get home and see that my mother and father wasn't fighing. I always had to go between them. i was the peacemaker. I protected my mom very much, even thought
she drank and took stupid pills that made her weird. She could just disappear at night, i was sad and afraid and father was angry and yelling and broke stuff.
In the morning she was still not home but i still had to go to school. She usually ended up at hostpital. one time she was raped. Tried to kill herself.
always i gave myself the blame for
everthing, not being there and look after mom. all was my fault. So i had to give upp school, just to be able to look after mom properly. That's why i'm so stupid
cause i don't have any education. The school was not better. They never understood what was wrong with me. they were mean to me. I had some friends but they
were just... how should i say it.. flat? It was always me who tried to keep us together and do this and that to maintain our friendship. It was awful.
So since i have no education i wouldn't never be able to get a good job and i would never set my foot in a school again, not today or tomorrow.
I still need to look after mom cause things happens still today. Newyear 2010 was awful mom had promised a happy newyears but she got drunk, vomited everywhere,
the floor, pillows walls and stuff.
Had to shower her to wash away all the dirt but she couldn't stand up and fell. I was afraid. I called ambulance even though
i was afraid. They became upset at me because i couldn't describe the way. I can't even tell my own address i'm so useless! i hope that's the last time i need to call.
But i had saved my mom and was expecting a thank you but can you believe what she said? "you're mean! that's right, i washed her clean,
cleaned upp all the dirt
in our whole apartment, called ambulance, and i was Mean! That's when i really want to die, no one is ever greatful of what i do. But i still watch over her as we speak,
in case she tries to sneak up her bed. I try to trust her when she says she don't have any pills but i can't.
Watching mom has become my Involuntary duity.
I can't have any fun at all. I can't play games over internet properly because internet is too slow. I've heard some people who are afraid like me is very good at
drawing and can express their feelings from them. I tried, but it never worked. I have no fantasy and i have no skills. Some have only drawn for 4 years and they draw
like gods and get all kinds of praise, drawing pics for money. They must be feeling really good. I tried for maybe 13 years... never worked. I have no skills,
I'm good at nothing. No music, no text. It's unfair. Why couldn't i be good at something and earn money on it. So i can't express my feelings. It all builds inside of me, day after day.
Someday it's gonna burst and people around me and myself are gonna get hurt. I want to die, i don't want to live. Most of my time i'm thinking how I should die.
Jump in front of a train, shoot myself, drown... that's pretty much what i'm thinking about all day. This is not how i want to live and if it is gonna be like this
until im 100, it won't be worth to be alive. I'm soon 26, i'm old. I can't go back in time. I've missed so much. Things what you're supposed to do and see...
it's all gone forever. All i can do everyday is staying home with my family, hiding in my room, not known to the world. To be a man i'm really small too and i
take that very hard. Everyone can boss around me cause i'm small and weak and looks young. They have said i looks to be 18. Very sad cause of that.
Atlest, why could't I be tall and have muscles and look down on people? I'm nothing. I'm really useless. It feels great to write down all this. To get it out.
Sorry if I have upset someone. Is there someone out there who are like me!? Someone who understands me!? I... i don't want to give up, not right now.
I still want to believe there's someone out there who can... well... be my friend and not a leecher...
hi
but I've always been wrong and corrected about everything which have made me sad so it isn't something new. My english could be really bad hope i'm not too much pain for you.
I'm just very afraid of people and can't live a normal life. I can't go outside in case i would meet someone and if someone do comes by
i rather jump and hide into to forest and hide behind a rock. They must really think i'm an idiot and wonder what the hell i'm doing.
If only they knew what kind of hell i live in...
And that's when i'm forcing myself out with my dog, otherwise i wouldn't set my foot out.
I don't have friends because i am what i am. I tried to open myself a little and making friends on the internet. People have hurted me and deceived me so
i only have bad experiences with people. well, actually i did make some friends for a while and even told them how i am and that was okay with them.
I thought i had made some friends but it was just a lie. They only leeched on me. I gave them tons of videos, pics, music. stayed up all night long with
my incredible slow internet to upload stuff for them and really tried hard to be loved and when they had it all, they screwed me, threw my in the thrash.
so now i don't trust anyone, cause they'll just leech on me, make me sad. I gave humanity a chance and this happened.
I even meet people who are like me, afraid of people. I thought i had meet someone who is like me but then they told me that they had i job, earned big money,
their families supported them, had own house/apartment, had horsies. Heck, they even had a family of their own! I was so angry with jealous! How dare they say
they're like me
when they have all these stuff that i could only wish for? It was unfair! I also can't have a job because you all know why. can't be with people. They would only
watch and judge me, think i'm weird and even leeche on me if they have a chance.
So i don't have money either, nothing to move around with. i do get some money at my birthday and christmas, even though i say i don't need anything because i never
give anything in return. I can't be with family on christmas or my birthday. that's right i'm even afraid of my family. They all having fun downstairs while i'm hiding
under my pillow, forgotten. I don't feel i'm getting any support from my family. they must be really ashamed of me. whenever i talk about this they just get upset.
I'm kinda stupid too. I have no education cause i didn't care about school much. actually i did but i could never consentrate because all i was thinking about was
to get home and see that my mother and father wasn't fighing. I always had to go between them. i was the peacemaker. I protected my mom very much, even thought
she drank and took stupid pills that made her weird. She could just disappear at night, i was sad and afraid and father was angry and yelling and broke stuff.
In the morning she was still not home but i still had to go to school. She usually ended up at hostpital. one time she was raped. Tried to kill herself.
always i gave myself the blame for
everthing, not being there and look after mom. all was my fault. So i had to give upp school, just to be able to look after mom properly. That's why i'm so stupid
cause i don't have any education. The school was not better. They never understood what was wrong with me. they were mean to me. I had some friends but they
were just... how should i say it.. flat? It was always me who tried to keep us together and do this and that to maintain our friendship. It was awful.
So since i have no education i wouldn't never be able to get a good job and i would never set my foot in a school again, not today or tomorrow.
I still need to look after mom cause things happens still today. Newyear 2010 was awful mom had promised a happy newyears but she got drunk, vomited everywhere,
the floor, pillows walls and stuff.
Had to shower her to wash away all the dirt but she couldn't stand up and fell. I was afraid. I called ambulance even though
i was afraid. They became upset at me because i couldn't describe the way. I can't even tell my own address i'm so useless! i hope that's the last time i need to call.
But i had saved my mom and was expecting a thank you but can you believe what she said? "you're mean! that's right, i washed her clean,
cleaned upp all the dirt
in our whole apartment, called ambulance, and i was Mean! That's when i really want to die, no one is ever greatful of what i do. But i still watch over her as we speak,
in case she tries to sneak up her bed. I try to trust her when she says she don't have any pills but i can't.
Watching mom has become my Involuntary duity.
I can't have any fun at all. I can't play games over internet properly because internet is too slow. I've heard some people who are afraid like me is very good at
drawing and can express their feelings from them. I tried, but it never worked. I have no fantasy and i have no skills. Some have only drawn for 4 years and they draw
like gods and get all kinds of praise, drawing pics for money. They must be feeling really good. I tried for maybe 13 years... never worked. I have no skills,
I'm good at nothing. No music, no text. It's unfair. Why couldn't i be good at something and earn money on it. So i can't express my feelings. It all builds inside of me, day after day.
Someday it's gonna burst and people around me and myself are gonna get hurt. I want to die, i don't want to live. Most of my time i'm thinking how I should die.
Jump in front of a train, shoot myself, drown... that's pretty much what i'm thinking about all day. This is not how i want to live and if it is gonna be like this
until im 100, it won't be worth to be alive. I'm soon 26, i'm old. I can't go back in time. I've missed so much. Things what you're supposed to do and see...
it's all gone forever. All i can do everyday is staying home with my family, hiding in my room, not known to the world. To be a man i'm really small too and i
take that very hard. Everyone can boss around me cause i'm small and weak and looks young. They have said i looks to be 18. Very sad cause of that.
Atlest, why could't I be tall and have muscles and look down on people? I'm nothing. I'm really useless. It feels great to write down all this. To get it out.
Sorry if I have upset someone. Is there someone out there who are like me!? Someone who understands me!? I... i don't want to give up, not right now.
I still want to believe there's someone out there who can... well... be my friend and not a leecher...
hi