I'm here, giving everything one more try.

[JuicyFruit]

Hello everyone. I don't know where how to start so everything will probably sound random. This is probably wrong place to talk about this,
but I've always been wrong and corrected about everything which have made me sad so it isn't something new. My english could be really bad hope i'm not too much pain for you.
I'm just very afraid of people and can't live a normal life. I can't go outside in case i would meet someone and if someone do comes by
i rather jump and hide into to forest and hide behind a rock. They must really think i'm an idiot and wonder what the hell i'm doing.
If only they knew what kind of hell i live in...
And that's when i'm forcing myself out with my dog, otherwise i wouldn't set my foot out.
I don't have friends because i am what i am. I tried to open myself a little and making friends on the internet. People have hurted me and deceived me so
i only have bad experiences with people. well, actually i did make some friends for a while and even told them how i am and that was okay with them.
I thought i had made some friends but it was just a lie. They only leeched on me. I gave them tons of videos, pics, music. stayed up all night long with
my incredible slow internet to upload stuff for them and really tried hard to be loved and when they had it all, they screwed me, threw my in the thrash.
so now i don't trust anyone, cause they'll just leech on me, make me sad. I gave humanity a chance and this happened.
I even meet people who are like me, afraid of people. I thought i had meet someone who is like me but then they told me that they had i job, earned big money,
their families supported them, had own house/apartment, had horsies. Heck, they even had a family of their own! I was so angry with jealous! How dare they say
they're like me
when they have all these stuff that i could only wish for? It was unfair! I also can't have a job because you all know why. can't be with people. They would only
watch and judge me, think i'm weird and even leeche on me if they have a chance.
So i don't have money either, nothing to move around with. i do get some money at my birthday and christmas, even though i say i don't need anything because i never
give anything in return. I can't be with family on christmas or my birthday. that's right i'm even afraid of my family. They all having fun downstairs while i'm hiding
under my pillow, forgotten. I don't feel i'm getting any support from my family. they must be really ashamed of me. whenever i talk about this they just get upset.
I'm kinda stupid too. I have no education cause i didn't care about school much. actually i did but i could never consentrate because all i was thinking about was
to get home and see that my mother and father wasn't fighing. I always had to go between them. i was the peacemaker. I protected my mom very much, even thought
she drank and took stupid pills that made her weird. She could just disappear at night, i was sad and afraid and father was angry and yelling and broke stuff.
In the morning she was still not home but i still had to go to school. She usually ended up at hostpital. one time she was raped. Tried to kill herself.
always i gave myself the blame for
everthing, not being there and look after mom. all was my fault. So i had to give upp school, just to be able to look after mom properly. That's why i'm so stupid
cause i don't have any education. The school was not better. They never understood what was wrong with me. they were mean to me. I had some friends but they
were just... how should i say it.. flat? It was always me who tried to keep us together and do this and that to maintain our friendship. It was awful.
So since i have no education i wouldn't never be able to get a good job and i would never set my foot in a school again, not today or tomorrow.
I still need to look after mom cause things happens still today. Newyear 2010 was awful mom had promised a happy newyears but she got drunk, vomited everywhere,
the floor, pillows walls and stuff.
Had to shower her to wash away all the dirt but she couldn't stand up and fell. I was afraid. I called ambulance even though
i was afraid. They became upset at me because i couldn't describe the way. I can't even tell my own address i'm so useless! i hope that's the last time i need to call.
But i had saved my mom and was expecting a thank you but can you believe what she said? "you're mean! that's right, i washed her clean,
cleaned upp all the dirt
in our whole apartment, called ambulance, and i was Mean! That's when i really want to die, no one is ever greatful of what i do. But i still watch over her as we speak,
in case she tries to sneak up her bed. I try to trust her when she says she don't have any pills but i can't.
Watching mom has become my Involuntary duity.
I can't have any fun at all. I can't play games over internet properly because internet is too slow. I've heard some people who are afraid like me is very good at
drawing and can express their feelings from them. I tried, but it never worked. I have no fantasy and i have no skills. Some have only drawn for 4 years and they draw
like gods and get all kinds of praise, drawing pics for money. They must be feeling really good. I tried for maybe 13 years... never worked. I have no skills,
I'm good at nothing. No music, no text. It's unfair. Why couldn't i be good at something and earn money on it. So i can't express my feelings. It all builds inside of me, day after day.
Someday it's gonna burst and people around me and myself are gonna get hurt. I want to die, i don't want to live. Most of my time i'm thinking how I should die.
Jump in front of a train, shoot myself, drown... that's pretty much what i'm thinking about all day. This is not how i want to live and if it is gonna be like this
until im 100, it won't be worth to be alive. I'm soon 26, i'm old. I can't go back in time. I've missed so much. Things what you're supposed to do and see...
it's all gone forever. All i can do everyday is staying home with my family, hiding in my room, not known to the world. To be a man i'm really small too and i
take that very hard. Everyone can boss around me cause i'm small and weak and looks young. They have said i looks to be 18. Very sad cause of that.
Atlest, why could't I be tall and have muscles and look down on people? I'm nothing. I'm really useless. It feels great to write down all this. To get it out.
Sorry if I have upset someone. Is there someone out there who are like me!? Someone who understands me!? I... i don't want to give up, not right now.
I still want to believe there's someone out there who can... well... be my friend and not a leecher...
hi

 

[SilentBird]

I hear you. Well done for sharing. I think you are strong for living through your situation.

 

[punklove]

Some of the things you are saying I can deffinitly relate to.
I'm sorry that you're going through so much Especially with your mom.
You don't deserve all this pain.
I'd love to be your friend though ^^ it does sound like you need one and lately I do too (my bestfriend kind of desserted me.)
Please stay strong and try to find positivity in your life. <3

 

[JuicyFruit]

This post makes me sad... I feel for you. I think you are very brave and responsible for taking care of your mother. She might only be alive today because of your care, you never know.

I'm not sure what country you are from because different governments have different programs for welfare and assistance. Perhaps you can get a social worker to help you and your mother (mental health services, job placement, welfare etc). If you are from a country that doesn't give much government assistance, you should keep looking for a job that doesn't have too many educational requirements. If you are determined not to leave your house, you could save your holiday money to get a better internet router so you can have better access to education, entertainment and possibly keep in contact with new friends better.

Have you considered online school?

I wish you all the best. Stay strong.

Sorry it makes you sad. Maybe i'm brave and responsible for keeping mom alive but if i could choose, i'd choose to live for myself
and not for others. I wish i could tell my brother it's his turn now.
I'm from sweden and i don't know where to get such help. Don't know where to look and if i search on internet i get hundreds of strange hits.
I was just lucky that i found this place. I'd like to leave home, find my own place, but that means i can't look after mom, nor keep
my dog so that's pretty farfetched. Currently my only best friend right now is my dog.
Even if i bought me a better router it wouldn't do much beacuse i kinda live on the countryside, 50km from nearest town. The signal usually never
reaches this far out of nowhere. I should be happy i at least Have i signal at all. Sorry for being so negative.

online school? How does that works? If i could study at home without ever have to go out sounds great.

 

[JuicyFruit]

Some of the things you are saying I can deffinitly relate to.
I'm sorry that you're going through so much Especially with your mom.
You don't deserve all this pain.
I'd love to be your friend though ^^ it does sound like you need one and lately I do too (my bestfriend kind of desserted me.)
Please stay strong and try to find positivity in your life. <3

Yeah i could need a friend but i don't know if i'm a good friend myself. Because of all bad stuff I'm very defensive and suspicious to everyone.
Thanks for wanting to be my friend

 

[Falkor]

I hear your story. It's a very hard situation you are in.
Your mom should get help, and you should find a way to cope with your depressive thoughts about yourself,
You are letting yourself down way too much. I can relate to that, though. I do the same all the time.
But hey, Do you really have to be an amazing drawing artist? Do you have to be good to earn money?
You can practice everyday, You can enjoy the artwork you are making, just try your best, and keep on going,
if Drawing means alot to you. You don't like to study, or are you afraid of making failures?
If you really want to educate yourself, You can go for it.But I know, it's freaking hard to be around people as a social phobic.
You need to find a way to feel relaxed, calm and happy around people.
To trust the people around you, to stand up for yourself,
to not be afraid of showing yourself to the world, and find the key of your own happiness.
You should figure out, what makes you really happy, what you need to heal this wound,
maybe a huge changement? Maybe a nice hobby? Maybe talking to your parents and try to find a way to get out of this pain?
Maybe to find the right support? Or having a social life you really want?
I'm Wishing you all the luck you need, and I can guarrantee that the people on SPW can totally relate to your situation,
Maybe you can make friends here.:]

Btw, I think your English is fine :] You can always make improvement, But I think you wrote a good thread,
It's not hard to understand what you are saying)
Take care and good luck in life

 

[panicsurvivor]

Wow. You know heroes can come in strange packages. I think that maybe you are one. You are in a situation full of adversity. Stay strong my friend. Hold on to your art, even if you are not making money at it, it is an incredible thing. My stick figures don't even come out right. Pm me if you want to talk.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

You are welcome here and nobody expect you to give anything
And your english is perfectly understandable.
Don't take too much responsability for your mother's problems. You seem to try and help her, that's the best you can do.
She is probably too buried in her own problems to see that she is hurting you at the same time.
It sounds like it is really time for you to leave this house.

I'm soon 26, i'm old. I can't go back in time. I've missed so much. Things what you're supposed to do and see...
it's all gone forever. All i can do everyday is staying home with my family, hiding in my room, not known to the world.

26 is young. You still have lots of time. But you have to start now. Maybe what you really need to do now is find a job, you don't need education to find one, isn't there a employment center where you live? Maybe you could meet someone and they could help you. Then you can move in your own place and breath a little....

 

[JuicyFruit]

I hear your story. It's a very hard situation you are in.
Your mom should get help, and you should find a way to cope with your depressive thoughts about yourself,
You are letting yourself down way too much. I can relate to that, though. I do the same all the time.
But hey, Do you really have to be an amazing drawing artist? Do you have to be good to earn money?
You can practice everyday, You can enjoy the artwork you are making, just try your best, and keep on going,
if Drawing means alot to you. You don't like to study, or are you afraid of making failures?
If you really want to educate yourself, You can go for it.But I know, it's freaking hard to be around people as a social phobic.
You need to find a way to feel relaxed, calm and happy around people.
To trust the people around you, to stand up for yourself,
to not be afraid of showing yourself to the world, and find the key of your own happiness.
You should figure out, what makes you really happy, what you need to heal this wound,
maybe a huge changement? Maybe a nice hobby? Maybe talking to your parents and try to find a way to get out of this pain?
Maybe to find the right support? Or having a social life you really want?
I'm Wishing you all the luck you need, and I can guarrantee that the people on SPW can totally relate to your situation,
Maybe you can make friends here.:]

Btw, I think your English is fine :] You can always make improvement, But I think you wrote a good thread,
It's not hard to understand what you are saying)
Take care and good luck in life

I've told her to get help but she's "fine". I've requested this whole family needs help but no one needs any help here.
I want to be an amazing artist. At least that's what I first wanted. When I first started i thought I was awesome and loved what i was
doing but now,
I demand too much of myself. I drew because it was fun, not to get better and earn money. Wish i could remember that.
And yeah who doesn't want to earn big money? Money buys everything,
even friends... not good friends though. Money has never been something I have had lots of and if I had I would buy lots of unecessary,
weird stuff but of course most on my dog. Well, i neither like to study, nor making failurs. If i don't try I wont fail, if i don't fail
I wont... learn? Dammit I dunno what i'm trying to say to myself. History is just boring, I don't care about kings and queens.
Math feels meaningless why are they giving you tasks like A+7-(7*3)=83 I dont understand the point. yeah... never understood.
I don't think I will ever feel comfortable around people. I'm not only afraid of them I hate them too, cause I know how evil people can be.
People can be so cruel to animals. Animals are better than people i'd love to spend my life in a wolf pack, I would be happy there. I'd be known
as the wolfman. At least, to work and be with animals, that's what i'd like to do.
I thank you for showing compassion, I see i'm not alone with this. But sorry to say this but, future still feels hopeless

Well, my english is kinda so-so. I take a lot of help from online translator, google and write everything down in a text file and triple
check everything before posting.

I love when you guys talk to me, it's kinda hard but i try my best. thank you all.

 

[JuicyFruit]

I hear you. Well done for sharing. I think you are strong for living through your situation.

Thank you for saying that. I'm still fighting.

 

[JuicyFruit]

Wow. You know heroes can come in strange packages. I think that maybe you are one. You are in a situation full of adversity. Stay strong my friend. Hold on to your art, even if you are not making money at it, it is an incredible thing. My stick figures don't even come out right. Pm me if you want to talk.

I don't think my stick figures are any better than yours ;P
I'd love to Pm and talk, but i'm afraid. I usually don't have anything cool to say and the conversation usually ends right after I send
the message and I feel terrible guilt. I'll think about it, thank you.

 

[babegolden20]

I will be your friend ::

 

[JuicyFruit]

Then you must be much kinder than your brother which makes you a good person. Take good care of your best friend!

Alright. Right now, the most important thing is to take action. I've found some online Swedish resources in English.

1. Swedish Mental Health organizations listed by the EU.

Your country has one of the best health care systems. Would they assist you for free or do you have to be a tax-paying citizen? Getting your mother taken care of will free up your time to recommit to your studies.

2. A list of tuition free colleges in Sweden.

3. I couldn't find online high school programs for Sweden. Perhaps you have to research that in your own language. It is basically a high school online where you talk to your teachers through email/webcam and receive and submit homework assignments online.

In America, we have a program where you can finish high school by completing a written test called the GED. You don't have to attend classes to get your high school diploma and can study from home.

If my resources are not good enough, perhaps you can find a general social worker to redirect you to all the important resources you need, depending on your case. This is a very important step.

Having a goal can really help motivate you. If you really want, you can pledge to make a difference in your life before the end of year 2011. Even in at least one aspect of your life. What do you think?

I found a online school, but is says Online schools don't replace ordinary school education. Not sure what that really means though.
Don't know if they would assist me for free, i dont know where to look.
You have worked so hard i see and trying to help me, that touches me. You should have all the blessings in the universe.
I'll think and remember about all these things you said. But something inside of me says it's useless and everything will be in vain...
I don't know why or how, but always when i see some light or really tries, these feelings and words comes into my head.
They're too strong it feels much easier to just surrender to them than fighting them. I hope I'll find some friends someday who wants to
fight back with me, throw these feelings out of my head. Sorry again i write too much and sorry for apologizing so much, i really
appriceate your hard work, even if it might not look like that. I'm hoping SPW will make a different.

 

[JuicyFruit]

You are welcome here and nobody expect you to give anything
And your english is perfectly understandable.
Don't take too much responsability for your mother's problems. You seem to try and help her, that's the best you can do.
She is probably too buried in her own problems to see that she is hurting you at the same time.
It sounds like it is really time for you to leave this house.



26 is young. You still have lots of time. But you have to start now. Maybe what you really need to do now is find a job, you don't need education to find one, isn't there a employment center where you live? Maybe you could meet someone and they could help you. Then you can move in your own place and breath a little....

It's a employment center in town, 50km from where i live. thats 100km back and forth. I ain't leaving my dog home,
i'm sure i would find her... dead if i did. You think i could take her with me inside? Is there's a job that allows you to bring your dog? hmmm, yeah i wonder.